I open my eyes after choking practically to death on a cashew, expecting to see, I don't know, a hospital, or my house, or at least something familiar.
Instead, I am standing in a horrible, hot and stinking room lit by tapers. Think candles, but made of fat and putrid odour. It's full of people wearing more fabric than anyone could possibly tolerate. They are starched, they are pinned, and even the guys are so caked in makeup they look like $20 hookers. You know the ones I mean - so unhealthy and ugly it's practically charity to screw them.
What's worse is that I'm wearing one of the worst devices of female oppression ever created - the most horrible, stiff and ungodly nightmare called a Whalebone Corset. I'm also wearing 5 inch heels and a dress with a skirt so long you can write 'trip-hazard' and be done with it. I have so many layers on its amazing I'm not drowning in my own sweat. There is brocade, and ribbons, and shocking colour clashes and shiny beads that I hope are glass. It feels like they let a pig run rampant through a haberdashery shop and sold the mess it picked up.
What the hell is this place? Why am I here? Where can I find a convenient place to ditch this Corset? It's strangling and restricting me so much I can hardly breathe, let alone move!
Please don't tell me I've been transmigrated! I'm a modern Female Neet! A Fujoshi with pride! I need my creature comforts! Like mangas, and Bl novels, and sanitary pads! Please, god of Bl and all that's unholy (because I hate conventional religions 😜) - please tell me this world is not as Dark Ages as the vibe it's giving me!
"And now, Prince Eustace will choose his bride!" A pretentious man obviously wearing a badly made wig announced, and all the people in the room turn to look at the dais in the corner of the room. Sitting there is the living embodiment of Gluttony, Sloth and who knows how many diseases. There is so much fat on this, this thing I'm pretty sure is an Orc, that they could roast him over a fire and save the town from a famine. His face alone has more meat on it than pork rump roast.
That thing is so offensive to the eyes, especially for a Bl fanatic like me, it almost makes me gag. If only I had the breath to run away from here. I really MUST DITCH THIS CORSET! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!
I spin about, trying to see the exit, but there's too many people here. It's too hot, and too smelly, and I really can't breathe! I only just got through Death by Cashew, and I still can't get a break!
"There! I pick that one!" An obnoxious voice echoes in the room, and suddenly all eyes turn to me. A horrible premonition fills me with dread, as I turn to see the thick trotter of the upright pig pointed right at me.
To my shame, I was so overwhelmed by stimulation, I threw up my hands in front of me and screamed "HELL NO!"
Before fainting from lack of air.