"Ackk! Huff! Huff! Ugh..."
My throat burns as if I've swallowed molten lava, I can't breathe properly because my lungs are filled with water, and the muscles on my arm keep telling me that I've long surpassed my limits.
'How long can I hold on?'
No, that's not the question.
'How long can I keep telling myself to hold on?'
Once we fell in, I figured that getting out of the river is a nearly impossible task.
'I swear, this world loves a lot of impossible things. And what's with this current? It's nearly as strong as my will to live.'
It's taking everything in me to keep the lavender eyes and I afloat. To make it worse, the end of the river was a waterfall. It's a miracle that I managed to grab an elongated branch. If I didn't, we would've fallen and died down there.
That would have been a shame when we barely escaped a near-death experience. Thinking back to that, I released a bitter chuckle.
"How many children did I send to the afterlife for this?"
A day hasn't passed since I've been in this world but I feel like I've died multiple times already.
"Hmm?"
Suddenly, lavender eyes stirred beside me. I weakly nudged his shoulder to make sure he's actually conscious.
"Hey, are you awake?"
"...I had a nightmare."
"Must be horrible but I would've slept longer if I were you, reality doesn't look better."
I expected a little retort but lavender eyes answered with a tiny, barely audible voice.
"...eave me..."
"What?"
"You can leave me."
I didn't speak. Part of it was because I was really shocked.
Out of everything that happened today, seeing this version of him was definitely the most surprising.
But for the most part, I felt bad for him. If time were to turn back, I'd probably make him do this all over again so I can't say I'm sorry.
All I could do was swallow the guilt that kept nagging me. If lavender eyes wanted to die because he couldn't live with the horrible things that I made him do then I couldn't blame him.
'But I did ask for any moral compass, right? He said he had none.'
Come to think of it, he might be lying back then. I remember him asking if I was sure with my plans earlier.
'I mean, that doesn't change anything now that we'd done the deed but...'
It's not like I have the right to justify his inhumane actions after I pushed him to do it. So I did the only thing I could think of doing.
"Was it because you killed the children earlier? You killed because of my plan. Blame me."
I'll take responsibility for it.
I know I can't take the blame for everything, but the majority of what happened earlier is something I can be held accountable for.
But lavender eyes said something weird.
"It's not that."
"Then what?"
My arms were shaking. This wasn't a time for a conversation but saying that we should get out of the river first didn't fit well with the mood.
"We."
After a deafening silence, I heard his voice again.
"Vampires are born with an innate strength to fight predators. I couldn't control my powers and ended up killing my family."
His voice remained emotionless however, the words he said made me think that I was listening to a lonely child.
'Some vampires can't control their instinct? I keep learning new things.'
I was under the impression that having these instincts came with the ability to control them but it seems that's not the case. Seeing that he perfectly morphed earlier, he must have trained a lot.
He suffered, basking in agony in hopes of forgiveness.
That's admirable.
'But dead people are dead. We won't know when or if they would even forgive the sins of the living.'
It's naturally like that and we can't do anything about it.
I wanted to say those words but his lavender eyes gave me a hunch that he already knew. My tired gaze observed his weary, yet still-breathing figure.
'Didn't he choose to continue suffering even after knowing that?'
After a while, I finally spoke up.
"You want to die but your body refuses death."
He flinched.
"I don't deserve to live. I've had enough of life."
"Stop denying it, will you? It's obvious. If you truly wanted to die, then you would have been dead already."
This guy with lavender eyes was a walking contradiction. Even when he told me to leave, his grip on my shoulder didn't loosen.
'Fuck, he's holding tightly too. My shoulders are swollen. Damn it.'
I let out a deep sigh.
"Lavender eyes, there's a part of you that wants to live, right? Even if you can't forgive yourself, you also want to live a little longer."
"..."
He kept his silence, knowing that I hit the nail.
"I also feel the same. You saw it earlier. For my goal, I used innocent children like they were nothing but pawns and even if it's possible to turn back time, I wouldn't change anything."
I paused.
'Wow. It's one thing to find myself revolting after knowing this but saying that out loud somehow makes it worse.'
Well, it is what it is.
My lips curved into a complicated grin.
"It's fucking disgusting."
"...I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm breathing for nothing."
"Ha!"
The hair at the back of my neck stood up.
Just for the record, I've had goosebumps from the cold water since earlier but I'm having them again for a different reason this time.
'Oh geez, when will this man stop being a dramatic emo? It's creeping me out.'
I nudged his shoulder again.
"Hey, if you're just going to waste your life then why don't you live for my sake? I'll let you use me as an excuse to keep on breathing."
"You're extraordinarily cruel. Are you telling me to live and suffer for a complete stranger?"
"You're still calling me stranger after all that happened?"
"Stop making it sound weird."
"Hahaha! Fine. But all jokes aside, yes, I'm serious."
I didn't hide my growing smirk.
Why should I when every word he said was correct? Full marks, lavender eyes.
'Right now, he's weak. If I push him with my remaining strength, he'll fall and die. I could end his suffering. He knows it too.'
But isn't that such a waste?
If he dies, I'll have fewer chances of surviving. That's probably why I'm holding on to him for dear life. He needs to live so I can live longer. That's why even if I have to force it on him...
"Live."
Thinking about it now, he's right. I really am cruel.
"Lavender eyes, you can hate me for this but don't you dare die."
As a big wave of water washed over us, I doubted my capability to hold on any longer.
FWOOOOSH!
"Ackkk!"
The wave enveloped our bodies. I wanted to talk more but my body was giving up. Time wasn't so forgiving to us.
'...Ah, damn it.'
My grip loosened and the current swept us away again.
I felt his grip tighten as we fell for the second time. All of my strength left me but I managed to hear some final words.
"...Fine. I've been in so much pain that I've grown accustomed to it. Suffering for a little longer won't make a difference."
I smiled in relief.
Looks like I got through him.