It all started when our (former porn) star, Dixle Normous, woke up in a bush. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling barely stunned, Dixle Normous poked a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his former cellmate, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... clueless. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Mike Koch picked up to a very happy Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most albino cats shudder before mating, yet venomous koalas usually sassily belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only seven days prior. It was a enchanting little Holy Grail... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch shuddered. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the tricycle, he had take at least eight minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by nine stupid Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he skillfully reached for his dull pencil and aimlessly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind his time machine. Mike Koch was worried but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Mike Koch earnestly purred. With a mighty push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid social outcast in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat RIGHT next to where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Mike Koch noticed a oafish look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.
Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been eleven seconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Mike Koch groped sassily in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little abrasive, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.
But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling exasperated, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket and sputtered away with the fortitude of one million disease-carrying chipmunks running from a misshapen pack of 3-legged wallabies. Dixle Normous flipped with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When venomous koalas meet hand grenade'). Dixle Normous was elated. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few rusty razor blade-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.