Even as the night falls, I lack the courage to confront my mother because of the embarrassment I'm feeling. I can't look her in the eyes or see her face; I can't even look at my mother and apologize.
I enter the house quietly and notice that the lights in my mother's room are turned off.
'Is she asleep now?' I was thinking to myself.
After a long hour of standing in my spot on the hill, I go to my bedroom and vanish like a shadow into the darkness. Instead of turning on the lights, I curled up in my bed and hid under my blankets. I'm just ready for this day to be over. All I want to do now is forget about what I did today and apologize to my mother the next day.
'I know she got scared when she look at me.' I said this while hiding under the blankets and hugging my pillow.
There is no light in my vision, and the only sound in the silence is my own breathing. My eyes slowly close as I become aware of my own exhaustion. Everything becomes light and airy as if I'm floating in the sea and being carried to shore by the waves. My body gradually sinks into the water, and the events of the day fade away in my mind, slowly but steadily. From where I am, I can clearly see the ocean's bottom. It's extremely bright, and the creatures in my immediate vicinity are moving in lockstep with the currents. It's brimming with lovely things. In the background, I can hear them singing and laughing. The brightly colored fishes encircle me as if to say, "Welcome home, Nilliam," in the cheeriest tones possible. I float and swim alongside them. Everything appears to be a dream, including the corals and seaweeds who came to greet me and show me their vibrant colors and lightning flashes. Everything appears to be in such good spirits, and everything feels to be enjoyable. Then, at the ocean's bottom, I see my mother, who is waving to me alongside the other fish and sea creatures. She appears to be really happy, as evidenced by her bright smile and twinkling eyes, which are reflected in the water. I want to stay here as long as possible to be free of my emotions. I want to become one with the ocean and merge with it.
'Nilliam?', someone called my name.
'Nilliam, anak?'
Then I notice my mother standing beside my bed, calling my name in an attempt to wake me. In my bed, I was startled, and the light was shining directly into my eyes.
'Ma?' I muttered.
'Were you dreaming?' My mother asked, taking a seat beside me.
'I believe so,' I told my mother, trying to remember what I had seen.
'You didn't eat your dinner,' Mom observed. 'How about we get some food?' she suggested.
I burst into tears and apologized to my mother, who looked at me and I said, 'I'm so sorry ma.' She moves closer to me and tightly wraps her arms around me.
'It's fine, anak,' she replied. 'I apologize as well.'
My heart hurt because I was still disappointed in myself, but it was reassuring to know that my mother is trying to understand me. I didn't mean to hurt her, and I deeply regret any discomfort this has caused her. I'll never forget the day I inadvertently hurt my mother because I couldn't control my emotions.
As she removed her arms from my shoulders and back, she turned to face me and said, 'I love you.'
'I love you, ma!' My tears continue to fall down my cheeks, but I am wiping them away with my hands.
'So, let's eat then?' she asked, her face bright.
The longer I look into my mother's eyes, the more I realize how lucky I am to have her as my mother.
"Let's go," I said, giving her a warm smile.
Mom told me something while we were eating in the dining room.
'Pack your bags tonight; we'll leave for Manila first thing tomorrow morning.' She informed.
'Tomorrow?' I was a little befuddled.
'A doctor in Manila has been recommended to me by a friend.'
'Is it for my heart?'
'Yes. I don't want to keep overthinking and guessing as to why you're feeling something in your heart.'
'But, isn't it a little early?'
'Nilliam, you shouldn't put this off any longer. Your health is more important, and I'm worried about you.' She went into great depth with me.
'I understand that you're worried, ma, but...'
'You won't be able to stop me now; I've already purchased our plane tickets.' She smiled as she looked at me.
'Fine. I know I won't be able to stop you from doing what you've decided to do.'
'Good. So, once you've finished there, pack your things.'
'All right, ma,' I said, affirmatively. 'Could you tell me how many days we'll be there?'
'It's only for three days,' my mother says.
'Oh, I thought we'd be there for a month,' I laughed.
'We can't do that, anak. I've got library works to do, and you still have classes to go to.'
'I know, I know,' I replied to my mother, 'I'm just kidding.' It still makes me laugh.
'But I'm hoping there's nothing wrong with your heart,' she added. 'That's what concerns me the most,' she added.
'Don't be too concerned, ma. If I really do have a heart condition...' my mother cuts me off in mid-thought.
'Don't be like that Nilliam. Let's just hope it's nothing.'
'But, ma, we must accept that I may have a heart condition. We don't have any control over it, do we?' I stated.
'Yes, but right now I don't want to think about it in that way.'
'I know, ma, but it's easier to accept it sooner rather than later.'
As I get up from my chair, I wrap my arms around my mother and hug her from behind while she is still sitting.
I hugged her and told her, 'I'll be fine, ma.'
'I know, I know,' she says, patting my hands and arms. 'Are you not concerned?' She inquired.
'I am, but we have no control over it.'
I understand that my mother is concerned about my health, but I simply believe that accepting the possibility that I have a heart condition is easier at this point. If I think positively, I don't want to think about it in the wrong way. I want my mother to accept the reality of the situation while I'm comforting her. I want her to know that no matter what happens, we will all work together to get through this.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We arrived at the airport at ten o'clock in the morning and proceeded to the hotel where we would be staying for three days. The back of my neck is getting burned because it's so hot outside. I had no idea Manila could be so sweltering. I didn't notice a breath of fresh air while we were walking outside earlier. There were no trees to provide shade in the area; instead, there were only tall buildings. I don't think I'll be able to stay in the city for a long time. My body is looking for the elements that I've always seen on the island. All of these things come to mind: the sea, the trees, the flowers, the fresh air, the grasses, and the shades. It's everything I'm looking for.
I could feel the icy air conditioning blasting through my body as soon as we walked into the hotel.
'Don't you think this is unhealthy?' I asked my mother this question as we got closer to the hotel lobby.
'What isn't healthy?' she queried.
'We came out into the hot sun, and then we found ourselves in a freezing cold hotel. My back is still sweating,' I explain, 'and it will be dried by the air conditioner later.'
My mother just gave me laughs and chuckles.
'Wait, what's funny?' I asked as I continued to stare at my mother, who was still giggling.
'You appear stressed,' she observed. 'Relax and take a deep breath.'
'I just noticed it.'
'I know. You're not used to it, but this is how things work in the city.' As my mother explained.
'Right. I'm not sure I can live here.'
'Ha!' muttered my mother. 'You were joking last night about staying here for a month,' she said.
'That's why it was just a joke, ma,' I explained.
As we fall in line, we both laugh. After a few minutes, the lady in the lobby approaches and speaks with us. We'll then proceed to our room for a while.
I'm just completely worn out.
We finally make it to our room, and the door swings open. The room is entirely white. Everything is in its proper place, including the pillows and blankets on the bed, which are perfectly arranged. Because the white curtains were drawn, I couldn't see anything but THE ROOM when I looked around. I arranged our belongings on the table before walking over to the window and opening it. But I believe it's a lock. My mother saw me doing it.
'You are not allowed to open that.'
'Why?' I ask. 'This room needs to be ventilated.'
'Don't be ridiculous, Nilliam. You are not on the island.'
'But, why?'
'This room has air conditioning. People in cities don't need fresh air because they have this technology. It's more practical.'
'Does that sound right? All right, then.'
I'm confused as to how city dwellers manage to live in this manner. Nothing to see but tall buildings and cement walls, with no trees or wind to break up the monotony. How uncomfortably unpleasant.
'So, while we're here, clean up, eat, and take a break. We'll be at the hospital the next day. We still haven't set up an appointment with the doctor.' My mother is starting to be a mother now. 'I'm going to call a friend,' she continued.
'All right, ma.'
We then spent the rest of the day in our room. During this time, I wrote and read a lot of books. My mother was preoccupied with contacting those who would assist us in the hospital. Our day was a success; at the very least, nothing bad happened to us, other than the food being too salty.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"I was in the elevator, on my way to the fourth floor to see my mother in the doctor's office. In the elevator, I happened to notice this young lady. She stood there quietly, earphones in her ears, listening to music. I was also actually listening to music at the time. Because I wasn't feeling well at the time, I didn't pay attention to what was going on around me, so I was just there, standing while waiting to get to the floor where I needed to go. Then there's this careless nurse who walks into the elevator as soon as the door opens, carrying a patient on a stretcher, and startles the lady in front of me. She unintentionally stepped on my foot, and I saw her about to fall to the floor, so I tried to help her and catch her. I was unable to succeed. This is something I didn't expect to happen because I was completely out of my mind when I grabbed the wire of her earphones by accident. Her hand becomes entangled in the wires of my earphones, and we both fall to the ground at the same time. I'm completely embarrassed, and I couldn't even look at the lady because of it. Our earphones became disconnected from our phones. The fact that we were both listening to the same song completely surprised me. 'This is extremely embarrassing!' I thought to myself at that point. I jumped out of the elevator as quickly as I could without looking back."
I take a break from writing in my notebook to think about what just happened.
Afterward, I think to myself, 'Wow, that was really funny.'
I'm curious what she thinks of me now that we're listening to the same song she heard. I had a tracing of a smile on my face.
I avoided looking at the lady's face earlier because I was too embarrassed. I'm not going to deny that it was a very strange encounter.
As I lie in my bed, I paint a smile on my face.