I don't like the memories because the tears come so easily. Once again, I find myself breaking my own promise as I look back on what was the end of my dream and what was also the start of my nightmare.
It's a constant battle.
A war between remembering and forgetting, and I can't decide which side to choose. If I remember, my determination grows weaker and fades away in the stifling but golden memories of my childhood. While forgetting stokes the vengeful fire within me and keeps me from stumbling in the darkness, it also tightens its grip on my determination. Forgetting is blissful in its blindness and remembering is crumbling in my longing to go back. Back to a world above the surface where filth and the rotten stench of despair is non-existing and forced labor doesn't cloud the senses and oppress the mind of the oppressed. A world of light and tall skies which seem endless with only white clouds painting it another color than the purest blue. A world where my body isn't weighed down by my sin of existing, while the freedom of fresh air is denied me. .
This is my reality and I need to remember how to survive and how to get better at it.
There once was a time when my life was different, though my memory of it has turned vague and hazy. I remember gentle fingers slowly stroking my rosy cheeks and a warm smile lighting up the room as if the sun had made its entrance. A mellow voice softer than the fresh spring breeze would flow from her lips and hum a melodious but long forgotten melody. Green eyes, that reflected my own, would penetrate my heart with their loving gaze, which only a mother is able to do. They would fill me with tranquility and a feeling of safety. My memory of her fades for every year but sometimes I can still feel her brushing through my long red tresses as the curls would hug the brush in protest to her action. She would laugh like the calming sound of rain falling on the river, while slowly detangling my hair in comforting strokes. I remember how she would sing me to sleep and how her embrace rocked me to sleep better than any lullaby ever could.
I never thought it would end.
But it did.
That day is still is slightly hazy in my mind, but I recall being abruptly lifted in my mothers' arms as we rushed through the forest in the dark of the night. The panting breaths' which escaped my mother's pale lips echoed in my trembling heart as she ran with all her might and the sounds behind us grew larger in their pursuit. I remember the smell of fear and how the forest beneath us swallowed the sound of our escape as if to help us hide in the night but to no avail. I remember my pale fingers clutching her clothes in a tight grip, as her blood painted them in a vivid red at my efforts.
As the torches lit up the night like a bloody fire, I saw the expression of my mother turn even more frightened and desperate. Tears formed in her eyes, and I felt her small arms tighten around me as if afraid someone would suddenly take me away from her. I clung to her and focused on her galloping heartbeat and the warmth of her skin against mine. I filled my nose with her scent to calm down but still felt my tiny body shaking like a trembling leaf.
I was afraid.
She was afraid for both of us, and I felt it with every pore of my being. I now know that I was too innocent to comprehend, the kind of danger we were in and too young to understand why we were running.
My sensitive nose picked up the scent of our approaching pursuers as they closed in on us. Their foul stench surrounded me and with it came the underlying scent of death and violence. It seemed like The Grim Reaper himself was gaining on us as we desperately tried to outrun him. Green desperate eyes scoured the forest around us for an escape but found only looming trees and a lonely night around them. My mother turned her loving eyes towards mine and time suddenly seemed to stop as if to give me time to remember the shape of them. Shaped like fresh almonds, her upturned eyes had always been beautiful and serene to gaze upon, while the small flick at the corners whispered of a strongwilled woman. She hugged me even closer and nuzzled my cheek with her own and I felt something wet land on my face.
She was crying just like me and as her tears scorched my skin, I raised my hand and tried to catch some of the escaping drops to no avail. They slipped right through my pale fingertips as if they were trying to evade my grasp.
Her gaze grew determined and as she took a sudden turn, she jumped into the sky and landed upon a sturdy branch in a nearby tree, high above the ground. As the air flew by my sensitive ears, I instinctively held on even tighter as we landed on the branch, which wobbled with our weight. Without hesitating my mother slowly sat down on the innermost place of the branch and leaned against the tree in an exhausted manner. She tried to catch her breath while her arms around my tiny trembling frame didn't lessen one bit. Her lungs inhaled the surrounding air in hungry gulps, as if they hoped to trap it inside, before quickly exhaling. My small arms still clung tightly to her warmth and the feeling of her skin against mine, calmed my beating heart to a slow rhythm. Enclosed in the arms of my mother, I felt safe and protected, but the reality was very different from that feeling.
As her breathing stabilized and my shaking subsided to a slight shiver, one of her arms around me slowly loosened, while the other stayed lovingly put in a strong grip. As her long slender fingers dug through the pockets of her clothes, her movements became more and more rushed as the pursuers neared the tree. As their voices echoed through the forest and the ferocious flickering torches lit up the night, I was struck by the urge to take my mother and run. Run so far, that they could never find us. If my back was bigger, I could have carried her. If only my frame was taller, I could have protected her. If only I was just a little braver, I could help her.
Instead, I could only cling to her wounded body and feel her desperation seep through her voice.
"Where is it? Where is it?!" Her voice was frantic as her hand didn't find what it was searching for and even though I didn't know what she was looking for, I started raising my small hands and searched her clothes together with her. My fingers still had her blood on them, and they left screaming marks on her pretty clothes. A small chuckle left my mom as she felt my chubby fingers pat her down and her shoulders relaxed as her breath slowly evened out at my action. As my fingers reached for the inside of her pocket on the right side of her pants, I felt something cool and smooth against my searching skin. As if being pushed toward me, the object was gradually enclosed in my sweaty palm and a feeling of serenity settled over my very being. I retracted my hand from the pocket and as the object was exposed to the shimmering light of the moon above, I could finally see what it was.
A thin golden necklace with a ruby the size of my fingernail rested upon my hand in a tranquil manner. As the moonlight hit the surface of the ruby, the stone turned almost liquid as it reflected the light. I couldn't help gazing at its beauty and the more I looked, the more the ruby reminded me of the time, I scraped my knee and the blood had pooled together on the floor. A beautiful color of red, which seemed almost alive in its vibrancy.
As my mom realized that I had found what she was looking for, a small glimmer of hope flashed in her grassy eyes. She gently took the necklace from my palm and held it toward me, as she was about to put it on my exposed throat. Her gentle eyes locked with mine and the green within had never seemed more alive and determined than in that moment. As her hands carried the necklace towards my head, I found myself struggling to keep still, as if my body was protesting its touch.
"Don't be afraid, my love". Her voice tickled my ears like a loving feather and my body slowly relaxed with the rhythm of her words. My green eyes met hers, so like my own, and as her trembling hands waited in front of me, I stopped moving and slowly leaned forward towards the necklace.
"Good girl. You're doing so good, baby". She was always quick to compliment me and as always, her face lit up in a slightly proud manner as she observed my actions. A sudden warmth filled my chest at her compliment, and I almost forgot where we were. In that moment, I was just her little girl, who did a good job.
Reality quickly forced me out of my warm illusions.
"Now baby. I want you to listen to mommy, okay? Can you do that?" Her voice was firm as her eyes found mine in an unrelenting grip. My heart started squeezing in my ears and the beat resounded in my head, but I still nodded in an obedient manner.
"Some things will soon change, and I don't think I can be there for you, when it happens".
She continued. Her voice was trembling with every spoken word and only the rustling of the leaves around us bore witness to her tears as they rolled down her freckled cheeks. I used to follow each tiny spot with my fingers and draw different animals with her freckles. As my mind conjured up pictures of elephants, cats, and frogs on her face, she would smile gently down at me with a toothy grin.
"This necklace will change you a tiny bit, but you must never take it off or tell people about it okay? Please don't ever take it off, honey. Can you do that for mommy?"
I don't think, I understood the gravity of her words back then, but I still nodded silently as an answer. My tongue felt heavy in my mouth and my lips were trembling in a silent sob. I didn't want her to leave me, and something told me, that I should not let her leave. I was terrified.
"Listen to mommy now...".
As if trying to keep her voice steady and staying strong in the eyes of her child, she took a deep breath before she continued with a reassuring smile on her face.
"You see those people chasing us? They love playing games, so we're gonna play a little game with them now, alright? Just like we did yesterday but this time, we're gonna play tag. You love tag, don't you?
"Dey scary! I don't wanna play with dem! They hurt mommy, sho I won't play!". I shook my head and tried to hide my face away in her shoulder. If she couldn't see my face, then she couldn't force me. It's a silly thought and it didn't work, of course.
"That's too bad… Mommy was reeaally looking forward to playing with her little pumpkin and I bet, you and I can outsmart them, since we're both so clever. Don't you wanna play with mommy?" As I peeked out from my hiding spot in her shoulder, I saw a slight smirk cover her lips as her eyes twinkled at me. She seemed so relaxed and carefree, as if we had all the time in the world.
As I slowly nodded my head in response, a small sliver of confusion ran through me. Something seemed terribly wrong with this but as her stubborn eyes met my own, I couldn't find the words to object. My eyes searched the surrounding forest floor and found our pursuers closing in on us.
"Mommy, are dey de taggers?" My head tilted to the left side in puzzlement as my question left my lips. My small fingers squeezed the soft silk on her shoulder as she answered.
"Exactly honey, so we can't let ourselves be caught, alright? You have to do your best to escape, so you can win the game and get a prize." With her words, her eyes warmed, and a slight smile decorated her beautiful features in a calming glow, as if trying to outdo the moon high above us.
"Prize? Can I have trawberry tart if I win?" A sliver of excitement had entered my voice as I dreamed of the treat, which I rarely had. My mother made the best strawberry tarts and they had always been my favorite. I even cried once, when I slipped and dropped one on the floor, to the amusement of my mother.
As my words filled the night, another small teardrop escaped my mothers' eyes and slowly slid down her cheek. As if trying to hide it, she pulled my into a tight hug, as if trying to hide my away from the world around us. As my cheek rested against her chest, her tired heartbeat sent echoes through my small body. A trapped sob raked her frame, before she choked out an answer.
"Of course, baby... You can have as many, as you want. We'll eat so many, that our stomachs burst, alright?" Even though she was crying, her voice still carried a trace of laughter and tranquility. In that exact moment, I wasn't afraid. As she slowly loosened her arms around me, her voice stabilized, and her gaze grew firm once again.
"Now, honey. When I jump down, I want you to jump down into those bushes and start running. It doesn't matter what you hear, and it doesn't matter what you see. You must keep running, do you hear me? I'll be right behind you, so you just keep running and don't let anyone tag you, before I get to you".
As her voice threatened to crack at the end, I had a terrible feeling come over me, but I was too young to comprehend the meaning of the warning.
"Mommy! Mommy, I don't wanna run alone! We go together! Away from da taggers and then we find grandpa! Grandpa can help us, so I won't run!" As my sobs escaped and my words flowed as freely as my scorching tears, I clung to my mother with all my strength. I held on as if that would change something and I dreamed of my strong grandfather, swooping down from the sky to punish our pursuers and take us with him. I would be sitting on his tall shoulders, and he would tickle my fingers as I observed the world from the top of his head. I could see everything and almost touch the sky as he carried me, while my mother would laugh at our antics.
Instead, I only felt my mother carefully pull me closer to her as if she wished she could hide me away from the rest of the world and its unfair cruelty. I felt her need to feel my existence and my warmth against hers.
"My dearest treasure... Your Grandad is waiting for you. You're going to have to do this on your own. When you run, don't forget how very special you are. We both love you with every fiber of our being and we never regretted anything. I've never been happier since the day, I first held you in my arms so please do this for mommy. I'll be right behind you, I promise."
As she said this, I really wanted it to be true. I so dearly wished for it but as she slipped the necklace over my head and she slowly kissed my forehead, I knew this would be the last time that I saw her.
I would never again feel her warm skin against my own and I would never be able to complain about her horrible cooking again. She was always known for her baked treats, but she was always helpless in front of a stove.
She would never chase me around the garden or blow raspberries on my belly when she caught me, and I would never hear her precious lullabies either.
I couldn't imagine a future without her in it, but as she saw the changes the necklace brought to my face and body; she released a tiny breath of relief. I looked down, but only saw the necklace disappear against my skin, even though I could still feel its weight on my neck.
"Listen baby, I want you to repeat after me, alright?" As she said so, her eyes kept looking beyond the trees and she knew that they were running out of time. "Repeat after me: 'I am a boy'".
"But mommy, I am not a..." She stopped me before I had the time to finish my protest.
"I know you're not baby, but it'll be our little secret. Try again for mommy alright? 'I am a boy'". Her gaze penetrates my frightened eyes and as the grassy plains within them turn to flowing liquid, as the pursuers step into sight. I slowly open my mouth in a confused whisper and repeat her words.
"I am a boy". Her sorrowful smile warms my heart as her body tenses in preparation for what is about to happen. Her gaze shifts to the men nearing the tree on which we're hiding, and a low growl slowly penetrates the night from the depths of my mothers' throat. It sends shivers down my spine even though it is not directed at me. I feel protected and warm with every vibration.
Her strong arms swallow me in a final tight hug, as her legs push off against the branch underneath us, and the cold night air rushes past our ears. As her scent surrounds me and her warmth soaks into my body, my fingers once again unconsciously cling to her in a desperate attempt to stay in her arms. I grip her so tightly that my fingers start to cramp and sweat gathers on my back. As the ground comes closer and my mothers' feet once again find themselves on the cold soil, the scent of strangers and danger assaults my nose in a frenzy. I feel my body being lowered towards the ground as the warmth around me is replaced by the frigid cold air of the unmerciful night. My fingers still cling to my mothers' retreating figure and I force her to fall to her knees at my refusal to let go. I can hear our pursuers coming closer but my body refuses to release her. I feared, that if I did, I would probably never see her again and I couldn't bear the thought.
"Please baby... Let go of mommy's hand. This is where the game starts, remember? I'll be right behind you, I promise you, I'll be right behind you". Her mellow voice fills my heart, but it doesn't calm me. I felt my heart slowly breaking and dried tears were replaced with new ones. I shook my head in her bosom in refusal.
My hands didn't obey her and as the bad men came closer, a sense of desperation filled my mothers' voice as she tried to coax me.
"Come on, love. Didn't you want to eat strawberry tart? How can you win if you never play the game? Let go of mommy, let go." She said with a slight laugh, as if I was only being silly and we were back in our cozy cottage.
I slowly shook my head again and held on even tighter. I couldn't and I wouldn't leave her. Not for all the strawberry tart in the world.
With a troubled sigh, her hands quickly cover my own and slightly pulled them away from her body. I tried to struggle as I felt my fingers disappear from her skin, but she easily held them both in her hands, while my eyes stung from the salty tears escaping them. My hands were soaked from the red liquid seeping from her wounded frame, but she didn't seem to notice as her hands were painted the same colour. I felt as if my world was breaking apart around me and the shattered pieces were slowly disappearing. Her warm hands enclosed mine in a tight grip, as she kept me at eyelevel with her. Her beautifully freckled face was pale from blood loss and tired from running, but her eyes were warm and loving as they stared deeply into mine, as if trying to eternalize them in her mind.
I felt her hands tighten around mine in an almost painful grip as she slowly approached my face and her lips pressed softly against my forehead. It felt as if time itself had stopped as her warm lips touched my skin, and her hands released mine and moved to my shoulders. I felt her throat choke on a sob, which she desperately tried to hold back as her lips once again left my forehead. I just stood there rooted to the place as her hands on my shoulders tightened and my world shattered with her receding heat.
"Run". Her lips parted and as the word left her lips, she pushed my body straight into the bushes behind us and afterwards turned around in a crouch towards our approaching pursuers. My back hit the soil at her push and as the shock left my mind, I quickly stood up and looked towards her. My gaze was obstructed by some of the branches from the bush and as I tried to walk towards her, her low growl stopped me in my tracks.
She looked back at me a final time and as I stood inside the bush, hidden away from the cruel world, which chased us, I could only stare in fright as she slowly ran forward into the trees in front of us and disappeared, leaving only the rustling leaves as witnesses to her departure.
"I love you, my dearest... Run as fast as you can and win this game ".
The wind carried her final whisper to my ears and as the wind died down, so did her voice.
I stood rooted to the spot underneath that bush and tried to make my feet move.
She wanted me to run.
I just need to run, so I could win the game.
She told me to win and then we'd eat strawberry tart together.
My mother would never lie to me.
She would keep her word.
She always kept her word.
With that thought in mind, I forced my small chubby feet to obey and turned around and ran away. Even as the sounds of fighting and violence prickled my ears, my feet kept going. Even as the smell of blood got thicker, I still ran with all my might through the lonely night, hidden away by the green foliage around me.
I just kept running, believing that sooner or later, I would hear my mothers' footsteps behind me. Soon I'd hear her melodious voice reach my side and she would kiss my cheek as we escaped together.
But she never did.
And I found myself tagged.