He falls next to me trying to catch his breath, and I my dignity. I turn my back on him and start crying. I don't care, I need to remove everything that is harming my build. Little by little only ruins remain of me. The worst thing is that before him I am a translucent piece, a crystal, because without doing a deep study of me he knows my weaknesses and strengths that have been consumed in hell.
I feel when he leaves the space next to me. He's leaving, as he usually does. I take a breath, repeating the inhale and exhale steadily. The cracks never opened so much in my soul and my gnawed heart never felt so much pressure than now.
"I don't know why you start crying, be thankful that you're still breathing.
"Maybe it's better to die.
"You don't want to die, Luna. "She states with sarcasm.
I don't answer him. He is an idiot, a fucking rapist and murderer. It is all that and other adjectives that define a macabre being.
"Despite being inexperienced, I had a good time," he says deliberately.
The reminder makes me nauseous, his words drive the stake deeper into my abdomen, I retch. When he has left I run to the bathroom and kneel in front of the toilet expelling the little I have eaten. The disgust lingers, I waste the minutes on the ground, crying hard. Over time, I get up and try to calm down, I have to be strong, stand up after every fall, I won't stay down, I won't let him see me like this.
A shower will make me feel better. Under the waterfall I continue sobbing; The clear liquid is pleasant, although the impact on my back causes some burning. It's wrong, I shouldn't be getting wet like that, at this point I don't care. I'm not interested in anything. I feel bad, I am in terrible condition, my emotional health is plummeting, it cannot be saved. The idea of leaving this world moves desperately through a set of thoughts that are fading.
But...
The little light that lives in me indicates that I just don't think with a cool head.
Maybe you're right. What difference does it make?
If I won't survive anyway, what's the point of filling my mind with positivity? I will not have freedom, it will not allow me to be free. That psychopath is making my last days shit and then he will give me the ultimatum.
Although it delays the last minute of my life, it has already removed the shell and begun to break down my walls. It's just a matter of when the day comes that I turn my cities into ashes.
The wait is monotonous.
Not knowing the day breaks my bones.
That night Alena goes, I don't want to look into her eyes, she always has that look of pity that reminds me of the misery in which I am. The Russian woman takes the risk of talking to me, despite being prohibited from doing so. She tries to be that sun in the middle of a miserable winter. The image that people have of Russians is wrong. Not everyone is hostile, serious and cold, Alena and Verónika have been the exception.
I don't rule out that there are more people like them out there.
"I brought dinner. How are you? "He says, I ended up making contact with her.
A grimace forms on my lips. It is not only food, but also the pill that will prevent an unwanted pregnancy.
"Evil.
He gives it to me and I gulp it down, not even bothering to drink water.
"Has he hit you? "She," he asks, getting closer, looking for new wounds in me, what he doesn't know is that I carry them inside.
"Much worse." I wipe the tears that escaped and those that are trying to come out with the back of my hand. I don't want to go into details, Alena.
"I imagine," he gives a heavy sigh. I see you've taken a bath, why didn't you wait for me? Your wounds are not healed yet.
"I know. "I shrug.
"Eat some and let me take a look.
"I have no appetite," I admit reluctantly.
My stomach will reject anything, I really don't want to have to throw up everything again. The very idea disgusts me. Alena reproaches me with a shake of her head. I know I must feed myself otherwise I will be weaker than I am. But not even aware of it, I dare to try a bite.
"At least try," he asks with notable concern.
Leave the food on the table.
"Later if I get hungry, I'll eat it," I explain just to reassure him.
"Do it, Luna. Look, I've given you an extra portion, what the man normally asks me to bring you is very little, and a girl like you needs to eat well "he confesses, smiling, the gesture is intended to encourage me to smile, I can't.
I roll onto my back and let him see my wounds.
"I'll have to clean them, I'll be right back," he says, heading to the bathroom.
I wait in bed.
While Alena does her thing, the Konstantinov thing creeps up on me. How could Elena hide her married name and her marriage? Will dad know? Maybe Grace and I are the only ones who have lived in the bubble of lies, believing only Elena Pimenova instead of Mrs. Elena Konstantinov. All this time he put a blindfold on us, because his past involves a gangster, Dimitri Konstantinov, nothing more and nothing less than a murderer.
What else don't I know?
No, the right question is, will I get stabbed again?
At the moment I feel the burning of my wounds being treated with cotton wool and that miraculous liquid, the sensation tears; I complain, and in the attempt to distract myself I get lost again along the mysterious paths of reality.
It's not fiction, it's not a nightmare or a bad dream, I wish it were. I keep the silence on my lips, I bite the lower one, holding back the cry.
What reason led Elena to abandon her little son, to distance herself from her husband?
Her cruelty, her mistreatment and the uneasiness of knowing that one day she was dead, a victim of bullets aimed at her heart. She couldn't stand being next to her anymore, everything I guess is so real, it makes sense.
Dad met Elena when she was working as a waitress in a coffee shop in New York. I imagine that in an unknown country, in trouble and without money, working as a waitress was not an option. He had no choice. After years working there she resigned after starting a relationship with my father. I was still months old, Elena took care of me. She raised me like she was her daughter. Now I understand that her maternal essence and the affection she placed in me, I unknowingly stole from Aleksander. He never belonged to me.
I can't imagine how he could have felt away from his son. With me he tried to fill the void. I don't remember seeing her cry, just because she didn't do it doesn't mean she didn't cry for the absence of her son in secret. Searching through scenes from the past, I see her paranoid, worried about exposing herself too much. I thought it was about her shy, reserved personality. Aware of the darkness of her trapped from her, away from me, I know better.
She was just afraid that that Russian would find her, that he would hurt her. That explains Dad's insistence on the need to give me a bodyguard. Like a fool, I believed that the growth of the company and the recognition received for our work made us vulnerable to the public.
I should have assumed there was an undercurrent.
"Do you know Mrs. Amber? She"she wants to take me from the dark world to one that is more austere.
"No, I don't know her. Who is she? "He found out with curiosity hovering around me.
"Dimitri's wife is also the mother of Dominic, her son with the lord.
"Next to Aleksander's father?
"Yes," he confirms. I can't believe it, if he also made his life, it's not fair that he vilely committed himself to my... to Elena. I can't call her mom again. I admit that there is resentment, resentment arises from me, I cannot change it, for the moment it is the feeling that appears when I remember her. Alena adds": Dominic is seventeen years old, he is a good boy. He doesn't look like Dimitri's son, he's good.
"That's what you said about Aleksander," I roll my eyes.
What a coincidence, he is the same age as Grace.
"No, Dominic really is different. Evil does not exist in him. From what I've heard from Gregor the cook, he doesn't want anything to do with the mafia," he reports.
Dominic, Dimitri, Aleksander, Amber... I'm starting to hate all those names regardless of who is evil or not.
God! Grace is the half"sister of the infamous Aleksander. My little girl is cruelly tied to this world. I wish I could change it, avoid this misfortune. I hate that she has to find out about her other damn family. And I fear that she will be caught by them. Every day I pray to God that she is not captured by these evil people.
"Can you do me a favor?
"Depends. I've finished.
He goes to put things away, when he returns he waits for what I'm going to tell him.
"Alena, I need you to find out about my family. Another thing, do you know if Aleksander sent him the photos?
"Photos? "I nod sadly". I don't know, there are things that are kept confidential, what I find out is due to the carelessness of some of their men who talk in the presence of Verónika or me, they know that we can't say anything. That's why everything I tell you should stay between us.