"So I guess what I'm saying … is that I want to break up." Max says releasing a heavy breath. I freeze for a moment before I continue sketching. I don't bother looking up, but I could feel my hold on my pencil tighten.
"It's not that I don't love you or that I ever stopped, it's just … I don't feel the spark anymore." He continues with a frustrated groan. "I keep trying to look for it but it's not there and … it's not working."
I press the tip of my pencil harder against the tensing paper but don't say anything.
"Feli, can you please look at me?" He pleads and I stop drawing before shutting my eyes. I take a deep breath, pushing the rising tidal waves of emotions down before I look up at him.
Of course he was looking at me as if he was the one hurting, with stupid those doe eyes I fell for to begin with.
"Say something- please, Fe." He says making my fingers curl at the nickname only he used.
When the pencil snaps, I release a breath before shutting my sketchbook close and stuffing it into my bag. I could feel my rage rising and if I wasn't careful, I'd probably do something horrible.
"You don't see this going anywhere and you want to end things." I say packing up my stuff. "There's no spark- whatever the f*ck that is, but you still love me so … that's supposed to make things better. But it doesn't matter, because you're still ending things- just like I said you would."
"That's not fair." He says in protest as I stand.
"Not fair? What's not fair is that I'm about to drive home, alone, because you decided to break up with me instead of coming home with me like we planned." I say, now looking him in his those stupid eyes. "After telling me you wanted to meet my family and take the next step together, just last week. And now you're saying there is no next step; no future." I finish as I slide my shades on right before my eyes start glowing. "Max, that's not fair."
I don't give him a chance to reply as I sling my bag over my shoulder and quickly leave the restaurant we were having breakfast at.
I stumble out as I walk quickly to my car, slidding in before shutting the door. My hands shake foolishly as I try to push the car key into the hole, but it refused to go in.
My lips begin to tremble, my mouth falling open to scream but nothing comes out- only broken sobs. I lean against the wheel while I circle my arms around it, hating that I let myself get attached again; that I let myself love someone again, only for them to leave me … again.
I hated when my emotions became like this- when my rage became so strong it turned into sadness and my mind drowned me in sorrowful thoughts that weighed down my body more and more with each passing minute.
Goddess, what is wrong with me. …
I wipe my tears as I pull out my now vibrating phone. Looking at the caller ID, I take in a deep breath before answering.
[Hey dad.] I say as joyfully as I could manage.
[Hey kid.] My dad, Aiden, calls into the phone. [Your father is forcing me to make sure you're all set before you and Max start the drive down.]
I take a deep breath as my anger blends with my sadness. My body became rigid as the voices crawled their way into my head, just as they always did when I got too far ahead of myself. It was as though they were humbling me, mocking me, taunting me for believing that I could be anything more than the monster I was.
[Uh yeah, I'm all good.] I say after a moment. The line remains silent before he speaks again.
[Should I come get you?] He asks calmly, his voice soft and knowing. My lips stretch across shakily into a weak smile, the voices becoming a little quieter.
Of course he knew. He always knew when something was wrong.
[No, it's fine.] I say before sniffing a little.
[Is it coming back?] He asks referring to the rage.
[A little, but I'm fine.] I say once more even though we both knew I wasn't fine. [I'll see you at home.]
[Okay kid. Call me the second it becomes too much.] He says sternly and I nod to myself. [Alright, I love you.] He says with so much truth in his voice that I can't help but grin.
[I love you too, Dad.]
When he hangs up, I shove the key in finally, twisting it in and causing the engine to roar to life. I reverse out of the car park, taking one last glance at the restaurant before driving out and making my way back to campus.
Today was my last official day of university. Graduation already passed but some of us were still packing up our dorms and apartments. I just needed to get my last few boxes before setting onto the road to go home. I was supposed to be doing this with Max but I knew that was no longer an option. He was no longer an option.
After years of waiting for a mate that never arrived, I accepted the fact that I would never have one. The Moon Goddess didn't find me fit to be loved. And I suppose she was right in doing so- I was too damaged, too f*cked up, for anyone to love. There was no other half of me and I accepted that, even though my family never would.
For as long as I could remember all I wanted was love in every sense of the word. To love, to be loved, to be completely drowned in it. I thought it'd be the one thing that would fix me, or at least make me a little bit normal.
I watched for years as the beautiful bond my parents shared between themselves only grew stronger- never weaker. Despite everything my dad went through, things too similar to my own experiences, they stayed strong. Their relationship never changing, bond never breaking … it was beautiful.
And I wanted that.
Goddess knows I wanted it more than anything in the world. Because if love brought my dad peace then maybe … maybe it could bring me peace as well. I hoped it would.
So I did what few wolves dared to do- I sought out love in others; others who weren't 'made' for us but would hold us when no one else would.
It never lasted long though. They always left me … eventually.
When my phone begins buzzing once more, I try to pull myself together. Wiping away the fresh tears, sniffing quickly to clear my already stuffy nose.
F*ck I hated crying.
Once I started crying about one thing, I ended up crying about everything. Everything somehow came all at once and it became so damn hard to breathe- harder than usual.
"I swear to the Lord God above, if another person cuts me off I'm going to run my car into their's and kill them and finally kill myself too." Sam groans into the phone the moment I pick up.
This is Sammy. Well her actual name was Samantha but she claimed that was a 'bitch name', so I call her Sammy.
She's been my best friend since I was like six years old. The only person who tried to talk to me and succeeded.
I didn't like new people or new places when my dads first adopted me. According to them, I didn't talk much either and I had a bad habit of biting people, but I don't remember that.
I just didn't like to be touched by anyone back then - anyone but them.
But Sammy, Sammy didn't care. She kept sitting next to me whenever she could and she never stopped following me around, almost like a dog. She didn't seem to mind that she was the only one talking since I'd never reply or spare her a glance. She just kept coming back with a smile.
Even when she made the horrible mistake of touching me once to keep me from falling and I broke her pinkie finger. She came back the next day with a marker and her bandaged finger, asking me to sign it.
"It's the least you can do since you broke it."
I think that was the moment we really became friends and I've loved her ever since.
[Hey Sam.] I mumble into the phone. She immediately stops her rant at this.
[What the f*ck did that small br*ast, little f*cker do?]