I have my head resting on my one hand and my elbow on the counter, staring out of the window of the diner. The parking lot is almost empty. There are only two vehicles and one of them is the owner of the diner's vehicle. The other one is of the two women in the corner discussing someone's baby shower.
The diner is very quiet. I hear Morris whistle in the kitchen. He is apparently having a great day. I try to keep my thoughts from drifting to Ryan. Why can I not stop thinking about him. Morris calls my name and I turn to go into the kitchen.
In the kitchen Morris gives me a dish he prepared for me. It is a sub with bacon and chicken with a cheese sauce and finely chopped spring onion on top. It looks and smells really good. I didn't realise I was hungry until now.
I stand by Morris and eat in silence as he tells me about his aunt that came to visit him unexpectedly. I can only imagine how an uninvited guest would upset me. I don't like surprises.
The day goes very slow. I like busy days. Today is killing me. I realise that Morris noticed since he stopped talking. He is looking at me with a lot of worry in his eyes.
"What is wrong Rachel?" he asks when I look up to him.
"A lot happened after the funeral. I am trying to make sense of it but it is a lot to process." I tell Morris honestly.
Morris' expression softens.
"You know, Rachel, sometimes you cannot make sense of things. You need to divide everything in your life into two sections. Things you can do something about. Things you can do nothing about. Then do something about the things you can do something about. The rest is not in your hands."
I smile at Morris. He is right. But what can I do about Ryan? He gave me up so easily. I will not run after a man. I tried to contact him ten years ago and he apparently had my best interests at heart and therefor cut me out of his life. It is not fair but it is what it is. About that I can do absolutely nothing.
I sigh. About Ryan I can do nothing. I need to put him out of my mind. I get up from my seat and thank Morris for the great meal and the great advice.
I work in the front until it is time to close shop.
When I finally lock the doors behind me, I feel a huge relief. I have never before wished the day would end so I could go home. Today I felt it all the time.
I walk the four blocks to my very tiny apartment. I unlock the door and go inside. It used to feel like home. I was happy in this tiny space. I felt it was mine and it made me happy to know that I had peace in my life. Today it looks sad. I feel sad. Everything around me looks sad. My inner self changed and I do not know how to deal with it.
I walk to my bed and fall down on top of it. A sob escapes me. At first, I try to hold back on the tears but then I realise that I don't have to be strong for anybody. There is nobody who can see me cry. There is nobody that would know if I broke down. For the first time in ten years I completely give into the tears. I cry until I fall asleep.
*******
The following morning, I wake up slowly. My head feels thick and my face is sore. I forgot that crying has after effects. I still feel tired. I get up to wash my face and brush my teeth.
In the kitchen I make myself a cup of coffee and sit at my small table to drink it. I don't feel like going to work. I don't feel like doing anything. I have never felt this way before. Everything is such a mess.
I call into work for the first time ever to tell them I will not be coming in today. I lie and tell them I am not well.
I don't get dressed. I don't comb my hair. I just crawl back into bed and let the tears come again. I cry myself to sleep.
*******
When I wake up it is already dark outside. I don't think I will be able to fall asleep again. I get up and make my bed. I cannot just go on like nothing changed. I put on jeans and a jacket and decide to go for a walk. Maybe the fresh air outside would make me feel better.
I put my hands in my pockets after closing and locking the door and start walking towards another small diner on the other side of this small town. When I get there, it is their busiest hour.
I greet the few friendly faces I know and go to take a seat at a small empty booth. Two-seater booths usually fill last.
I think about the things that are holding me here. There is nothing. I only settled here because it was such a small friendly town. I didn't need much more. I think about where I will go should I leave this little town. Can I go back to a city where Ryan lives? Can I really live where he is and not think about him? Maybe I should just talk to Ryan and ask him all the questions I need answers to. Maybe then, I will be able to go on with my life.
The waitress at the diner comes to me. We know each other well. I order loaded fries and a coke. She nods and rushes off. Everyone in this town knows each other to some extent. If you don't know them well, you probably know their names and where they work.
The waitress brings me my meal and I sit and eat alone. I usually eat before I leave work. There is very little to eat in my small apartment. I am usually always at work or the odd day I am at home I would have made sure to take something home to eat.
I eat slowly and listen to the conversations around me. I always liked listening to the conversations in the diner. Sometimes it is hard not to give advice. People do not generally like when you listen to their conversations.
I get up to go pay my bill at the bar. I few guys sitting at the bar greet me and offer to buy me drinks. I really do not feel like making conversation tonight. The only person I really need to talk to is not here. I do not have his number and I cannot reach him. Even if I could reach him, I doubt that he would want to talk to me.
I pay my bill and walk out the door. The cool air on my face feels refreshing. I can walk home in fifteen minutes easily. I don't though. I walk slowly, listening to the night sounds and looking at things I usually miss.
I cannot stay in this small town. I realise I have been hiding here. Hiding from Ryan. Hiding from Marcella. Hiding from the dreams that fell apart in front of my eyes. I had great plans for my life. Nothing worked out as it should have.
When I reach my place, I unlock the door and go in. The heavy feeling in my chest settles in again. I cannot stay here. I take out my largest suitcases and pack everything I can into it. When I am finished packing the third suitcase, the flat is empty. Only the things that was there when I moved in is still standing around.
I have some savings. I will take a vacation and decide what I want to do with my life.
I curl up on my bed and take my phone in my hands. I go online and order a taxi to come and collect me tomorrow morning. I then do a quick search to see where I can go on holiday where I can clear my head. I'm not looking for anything extravagant. I want a small quiet place where I can go and not see anyone else.
The lake house where we were taking our short breakaway after school ended pops up on my screen. My heart twists and tears fill my eyes. Even while deliberately running away there will always be traces of Ryan following me.
I send Adrien a message on the number he gave us. He told us to message him if there are any problems or if we feel scared. I will just tell him that nothing is wrong to start with.
Adrien
Everything is fine.
Could you please give me Ryan's number?
Thank you
Rachel
I press the send button before I can change my mind.
It is less than twenty seconds later when my phone rings. It is an unknown number. I answer with caution.
"Everything okay there, little lamb?" Ryan's voice comes soothingly over the phone.