"YOUJIN."
I jerked back when I felt something cold pierced my left cheek followed by a giggle from the guy who called my name. I gave him a look.
"What is it, Misao?"
He took the spot on the bench beside me and offered me a stuff wrapped in a familiar packaging. I took it from his hand.
Ice cream sandwich.
"Thank you." I opened the wrapper and took a full bite on the sandwich. The cold ice cream melted in my mouth in an instant. Then it hit me. "Ah. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in class right?"
I know because I'm waiting for Keita to finish that class.
"I took a day off." He answered in a monotone.
"Why?"
He looked at me then he gave me a big reassuring smile but his eyes showed sorrow. Somehow I could also feel his sadness as if I have an idea on what it was about.
"You're doing your absolute best Misao." I patted his broad shoulder. "I have nothing else to wish for but your happiness."
He grabbed my hand. "I didn't came here to be consoled, Youjin."
I paused and gave him a puzzled look.
He sighed. "Is there something bothering you about Keita?"
His question surprised me. "Can you tell, Misao?"
He let go of my hand. "Lately, you've been lost in your own thought and every time I see you with Keita, you looked confused or bothered. It seemed like you wanted to tell Keita something but you couldn't."
My jaw dropped after hearing what he said. I'm amused and confused at the same time, I just burst out laughing. Misao watched me as if I've gone crazy.
"Am I wrong?"
I waved my hand as I calm myself. "No. You really do notice a lot, Misao. I was just… amazed."
I collected my thoughts as I silently finished the sandwich I was eating. He gave me the solitude I needed.
"Ever since Keita and I got together, he never attempted to be intimate with me even once. Compared to the time that we're 'just friends', his kisses were a lot more passionate, and you know…" I shrugged. "Now, He won't make a move on me anymore. That's why I can't help but be anxious and I feel like he no longer want me the way he wanted me before, in terms of being intimate I mean. I'm scared that, I don't know… he realized that he can't do it with a guy."
"Have you talked to him about that?"
I shook my head. "I can't bring myself to ask him about this. I'm just scared."
"Youjin, I know how hard it was for the both of you to be in this relationship. Is it the time to be scared?"
"Right… You're right."
***
IT WAS ALWAYS— ALWAYS— HIS KISSES THAT DRAG ME MORE INTO HIM. The way his soft lips nimble mine as if it's some rare delicacy. His warm tongue evading and then searching and tasting every corners of my mouth while playing and caressing with mine. We were always—always—out of breath. Gasping for air just for a split second then our lips are back together as if they are magnets that automatically attract the other. Like we just can never get enough with each other.
That's what I wanted to believe in. At the very least.
His kisses eventually traced down to my neck, sucking, licking, biting my sensitive spots. I could feel his hot breath. And his desire. I moaned with mine.
I reached to feel his crotch, his member was hard and throbbing as if pleading for it to be released from his tight jeans. In between our kisses, moans and gasps I unbuttoned his jeans and pulled down his zipper.
I want him now. That's what I thought.
He abruptly stopped kissing me and grabbed my hand. He stood up and zipped his pants again. I was too dumbfounded to even sit.
Suddenly, it occurred to me how it was always like this in the past. He doesn't want me touching him. But why Keita?
Tears were welling up in my eyes as I rack my brain with questions I couldn't even give an answer to, even a simple maybe. I covered my eyes with my arms; I don't want him to see me crying.
"Youjin?" His voice was full of concern. I felt the side of the bed pressed down and then a soft caress on my cheek. "What's wrong?"
'What's wrong?'
I shoved his hand away as anger rushed through my body. It came out too strong and we were both shocked. But my anger and frustration won over anything else.
"Do you despise it when I touch you? Do you feel disgusted? Do you actually hate it when a guy touches you? It's always like this, Keita. You immediately stop when we're getting intimate.
"Youjin, wait—"
"If you can't have sex with me, then you don't have to force yourself to stay with me!"
I stood up and picked up my things. Then I ran, away from him.
"Youjin, wait!" He grabbed my hand, confusion, pain and anger drawing on his face all at once.
"I will stay at Eisuke's apartment tonight!"
I yanked my hand away from him. And left him sitting there, defeated.
***
"So Youjin, what's the reason you want to spend the night here?"
"I told you, I missed you." I smiled at Eisuke but he was looking at me with suspecting eyes.
"I'm not buying that."
He was lying on his bed playing with his phone when I plump myself beside him and curled closer to his side, hiding my face with his shirt.
"I miss you Eisuke…" I breathe.
Ever since Keita and I became a couple, the time I spent hanging out with Eisuke lessened. We used to spend nights like this together and I really do miss him, my best friend.
I felt his hand gently ruffled my hair as if I was a lost and weak puppy then I heard him chuckled next. "Seriously Youjin, what's wrong?"
He smells of citrus and mint the kind of gentle scent from his shampoo, I know because I smell the same right now.
"Keita doesn't want to do 'it' with me." I said without raising a look.
"Huh?!"
"He always stops when I try to touch him. I feel like he can't…" I tugged his shirt more to my face in a desperate attempt to hide my embarrassment and frustration. "…have sex with me."
"Are you an idiot?"
All of a sudden, my phone rang.
I know who exactly is calling but I am really not in the mood to talk to him. So I reached for my phone and rejected the call. Eisuke raised a brow.
"Why didn't you answer the call? It's Keita, right?"
"I don't want to talk to him …" I pouted like an unreasonable child. Or maybe I really am.
"Youjin…" Eisuke pleaded but it sounded more like a threat.
For the nth time, my phone rang once again. I was about to push the reject button when Eisuke snatched it from my hand and pressed the answer button then turned the speaker on.
"Youjin?! Where are you?!"
"Keita, you're still fucking over my bestfriend? Really, even now?!"
"Eisuke?! Give back the phone to Youjin, I want to talk to him." Keita's voice from the line sure do sounds worried and a bit upset. There was also a trace of anger.
"Pick him up within 30 minutes or else I will do what you can't do for him."
"What do you mean? Eisuke!"
"See ya!" Then he ended the call just like that.
"Why would you do that?"
He chuckled under his breath with obvious annoyance. "Keita's place is pretty far from here so it will take a great deal of effort and luck to get here in 30 minutes but it's not entirely impossible. And admit it, Youjin, you also want to see what will he do…"
I swallowed a lump in my throat because he's right. "What if he won't get here on time?"
"Then, I meant what I said." His lips curled into a broad and innocent smile.
<< stalemate extra chapter 1 (part 1) / end >>