I am startled awake by the sound of my heart pounding. I'm looking forward to going to school and speaking to Arine. As I remembered her, I couldn't stop smiling. Do I sound insane? I think I'm on my way to becoming one. Before heading to school, I quickly get everything ready for school, eat breakfast, and change into my uniform.
'I'm will go to school now, ma. Please eat your lunch, okay?' I reminded my mom.
'Don't worry, my son.' Mom responded, who is preparing the books I sorted the night before for donation to the church.
'Bye, ma.' I say as I kiss her on the cheek and walk away to the door.
My heart was suddenly pierced. I clench my fists as if something is squeezing inside of my heart. Mom noticed and came running over to me.
'Nilliam? What's wrong?' Mom asked being concerned.
'I-I don't know,' I admitted. 'My heart started hurting all of a sudden,' I added.
'Come, sit here for a while,' she said as she drew me into our sofa. 'I'll go get you some water,' she added.
What's wrong with my heart? It just abruptly ended the excitement I was feeling.
'Drink this,' Mom handed me with a glass of warm water. 'We need to see the doctor again. I can't stand by and watch you suffer like this.'
'Do you think there's something wrong with my heart?' I asked my mom.
'We'd better make sure of that,' she said, kissing my cheek and adding, 'I'll bring you to Manila this time.'
'Manila? That's quite a distance. You dislike traveling.'
'It doesn't matter; what matters is your health, okay? How do you feel right now?' she asked as she kissed me on the cheek.
'It's no longer painful. I think I'm fine.' I replied to my mother with a smile.
'Why don't you stay at home today, and I'll come to your school after church?' she suggested. Mom is worried about me right now.
'I'm fine now, ma. I'm certain of it. Don't be so worried.' I assure my mother that everything is fine now.
'Are you sure?'
'Yes, ma, I'm fine now.'
I'm not making this up. I'm really fine now. The ache has gone away, and I'm looking forward to going back to school. But I'm still confused as to why my heart ached so suddenly a moment ago. Is it possible that I have a heart problem? I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have any. Please. I want to give my mother the best life possible, and I can only do that if I continue to live my life without any concern for my own health.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I arrived at school hoping to see Arine, but the bell rang, and I proceeded to my classroom. Vic, a friend of mine, noticed me walking around campus.
'Hey, do you want to hang out after school with us?' Vic asked, his face brightening with a smile.
'You look happy,' I remarked, 'What's after school?'
'We'll have a small gathering at the beach, build a bonfire, drink, and do other things,' he said.
'What is it all about?'
'We're just getting together for no particular reason. You should come, all right?' Vic stated as he looked down at his wristwatch. 'Let's go inside now.'
I noticed Arine, who had just arrived from home, as we were about to enter the classroom.
'Arine!' I addressed her by name.
She was walking so fast that she didn't notice me.
'Arine,' I called again, but she turned the other way.
'Who's that?' asked Vic.
'Nothing,' I said. 'Just a friend.'
Did she not hear me call her name? I thought to myself.
'Okay, then let's go. You can talk to her later.'
We walk into the classroom. Arine is still in my thoughts. Is she all right? Did something happen in their house again? If that's the case, I hope I'm able to console her. I'm hoping we can talk after class and she will be more open to me this time.
'Just trust me, Arine,' I whispered to myself.
Vic, who was sitting next to me, heard it and said, 'Are you thinking about that girl?'
Our professor is still not present, so we can talk for a few minutes longer.
'I'm not thinking about her,' I replied.
'You're too obvious, you know,' he chuckled. 'What's her name again?' he inquired.
'Arine,' I responded.
'Have you heard of her?'
'Nope. You know that I don't care most about people.'
Right. Vic is unconcerned about his surroundings. He is entirely focused on his studies. Despite the fact that he knows many people at our school, he views them as rivals, and I'm the only one who understands that side of him. He, on the other hand, enjoys social gatherings, celebrations, and other events. His actions contradict his personality.
'How did you meet her?' he inquired once more.
'I thought you didn't care about people?'
'Except for you,' he said, before adding, 'So, do you really like her?'
'What exactly do you mean by that?' I gave Vic a scowl.
'I mean, you've never liked anyone and haven't had a girlfriend in a long time.' He elaborated.
'You're right, I'm not sure, but I keep thinking about her,' I stated. 'Is that normal?'
'Do you think that way about me?'
'What? No!' I exclaimed, and he laughed.
'That, my friend, is not normal.' He replied while still smiling at me.
Is that right? Do I genuinely like Arine? I'm not sure, but I like being around her. I enjoy being in her company. I look forward to seeing her every day. I like it when she smiles because it makes me happy.
'So, what should I do?' I asked Vic a question.
'Tell her you like her,' he honestly said.
'But, I'm not sure if what I'm feeling right now is the "like" you're talking about.'
I frowned at him as he replied, 'Idiot.'
'Why?' I'm confused.
'When you ask yourself if you like someone, that is a sign that you do,' he explained. 'Why would you ask if it's just nothing?' He went on.
I stood up and clapped my hands.
'Brilliant!' As previously stated. 'I'm blown away, Vic.' But in a sarcastic tone, I added.
'Thank you, thank you,' he said sarcastically, 'Now sit,' Vic added.
We both laughed at each other, and then our professor walked into the room.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Our last class is over, and I'm on my way to find Arine when I notice her reading a book in the library. As I moved closer to the desk she was using, I approached her.
I whispered, 'Hey.'
When she looked at me, she said nothing.
'Are you busy right now?' I asked Arine.
She didn't say anything, but she did look at me and show me the book she was reading to let me know she was doing something.
'OK, fine. I'm just going to sit outside and wait.' I felt awkward, so I exited the library.
I have a strong feeling that something is wrong. She appears to be trying to avoid me. What happened? So I wait for her on a bench outside the library.
I told myself, 'I'll write while I wait for Arine.'
I get my journal out of my bag and...
'Oh, shoot! I forgot to bring my journal.' I'm a little annoyed.
I reached into my bag for another notebook.
'I'll just transfer this later.'
April 13th, 2019
As I mentioned in my journal last night, I awoke with a very happy heart, as a result of what happened to me that day. Arine is responsible for everything. I never expected to feel this way, and I've never felt such a different emotion in my heart. You are well aware of how I react to almost everything around me, as well as the fact that this emotion is new to me. It's not the same as seeing flowers in the garden or ants freely crawling on the trees; those things can make me feel something, but Arine is different. Is this an indication that I have feelings for her? Should I trust Vic and tell Arine I like her?
I put my pen down and stop writing.
'Do I have to tell Arine right now?' I grumbled to myself.
I became concerned when I considered that possibility.
'However, what if she thinks it's too soon? What if she thinks I took advantage of her?' I wonder. I don't want to sever the bond we're developing. I don't want to put any pressure on her, especially since I know she is going through a difficult time at home. And, no, she hasn't mentioned anything about it to me. Perhaps I should hold off a little longer. I don't think it's appropriate to tell her about my feelings right now.'
I continue to write in my notebook, smiling and giggling as I describe how I felt with Arine. I lost track of time because I was having so much fun writing outside the library that I stayed for nearly two hours. I'll go back to the library to see how Arine is doing.
I haven't seen anyone in there, and the library is empty. I went to Arine's previous desk, but she was no longer there.
'Where did she go?'
I've searched every aisle of the library and still haven't found her. I stepped outside the library, but I didn't see her.
'Did she return home already?' That saddened me. 'Maybe she didn't hear what I was saying earlier,' I reasoned. I just sigh and make my way back outside to go home.
I saw Arine was standing across the street as I approached the school's front gate. She appears to be waiting for someone. I'm taken aback by what I see on the other side of the street as I cross the street to approach her. A student from another school approached her and took the bag she was holding. The student places his arm around Arine's shoulders and they begin to walk. I quickly turned away and walked away from the situation.
'Who's he?' I was talking to myself.
Then I came to a halt and felt a sharp pain in my chest. That is painful. It's really painful.
'How come I didn't bring it up with her first? Yes, there's a chance she's seeing someone, right?'
That is one of the things I despise about myself. I was so taken aback by her emotional attachment to me that I didn't even consider it.
I keep walking down the street, my mind reeling from what I had just witnessed. It's still bothering me.
'How come she kissed me that day? Why did she do that if she's already seeing someone?'
At this point, I don't know what to do. Why am I also hurting in this way? So, does this truly mean that I have really feelings for Arine?
I was still thinking about Arine and the guy she had been seeing earlier as I lay in my bed. I'm aware that I'm not the type of person that people easily like because I'm weird and take everything so seriously. I'm a little disappointed in Arine because I'm starting to feel a connection with her, but why do I feel betrayed by her? Or am I the only one who thinks so? Who made such irrational assumptions about the possibility of something happening between us? Is this how things usually go? Is this something I should try to improve in myself? Is this something I should be worried about when dealing with others? Is it possible that I was simply taken aback by her presence and my fascination with her? If that were the case, how would I know how I truly felt about someone the next time we met? I have so many emotions inside of me; how come I can't decide which one is the right one?