Latest Update:July 17, 2023
Summary: Hikigaya Hachiman is dead! The End roll credits... But wait! A 28 year old loser takes his place! Can our 'nameless' hero find something genuine in a world he knows is fake? Can Hiratsuka sensei ever get married? Can YOU accept Haruhi into your heart? Find out in this romantic comedy on crack! This story is Rated: Hard T for Strong Language... probably.
Link: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/14099814/1/
Word Count:131k
Chapters:20
Episode 1
~Situation Normal All Fucked Up~
"You're the one who should die."
I couldn't help but wince at the words this beautiful woman just threw in my face. This is fucking bad… I can already hear a certain sith lord say: 'Ironic.' I mean, I'm pretty sure who ever I was already just died after blacking out a second ago. In a fleeting moment of awareness I recalled that some asshole normie bumped him (that is to say me?) right into the wall. My head still hurts. Haruhi Suzumiya does my head hurt!
Now standing in this…faculty office?
I. AM. HERE.
…
But who the fuck AM I?!
…Haruhi is Haruhi and nothing else but Haruhi.
No shit Kyon, but who am I?!
Batman?
…
LIKE HELL!
Sitting in front of me, leaning back on her chair with her legs crossed is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and I'm talking otherworldly beautiful (even with the odd lab coat on).
Yeah, she said something really horrible just now, but I feel like I can listen to that sexy voice of hers all day long no matter what she says (Am I a masochist?).
How old is she? She looks young, Japanese women sure are ageless.
Why do I feel a sense of danger?
…
Wait! Japanese! Am I in Japan?
My eyes look around the room like a crazy person's. This has to be a Japanese school, the weeb in me says so (I'm a fucking weeb? Oh come on!).
How and why am I in Japan?
It's weird, I shouldn't be here… I should be…by HARUHI the pain!
So does that make us student and…science teacher? Damn it Haruhi, student X teacher never works out in the real world, that's just the bullshit of anime, light novels and fan-fictions (that last one cringe).
Farewell, My Chemical Romance with Science sensei~. Oh how I wanted your SCIENCE~! I guess I'll have to go look for a nice, desperate, office onee-san~.
…
Y-yeah, that's not creepy or weird… t-totally normal…b-because I'm pushing thirty?
…I really should get m-married?
…
O' SUZUMIYA-SAMA I'M GOING INSANE!
FOR ALL THAT IS HARUHI WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?!
KYON. DID. YOU. FUCK. UP?!
…
Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, I was given a hint, I just have to k-kiss Science sensei and that should punch me right out of whatever weird hell this is.
…
…
THAT'S TOO HIGH OF A BAR FOR ME KYON!
WHO. THE. HELL. AM. I?!
Has Haruhi forsaken me?
"Hik—"
Huh? Is time accelerating? I've never done hard drugs, how odd.
"…Hikigaya?"
Who? Is there someone behind me? I want to look back but my eyes are locked with Science sensei's. She has lovely grey eyes. Grey eyes that are glaring at me? Did I blow up your lab Science-chan? She DID tell me to die.
"Hikigaya Hachiman!"
"…Y-yeah?"
The fuck?
She just called ME… by That Name… 8man's… a-and I just auto responded to it.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
'That's not true! That's imposable!' No I don't want to search my feelings Kyon!
My reality is now crumbling before me… I barely held back the urge to scream at Sci- (no I can't run from this) at H-Hiratsuka Shizuka sensei, to take responsibly for unintentionally breaking me.
…So yeah…, I'm panicking! I almost screamed in Hiratsuka Shizuka's face to marry me like a fucking crazy person! Wait, wouldn't that make her happy? Happy my ass what the hell am I thinking?!
I'm losing my shit, nothing makes any fucking sense anymore because of the horrific truth that I, he, we, fuck it: Hikigaya Hachiman has come to know.
This world is just a—
Ignore it Hachiman! Fucking ignore it!
Hiratsuka sensei is right in front of us- No… right front of ME and I Know how needlessly perceptive she is to Hikigaya Hachiman… that is now to me.
Thought Acceleration was used last turn, so this is happening real time.
Stop panicking; you Know you're Lines…probably.
Don't think, FEEL, use the force you fucked up egdelord!
"Say, Hikigaya, what was the assignment that I handed—"
…Well shit, apparently I needed to know that all of THIS was really happening, and right fucking now. So Stealth-Hiki just went active, and I found my right hand caressing Hiratsuka Shizuka's cheek like a lovers.
Soft, warm, real, I feel the warmth increase as she blushes, something REAL in an unreal moment.
I lost my expressionless poker-face, and a shit-eating-grin takes its place.
This is happening, it's really happening 4-chan, it's all real, and she really is-
"Fucking real." I mumble like a psycho.
My shattered reality stabilized, though it would now always be distorted.
Haruhi is dead.
Achievement unlocked: Reality Check
Achievement unlocked: Losing My Religion
Aaaaaaah! The cringe is real! 8man's over thinking brain won't stop, and its auto responding damn it! I can't stop myself! This body won't let me!
You were supposed to use the FORCE, not your hand you creepy virgin!
Fuck it, hard reboot 8man!
Hard. Reboot. Now!
My arm snaps back to my side and my face returns to its expressionless poker-face. My dead eyes are still locked with hers. It was like nothing had ever happened. Luckily it's just the two of us in the faculty office right now.
Blushing like a high school girl, Hiratsuka sensei sat there staring at me in shocked surprise. She recovered quickly enough by putting a hand on her forehead and sighing deeply.
"Did you just sexual harass me?" Her voice dark and dangerous.
"…No, I'm having an existential crisis…probably." I deadpan with complete honesty.
She blinked and arched an eyebrow.
"…Existential crisis huh, is that the reason you wrote this death threat? Are you going crazy or are you just an idiot?"
She let out another sigh and pulled a hand through her hair, it was sexy as hell. Seriously why is she still single? Ok, I get marriage, but she should at least have boyfriend. Is it just because of the plotline? Shit, I don't want think about that right now. I'm ignoring it.
This world is just a—
Ignore it damn it!
A bundle of paper struck my head.
"Pay attention!"
"Yes."
"Your eyes are too lifeless, like that of a dead rotting fish."
"Thank you, your eyes are lovely." I answered, voice monotone.
Don't lose your filter you fool!
Her mouth falls agape.
"That wasn't a- wait you think my eyes are—"
She fake coughs into her hand from embarrassment.
"—Don't think you can flatter your way out of this."
"Tch."
The corners of her mouth twitched upwards after I clicked my tongue.
"I'm giving you one last chance to explain yourself, Hikigaya: what's with this pointlessly condescending paper? How could you have thought ending it with a death threat was, in any way, a good idea?!"
"The essay topic was 'Looking back on high school life' right? I did share my thoughts about high school life and I did finish the topic with what I thought was a satisfying conclusion. I wrote what you asked, so therefore I am not at fault here."
"No you ARE at fault here you idiot! This paper looks more like a death threat than an essay! I'd expect you to reflect on your personal experience, not…whatever you call this!"
Hiratsuka-sensei cried out with more than a little force behind it.
Yeah, yeah, Shizuka you're 'seriously scary', but I've just faced death and I won't let the last genuine thing Hikigaya Hachiman did be in vain…even if cringe on this essay is over 9,000.
"The preference to the topic, didn't say so. I would have followed it, if it did. Yet it did not, so I refuse to rewrite this essay. Besides, asking people to kill themselves is NOT a death threat."
"Watch your mouth, I'm your teacher you brat."
"Even so I refuse, and do you know how annoying it is to be called a brat by someone who acts like they're forever seventeen when they're really twenty—"
There was a gush of wind. It was a fist. A fist that was unleashed without any indication of movement. And if that weren't enough, it was an impressive fist that just grazed the side of my cheek.
"The next one won't miss." Her eyes were serious.
I knew that this was coming but, holy shit that was seriously scary!
"S-sorry I said too much, but I still refuse to rewrite this essay sensei."
I bow at a forty-five degree angle the like the corporate slave I'm likely to become. Failing my client hurts my (now) Japanese heart.
"I'm very sorry."
"…Fine."
Straightening up I observed her reaction.
With a deep sigh Hiratsuka sensei pulled out a Seven Stars cigarette from her breast pocket that was on the verge of bursting. Her rack is amazing. After packing the tobacco like an old timer, she clicked a 100-yen lighter and lit her cigarette. She took a drag and considered me with a serious look on her face.
I really, and I mean really want one of those cigarettes. The panic and stress are starting to get to me. I'm so glad she finally lit up, her second hand smoke is very calming, and kind of erotic… I just can't stop myself from being creepy and gross. Her rack is amazing!
"Say, Hikigaya…you're not in any club, right?"
I lean on to Hiratsuka sensei's desk to get a better intake of her second hand smoke.
"I'm a very active member of the Go-Home Club."
Please be rude, blow smoke right into my face I need the nicotine. Please, pretty please…damn, don't just roll your pretty eyes.
"…Do you have any friends?"
"Acquaintances, probably… I don't need friends."
'I have no friends and that's ok~' wait, what's with the look? It's like you just heard something incredibly sad.
"…What about a girlfriend or something?"
Some-… that look of pity is starting to piss me off.
"That's sexual harassment sensei, or is it one of Those things that's OK just because a beautiful woman said it?"
She coughs cigarette smoke right into my face. Thank you! Come to me, my ero-nicotine! She shoots me a glare as she lightly puts out her half used cigarette in an over filled ashtray.
What a waste… wait, Thought Acceleration, a villainess grin appears upon my face as a plan forms in head.
My expression falls as the realization dawns on me that Hiratsuka sensei and I, are smiling at each other with the exact same grin.
"Hikigaya Hachiman your essay aside, the fact remains that your heartless words and rude behavior have hurt my feelings. Were you never taught not to talk to a woman about her age? As a result, you are required to join the Service Club. After all, wrongdoings must be punished."
She was rather cheerful for someone who claims to be 'hurt', but then again I knew she was the kind of person who delights in handing out punishments.
"The Service Club huh…sounds kind of shady." My reply was lifeless. I knew this was going to happen one way or another, but I just want to go home.
"Just follow me."
Hiratsuka sensei stood up while I stayed rooted to the spot. She was already at the door, when she looked back at me.
"Oi, hurry up."
Operation Erotine Start!
"Just a moment."
I shoot Hiratsuka sensei an annoyed look, and like person whose OCD is triggered I start straightening up papers on her desk. I pushed her chair in, and take the over filled ashtray to a nearby waste bin. It was all for this moment. With my back to her, Shizuka's half used cigarette makes its way to my breast pocket.
Item acquired: Shizuka's Half Used Cigarette [common]
*Calming effect when used, -0.025hp per drag.
*Bonus trait: Shizuka's Indirect Kiss [common]
It's common huh.
I feel gross, creepy, and a bit cringe. Hell, this maybe stalker level… but I'm going to need this cigarette to help me cope with this fucked up reality.
I returned the empty ashtray to her desk and nodded to myself as if a terrible wrong had been righted. I walk to the woman whose staring at me from the door.
"Now we can go."
"Y-yeah… thanks."
I guess she thinks I did something nice for her. It makes me feel like shit.
With my brows knitted and a scowl on my face, I followed her.
As Hiratsuka sensei click-clacked on the linoleum floor, we head towards the special building. I take in the details of Sobu High and its students for the first time. From my outsider's perspective, it looks like they're actors in a youth drama trying their best to play their respective roles.
They're all fucking FAKE. The thought can only make me shudder. To take my mind off that, I play the march of the 501st in my head. Can we kill some Jedi Shizuka? Better yet some normie couples, you'd like that.
"I got a bad feeling about this…" I said like a certain smuggler.
"Oh, lighten up Hikigaya, it's not like I'm asking you to do manual labor." Hiratsuka sensei regarded me with an exceedingly contemptuous expression.
"We're here."
"So we are…, let's leave."
I turned to walk away from the room with the nondescript doorplate. Hiratsuka sensei grabs my arm and drags me through the door she opened with too much force. The force is strong with her, too strong.
It was at that moment, both my mind and my body froze.
I was inadvertently fascinated by it.
I'm standing with Shizuka by my side, our arms interlocked; we must look like a bride and groom together like this. It's wrong and fucked up, but feels right somehow. I was so distracted by this feeling, I completely missed the whole 'fateful encounter' I'm supposed to be having with the lone girl in this empty clubroom.
"Hiratsuka sensei. I thought I told you to knock before you enter…"
"Even if I do knock, you never respond."
"That's because you enter before I have time to respond." She gave a disapproving look in response to Hiratsuka sensei's words. "And who is the airhead that's staring into space… you've…acquired?" She gave me a quick once-over with a cold yet odd look in her eyes.
So I was acquired huh. This is on purpose right? How can someone so perceptive be so dense? Get the subtext you damn shounen protagonist! Whatever… I'm over this, it's best just to move on.
Yukinoshita Yukino - Grade 11, Class J the heroine of this farce. At least she was until the main character just fucked off and died… leaving me to pick up the pieces. It was very nice of those cherry blossoms to wait for me to fully look at her before blowing in. This forced attempt by the universe to make her look other worldly is nauseating. I wonder if the sky box is glitching? I should just ignore this too.
Sorry Yukinoshita but I can't 'Save' you. And I don't really need anyone to save me. However I do need a nice desperate onee-san to at least hug me though. She has to be in office wear, that's important. I wonder if I can get Shizuka into a business skirt? I need this to happen! I WILL make that happen!
Achievement unlocked: My Life's Ambition
…Well that's just fucking sad…
"This is Hikigaya. He's looking to join the club."
I freed myself from Shizuka's grasp.
"I'm Hikigaya Hachiman - Grade 11, Class F. And I'm looking to go home."
"You must engage in this club's activities as a penalty. I won't allow any disagreement, objection, protest, questions or retorts. Cool down for a bit. Reflect on your actions!" Without allowing me any room to protest, she declared her verdict with great resolution. "With that being said, you can probably tell by looking, but his heart and mind are considerably corrupt. As a result, he's a pitiable, lonely person."
'Ironic.' Oh fuck off Sheev, still I wonder...
"Which of us is the real pitiable and lonely person?" I mumbled.
I stare at Hiratsuka sensei; she avoids my gaze by turning to face Yukinoshita. "I-if he could learn how to be sociable he might just clean up his act a little. Can I leave him to you? I'm requesting that you straighten out his corrupt, reclusive disposition."
"If that's how it is, I think it would be a good idea if you beat and kick discipline into him," Yukinoshita replied grudgingly.
Are you strong with the force too Yukisithta? Scary~.
"I would if it was something I could do, but lately I've been having some problems myself. Also, physical violence isn't permitted."
"So psychological violence is completely okay huh." They ignored me.
"I respectfully decline. That boy's lecherous eyes are filled with hidden intent that makes me feel that my life is in danger." Yukinoshita set about readjusting her collar, which was not particularly out of place to begin with, and glared at me.
"Please." I roll my eyes at her. "For your information I'm only into older women."
A stunned silence filled the room.
…
Hachiman use your fucking filter!
Hiratsuka sensei recovers first from this bomb I unintentionally dropped.
"S-see y-you don't worry, Yukinoshita. Since his eyes and h-heart are both corrupt, he HAS to be quite adept at self-preservation and calculating the trade-off between the benefits and risks. He would never d-do something with me, THAT would result in a criminal charge. WE can trust his petty thug nature!" Was she trying to persuade herself or Yukinoshita? I couldn't tell, and what the hell do you mean 'with me' you idiot?!
"Oi, I am capable of making sensible judgments." I said to the still stunned Yukinoshita. I turned to Hiratsuka sensei and said with a straight face, "I'm also capable of taking responsibility." For my actions I left unsaid because I'm having fun right now.
"You... d-do you have any idea how that sounds?"
"Of course, it's only logical for me to take responsibility for my actions intentionally or otherwise." My voice was as flat as Yukinoshita chest. This is really fun. Though I'm starting to worry about the lack of emotions I'm expressing without a conscious effort. Well what's one more wrong fucking thing today?
"O-okay. T-then, I'll leave the rest to you Yukinoshita." With that Hiratsuka sensei fled the empty clubroom as if she were trying to escape a nightmare. That really hurt my feelings.
"A petty thug…I see…," Yukinoshita said, finally rebooting.
"You're not even listening and that's the thing you ended up agreeing with her on…"
Hikigaya Hachiman your petty thug nature must be a universal constant.
"Well, this was a request from sensei, I can't very well refuse it." Yukinoshita said with incredible distaste.
"Please refuse it." She ignored me.
I was left standing there alone, coming to terms with how much I relied Hiratsuka sensei as a party member. The fact I knew she was just outside the door keeps me from becoming an emotional wreck. Honestly, I would be feeling a whole lot less stressed if they had just let left me by myself. Being in an isolated environment, as I usually am, would make me feel more at ease. The sound of the clock's second hand was so dreadfully slow that I could hear it tick loudly. Annoying.
To keep myself from triggering a bittersweet memory of junior high school, I crossed over to windows and took the pose of the Grand Moff himself. I looked out at this new world I found myself in. It's Clean a little too clean, is it because it's Japan? At least the sky box isn't glitching. Do the regional governors have direct control?
"Fear will keep the local systems in line… fear of this battle station."
"…How about you stop standing there, mumbling like disgusting psychopath and just sit down?"
I ignored her.
"This will be tougher than I thought." She muttered quietly. I was able to hear her words perfectly. So damn Annoying.
'I'M not okay~ I'm NOT Okay~ well, I'm not okay~'
"I'm not O'fuckin-kay~"
"Is something wrong?" Shit I let that slip through, I guess ignoring her wasn't an option.
"Ah, my bad. I was thinking if I should warp this plotli—" Oh just fucking tell EVERYTHING to Yukinoshita why don't you! "—Well I mean, what's with this shady club? Is this even a real club or just one of Hiratsuka sensei's side projects?"
She flinches at my words before ignoring them.
"How about this? Let's play a game."
"A game huh."
"Yes. A game which requires you to guess what kind of club this is. So then, what kind of club is this?"
"A branch of the SOS Brigade?"
"What could ever be your reasoning for that?"
"Glad you asked, you totally seem like the type of person that would bully the lone member of Literary Club to give up their clubroom so that you could use it for your own shady purposes, though it looks like you have chased off said club member. Feel free to chase me off too."
"Incorrect." Yukinoshita gave a short and scornful laugh.
"Couldn't accept Haruhi into your heart huh." In response, Yukinoshita glanced at me like I was a piece of trash. She narrowed her large eyes as if to half-close them and let out a cold sigh.
"I'll give you a hint. My being here, doing what I am, is the club's activities."
"How about an Occult Research Society!?" I say with a fake enthusiasm. My face still had a non-expression on it, even with the false energy I gave to my voice. Yeah that's not creepy at all.
"Wrong…That's ridiculous. Ghosts don't exist."
"I wonder, for all you know I could be this club's first true phantom member." I said in all seriousness.
Without displaying the least bit of cuteness, she used all her power to look at me with the most scornful eyes. They were the kind of eyes that said 'Idiots should die.'
"Hikigaya-kun. How many years has it been since you've talked to a girl?"
"Besides Forever Seventeen sensei and my sister, you're the first girl I've talked to for a long time, a long time…"
I'm so annoyed that I break my Tarkin stance and turn to face head on.
"Hey can we stop this 'simulation' here? I'm already in what fucking feels like a simulation; I don't need another fucking one on top it." I said with complete honesty. Shit I'm losing control; I'm very close to saying some real fucked up shit to Yukinoshita.
"I see your words are as vulgar as your eyes, though it pains me to ask but how did you know this was a conversation simulation?"
"You really do NOT want the answer to that question." Keep your shit together Hachiman.
"Could you not attempt to sound cryptic, it's pathetic, or are you incapable of answering such a simple question?" So much for keeping my shit together until I could be alone… The same shit-eating-grin that I gave Hiratsuka sensei appeared on my face. Yukinoshita flinches back but keeps the scornful look in her eyes.
"How did I know this was a 'conversation simulation' huh? The same way I knew that you were about to give a pointlessly condescending monologue that contains your naïve yet twisted since of 'noblesse oblige', at least before I derailed the whole 'conversation simulation' thing." I make eye contact with her, my dead eyes seem to unnerve her more than what I'm saying. "You know it ends with something about: 'According to Hiratsuka sensei, it is the duty of those who are superior to save those who lead a pitiable existence.' Blah, blah, blah 'I will rectify your problem. Show some gratitude.' …Or some other bullshit." Her arctic blue eyes start to widen in shock. "It's the same way I knew about the Service Club: the whole 'helping others' thing, accepting their stupid, teenage-related requests before I was even dragged into it by Hiratsuka sensei…" I point to the door. "That I can't just walk out that door because I know at this very moment SHE is standing right outside trying to listen in. Hell I even know why she can't get married."
"…I just KNOW Yukinoshita." Source: me. I lose my grin, at this point I might as well let out what I've been trying to ignore this whole time. My Malachor V.
"…Just like I know that…This world is just a lie. A fucking work of fiction. It's all so FAKE that I hate it. Your sister Haruno was right, nothing is genuine. Everyone including you Yukinoshita, are just NPCs… No I take that back, I'm pretty sure Hiratsuka Shizuka is shounen protagonist who's too dense to realize she's in the wrong universe… I certainly am… Oh, and one last thing, the more left unsaid about your sister the better. I can't be sure if talking about her will spawn her here." That would be scary as hell.
I feel a little bit better now. I guess opening up and talking to her did 'fix' me to some degree after all. Too bad the same couldn't be said for Yukinoshita. She stood up so violently that her chair fell over. Her expression was one of true shock and horror. Well this wasn't in the anime. How will she face her Malachor V?
"You,—How did? That's imposable!"
Tell me about it.
Yukinoshita glared at me as if to say 'Why are you even alive?' Her eyes were scary. S-she isn't going to kill me is she? Hey I fucking tried ok!
Silence descended upon the room.
However, the silence was soon shattered, as the door was violently pulled open with a resounding clatter.
"Yukinoshita. I'm coming in." Yukinoshita looked at the door, then back me, as if a magic trick just took place.
"I told you to knock…" Yukinoshita's expression became despondent as Hiratsuka sensei joined us again.
"Sorry, sorry. Don't mind me and just continue as you were. I just thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing." Hiratsuka sensei gave Yukinoshita a generous smile, and leaned against the classroom wall. She then looked back and forth between Yukinoshita and me.
"Yukinoshita. It appears that you're having a hard time straightening him out."
"This is beyond imagination, he is completely divorce from our reality; such a thing should not exist."
"Oi don't just deny my existents, it's not like I can just change, I never really asked for any of it…"
"…What are you saying? If you don't change, if you don't form a connection to this reality, to this world, you'll be at a level that'll make… forget society… just living difficult." Yukinoshita looked at me with a troubled expression. "It appears that your very humanity is severely in question. You're gravely mistaken if you think you can just continue to go on like this."
"Knowing what I know: …you will find, that it is YOU who are mistaken, about a great many things… All I can do right now is continue to stay true to myself. I'll continue to live on my own terms in this fucking anime world."
Hiratsuka sensei cocked her head slightly in confusion. "Hm?"
"You're just running away from the problem. If you don't change your perception, you won't move forward."
"We're back on script huh, fascinating." Yukinoshita glared at me.
"What's wrong with running away? Sometimes running away is all someone can do to 'move forward'. He- I mean, I got into this fucking high school by running away. I'm even third of our year. Why can't you just accept me for who and what I am?"
"…If that's how it is, it wouldn't solve any problems or save anybody." As Yukinoshita spoke the word 'save', her expression was that of bloodcurdling anger.
"Good… I can feel your anger… Take your cat book. Strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the dark side will be complete." Wait… it looks she is really go to strike me with her book, her hand is reaching for it!
"Piff, cat book… Alright both of you just calm down and Hikigaya stop quoting Star Wars."
"No."
"Do it."
"You will not take it from me."
"…"
"…"
Now that was saving someone, thank you Hiratsuka sensei. No I take that back, just by looking at her grinning face you could tell that she was full of anticipation and delight. "…Things have become interesting. I love developments like these. It's like JUMP, which is nice don't you think?"
I just stared at her.
"S-since before ancient times, when two collide in the name of justice, it is customary in shounen manga to battle it out in an all or nothing match."
"But we're not in a shounen manga, it's at best a slice of life!" At worst a romantic comedy, she ignored me anyway, though Yukinoshita raised an eyebrow.
As sensei let out a resounding laugh, she turned to us and made a loud announcement.
"Well then let's do it this way. From now on, I will guide troubled lambs to this club where they will be under your supervision. The both of you will try and help them as you see fit. And it would be good if you prove your moral righteousness to each other to the best of your ability. Who can help these people?! Gundam Fight. Ready, Go!"
"I refuse." Yukinoshita declared, bluntly rejecting her proposition. Her eyes harbored the same coldness that had been directed at me only a little while ago. I just continued to stare at her, trying to inject as much pity into my eyes as I could. It didn't seem to be working...
After sensei had registered our unwillingness, she bit her nails in frustration.
"Tch, maybe a Robattle5 would have been easier to understand…"
"That's not the problem…" I feel a disturbance in the force, in just a moment something really hurtful is about be said. As the only adult in the room I need to stop her. Sensei why did you just glare at me? Are you a Newtype now?!
"Sensei. Please stop act—"
"—Yukinoshita Yukino stop right there." Saying her full name show how serious I was. "I think we both can agree that some things are better left unsaid. Nothing hurts worst than the truth."
"Hey Hikigaya why is my intuition telling me your thinking something rude?"
"Why I had no idea that we were so close that you could read my mind. Are you my soul-mate Hiratsuka-san?" I say sarcastically with my hand over my heart. But doesn't EVERTHING I say sound fucking sarcastic? Oh Shit what if she takes that seriously and rejects me?! I may throw myself off the roof if that happens!
Hiratsuka sensei's face was colored pink in embarrassment. She cleared her throat as if to cover up my faux pas.
"In-in any case! The only thing that will prove one's rectitude is their actions! If I said you must have a match, then you will have a match. Neither of you have the right to say no."
I feel a little disappointed that she ignored my question, but I need to stop this childishly hyperactive woman with a mind full of shounen manga from spouting more absurd remarks. I don't want anything from Yukinoshita.
Oi, stop glaring at me you Newtype.
"Fine, we'll have match with our prides on the line. That should be enough for something as stupid as this battle. This is inevitable Yukinoshita; you should just accept it before she throws even more absurd conditions at us. That is unless you're afraid?"
I turn to Yukinoshita and mouth the words 'dense shounen protagonist' to her, while trying to ignore the sharp gaze at the back of my head.
"…Fine. Although, I'm a little annoyed that I must give in to such cheap provocation. I accept. While we're at it, I'll let you deal with that boy, also. "
That's the sore loser I know, but what does she mean by 'deal with'? Did you just curse me?
Hiratsuka sensei had a very annoyed look on her face. She must have really wanted to throw that last condition on to us.
"Then it's decided."
Is she seriously pouting? Why are you pouting at your age? Why is it the cutest thing ever? Stop it you're not Totsuka!
"I will decide the winner of this match. Of course, the decision will be influenced by my opinion and bias. Don't think about it too much and just act accordingly…in an appropriate and proper manner and do your best." Having uttered these words listlessly, Hiratsuka sensei left the room still pouting, leaving only me and a very cross Yukinoshita behind.
Finally this farce is over and there's even sometime before school ends. I'm sure as smartest student in this school Yukinoshita can rationalize the things I said to her, not that I could keep it a secret from her anyway. It shouldn't cause too much of a divergence with how things will play out. I can already see the butterfly hitting the window on this one.
There's nothing more to say so I'll head out now, at least after one last parting shot.
"…So how about we change the name of this club to the Occult Service Society?"
Yukinoshita facepalms.
"Just leave." She said with a sigh.
I head out the door and go down the stairs with my mind still unsettled. Upon reaching the first floor I see an unused music room as evident by the grand piano inside. An idea to clear my mind comes to me at that moment. A little hobby from the world I left behind. I walk up to the door and of course the door is unlocked. The doors to the unused music room and the rooftop are always unlocked…fucking anime world. Letting out a sigh I sit at the piano, it's your standard Yamaha. The same can't be said for the music room though. It has this eerie atmosphere like it's strong in the dark side of the force. Ah, I can only think of one person who went to this school that could leave such an impression. No wonder this music room is unused.
Thanks to Hachiman's arcade reflexes and incredible memory I think I can go from an amateur pianist to just a mediocre one. It wasn't long until Radiohead's Creep filled the corridors of the special building.
I alighted off my bike at the closest park near my new… well new to me, neighborhood and sat on a quiet bench.
My school blazer is already in my bag from when I went to local konbini to pick up short black lighter and a can of Max Coffee. I was happy with the first because I find the small ones last longer. As for the second it was more of my mind telling me no, but body telling me yes kind of thing. I'm someone who like's there coffee as hot a red lightsaber and as black as the dark side. To me Max Coffee is not coffee, it's a coffee flavored energy drink.
I finally have some fucking time and space to myself. Playing the piano like egdelord is fun and all, not to mention a nice break after all that stress I went through. But now I need to come to terms with what happened and sort my shit out.
It's time to use my special item: Shizuka's Half Used Cigarette [common].
I fish the half used cigarette out of my breast pocket and try my best to ignore the light pink lipstick on the filter as I put the cigarette in my mouth and lit it up.
Ah, nicotine-chan I missed you. For the first time today I feel truly alive, the stress just melts away… I need to take Shizuka's lips…
…
…
Achievement unlocked: Hot For Teacher
Oh fuck I've been cursed! I'm longing for HER?!
The romance between a high school student and a teacher never works. Even if this is a fucking anime world, and especially a realistic one like this. The risks are too great and way too one sided. Just a rumor of a teacher and student doing anything that remotely looks like dating and the relationship ends in tragedy…with the teacher taking all the responsibility. And what do fucking high school normies love more than anything? Its rumors.
Why couldn't she be a normal office worker?! The risks are so much lower and hardly anyone would give a damn!
Also what the hell is with this curse?!
…Can only be broken with HER marriage! Are you fucking kidding me?!
SOMEONE JUST TAKE HER ALREADY OR—
—I will…?
…Marriage could work between a high school student and a teacher… probably.
Ah, fuck! I just used my only cigarette thinking about Shizuka!
…Wait I still have a new smokers buzz, so I can still do this. It's time bitch about my Malachor V like a true exile.
Thought Acceleration!
Okay before I went insane, let's sort out what the fuck is happening. Hikigaya Hachiman and I are both dead. The End roll credits. Hachiman died by normie-fag… and I died by something, something the dark side… yeah, total blank, I just Know that I'm dead. Source: me. Speaking of my source material just who was I?
'Stanley, is that you Stanley?'
No Narrator-san, I wish I was Stanley at least he has a coping bucket. I might as well call myself John Smith, I sure Kyon wouldn't mind. Some things are still there but it's vague Hell. There's the fact that I'm twenty eight, the son of single mother whose name I also can't recall. I was a loner that hated people. I was also a loser NE-… a loser that was in between employment. I had wanted a REAL job, I wanted a family but things never went my way. My hobby was the piano. I also enjoyed music, reading and anime. Let's face it… I was a weeb (painful) from Murica (cringe) that loved Star Wars before the dark times… before The Mouse.
I'm like a corrupted save file that has a thing for older women.
And said file was loaded in this poor dead bastard by random chance. Oh and fuck this start! Aren't you like supposed to wake up in a bed in these kinds of situations or get reborn?! Why am I playing on hell mode?!
I guess like in life, in death there are still no real answers. No blue ghost is going to pop out and say 'Yo' to me. I'll just have to live on as Hikigaya Hachiman. This sucks. I'm not one for suicide but the fact that it's not even an option for me really pisses me off.
Now I can just hear some rather invasive people outside the fourth wall raising doubts and asking what the big deal is about living as 8man. You're a protagonist in a fucking anime world bro, have fun and enjoy it.
First off. Fuck all of you for invading my privacy! The thought that I might be living out my life as form of entertainment for you meat-bags is disgusting.
Putting THAT aside I'd have ask are you retarded?
It would be one thing if I wear born into this fucking anime world even with my save file corrupted as it is. A clean start if you will. I wouldn't give a damn if it was all fake. I love My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU after all.
The problem is this isn't a clean start at all. One of my favorite characters of all time is dead and I'm using his memory card. I'm playing with Hachiman's save data. Think about what that really means you stupid meat-bags. Or don't, I'll tell you what it means to me. Now I'm not a psychoanalyst so bare with me.
Everything Hikigaya Hachiman experienced right up to the moment of his death is still here. All the components of a personality, the sources of bodily needs and wants, emotional impulses and desires. EVERYTHING… and on top of that his incredible memory is really biting me in the ass. The only thing missing is his ego or will… some would say soul… probably.
The most important thing was replaced by ME plus add-on the bonus of my memory of experiences and memories.
Now I'm the user in control but this is not my hardware, operating system or even application, it was his.
The feelings I'm feeling right now are not my feelings they're his. All I have are the remembered experiences of what I should be feeling brought to me by his brain along with his feelings that I feel.
It's the same process with needs, wants and desires.
Let that sink in meat-bags.
Today when I saw Yukinoshita my body lusted after her much to the horror of my mind. The fact that I could feel that for a sixteen year old girl truly sickens me. This body may be sixteen years old, but I KNOW that I'm twenty eight. It's fucking disgusting.
My 'youth' just like this world is a fucking lie.
I can never have something genuine here and I hate it.
Letting out a long sigh as my buzz and Thought Acceleration run out, I open my can of Max Coffee (energy drink).
It's also fucking disgusting.
…I want to die.
My reincarnated life is wrong.
Source: me.
Link: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/14099814/1/