Finding Love? In search of love, did I lose myself or find myself? To know about the answer, you have to be a part of my life. So let's enter into the magical world of an old soul who feels everything too deeply and gets hurt too deeply. A 90s kid who believed to have a love story. The words 'love' and ' UPSC' are very common in Indian houses. When I say love and UPSC, you must be thinking of the movie dialogue 'thukra ke Mera pyar mera inteqam dekhegi' right, which is not applicable in my case. 'Love' is the most beautiful word and I'm in love with the word Love. This is not just a story, this is a part of me. I have lived with a mix of emotions such as love, loneliness, separation, strength, support, hope and heart. A real story told and untold with a tender heart. I fell in love with a kashmiri guy in my college days. A Buddhist North Eastern girl and a Muslim kashmiri boy. What a combination right! but being an army brat we have always taught love is superior over religion, caste and creed. Post Graduation final year exam results came out and the same day he gave me a marriage proposal and I said yes. He was afraid to tell my parents as he was an army officer so decided to get married without telling anyone. So silly right! But as the world says you are blind in love. After getting married we informed our parents and they accepted us because I was happy and the perks of an open minded family. We worked as administrative officers in a private firm in Punjab. First few months were good but after a few months the true colors of him were shocking for me. He was cheating on me with another girl. We had an argument and what he did was a tight slap on my face and trust me it was exactly the scene of a movie, all I could hear was a silent beep sound for a few seconds. Teary eyes with a heart break into pieces and a question in my mind, Why? Here comes my weakness, he apologized to me and said it was a mistake and won't repeat again. I forgave him and continued with our jobs and life. Though we used to have arguments because once the trust is broken, it gets shattered. Some of the arguments were at the highest peak of shamelessness and untold. I forgave his betrayal but couldn't forget it. Cons of accepting the apology and forgiving him, were waiting for me in the future. We left Punjab and he took me to his hometown paradise Kashmir and we were happy for a few days. I was a fragile girl who tried her best to be a perfect wife and a perfect daughter-in-law to be fitted in a totally different culture. Despite the differences I was using my adaptive skills and the reason behind all of this was in search of love. One dark night again everything changed, caught him cheating on me with another girl on a chat dating app. When I told this to his mother and his family with a hope of love, I thought they would support me but what they did was shocking for me. They said it's normal and I shouldn't react loudly. Every wife should know to keep their voice low. The evil part was that he was laughing in front of me and said it was his plan to bring me to Kashmir so that I couldn't do anything here. He said it's his place and nobody can harm him. When I shouted loudly to seek help from the neighbors they closed my mouth and tried to tie my hands. I started to scuffle in which I got a cut in my neck with a small blade of a dupatta design and I was bleeding and in pain as hell, so many bruises on my body but still fought standing alone as much strength i had but finally they grabbed my hands and put me under 5 heavy blankets so that nobody could hear my voice. 2 hours passed and all I had were tears in my eyes and a thought that they were going to kill me. I couldn't breathe, they thought I'd die and then only they opened the tape from my mouth and let me sleep while locking me alone in the room. 12 hours passed without any food and water, all I can remember was my whole body in pain, lips were dried and eyes were swollen and after hours, he entered my room and was laughing at me and said I told you nobody can harm me and you have to live here. He took my phone and my degrees so that I could not do anything and he left again, locking me alone in the room. That incident taught me the real meaning of 'Provoke' and the way he provoked me, I got mad. But I calmed myself and took it as a challenge. I opened the window anyhow and jumped from it and ran barefoot towards the nearest army camp. They tried to catch me but I reached the army camp gate and they didn't come afterwards as army guards were standing there. All the villagers came and asked me what happened. The army officer came and asked if I needed any help. They took me inside the camp and warned all the villagers to stay away. I told them about me and the things that happened to me. They called my parents and they were angry, they requested an army officer to help me and booked a ticket for me to my hometown. After all this happened to me, you must be thinking that I might have returned to my hometown right. But I'm sorry to say I didn't. Again he emotionally blackmailed me. He apologized to me again infront of all the villagers and army officers and I forgave him again. I got fooled again. This is the answer for everyone who says Why don't you raise your voice at the same time when something wrong happens with you. The answer is hope and love, Yes! We hope that the person will change and everything will be alright. That doesn't mean you too should have done this, No! My dear you are stronger than me. I too had a hope and after all the things that happened in the village we decided to leave Kashmir and again returned to Punjab for the job. We joined the same firm again and continued our life. His mother and his cousins came over here to roam around Punjab. On the night of 31st December 2018 again we had an argument over the flirty chats he did again with another girl. Again we had a scuffle and with a hope i looked at his mother and again she broke my trust and said his son is never wrong and will get many girls for marriage. This broke me from inside but I had enough. No more forgiveness, no more hope, no more love. I packed my bags and went to Delhi airport without looking back this time. The time I reached Delhi airport, the new year began, the whole world was celebrating New year 2019 and indeed it was a new year, new life for me. It was tough but finally I ended the hope and love I had for him and moved on. After 2 years, with a mutual divorce we ended our relationship without asking for any alimony from him and ended our chapter. You must be thinking I should have filed a case on him for domestic violence, though you all are right but after all the tortured they have done with me, i still thought about his old mother and his family, it was a battle of a mind and heart and so i forgave him but this time didn't returned back to him. They already suffered when all the villagers came to know about them. Their pride and fake status were destroyed after the incident happened in front of army camp. Though those who are suffering like me, you don't have to forgive, you are stronger than me. I know it's tough to fight with domestic violence because in every case the victim thinks of himself/herself as a part of a family and hopes for a change. Mostly in domestic cases, the utmost required is the support of the victim families. 'Betiyo ko Vida kijiye par hamesha k liye Alvida nahi', gives support to victims to overcome from the pressurized society and log kya kahenge thoughts. I was lucky to have such a family. They supported me in everything. So here is the answer to all those who are finding Love and in search of love, that love is already with you in the form of your Parents. Yes! The affection and love by every parent without asking anything in return from their children is the epitome of True Love. True love is within you, so love yourself no matter what. Trust me, I know it's the toughest thing to do. In search of love don't lose yourself, don't lose your hope and your peace. Learn to have tranquility within you. Presently, I'm happy, bold and at peace. I found my love in the form of UPSC. Now, how UPSC came into my life. What is the role of UPSC in the way of love? It's like a Swades movie scene, for the first time I have visited my hometown in a village. Being an army brat we used to transfer from one place to another place and hence never got a chance to visit our own village as none of our grandparents were alive. When I came to my village, I was shocked by seeing the condition of the tribal people. Yes! I'm a tribal girl. No proper roads, medical facilities, proper schools and no water facilities for poor people. Only the politicians and rich people are surviving well enough but the condition of poor people is devastated. Several cases of Typhoid and Malaria in the hospital which is the only hospital in the village. I learned if you can't change something, be the change you want and my journey for Upsc has begun. June 5th 2022 is going to be my first attempt at the Upsc CSE and will keep trying till my last attempt. This is for the people and by the people. My pledge to bring a change in this corrupted world is going to be tough but what I survived is more than a death. I know the paths are tough but now it gives me immense peace because I'm doing this for the people I love, for myself because I found my love within me as a helping nature towards the needy people and mankind. You also must have thought why I didn't mention my name and his name in the story because I don't want to target any one community just because something wrong happened with me. It's easy to target any religion, caste and any community but what nobody teaches you is that when something wrong happens, it's the individual who has done wrong, don't drag his/her community down because not all are the same. To all the women/men out there, be the change you want to be, be brave and courageous and don't hate the word Love just because your past wasn't good. People are wrong, not love. So be in love with yourself and spread love. Finally I found my love. My story of love on the way to the UPSC will be complete when I'll crack the UPSC and will become the first tribal IAS officer of our village, till then to be continued.