Lucy Xiao
I feel gloomy after my parents told me about the dates. I'm confused about should I continue as we plan, or should I just call it off? I go to the kitchen to make myself a cup of chamomile tea to help me relax.
Ding…
The sound of my phone notification shows one text from someone I truly care. Yes – I already have a boyfriend, or should I call him my secret boyfriend that I never tell anyone about him before. He is the reason why I am confused about my situation right now. But his text just broke my heart. I could not believe with what I read on the screen.
'Let's break up.'
I hold my phone as tight as I can, afraid that I might drop it on the floor. I am shocked and my eyes get teary, and without realizing, tears are falling on my cheeks. I still look at his text while crying silently as I don't want to wake my parents up and get up immediately from my chair to the backyard.
I'm walking out to the corridor while dialling his number and try to call him. I walk back and forth waiting for him to answer my call, but he didn't. Seeing him didn't answer the call, I started to overthink things – thinking of the possible things that could happen if I just confront him. But who cares, I thought.
So, I grab my car keys and rush to his place to hear some reasonable answers from him. I drive swiftly to his place, overtaking any other vehicles in front of me while wiping away the tears. And at the same time, I try to call him repeatedly until he answers the phone, but I fail. Seeing the situation is getting worse, I speed up the speed to his place – in furious and confused.
I park roughly in front of his house and bang the car door furiously. I swiftly run to his doorstep and ring the bell and knock many times until he opens the door.
"What are you doing here?" asks Keenan, without wearing a piece of cloth on his body. He looks left and right around his neighbourhood, worried that the scene might wake them up then looks at me angrily. My eyes are still teary, and when I offered myself to come inside his house, he immediately pushes me away.
I look at him in disbelieve that he would do that to me. It is perfect when the rain starts to pour on me, and I can't taste my tears anymore. I stand five feet apart from him, watching him standing stiffly and shuts the door without giving me the explanation on our breakup. I cry even harder under the rain for a few minutes before I decided to drive back home.
On my way back, I've been thinking about all the things that we made together – the bittersweet of us. But where is my fault? What have I done wrong when we're still together? This is unfair, I thought.
***
The next morning, I wake up with a fever and feeling gloomy. So, I inform the school about my sick leave and asking a teacher to fill me in my class. My mom who comes into my room to take some dirty clothes from the bathroom notices I'm having a fever.
"What's wrong with you, Lucy?" She asks worriedly while touching my forehead to check my temperature. It's just what mothers would do when they know about their sick children.
"Nothing, ma. Just a slight fever."
"A slight fever you say! You're burning, Lucy! Get up now. Let's go to the hospital," says my mom while hurriedly get up from the bed and when she's about to walk out from my room, I stop her and bring her next to me. I finally break into tears and wrap myself around her. This is just the comfort that I want to warm my hearts and calm the storm in me.
Apparently, my mom did not refuse my hugs even though she is confused, but still, she returns the hugs, even harder. She strokes my head and let me use her time to let out everything that I feel. After I feel okay, mom leaves me alone in the room to continue her house chores.
I'm feeling drowsy, but I think I need to do something to make myself busy and not thinking about out break up instead of lying on the bed and reminiscing our good old days when we're still a couple. So, I force my body to wake up, tidy the bed and throw away all the tissues full of mucus and walk straight to the bathroom. At the same time, I turn on my favourite music and let it play by itself in the room while I'm having my shower. Perfect, I thought. After shower, I change the genre from opera to soulful and imagining myself as the stars in the music videos of every song that play on my Spotify playlist. I'm doing great, I'll be doing great, I convinced myself while looking at myself on the mirror.
I'm all well-dressed when I walk down the stairs and go to the backyard to greet my parents. Dad, who is reading the newspaper notices how energetic am I that afternoon.
"Where are you going?"
"To the mall. Can't I?" I ask him while blinking my eyes, begging him to say yes. Mom, who is in the backyard plucking the flowers only shake her head. After a few blinking, dad finally agreed. I give them a quick kiss on their cheeks and run to the car.
***
I'm entering the mall with a glimpse of hope to forget him slowly by pampering myself to shop every branded thing that I like. I study the ground floor first to see what I could buy before I start hunting the other floors in the building. Let's start with Pandora, I thought. So, I make my first move into the Pandora store and surveying items that I can buy. But suddenly, I hear a familiar voice coming from the front store. I walk closer to the voice and my eyes are popping out of my head with astonishment when I saw Keenan with another girl. Seeing that, I lower myself behind the salesgirl back and cover my face with my handbag and walk out from the store. That's so close, I thought while letting out a long sigh. When I look back at them, I can see that he's on the cloud nine as I never get those cheerful laughs from him before like how he gives to his new girlfriend.
I turn my head and look down on the floor feeling gloomy again as I decided to walk out from the building. I feel like I want to cry my heart out, but I can't do it. People may think it's too dramatic to cry in front of the crowd just because of a man – no, I should call him a boy not a man as he never acted like a man as far as I know him. For some people, including me, a man should be bold enough to face the world, a person who is willing to let go of the past for the future, and risk everything for the person that he loves and cares. Unlike Keenan, a grumpy and childish guy who always pointing fingers at me every time we argue even though it's his fault. And when the air is clear, he would give me many excuses like he's still trauma with his past relationship just to make he looked innocent.
I sit in the car and the images of Keenan and his girlfriend keeps playing in my mind. I'm pissed off and my hands reacted to my feelings and give the steering a small hit. Suddenly, I remember a secret place that I once went to whenever I feel upset – a place where I finally can find my inner peace. But something unexpected happens, my car won't turn on. I look down on my lap and let out a long exhalation to relax before I get out of the car and call a taxi. So, today is my bad luck huh?
"Can you drive me to Lake Shangrila, please?" I instruct the taxi driver. He frowns at me through the rear-view mirror, thinking of the whereabout of that lake.
"I'm sorry, Miss. But Lake Shangrila is almost an hour from here. Are you sure you want to go there?" he asks me back. I nodded in a second, without thinking further.
"I'll pay as much as you want."
Alongside the road, there's a mesmerizing view of mountains, alpine trees, and river with all kinds of beautiful creatures show up to us – the birds, a family of ducks crossing the road to the lake and even the flowers blooming vividly welcoming me to the lake. I open the window and feel the cold breezy air on my face with sunshine on my face.
"We're here, miss," says the taxi driver, stopping by the side road and I give him an amount of money before he left me there.
"Miss, do you want me to wait for you as you don't bring your car here?" he asks as he is worried to leave me there alone, furthermore, I am a woman who is going to be left alone in the middle of nowhere.
"I'm fine, sir. Thank you!" I give him a smile to make him feel at ease that I'm going to be alright all by myself here. Mr. Taxi drives back to town, and I take 15 minutes- walk into the wood before I reach the lake. As I'm walking inside the wood, I can clearly hear the birds chirping, the rustling sound of the trees swaying right and left as if they are happily welcoming me to the lake. I can see the rabbits and squirrels running around the forest too, and I chuckle as I find it cute. Finally, a breathtaking view of the lake makes me smile 'till my ears. I make a small run to the bank of the lake and open my arms widely while inhaling the cold breezy air. It's been a while, yet the smell of the lake still smells the same to me – peaceful.
From the place I'm standing, I can see the ducks enjoying themselves in the lake and the fishes keep showing up to me, waiting to be feed. I can also see more flowers flourishing at the lake to make the lake looks livelier and more beautiful. The lake looks slightly different now, I thought.
As I'm enjoying the moment, suddenly I heard a car revving to the lake – even closer now. So, I panic and quickly search for a place to hide. Luckily, I'm small and I can hide behind the big tree by the lake. I take a peep from behind the big tree, and I am stunned to see a familiar guy walking calmly to the lake. What is he doing here? How did he know this place? I cross my hands and just study everything that he does. I look at him smiling and looks calm as he opens wide his arms to feel the breeze. Out of sudden, I'm feeling attracted to him and I feel like the universe is calling me to him.
Seeing him standing by the lake, I brave myself to show up to him. Nervous, of course and I don't know why my feet feels so light to walk to him. I must be out of my mind, I thought while shaking my hands lightly.
"What are you doing here?!"
"How did you know this place?!"
I keep asking the ridiculous questions just to make me feels relax even though I know that there's not just me and Joshua know about this hidden gem. He answers me immediately and as I'm not satisfied with his answers, I look sharply in his eyes and thinking of any other excuses to answer him back. My eyes are wandering around the lake to find for any possible answers, but I fail. So, I look down on the ground, pouting my lips with both my hands behind my back – feeling embarrassed. But the situation is getting intense when I notice that he's staring at me. My heart beating fast, my eyes are wandering on the ground – thinking of what I should do now to distract him from keep staring at me.
I look up at him, and he instantaneously look around and turn his back from me. When he turns around, I notice that he keeps touching and rubbing his heart, so I'm worried about him and ask him straightaway what happen. From rubbing his hearts many times to a long sigh, he startles when I ask him.
"Nothing. I got to go. Enjoy the lake alone," he says to me while walking back to his car.
I am left dumbfounded by him at the lake. I am confused about his sudden action towards me. I watch him leaving, hoping that he might look back at me but he's not. Instead, I heard his car engine has been started, probably he's ready to go back to town.
I look back at the mountain that covers the lake, thinking of the things that had happened to me – the broke up, the cheating and that makes me feels blue again. I cross my arms and walking back to the main road. How could he do that to me? What have I done wrong all this time? What did I lack of? Thought I've given him my whole heart, but people can change anytime they want, I guess. All these questions that I have on my mind is a burdensome to me now. It is as if I'm battling with my own thoughts, the thoughts that can kill me inside sometimes. How I wish I knew about his real self-earlier, and maybe could have not been in love with him in the first place if I know that he's going to be my heartbreaker.
As my mind is drifting away somewhere else, I did not notice that Joshua is still here until he horns his car at me. I'm startle of course, and at the same time I feel pissed by his action. So, I ask him what he wants, and he offers me to have a ride back to town. I refused at first, but he insisted so I am given no choice but to ride with him.
The warm music that plays on the radio makes me emotional again. I am drifting away again in my own world – the world of breakup. All the songs are relatable to my current situation and without realizing, I'm breaking down into tears besides Joshua. Every song that plays on the radio and every lyric that's sung by the singer reminds me of Keenan. I wipe my tears away every time it falls on my cheeks and Joshua notices it, so he gives me a wad of tissues from the box without saying a word.
I look outside the window, turn my body to the window and looking straight at the sunset. Suddenly, Joshua approaches me as he sees I'm getting better after the cry. I look at him when he asks me the same question. He is still curious about the reason I came to the lake. Hilarious, I thought.
"To clear my mind, I guess."
One simple answer for the simple question. Knowing that my answer is quite simple, he looks dissatisfied with it, so he decided to be a busy body by asking me some questions that I might not want to response. Looking at his curious face, I can't help but laughing. I just shrugged and answer him, giving him the most satisfied answer so that he won't be curious again.
He listens to me while driving and turn up the music. I look outside the window again and got startled as he rolls down the window for me. I smile as I didn't know that Joshua is kind of sweet and caring person. He makes me feel comfortable in just a short time; comfortable enough to tell him almost everything that I like and dislike. I feel like we've known each other for such a long time. I feel like I know him but where? The way he laughs reminds me of someone that I knew during my childhood days.
The conversations that we had almost got us lost in our own world until I did not realize that we've arrived home. I untucked the seat belt, lean back on the seat and turns my head to him. He does the same thing too and I give him a smile and thank him for sending me back home. We look at each other's eyes as if everything stops around us until I walk out from the car and wave him a goodbye. I bet that this is the best and comfort night that I've ever had with a guy that I barely know. I wonder what's in him that makes me feel happy inside out of sudden. The smiles that I put on my face remain the same until I walk to my room. I throw away my handbag on the floor and jump on my bed, lying down with two hands behind my head – recalling all the things that we did all the way back home. If this is what happiness feels like, make it last longer, Lord, I pray in my heart.