It's a Sunday morning, and I'm a little jittery, with my heart pounding in my chest. I'm not sure if I had a good night's sleep or if I was just lying in bed with my eyes closed, but my senses are still active. This is not a good sign. Arine does not have the right to dictate my daily routine just because I believe I have feelings for her. I'm still not sure what I want to do. All I know is that everything I showed her was genuine, including the feelings I shared with her, and that I have no control over her decision to choose another man over me. That is the way it is. Some people prefer oranges to apples, while others prefer peaches.
I exit my room and go to the living room. My mother was folding the clothes she had just washed when I noticed her.
'What are you up so early?'
'It's Sunday,' Mom said while folding the laundry.
'I'm no longer sleepy, and I'd like to go to the beach.' I replied.
'What's the problem? You know you can tell me.', said mom, looking concerned.
'What do you mean problem, ma? I don't have.'
'Then, why would you go to the sea?' she reasoned.
'Just... there's no reason. I just want to do is write something down there.'
'When something bothers you, you go to the sea.'
My mom is correct. I can't deny anything when I'm in front of her. She only needs to look at me to realize that something is bothering me. I just don't know how I'm going to keep things hidden. Those around me are always aware of my actions and emotions. I'm not sure how to keep my emotions in check, so people can tell when I'm down. This could be why Arine is avoiding me at the moment. She has noticed that I am overly emotional about certain issues. This annoys me.
'It's fine. You can tell me anything at any time.' She smiled as she looked at me. 'Come here and give me a hug,' she added.
I move closer to my mother's side and take a seat next to her so she can give me a warm hug.
'Thank you, ma,' I say as I hug her.
'Now go, eat your breakfast. I already had mine.' She continues to fold our clothes.
I consider myself extremely lucky to have such a mother. When we don't understand each other, she is always the first to try to understand me, no matter how difficult the situation is. She's the one who always manages to strike a deal. I understand that she can be overly protective at times, but she is my mother, and she would never allow anything to happen that could harm me.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"The weather is unusually nice today, which is the polar opposite of how I'm feeling right now. My emotions seem to be carried away by the small waves lapping against the shore as I listen to them. I'm just baffled as to how a single incident last night could have caused me to feel this way, especially since I don't know what's causing my sadness. I could tell myself that she has already entered my heart, but I could also argue that I am the only one who thinks this way because I am aware that I am an emotional person by nature. And, while this may appear normal to most people, I don't think this is a side of myself I'd ever accept. I just think it's too much for a person to be able to feel emotions as powerful as a typhoon, and the worst part is that I have no idea how to control my feelings. Last night, as I lay in bed, my heart was breaking from within. Every time I feel my chest, it's as if I'm experiencing my heartbreak from the inside literally. It felt like it was being sliced in half with a knife, and I remember every detail of it, right down to the last drop of bloodshed. That's how dramatic it was, and I can still feel the wounds on the inside of my body. If that's how I describe it, why am I still alive? I'm just f*cking way too much."
As I continue to write in my notebook, the wind blows around me, and the sun slowly rises above me. This silence is exactly what I need right now to help me understand every detail of myself at this precise moment. I just wish Arine was here to keep things in balance.
'I wonder what she's thinking right now,' I thought quietly to myself.
I went to the shore, leaving my notebook and pen on top of the rocks I was sitting on. I enjoy soaking my bare feet in the sea and feeling the sands beneath the water's surface.
'Is she thinking about me?' As I looked down at my soaked feet in the water, I wondered.
Have you ever felt this kind of motion when you're standing on your naked feet in the seawater, making no other movements, and then looking around, it's almost as if you're floating? What's really going on is that the small waves give the impression that you're moving and being carried along by the current of water. It felt strange at first, but it eventually amused me. For a while, I felt like I belonged in the sea.
As I continue to enjoy the water, it feels as if someone is calling my name from behind me. My ears tingle as soon as I hear that familiar soft voice. It sounds exactly like Arine's voice.
'That's impossible,' I said. 'I'm hearing her because I'm thinking about her in my head.'
But then I heard it again. So I turned around to find someone standing there. I couldn't see her because she was so far away from me.
'Who exactly is that? Is that my mother?' I inquire as I turn my gaze to the person who has called my name.
'Nilliam!', she yelled again.
I walk closer to her because she is also moving in the same direction as me. As we get closer, I'm getting clearer visions, and it's definitely Arine. 'What exactly is she doing here? Is this a dream? What in the world is going on?'
'What are you doing here?' I asked. I'm still thinking about why she's here right now.
Before answering my question, she took a few deep breaths.
'Why are you writing in such a far place?' She responded with a question.
Her face looked red right now. I don't know if she's blushing or it's just because of the sunlight.
'It's not far; you just don't come here very often.' In the affirmative, I replied. 'What are you doing here again?' I tacked on.
'I went to your house first, and your mother told me you were here, so I followed you.'
'Yeah, but what brings you here?'
'I'm not sure. I just feel compelled to apologize to you.' She stopped for a moment then added, 'I'm sorry.'
'Sorry for what?' I'm a bit confused why she's being sorry to me.
Her lovely silky hair is being blown about by the wind, which smells so good as I can smell it, and her face still looks red. I kind of thought, why didn't I bring an umbrella with me. But, I'm also not aware she would be here.
'I guess for yesterday,' she said, brushing her hair away from her face.
'Aahh, you left me in the library?' I laughed sarcastically. 'It's okay.'
'Yeah, I'm sorry.'
I begin walking towards the shore and the rocks, where I had previously placed my notebook and pen. The sun still continues to give its heat to the surrounding.
'Hey, Nilliam,' she said as she followed me.
'It was fine, Arine; I just assumed you were busy with something.' I'm still on the move, making my way toward the rocks.
She grabs both of my arms and pulls me to a halt. As I looked down, I could see my reflection on the water.
'Please... I'm really sorry. I just don't know how to deal with you after what happened the last time. I simply...'
'Why? What exactly is the problem? Did I do something?' I can feel the tension between us building in my bones.
'Nooo. It's not what you think,' she says.
'Then what's wrong?' I look her in the eyes and see the hesitations she is feeling right now.
'I-I'm sorry... I... I don't...'
She stutters her words as she apologizes for not knowing what to say. But I know what she really wants to say.
'Okay. Now I understand. You don't have to say it anymore.'
To get away from here, I grab my pen and notebook and start to walk away. This thing that's going on right now is causing my heart to bursting into something I don't want to do.
'Hey, hey! Nilliam! What the hell is wrong with you?' Her voice had raised slightly, and she appeared irritated.
'What's wrong with me? I don't know. You tell me Arine, what's wrong with me?'
Then I turn around and start walking again away from her, but she grabs my arm one more time, preventing me from going any further.
'I know you're upset because I forgot about you in the library and didn't tell you before I left.'
Oh, my word! Is that what she's sorry for? Okay.
'I'm out here,' says the irritated me. I continued walking, avoiding her eyes.
'Where are you going? Let's talk about it, Nilliam!'
I turn around again, and this time I'm certain I won't be able to keep my cool for much longer.
'Stop giving me reasons to be hopeful! Stop hinting that there might be an "us" in the picture! 'Stop messing with my emotions!' My heart is pounding in my chest.
When I told her, she looked really surprised. She appears confused at the same time, and suddenly her eyes well up with tears.
'I like you, Arine. I liked you the first time you locked your gaze on me. I thought... but... forget it. This is bullsh*t!'
As a result of how I'm feeling right now, I can feel my entire body trembling.
'Nilliam...' she started to say. I notice she is crying when I look at her.
'So, please don't be like that. Stop...'
Instead of continuing what I was saying, I simply walked away from the scene. Arine was crying when I left her, and I know I can't go on like this. I'm just so angry and frustrated with her right now that I don't want to deal with her.
What exactly is wrong with me? I've only been talking to Arine just for a few weeks, so why am I acting so strangely? What is it that makes me feel this way? I haven't spent all of my time with her; in fact, I'm still getting to know her. But why? The moment I saw the guy last night, I was filled with a sense of betrayal. This is a feeling I really hate. I don't like this. And what was that reaction? What was the cause of her sobs? Why can't she tell me straight up that she doesn't like me and is already dating someone else? She shouldn't be able to enter my own little world and start causing such a commotion inside of me. I went there to clear my mind and figure out why I was acting so strangely, but she completely ruined everything. I wanted to distance myself from her slowly because I know I have no hope for her and that she will never like me. AND IT'S OKAY WITH ME IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME IN RETURN. I completely understand that. This is driving me insane, and I'm not sure what to do about it.