John reached for his wife to calm her down, wrapping her within his embrace. He could see the frustration on her face and could feel the tension building within the conversation. He tried to defuse the situation before it turned into an argument by whispering sweet nothings into her neck as he kissed her neck, making sure to nibble her lobes as he spoke. The hairs on her neck stood on end as she melted into the enticing sensation of her husband's warm lips tantalizing the crevasse of her neck. She could feel the sexual tension building within both her tired body and frustrated mind, release was a welcome friend, yet she had to stand her ground.
John continued to nibble down her neck to her collarbone and said," it will be my last tour, I promise. Once I finish the mission, we can finally settle down and start the life that we have worked so hard to build." He felt an uncomfortable shift within his embrace, he had said something wrong. He always said something wrong when it came to his missions, she never understood.
Clarissa brushed his arms off, shrugging John's chin off with a bump and turned, looking up into his hazel eyes, "that's what you said the last three tours, when is enough, enough?
John looked down into his wife's green eyes and could see the embers of emerald anger sparkling and began to catch fire," Honey, I have worked all of these years in the military to give you and Gabby this life, a life that most people would die for." he knew that his words were fuel for the fire that burned within his Irish princess, so he sat down and quietly said, "I need to go on this mission for a few reasons, the being that it is six figures. We can never have to worry about money again. Secondly, I need to support my team and protect this country, which includes both you and Gabby."
Clarrisa snapped her head around from looking toward Gabby's room, her eyes sharp like daggers and her tone cold," I'm your wife! I'm more important than money, than your team, and this country, or have you forgotten your vows, HUSBAND!"
Maybe he had lost sight of what was more important yet providing for them was his job and retirement would not allow them the life that they were accustomed to living, so he had to go on this mission. He felt trapped within two worlds that subjugated both himself and his family. He knew how to kill and fight the enemies of America; it had become second nature. When it came to fighting for his marriage and family, being a husband, father, and friend to others outside of the military it was beyond his means, he was without stars and stripes. When Clarissa needed something done, he would do it, no problem. When she asked him to feel or express his emotions to her, or to explain what he was thinking about, he couldn't. He had become numb, the military created him to be that way, he couldn't just unlearn twenty years of training that helped him stay alive. John had saved thousands of people over the years, yet the problem seemed to be that he couldn't save his family from the military within him.
Clarissa rested her head against the kitchen counter and took a deep breath, lifting her head before she spoke," I was so looking forward to the day that you would finally retire and actually become my husband and Gabby's father, God knows we need you. Instead, you trade us in for a six-figure contract to a mission that could possibly kill you, leaving us with a bunch of money, but nothing more than that. Is that what you think we really want, fucking money!?"
John was crushed. He held his head within his hands and mumbled," I really thought that you would simply go alone with it like you had the other times, it's a lot more money than the other missions."
She pulled out a chair and sat in front of him, looking directly into his distant eyes," Pay attention, husband, and don't zone out. I need you to really hear my words," she turned toward the liquor cabinet and pulled out two shot glasses, a bottle of dark spirits, and began to pour the spiced rum over a coconut and basil ice cube. She strained the chilled liquid and threw it back, shaking off the burn the best she could and said, "I asked you to retire so I could get some sleep at night, between Gabby's nightmares and my fears, I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in years." she walked over to where he sat and ran her free hand through his light brown hair and watched her husband process her words, a tear hit his hand, he had heard her finally, so she continued, "During your last tour I had horrible nightmares of getting a knock on the door from an unformed officer telling me that you had been killed. I would jolt out of bed in cold sweats, panic stricken, looking out of the window for the unmarked car, crying and waiting for the day of your retirement," she threw back the other shot, closing her eyes as the liquid torched her throat," whoa! That one had a bite." and looked at the empty glass," that still burns.'' She poured herself another and decided to give the shot to John and threw back the rest of the bottle, chugging until she had to stop to breathe. She took a few breaths and said," but nooooo…" she crumbled into a slump, took another long swig and simply breathed while she looked at her husband. She threw the empty bottle in his direction," are you listening to me?"
"Yes, my love." John said, knowing what was coming.
"Instead, you take another mission, when does the bull-shit end, John? Her bottom lip began to quiver as the embers of her anger ignited into a full inferno of rage," how is this fair, husband? I want to have you in my bed every night making love to me. I want you to be here to see your daughter grow up and help her with problems that I can't comprehend as her mother, I don't want to be a single mother anymore. I want you to save her from the monsters that live in her closet, under her bed, and within the walls… they come out every night that you're not here." Clarissa pointed toward the large comforter that covered the mountain of boxes that sat in the corner of their living room," We are still living out of boxes, John, and we have been here over a year. When is this nightmare going to end?" she began to tremble as her anger and the alcohol began to blend, causing a burst of hidden emotions to climb out of her graveyard of disappointments.
John was not sure how he should react to his wife, if he stayed quiet then she would say he was ignoring her, and if he said the wrong thing then she would explode, what the hell was he to do. John reached for his wife's hand, as she sat next to him on the floor and he took a deep breath," I promise this will be my last mission, that was part of the contract. I will retire and get the money in five installments over the course of four years once the mission is completed." he grabbed the folder off of the table and tried giving it to his wife.
"What is this, John?" her eyes glazed over, making them look like illuminated emeralds.
John realized that this was a horrible idea, why had he even thought that showing her the contract would change things, was he even listening to his wife. It was too late now, so he simply committed to the plan," this is the contract and my retirement papers. I would like you to sign them with me, so you know for sure this time that I will be retiring once I come home." John began to smile," I want you to be a part of the decision."
Clarissa smacked the folder out of his hand, making both John's grin and papers disappear. She looked toward the floor, shaking her head as she grabbed an ice cube from her glass and began to gently dab it on her swollen eyes," You really don't get it, John." she patted her face with the dish towel, removing the cold water, "you're supposed to bring me these papers before you make a decision, not after the fact… sometimes you make me wonder."
"I was just trying to bring some peace into our home, Clarissa. I was just…"
"This place," she pointed around," is not my home. Do you want to know why, John?!" Clarissa waited for an answer from her husband who stayed silent," answer me, John. You better fucking answer me and not shut down!"
John knew that the alcohol was talking, so to avoid conflict, he forced his anger and pride to dissolve, and he simply answered with a sarcastic smile, "why, sweetheart?"
"Cute, very cute!" she said with daggers," because you're never home, John, that's why. This place and all of the other places will or would never be my home, John." She took a deep breath and tried to calm down, her emotional reservoir was about to break and allow years of anger, disappointment, and regret to come crashing down on the man that she truly loved. She couldn't tell if he disappointed her on purpose or if he really was that selfish and mentally gone from the many things that the military had put him through.
"A home needs to have a family. I feel like a single mother raising my daughter while you're out playing Rambo or fucking some whore." Clarissa felt like she didn't know who she was right now, maybe her therapist was right about her suppressed emotions and alcohol, either way, John needed to hear what she was saying.
"What are you talking about, Clarissa?" John's back muscles began to tighten as he forced his stress level to stay lower than his wife's. If they both lost control then this conversation would be over and the years of therapy would be for nothing," where is this coming from? What happened to the therapy and making this marriage work?" John's level of sincerity caught her off guard.
Clarissa looked up and at him through blurry eyes, the tears refused to stop," I feel like I'm the enemy within my own home, John. When you're here all we do is fight. And when you're gone, I do wish you were home, our marriage is so dysfunctional. The worst part is, Gabby is forced to watch this and experience this chaos, it's not fair to anyone." Clarissa looked at John, hoping to get through to him. The man that she had married twenty years ago would have owned his mistakes, but the man that he become was calloused, calculated, and camouflaged; the years in the military had taught him to compartmentalize his emotions and values, leaving a small part of the man that she fell in love with to remain.
John knew that his wife was right, making the sting hurt that much more. The army's training hadn't taught him anything as far as how to deal with his wife's brokenness. In a strange way, John found his wife more attractive this way. He tried to avoid her gaze, yet it was useless to try and fight the urge, he loved the way his wife looked when she was angry. Her pouty lips, blushed skin, green eyes, and wild strawberry blond hair that looked like flames against her pale skin, it was captivating. John smiled at his brilliance, the thought rushed out of his mouth before he could give it a second thought," I will only be gone for a month or so. Both you and Gabby can unpack the boxes, pick some colors for the bedrooms, and finally begin to make this house our home. When I get back, we can all make this our house together, what do you say?" As John finished his sentence, Clarissa slowly stood up on shaky legs and pointed a crooked finger at him, the alcohol had hit her harder than she expected," how dare you, John." all kindness that was once there had been replaced with something wild, "didn't you hear a word that I said, John? Who the hell do you think you are giving me orders like I'm one of your soldiers." stands of strawberry blond hair fell into her face, making her look out of control and wildly attractive?
John remembered the anger and passion that flowed out of his wife's body during their last make up session, the sex was so intense. He felt weak with sexual desire and went to reach for her hips, but she turned on him," hell no, John! Get that thought out of your mind." she looked up into his, her temper had now taken over. He blew it once again
Anger masked her face," you think that sex will fix our problems, John. Your dick is not fucking magic, it won't make our problems disappear.
John's pride took a hard blow. He slumped into a chair and just looked at his wife, "So how can we fix our problems then if sex won't work, it worked every other time."
"Let's start by talking about your daughter. You have barely spent one full year with her in total since she was born. She is nine now, most of your conversations have been over the webcam or satellite phone. Did you even think about how hard it must be for Gabby?" She took a sip of water and took a deep breath," your daughter loves you so much and can't stop talking about when you will be home." Clarissa began to sob again and held her up to stop John's approach," don't… You just don't get it. Your touch cannot fix our problems this time."
John continued to stand and walked closer to his wife before he spoke," I don't think that my touch will fix our problems. I was just trying to console you." John looked down the hallway toward the bedrooms," She knows that I love her, I tell her all of the time. You need to stop all of this victim shit; it doesn't look good on you. ``
"She…" Clarissa shook her head at her husband's refusal to acknowledge his daughter by name was just one of the many problems. The simple fact that a part of her husband had died in Iraq made it that much harder to explain to everyone, especially Gabby. Clarissa allowed the anger to darken her emotional stability because she needed to be numb for what she was about to say, "It would have been easier if you would have come back in a pine box, John. At Least then I could explain to Gabby why you are never here mentally or physically here."
John went to grab his wife but stopped and crossed the room instead and said,'' Clarissa Jean O'Neil!" He rested his shaking hands on the kitchen countertop and looked down, arms tense and full of raw power. He hadn't felt this angry since his brother had died in the streets of Philly fifteen years ago. He looked at his wife, knowing that she saw the rage and murder in his eyes," Don't say things you don't mean, Clarissa. Just because you're drunk doesn't give…" he caught himself and simply stopped talking about it. He noticed his daughter's bible on the kitchen table and said,'' Gabby and I have a great relationship. We just had breakfast together and then we went to church, where were you?"
"I… I… You didn't wake me."
"Would you have gone if I had?" John asked with a stern voice. He wanted the fighting to stop. He wanted to raise the white flag and surrender as he spoke softly," I know that I have made a few mistakes along the way…"
"Some mistakes!?" Clarissa was about to unleash a tidal wave of emotions when Gabby came out and screamed, "Stop fighting! Mom, you're just as much to blame as dad, stop it." Her throat tightened and the remainder of what she wanted to say got stuck within, the emotional storm overwhelming her tiny body, making it hard for her to breath. She crumbled to the floor and cried out, `Daddy, don't leave me again."
John's soul was set ablaze with both remorse and regret, knowing that he had already broken another promise to his little girl. And the fact that he was the reason behind his princess' pain.
Clarissa slowly came to, her rage and drunken stupor fading as she watched her daughter cry in the middle of the living room floor, her sobs echoed within Clarissa's own brokenness helping her own pain break through the walls of unforgiveness toward her husband.
John looked at both his wife and daughter and questioned himself, for how he deserved such precious gifts. He was nothing but a liar, heartbreaker, killer, bad husband, and a horrible father. Yet his little princess and wife continued to crave his attention and affection. He was torn, he had never heard them speak this loudly before. Now that he was listening there was nothing he could do, the papers were already signed. John swallowed the emotions that were trying to crawl out of his chest and pushed his tears away and picked up his shaking and trembling little girl and tried to reassure her," Don't cry, princess, I will be back."
Gabby wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed," I love you daddy. Please don't leave us again." her voice a whimper," I won't be able to protect you if you leave, daddy." Gabby's soft words twisted a knife in his gut, the pressure that surrounded his heart took his breath away. John knew that what was coming next was going to break all of their hearts and there was nothing that any of them could do to change the outcome.
John kissed his daughter on the cheek and said," I have to leave now my Princess. Be a big girl for mommy." he went to set her down, but she held on even tighter,
Gabby looked into her father's eyes and said," What about church? You told Juanita that you would help us with the baked sale, you pinky swore!" she looked into his eyes again, a seriousness formed within her gaze," if you leave me daddy, you are going to die. We are all going to die." he set her down slowly, an eerie tingle danced down his spine as his daughter's smile and tears disappeared," I saw the demon who is going to kill us all in my dreams, he's coming." She hugged him harder because she knew that her father wouldn't listen, this was going to be her last hug if he didn't stop to listen.
John was stuck on stupid. How did his sweet princess believe in such darkness, how did she learn of such demonic ideas? He tried to save face and said," I already told you that demons don't exist. If I can't kill them or see them then they…"
"You're going to die, John!" Gabby screamed so loud that her throat began to hurt."
"Princess, what has gotten into you?" John held her out in front of himself, her tiny body dangled as her feet kicked. He looked into her eyes and noticed a deep sadness, a sadness that had never been there before," who have you been talking to? Is it your friend Juanita?"
Gabby began to swing her legs harder in protest and said," you never listen to me, daddy!" she began to cry and yelled," put me down, you're hurting me, daddy." John snapped to and gentle lowered her to her feet and took a knee," Okay, sweetheart, tell me what I need to know. ``
Gabby looked up through puddles of pain and said," I had a bad dream last night. I also had a demon try to get into my room last week, remember, you came into my room and smelled the darkness, remember?"
A blank stare masked his eyes, "I'm sorry, princess, I don't remember."
"Remember the chocolate chip banana pancakes with the fruity pebbles…" Gabby stopped speaking as the look in his eyes didn't change.
"I'm sorry, Gabriella. A Lot has happened since last week and you have nightmares almost every night, sweetheart." John shook his head and looked at the floor, knowing that he had just, once again, broken his daughter's heart.
Gabby pushed herself away from her father and began to walk away slowly, knowing that she would never see her father again if he didn't listen. Her dreams always came true, and her daddy had died by the hands of the demon who visited her with jasper eyes.
"Where are you going, Gabby?" both Clarissa and John questioned at the same time.
"I love you daddy." Gabby said softly, turning back toward him," I may be young, but if you don't listen to me and my warning…" she began to cry as her gaze drifted toward the floor," you're not coming home in time to save me…"
John ran after his daughter and wrapped his arms around her, turning to face him, "we need to talk about this before I leave."
"I love you daddy and I will miss you, a lot."
John was so confused, the way she spoke made him really believe that he was going to die. Death wasn't such a bad thing, still, he wasn't ready to leave his wife and daughter, at least not in life.
Gabby lifted her head and wiped her tears, gently pushing away from his embrace. John had caused a serious wound in both his daughter and wife and now neither of them wanted him around. John missed their embrace, their laughter, and the way that their lives used to be. John felt empty for a moment and a tear rolled down his face. He watched his daughter walk away again and a sense of pride burst within his chest, a love that he hadn't realized he had for her blossomed. He had never known that his daughter was so intelligent and passionate about life at such a young age. The demon stuff caught him off guard and kind of creeped him out a little, yet she was still his princess. John tried to compose himself and said,'' Princess, I assure you that there is no demon on this earth or in heaven that can kill me, I am a trained killer. If they can get close enough to kill me then I can do the same to them, do you understand me." John stood and said,'' I will see you soon, princess."
Gabby didn't turn or stop and simply said, "No, daddy. No, you won't."
John grabbed his saddlebags and walked over to where his wife lay sleeping and kissed her, waking her up gently," Clarissa, you can still come with me and change your mind, sweetheart."
Clarissa wiped her mouth and said with a gentle smile," so can you, sweetheart. We don't need the money, John."
John opened the door and stared at his wife's beautiful face, taking it all in, hoping that his daughter was wrong about him not coming back.