I came home from the lake feeling bad for Nilliam. I'm not sure, and I'm not sure why, while kissing him, I suddenly felt like everything was wrong. I felt as if something whispered to my ears, 'Audria, you're a loser, you don't deserve anything,' and I couldn't stop it, so I had to, and then I realized I'm a real loser who doesn't deserve anything in this world. I'm really sorry, Nilliam. That, I suppose, is the end of the beginning.
As I'm lying in my bed, Mom knocks on the door and calls my name.
'Audria, please come out to the living room.'
'What is it this time?', as I question my mom inside my head.
So I exit my room and proceed to the living room. My father was sitting on the sofa, as was my mother. What did I do now?
'What?' I asked as I look at them, sitting on the sofa.
'Your school called today and told me you skipped your classes,' my father says in a dictatorial tone that makes my ears tingle.
'Yes,' I replied.
'Where did you go?' he asked.
I replied, 'Just... somewhere.'
'Where?'
'I'm not sure what they call that place.'
'How come you skipped classes?'
I didn't answer his question. I am deafeningly silent, my gaze fixed on the floor.
'Audria, answer your dad. Don't be such a b*tch!' my wonderful mother exclaimed.
'Why.did.you.skip.your.classes?' Dad's tone of voice is becoming tense. I could tell he was in a lot of anger by the tone of his voice.
'Does it really matter?' I responded. 'Do I even matter to you?' I asked.
'What did you say?!' He exclaimed. 'Say that again?'
'Do you really mind if I fail my classes?' I asked, looking them in the eyes.
Dad rose from the sofa seat. He comes up to me and looks at me angrily.
'Of course, you're concerned, aren't you? You're worried about what your friends think of you. You want me to act properly because you're worried about what they'll say about the two of you, but you're never concerned about me. You don't care about me as long as your friends think well of you.' As long as you are the best parents on the planet and you...'
And only that. My father slapped me. What a wonderful night I've had. Right?
'How dare you speak to us like that? You, an ungrateful whore, skipped her classes in order to hang out with a jerk. What's his name?
Ha! I can't believe it. Even though, they know about it? Did they hire someone to follow me?
'Wow!' I exclaimed, followed by a chuckle. I, too, wanted to burst out laughing.
'What's funny?' Dad really looks annoyed.
'You're both funny,' I answered. I kept grinning at them.
'Hmm...' He moved closer to my face, looked me in the eyes, and said, 'I would kill that boy just to keep you from seeing him.' 'I guarantee you that.' He then turns and walks away from me.
'Why don't you just kill me?' I said this while smiling at him. 'Or maybe I can do it for you.' I tacked on.
As he walked away from me, he said, 'Then we'll be happier than ever.'
As I previously stated, they are the best parents in the world. They adore me to the point where their words will live on in my mind and heart. It ripped a hole in my heart, and I doubt I'll ever forget those words. I just hope they mean it when they say hurtful things to me because if they don't, they won't stand by their words. That's worse than telling me the truth.
I've been in this situation for a long time, but I sometimes think it's a blessing in disguise because all of the chaos in the house distracts me from the other pain I'm feeling inside. I forget about the joint pain and dizziness when I go to school or even when I'm at home. I forget that I will die soon as a result of my condition. My parents are still to thank for diverting my attention. After all, I believe the rest of the world is still thinking of me.
~ ~ ~
I have a weekly checkup at the hospital today. I enjoy going to the hospital because I believe it is my only way to get away from everything that is going on in the world. I feel like I'm in a kid's playground when I'm here, running around and meeting friends who understand who I am. I don't have to put on a mask or pretend that everything is fine here. When I'm sad, I can cry; when I'm happy, I can truly laugh. I sometimes wonder if I should just stay here and never go home. What if I just stayed in the hospital and surrounded myself with people who genuinely care about me? In fact, even though I am not feeling anything at this time in my life, the cries of the patients here allow me to hear their hearts and, as a result, I feel something because I understand their pain and situations. When I'm not in this place, I don't feel anything and for the most reason is that no one really tries to understand what I say.
'Good morning, Audria,' said my doctor. 'How are you feeling today?' She went on.
'I don't think I'm fine,' I admitted, 'but today is better than yesterday.'
'That's reassuring. Could you please tell me about what happened yesterday?' She smiled at me warmly.
'No, I just had a fight with my parents,' she says.
'Did you do something bad or wrong?'
'Maybe? But, doc, is that really always the case?'
'What do you mean?'
'You become enraged right away because you have been wronged? Is that right?'
'Basically, they'd react to defend their position because they believe what you did was wrong. Don't you feel the same way when you're wronged?'
'I never had the chance to be angry,' I explained. 'I haven't yelled at anyone just because they have done something wrong to me.'
'Never, not even once? What do you do when you're angry?'
'What is anger, anyway?'
'It's when you feel the rage inside of you and want to scream, especially if you've been wronged.'
'But that's not how I feel,' I replied.
'How do you feel?'
'Whenever someone did something wrong to me, I would always wonder, 'Why did he or she do that?' Instead of doing or saying anything to them, I would mostly blame myself. I believe they did those things to me because of me, too.'
'Audria, listen to me. Not everyone wants you to suffer or hurt you. Some people simply do not understand one another, which is why communication is so important. They will never understand if you address yourself incorrectly and allow them to think whatever they want about you.'
'But, it's exhausting. Trying to explain exhausts me. It's easier for me to do nothing because focusing on them causes me to lose my peace.'
'Someday, someone will meet everything about you. Someone that will understand the best part of yours and especially your flaws,' she said seriously.
I gave my doctor a smile. I always thank her for being such considerate to everything I share with her.
After leaving the hospital, I went straight to school. Actually, I'm not looking forward to going to school right now because I don't want to see Nilliam. I'm not sure what to say to him if I see him today. Should I skip my classes again?
I walked through the gate after parking my car. I walk quickly, assuming Nilliam is waiting for me somewhere. Please. I'm not interested in seeing him right now. I take a look around, and sure enough, Nilliam is nearby. So I dash to the restroom to do something. No. Actually, all I want to do is run away. I really look like an idiot right now. What exactly am I up to?
Indeed. When I look in the mirror, I do really look stupid.
'My hair is longer now. Should I cut it?' As I looked in the mirror as I speak to myself.
Gean then came out of one of the restrooms stalls.
'Good morning, ACinderella, and nice to see you again.' She smiled back at me.
I'm just staring at her.
'Where are the photos? I heard you went to their house.' She burst out laughing.
Who told her this time? Is it possible that these people have planted cameras on me in order to monitor everything I do? What the f*ck, people!
'I'll send it later,' I replied.
'I need it right away.'
'Later in the classroom,' I explain.
'All right, let's go now. I'd like to see my lovely Nilliam,' she says.
Lovely Nilliam? Seriously, Gean. But, to be honest, I only kissed him yesterday. That's regrettable. Oh, I totally forgot about it. Thank you very much, Dad.
'Do you like Nilliam?' I asked Gean.
'Girl, I don't like him; I love him. He's my husband,' she replied.
She's totally delusory. Gean is undeniably beautiful, but she can be a little too confident at times.
'Why?'
'What do you mean 'why'?' She yelled a bit. 'Can't you see how lovely he is?'
I sort of agree with that, but not entirely. He's a nice guy, but he's a jerk as well.
'Are you familiar with Harry Styles?' I asked Gean. 'He's the most perfect person for me.'
'Harry Styles is gay,' she said.
Is this really coming from you, Gean? I rolled my eyes.
'What difference does it make?' I replied.
'Who are you to like Harry Styles?'
'Who are you to like Nilliam?' I asked once more.
'Oh gosh! I'm his wife...' WHAT? 'Wait a second.' She comes to a halt and looks me in the eyes.
'What?' I'm a bit confused about her reaction.
'Oh, my God! 'Do you like Nilliam?' She elaborated.
Gean, you'd better come to a halt right now, my dear. I'm not even sure how to feel about myself.
'What if that's true?'
'Then we can share with him,' she joked. 'So you like him a lot?' she went on.
'Share?' I reminded her that she wasn't Gean.
'Why? I know I'm a jerk to you, but when it comes to boys, I'm willing to share them with anyone, especially you.'
'That's new,' I commented.
'But, allow me to have him first, okay?' She burst out laughing.
'You're insane,' I said.
Then we leave the restroom and were surprised! Nilliam was patiently waiting for us to leave.
'Hello, Audria,' he said, smiling at me.
'Oh my gosh, Nilliam! How are you, my dear?' Gean walks in front of me and takes Nilliam's hand in hers. 'Are you leaving right now?' She went on.
I walk away from there without saying anything because I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HIM and I just want to get to class.
'Audria,' he says, grabbing my arm.
I turn around to look at him.
'Can we talk?' he asked.
Please, ring the bell now. I'm sorry for Nilliam, but I'm not in the mood to speak with you right now.
'I have to get to class right now.'
'Just a moment, Audria.'
'Nill...' I mutter something. 'Let's talk after school.' I stated.
'Alright. I'll wait for you in the garden.'
I returned his smile, but Gean stepped in again.
'Girl! What exactly was that? Are you hiding something from me?'
'What? We just talk.'
'Talk? That does not appear to be "just" talking to him. 'You betrayed me,' she cried those words from her mouth.
'Are you crazy?'
'Yes, I'm crazy. Fine, choose Nilliam over me!'
What's going on with her? She's just as stupid as I am. Gean just walked away from me and continue to walk to the classroom.
'Gean! Gean!'
To be honest, this is extremely annoying. I despise this situation. Gean is doing something similar to what I did to her.
I know I'm being a jerk by doing that to Nilliam, but I think it's the best I can do for the time being because, after all, if that's what he's thinking right now, we could be a thing. All I want is for him to be free to feel whatever he wants towards me, but I'm afraid I don't think I'll be able to return it. If he is looking for something in return. We should stop conversing with one another.