*Kinda a crack-fic, also it's short so I'll post both chapters*
Summary: When Commander Yamamoto requested peer reviews from his captains, he didn't quite get what he wanted. But then again, he should have known better than to expect sanity from the Gotei 13.
Link: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/3821728/1/
Word count:2k
Chapters:2
Chapter 1
Eleventh Division
Zaraki Kenpachi's Report on How Some Captains're Fucking Pansies
Where'm I gonna start?
Kuchiki's a fucking pansy, it's true. I titled my report in honor of him and his pansiness. Hell, I could fill this whole report with reasons about why he's such a fucking pansy, but then I wouldn't have any space left over for how I think Kurotsuchi's a fucking pansy too, and I can't miss writing about that. But I gotta admit the whole reason I'm actually writing this and not giving it to Yachiru for coloring practice like the last dozen reports is cuz I wanna talk about how Kuchiki's a fucking pansy.
Fucker don't like fighting. It ain't my fault I demolished his division's barracks last time we sparred. He was the one doing the dodging. Shoulda taken it like a man.
Fucker can't drink worth a damn. Ukitake holds his booze better than Kuchiki does. It's a damn shame I didn't have a camera on me when me'n Ikkaku caught the bitch dancing the cha-cha on his way out of a bar.
Fucker was gonna kill his little sister and her boyfriend. I gotta admit Ichigo's pretty damn killable, but... I dunno how fucked up y'gotta be to try'n kill your own little sister. I guess it's Kuchiki's deluded way of trying to be badass.
They say he explained it all after the Aizen shit went down. Something to do with keeping promises or some bullshit like that. Fuck if I know, I don't speak Pansyese.
Oh, and he's probably gay. I dunno what the fuck Renji was thinking when he transferred over there, but I pity the bastard. Must suck to be a pansy's butt-monkey.
Come to think of it, Hitsugaya's kinda like a short-as-fuck Kuchiki. Only thing going for him is that he's got a temper where Kuchiki's probably got a stick shoved up his ass so far it's a wonder it ain't poking out his mouth. So he ain't a pansy, at least, but Aizen made him his bitch and frankly speaking that's fucking hilarious, cuz the first and most important rule of being a badass is that y'gotta put your asskicking where your shit-talking is. And yeah, sad to say but he's gay too. Seen his vice captain? Any guy who can look at tits like that every day and not even twitch is one-hundred percent gay.
About Unohana... I dunno. My men're scared as fuck of her for some reason. Me, I never noticed anything when I was at her place. Except the needles. She calls 'em needles. I call 'em spears. Hurt like fuck and she insisted I had to take sixty of 'em just for a goddamn scratch.
But I bet she fucks like a tiger. All the quiet ones do.
Soi Fong's a lesbian. I know this report is sounding kinda perverted by now, but I gotta call 'em like I see 'em. I gotta admit, though, I never figured her for the type who'd take bottom.
Komamu
Ken-chan iz killing a ninjas yaaaaaaay
Sorry about that. I had to beat the shit out of a ninja I caught spying on me just now. Don't make ninjas like they used to. I thought they were supposed to be stealthy. Fucker was laughing out loud for some reason.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, Komamura. On one hand, the guy has balls to finally take off that helmet. On the other hand, he's a pussy cuz he was wearing a helmet in the first place. And... well... who the hell notices him? I'm serious here. The guy's tall as fuck and a half and he's the fucking invisible man. They shoulda made him the Onmitsukidou commander instead of the lesbian.
Aizen gets an honorable mention here even though he ain't a captain no more, just cuz the fucker managed to fool my badass detecting senses, which're a fuckton better'n my sense of direction. How? He wore dork glasses. No self-respecting badass motherfucker'd ever wear dork glasses. I swear the man has no dignity.
Kyouraku can drink. That's honestly all I can remember of him cuz whenever I go to try'n fight him we end up getting so goddamn smashed I woke up once wearing Yumichika. I don't mean I stole his clothes or fucked him or anything like that. I ain't Kuchiki. I was wearing the goddamn fruitcake. Gods know how.
Ukitake... well, I heard he's strong, but unlike some fuckers I can name, I don't get my jollies from fighting sick people. Blind people, maybe. Sick people? No.
Which brings me to the only captain left, and the only fucker who's almost as pansy as King Pansy Kuchiki. Kurotsuchi.
I don't wanna know why the fucker looks like an angry mime. I don't wanna know how the hell he got schooled so hard by a guy wearing glasses and a cape and a skirt. I don't even wanna know what the hell that green shit he turns into really is.
It's just...
Just how pathetic do y'haveta be to make a girl cuz ya ain't got a chance in hell at scoring with real ones?
I rest my case.
That's it, right? Dammit, writing this took an hour of my life that I coulda spent on better'n more wholesome things, like beating the everloving shit outta something.
Oh yeah, and old man? I just sent copies of this to Kuchiki, Hitsugaya and Kurotsuchi. Hope y'don't mind. Heh.
Commander Yamamoto's Notes: I shall not count how many "fuck"s were included in this report, nor any other miscellaneous profanities. I shall pointedly ignore the heated sounds of battle coming from the direction of the 11th Division's barracks. I shall also ignore the gigantic ice dragon rising above said barracks, shrouded in poisonous gas and iridescent cherry blossoms, and the fact that it is attempting to kill Captain Zaraki.
But nonetheless I wish it luck.
Chapter 1.5
Ass Men
It was evening and the sun had set over Seireitei. The 11th Division's barracks lay in shambles, a thick cloud of purple death hanging somberly over the ruins. Ice that had persisted through the midday sun was thick on the ground, silent testament to the battle that had taken place there.
It was a fight that would go down as one of the worst in recorded history, lasting well over three hours and demolishing good portions of the neighboring 10th and 12th Divisions as well. When the dust finally settled settled, fully half of the 11th Division had to be treated for frostbite. A hundred were taken directly to the 12th Division's barracks to receive antidotes for the poison of Konjiki Ashisogi Jizou. The rest suffered from countless tiny lacerations that adorned their entire bodies. Hitsugaya's zanpakuto had shattered, while Ashisogi Jizou's blade lay in the rubble, having snapped off at the hilt.
In the aftermath, Mayuri had stabbed himself with what remained of his zanpakuto, flowing his way down towards the 12th Division's barracks while bubbling ominously. Incidentally, Vice Captain Kusajishi reported discovering an "icky stain" near the 12th Division barracks at about that time, but helpfully added that she had "mopped it all down the drain". Byakuya offered silent condolences to his fallen comrade, who by now was no doubt collecting vital information on the state of Seireitei's plumbing system.
In her infinite wisdom, Unohana had seen to it that Zaraki was treated in a seperate wing of the building, leaving the remaining two captains sharing a large room. Beside Byakuya, Hitsugaya sighed and lay back in his bed, closing his eyes. The short captain really didn't see why he had to be bedridden when untold mountains of paperwork were no doubt being formed. He knew better than to hope that his vice captain would do any for him; she was probably out getting drunk.
Despite the film of unmelting ice that had formed over his wounds and staunched the flow of blood, Unohana had insisted on covering the younger captain with a swath of bandages. She'd blithely ignored his loud protests with a cheerfulness born from centuries of treating obstinate patients and shooed him into the hospital bed, seeming more like a reprimanding mother than anything.
As for Byakuya, Unohana had silenced him with a look that could have melted steel, gently leading him to his bed while radiating nearly palpable killer intent. Somehow, it had seemed unwise to reprimand a woman who merely had his best interests in mind, especially when her sword hand was straying dangerously close to her zanpakuto. Byakuya restrained himself from fidgeting; it would not due for a scion of the noble house of Kuchiki to do anything so undignified as fidget, especially in front of another captain.
A tense, uncomfortable silence fell over the room as Unohana left. Hitsugaya made an effort to ignore the mounds of paperwork that were piling up in his mind, while Byakuya resisted the urge to climb out of bed, injured as he was, and kill Kurosaki Ichigo for daring to act in a way that even suggested he was Rukia's boyfriend. It was Hitsugaya who spoke first. He needed to talk about something or he'd go crazy.
"Kuchiki."
Byakuya frowned; the boy was far too disrespectful considering his common blood and relative inexperience. Granted, the young captain a sight less impetuous than Ichigo - the nerve of the teenager, calling him just "Byakuya" - but Hitsugaya still managed to irritate the older captain.
Nevertheless, he replied. "Yes?"
For a long while Hitsugaya didn't continue, but Byakuya knew better than to prod him.
"...For the record, I'm not gay," he said finally, a deep frown marring his features. "I just can't see Matsumoto like that. I mean... sometimes a guy needs more than just breasts, you know?"
Byakuya blinked. He hadn't been expecting anything like that. Not at all. Apparently Captain Unohana's painkillers had had unexpected side effects.
"Now, Momo has a great ass," Hitsugaya continued, the words coming out in a veritable flood now that he finally had someone to listen. "Zaraki's got me all wrong, Kuchiki. It's not that I don't like women. I'm just not a breast man.
"I know I'm in the minority here in Soul Society. Half of my men start drooling when Matsumoto walks in, and I keep getting transfer proposals from Kyouraku and Ukitake. And Komamura. You have no idea how much that last one creeped me out. They're all obsessed with these two fleshy bags of fat stuck on people's chests."
Byakuya blinked again. He was learning far more about Captain Hitsugaya's sexual preferences than he had ever wanted to know.
Hitsugaya fell silent and simmered for a while, his face going red. "I..." He stopped, took a deep breath. "I'm an ass man!" It came out in a burst of words, a cathartic explosion, a confession that seemed to bring peace to the young captain's features.
In the silence that ensued, there was a small gasp. Hitsugaya's head whipped around fast enough to leave an afterimage, letting him catch a glimpse of the eavesdropper. A sinking feeling grew in his heart as he made out the small bun keeping the girl's hair done up; there was only one person in the Gotei 13 who had that distinctive hairstyle. Hinamori Momo. And judging from the way she'd run away, she'd heard everything.
"I am so fucked."
A few minutes after Hinamori had left and Byakuya confirmed that there were no more eavesdroppers, the 6th Division's captain made his statement.
"I, too, am an ass man."
It was enough of a shock to break Hitsugaya out of his funk. "You... you're not gay?"
Byakuya fixed him with a withering glare. "I could say the same of you, Captain Hitsugaya."
He colored. "Sorry."
Byakuka nodded once, then continued. "You know of my late wife, Hisana." He had to stop himself from sniffling aloud at the thought of her. Hitsugaya nodded. "She had an ass that could turn the head of a dead man," he said solemnly.
Hitsugaya nodded again, his eyes somber. "So we're both just misunderstood ass men?"
"So it would seem."
The knowledge formed a bond of sorts between the two captains, an odd camaraderie that instantly eased whatever disputes had existed between them.
"And by now there're probably rumors that we're both gay spreading all over Seireitei." Hitsugaya sighed. "Matsumoto read the report."
Byakuya shook his head, saying, "She is not to blame. Our enemy lies elsewhere."
Both ass men narrowed their eyes as they thought of the bane of their existence.
"Zaraki," Byakuya growled.
As if the name had been a summons, the wall opposite to them exploded in a spray of concrete and paint chips. Slowly, the debris settled, revealing the familiar shape of a man both captains knew far too well for their liking.
"Hey, fuckers," Zaraki Kenpachi said, seemingly unconcerned that he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, his left arm and both legs encased in casts. As he reached up and removed the eyepatch that restrained his reiatsu, all three casts disintegrated and he drew his zanpakuto, seemingly none the worse for wear.
"Round Two's on. What're ya pussies waiting for?"
Hitsugaya looked over at Byakuya, and a silent message passed between them. Byakuya gave the younger captain a slight nod, and as one they stood up slowly, forcing their aching bodies from their beds. Frigid water and shards of ice coalesced in Hitsugaya's hand, the air temperature dropping noticeably as Hyourinmaru reforged itself in a burst of cold air. Byakuya simply drew Senbonzakura from its place beside his bed and held it in front of him, point facing towards the floor.
"Bankai."
In the end, of course, Unohana won.
Link: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/3821728/1/