Hello Brain Diary! This is a live Brain Recording. Brought to you by my Super Gazillion IQ Brain!
Today, on the day 2467 PPD, I, Megamachia, shall summon a demon into this zombie-infested world! Hahahahahaha!
So a few days ago, I found this book right here. See how it's pristine and clean? It's sooo weird! How did it stay like this for years!
The book was the only thing left intact inside a run-down collapsing cabin in some woods right around... I think this would be Florida. I'm not really that good at reading maps. Not because I'm dumb, heavens no, I'm a Super Scientist Doctor Genius.
Mommy always told me that glasses make half the genius, but I'm already a full genius, so does that not make me a one and a half genius? Because I too have glasses despite my perfect vision.
It does! It totally does! As expected of me! Mega Megamachia!
Besides, the map is faded, and I don't have the necessary tools like compass and shit. It's all very complicated, but in short, none of it is my fault.
Anyway, enough of that boring stuff. This peculiar book told tales of summoning demons, and even contained specific instructions on how to do it, which is great.
So I drew this circle on the ground as the book told me to. Using my own blood.
Some might say that it be wiser to just bleed out some animal if I can find any, or maybe wait for my period because it's coming anyway. Some might even suggest that the contents of this book are all bogus and I shouldn't be so gullible so as to actually try it- Except no one will ever say that because they're all fucking dead! Turned to zombies who only know how to go "RAAHHH!! RAHH!!" Dumbasses, dipshit. I don't even know why their brain is their weak point. It's clearly doing nothing special!
Naturally, I, the one who survived is better than all the losers who died and turned zombie! My judgment is surely sound and just.
So I just slit my left arm using my beloved ka-ta-na MegaSlayerZ! I did it all in one go, and without hesitation. Even if I cut a particularly bad area, it's not like I'm gonna lose function in my arm- It's already gone! Chopped off! Happened long, long ago, involving an experiment gone wrong and a very brave young Megamachia, bless her soul.
My blood dripped down, I was basically unfazed like a jaded brooding anti-hero.
Using my own blood I drew this perfect circle on the ground. Following the instructions properly, of course. I wouldn't want the demon I summon to look ugly. At least I'd like them to be better than all these fucking zombies running around.
I also had to draw some stars and shapes and shit, which was really weird, but hey Drawing! I've been sooo bore- well, I have had just a little bit of free time lately, drawing could be a good hobby.
I drew that entire shit with my own blood, which took a while, and some pains I'll admit, but such trifle is hardly a trifle for this great genius!
It looks so cool to boot, and I could really feel the demonic energies gathering. Surely if I didn't cut myself up and used my own blood, the results wouldn't have been as great. There's a proper order and aesthetic to these things, I've seen so in many a manga.
No, it's not useless. I'll gouge out the eyes of anyone who says it is.
After having finished the preparations, I chose to put off the demon summoning for a day or two. It was a lot of hard work and I deserved a break. Incidentally, I feel weak and wobbly for some reason, which is strange. I call it hard work, but I'm usually cycling through the entire country, it's not like this was any harder.
Thankfully, I had secured myself some well-earned luxury. I was in a forest, with a running river. The river grew legs and is dashing off into the sunset!
Ah, youth.
I didn't have a container big enough for a full soak, but I had found these old metal things in the cabin. They were dirty and dusty, and so is everything else in that house, but a little rinse and they're basically good as new. I also checked for any other signs of people, of humans, and there were none. How did that demon book remain clean? It was on the same shelf as the other books that would tear and fall apart at a touch. Really, really weird.
Anyway, the metal bowl things. I think they're meant for cooking, but I don't really need them for bugs. In fact, there were even some berries and shit all around, and they tasted sweet and yummy. I emptied out an entire bush because I just couldn't stop myself after I took one bite.
Delicious! So delicious, I threw up!
As I was minding my own business, cleaning off some metal bowls, there was this zombie limping slowly to my direction. He had an axe stuck to his throat, so definitely a zombie. Humans can't survive that, probably. Don't wanna try that science experiment on myself though, it'd be a shame if I died. I might actually be the last human on earth. As expected of my genius! Hahahahaha!
But! This isn't the time for that.
This zombie... He can't say it, but this vibe... It's like that thing in manga where someone's about to confess their feelings...
"I'm sorry, but you're a zombie and very gross, stinky, and smelly. And what's with that axe on your throat? It's not cute, it makes you look more like a dunce. Especially with your mouth hanging open like an idiot, it's like I can smell your putrid breath from here."
He looks somehow sad. I tried to let him down easy and kind, but it's just not meant to be. A human and a zombie. What's next, even more hostile and worse super alien zombies-
...Hm? Something suddenly grabbed my foot.
What...
Oh, a zombie.
Where the fuck did you come from!?
I quickly raised my trusty claw, ClawerMachia, and used it to cut off the zombie hand clinging to my leg. One hit didn't cut it, so I smashed the arm over and over with the sharp end, until the decayed bone snapped, and flesh was torn apart. I managed to make an uncowardly tactical retreat, just as I had planned.I take stock of the situation, using my 1 MILLION IQ to observe and analyze my opponents.
DIctionary moment: IQ is a measurement of how amazing genius I am. The number is always high!
One of them is a mutant zombie. She's the one whose arm I managed to chop off- Oh shit it's still here- FUCK disgusting!
I made a very calculated and foresight--ed--ful(?) move. It's called a preemptive strike, a tactic employed only by the most smartest and skilled fighters and doctor scientists.
The zombie managed--or at least that's what she thinks--to sneak up on me because she was swimming within the river.She'd been mixed with various fish DNA, and from the looks of it, all common river fish. Nothing fancy.
There is value in the journey and mutation itself, so I won't say it's useless, but other than that ambush, now that she's standing on land, her combat abilities should only be as high as a regular zombie, if not even lower.
This'll be easy, or to be more precise, I am just too AMAZING!
The Zombie FIsh- or is it Fish Zombie?- She charged right at me, and then tripped over herself.
Did I excite you that much!?
I see. I see!
Hahahaha!
It cannot be helped.
I'm just that charming.
Poke.
I stuck MegaSlayerZ into her head and she promptly stopped moving.
She died satisfied.
Lived as a fish, died in the pursuit of love.
Beautiful.
Now for the other one.
As I shifted my gaze, I saw something. Looking over to the side of Zombie Fish over here, there seemed to be something carved by her side. A magic circle with an M in the middle.
That almost looks like my crest... It's not. It can't be. This pathetic little thing cannot possibly be my experiment. Nope. No way. Nuh-uh.
I fixed my glasses as I approached. I'd still be a full genius without it, but I do not wish to lose that extra half genius. That would be very bad, yes.
I walk towards the lumberjack zombie calmly.
Heh, lumberjack. More like Lumberjackass Zombie. Not only smart, but funny and creative. If only I was born... thirty, no fifty years sooner, people would have been all over me. And I would have been all over them. Mmmm...
I tried to wait for this lumberjackass zombie to come close, but by god he's slooow. I know he's got an axe stuck in his throat and all, but can't he try a little harder? Man...
I'm right in front of him, but he can barely lift his arms...
Hehehe... shit I can't stop chuckling.
No, no. Don't misunderstand. I'm not making fun of you, I'm not playing around. I'm the good guy here, I wanna free you from the torment of undeath.
Don't worry boo, I'll put you out of your misery reeeaall soon, okay?
Alright!
I take a step back, raise my beloved katana MegaSlayerZ up high with my right hand. I locked eyes with the zombie in a show of understanding, and with righteous fury, I swung MegaSlayerZ down hard.
His head split, his torso split, and even his legs split. It was a clean cut right down the middle that fully severed him into two. Bones, tissues, and all.
Blood gushed and splashed everywhere, despite being dried and gooey. My sheer force, and the sheer awesomeness of MegaSlayerZ destroyed that zombie's body.
Holy shit! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
That was amazing! Fuck!
Man, I'm good. I'm fucking great!
Woooo!
Holy shit!
...Okay. Goddamn.
I can't believe that worked, but of course it did. I should have expected nothing less from my wondrous self, Megamachia!
Oh right, right, I forgot. Dictionary moment: Righteous fury. That's when I get like really serious and do something fucking amazing. Like just now. Like what just happened just now. Holy shit! Did you see that!?!?
~ ~ ~
The next day... well the one after that. I got just a tiny little bit carried away there, maybe, like very miniscule small. The blood gushed forth, and spilled into me. Of course, my skin got all sticky and gross, but my clothes, not to mention my glasses too were drenched in red, making it hard to see.
So I had to wash all my shit, which takes a while even for a genius like me. I;m not an idiot that would just jump into the river and get bit by zombie fishes. I bet Zombie Queen Megamachia would still be hot and fuckable of course, but it'd be a great loss for this world if my great, amazing genius were to be lost. That'd be unbearable.
But none of that is important, for my amazing-ness has only just reared its tiny tip iceberg.
Behold! The super duper demon-demon summoning no justu!
" Gninommus Nomed "
Did I pronounce it right?
Oh! It's glowing! The blood magic circle is fucking glowing! it's getting brighter!
Got it right the first time. Go me!
I don't really know what any of this means. Even my great genius cannot decipher it -YET. What better teacher than experience!?
" Esolc llahs tfir eht "
Yes, yes, I can feel the power!!!
Or maybe- Since I really can't decipher any of this at all, it must be in an entirely different language.
If it were a code, there ain't no way I cannot decipher it. I'm a great genius!
" Nrobnu nomed a ! "
A blinding flash of red light covered the surroundings, the trees were dyed in the color of death, and the river looked like an ominous surge of blood running through the very earth.
A ringing sound resounded straight into my ears, echoing directly within the depths of my mind. And then...
[ PRRRTTTTTT!!! ]
The sound of a fart.
Did the demon just fart?
My spell was so jaw-dropping, ass-dropping that they couldn't help but fart.
No worries, I'll pretend I heard nothing.
"Hello demon! My name is Megamachia!"
The light subsides and sinks, my eyes readjust.
The previously glowing blood--my wondrous blood--lost its luster. And all that was left was...
Was...
N...
Nothing?
NOTHING!?
W- Where!?
Where the fuck is the demon?!
After all that build-up, for nothing?
This is worse than when I was fapping sooo good and then BAM! An eight headed dragon zombie appeared!
At least that was cool!
But a fart!? After all that trouble, all I get is a fucking fart!?
I don't need that, I can fart very well on my own!!
WahhhH!!! RahhhH!!!
I stomped on the stupid blood drawing, all the way into the center.
STUPID! STUPID! It's not even a circle, what the fuck is this blob!? Who drew this stupid shit!?
Is this supposed to be a star!? Looks more like fucking puke!
Pfweehh! Spit! Spit!
That's what you get you fucking trash!
And this book too-
I throw it hard into the ground, and kick dirt all over it.
There! Get dirty! You good for nothing-! Worthless! PIECE OF SHIT JUNK GARBAGE!
The blood circle flickered, and then glew bright once more. The demon book began sifting through pages really fast like it's supposed to impress me.
"Yeah, yeah, amazing. You gonna fart agai-"
...
...
......
And thus.
The Earth.
Has finally.
Gone.
Quiet.