"Jaan", the voice called me, I could feel the bile rising in my throat, I was mourning so all my sadness began to change to anger, I had to blame something, somebody, somebody has to take responsibility, I looked at my baby now covered with a white clothe and I couldn't take it anymore, I just took to my heels and walked past everybody in the room and my husband who was still standing in the hallway. I had made up my mind not to talk to Amar until I could reason clearly, I didn't want to voice out what I was thinking but Amar held me as I was going
" Jaan, please I am sorry, I didn't know you were due,I didn't know it was an emergency, Jaan I am sorry, Rashidah told me you have put to bed, Where is our baby Jaan, pls where is he?"
"You want to know where the baby is? I asked abandoning all caution,
" our baby, no, My Jalal,My Baby is gone,he is dead, he couldn't take the stress, he was stressed at such a tender age,he was neglected by his parents, but you know what, If I was him, I would have also gladly died than have parents like us,a father like you,an irresponsible father and a mother like me, a selfish mother,we are the worst combination of parents, Allah just saved Jalal from the worst parents in the world. I spat out without even caring to look at Amar, as my tears kept running down my face, I thought of something, something I could still do for my Jalal, something I had luckily learnt and mastered in islammiyyah. So I turned around and went to Doctor Jamil."I want to perform Jalal's ritual bath" I told him, my tears still finding their way out of my eyes, he simply nodded and lead me to where I could get the perfume, musk, white clothe and pure water,the least I could do is to lay my baby to rest as soon as possible.
An hour later I was done with the ritual and I went straight to my room,I remember Doctor Jamil telling me to put aside my worries and rest as I truly needed it,if I keep thinking after such stress,surgery and bleeding I had gone through,I might collapse and will have a relapse, then he told me my husband is asking to see me and I told him I didn't want to see him, so he simply nodded and left me to my woes and soon the exhaustion set in and I succumbed to sleep.
I woke up around 12 due to sedative administered to me, Ummah and Abbah were already in the hospital even Amar's parents were present, They had buried Jalal already, a news I didn't take lightly because I hadn't said my final goodbye, Ummah was quick to interfere as she explained to me that it was the doctor's advice that they shouldn't wake me because I am too exhausted and I wouldn't have woken up even if they tried since I was sedated,I couldn't say anything after that though I felt like arguing and crying and breaking something, I held it in while they all gave their condolences until Amar's mum scolded me for not letting Amar into my room, I tried to keep my temper tamed but her words just weren't the right things to say and I lost my cool again,I blamed everybody,Amar for being irresponsible, His mum didn't care about the baby at all or me, she was the reason why I didn't attend any antenatal at home, she could have advised her son to let me stay in hostel where I would get help easily in emergency situations, but all she cared about was a pregnant me going to and fro at the end of every month to accompany her for her check up, Ummah was too ashamed of my deeds to even properly inquire about my well being, in Hausa culture, for the first pregnancy, a girl goes back to her parents house at 7-8 months of pregnancy , in order to get maximum help and attention, but here I was, all alone with nobody to cry to except Raashidah, after I poured out my mind, the look on their faces made me regret everything I said and I started to question myself, maybe I was selfish, maybe I was too demanding, maybe they all tried their best but I was too blind to see it, if I keep on blaming them won't they all get angry and leave my side and to be fair I also had my fair share of faults and with those thoughts running through my head I didn't know when I started apologizing, The life of my baby isn't in their hands so they can't take it, just then Ummah hugged me crying silently, though the tears were clearly visible, she said "we are sorry darling, I'm sure thousands of apologies won't take away your pain,in fact they will do nothing to it, but my baby I need you to be strong, I need you to remember that when Allah takes something from you,he will give you a better one, I need you to look at the favours he had bestowed on you, from the fact that you are alive now, though many people had died from an even less severe condition, you got to touch, hold, bathe,pray, see your baby,some just woke up and found out that their baby was gone, some died with their babies, some died and left their babies, some gave birth to their babies but the children were left stigmatized through out their lives as a result of the circumstances they were conceived. I am not saying the death of your baby is good, but I'm saying He who took the baby from you knows what is best for you and your Baby and with patience you will get to find out what He has in store for you.
I understand your pain and you have every right to grieve and be mad at us but I want you to look around nobody is not grieving, we are all biting our fingers due to shame and regret, we know our attention might not save your Baby but it will lessen your grieve to know that we were all there for you, your husband is grieving too, this is a test for you both to pass, don't allow it to break your marriage, a couple should stand by each other In times of happiness and never let each other go in times of grief, embrace your husband and don't let the grief create distance between you two, Inshaa Allah you shall get more children that will be the coolness of your eyes" as she ended her statement she hugged me tightly again and whispered what I believe are apologies to my mother in law, who in turn just nodded her head and together they left the room, my father and my father in law followed but Amar stayed, I willed myself to be strong and try to open up to my husband, so I stretched my arms and he came running to me and embraced me in a very tight hug, my tears on his shoulder and his tears on mine