Ryou and Tomoyuki went outside at the latter's request. The sun was already slowly disappearing over the horizon, and the dim light was beginning to grow darker and darker. On the porch they huddled together, and Tomoyuki pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pockets.
"How long did it take you to come up with a plan?" he asked, lighting a cigarette with his lighter.
Taking note of the pack of cigarettes, Ryou realized that Tomoyuki had started smoking new ones.
"Been making it up since this morning."
"How come? Couldn't you sleep properly?" and Tomoyuki lowered his eyes. "To tell you the truth, I couldn't get a good night's sleep either. I was worried about today, since it was my first experience of celebrating New Year's Eve with my friends. I was looking forward to this day, but yesterday I felt sad when I thought about how many years I have lived - it all flew by quickly. Now, the melancholy of the winter season is totally throwing me off. You yourself, the gray weather at this time tears at the soul, as if it owns the expression of grievous thoughts... Am I such a crybaby?"
"It's all because you waited too long, and when you waited for that very moment, your impatience went away with all the other excitement. Whether that sounds melancholy or not, I have no idea, but today..." Ryou lifted his eyes and looked up at the dim sky, hoping to see falling snow, "...today I'm not thinking about sadness. By all means, I will confess to Yumiko-chan."
Hearing his words, Tomoyuki only took a drag on his cigarette, "They say that human feelings of sympathy are also strong in winter. Don't feel bad, Romeo."
"Hmm? Tomoyuki-chan, you say that as if you can get away with it. Have you ever had feelings for close girlfriends before, or maybe a girlfriend?"
Tomoyuki thought to himself, searching his subconscious for an answer and twisting all the memories:
"Unlikely."
"Funny as hell."
"I don't need them, because it doesn't make much difference to me. Friendship is much better, and I have enough of that in my life."
"So you haven't yet experienced that state where you want to protect your friend with all your heart. To me it's a symbol of love, because what else do you need to know you're loving?"
"Maybe you're right. In my case, I tend to protect all my loved ones. It is my love for everyone around me, and no other love with their occasions."
Ryou was slightly surprised and pondered, 'So he too is no stranger to the desire to be content with time spent with close friends. We're all so alike, I can't even believe we got close by chance...'
"How glad I am to hear you say that, Tomoyuki-chan."
Tomoyuki suddenly noticed a slight sentimentality on his face.
And then Ryou added: "I confess, I've been looking forward to this day, too... So much so that I couldn't think about anything else. It's so nice to see all of you outside of school."
"Uh-huh," he took one last puff, tossed the half-smoked cigarette into the trash without a second thought, and, adjusting the collar of his brown winter coat, took a step toward the entryway. "Shall we go inside?"
"Sure. The sun will be going down soon and it'll get colder."
"By that time, I'd like to have a meal prepared by our charming ladies!"
"Not otherwise."
'I won't take another step away from you,' Tomoyuki thought to himself. 'I don't want to go back to that abyss of hell from which I could barely escape, and only thanks to you. I will stay with you until the end of the world, until death can tear us apart.'
***
It happened a few days ago.
Tomoyuki had once again found himself in a block with only residential houses, with only one purpose in mind: to visit Takashi's mother. It had become customary for him to visit Takashi once every few months and tell him everything new over a prayer.
Thus, he found himself in the courtyard of their house. Each time she met him on the porch, quietly waiting for him to step inside, and each time, looking at her kind, grief-stricken face, he felt unsettled. A murderer, a tyrant, an executioner. His hands were smeared with blood as he entered the hallway.
'She's strong. She always looks strong and doesn't get upset when I end up on her porch. She's as scared as I am, but she doesn't show it. She is strong, and that is what separates us. I, on the other hand, am weak and afraid to face the truth.'
People tend to reach for the light even when darkness surrounds them. Their essence is fragile and weak-willed, but when a ray of light appears, hope is born in them. The one who succeeds in reaching their light becomes its source, or a candle, illuminating the rest of the darkness so that others will strive for the next light as well.
'I killed Takashi. Makoto. Jiahao. Tamaki. All those who I used to find disgusting — I have killed faith in them. I am a murderer. Not a weapon — because it only serves its purpose. Man was not born to murder. And whoever decides to take a different path is not a man."
Fusae Matsuoka. She is, in his view, a benevolent woman, always ready to listen to her interlocutors.
"Please, I'll make lunch for you now, so have a seat."
'Her tone of voice is as kind as ever, and yet I didn't really bring any present with me.'
"I'm sorry... I came empty-handed, so..."
"Oh, don't look so sad! Never mind that you came empty-handed, I should be glad at least that you come to visit and don't forget about this house, Tomoyuki-kun."
"Excuse me..."
"No one comes here, and the neighbors are aggressive — they thin of one job. Having to live alone, so I'm glad you're visiting us, dear Tomoyuki-kun."
"That's how... Excuse me again."
"All right," she smiled. "While I prepare dinner, you can wait. I suppose you can't wait to tell Takashi the news?"
'I only saw her in sorrow sad once, the second day after Takashi and his friends died, but even then... she tried her best not to be sad.'
"Thank you very much," Tomoyuki got up from his chair and began to walk up to the second floor, to the bedroom in the corner of the hall.
'She didn't believe with all her heart that I was involved in the murder, which made her visit me regularly when I was unwell. When I communicated with her... my soul was torn with despair.'
Standing at the closed door, he hesitated to open it, for his palms were again covered in blood, red droplets dripping onto the floor, drawing indistinct patterns. His shoulders trembled, causing Tomoyuki to grab them with his palms.
'It's all happening again. I can't escape.'
Pulling the doorknob at last, he was presented with the orderly room of a teenager. Not a single thing in here had been touched since this room had been cleaned. Everything was still in its place, just as it had been a few months ago.
Everything repeated itself.
Soon, as he knelt down at the small table, on which stood candles and a portrait of Takashi from his school days, he folded his palms together and closed his eyes. Afterward, his lips quirked:
"It's been a long time, and I've done so much in the meantime. I hope you're doing well over there? Matsuoka-san is once again giving me a good time. When I see her, it's like I become a different person. She's very strong, and I want to be like her. You have a great mom. Kids don't choose them."
He pulled his phone out of his pocket:
"How I wish her eyes could see your smile again in person. You know, if we'd started on a different note back then, how much the present would have changed? And by the way, I told you I'd met some new people, and here... I've already made friends with them."
He showed the screen of his phone, on the main screen was a picture with all the members of the literary club. Their happy faces, their smiles: everything about this picture appealed to the teenager.
"And we get along great! Isn't that what you wanted for me, Takashi-kun, to be truly free of our chains...? Isn't that why you diligently taught me the value of life before the end of my life? I was finally able to achieve what we both wanted. I was able to find those with whom I didn't feel sorry to show my emotions. Re-acquainted myself with the colorfulness of my God-given life... I have been able to spread my wings... and soar. I will become a better version of myself, don't doubt, I will succeed! I have infinite appreciation for my close friends, so I will do everything I can to keep those bonds of friendship alive... no matter what it costs me."
Outside from the window the rustling of the trees and the joyful cries of the children who lived next door could be heard. They ran down the road, oh, so hastily that their stomping caused the neighbor to yell at them.
"Naturally, without any negative intentions, for I realized that the device of my mind had already dared to falter several times before finally collapsing, and I had to change. I certainly won't let you down, necessarily."
After some time had passed, and after Tomoyuki was kindly made to eat lunch at Takashi's house, it was time to say goodbye. Tomoyuki couldn't sit here any longer, for he was already late for his first class.
Stepping out onto the porch, he bowed his head to the woman. This bow was the longest he had ever made, which signified his infinite respect for the person. The woman approached him, and stroking him on the head, said in a peaceful tone:
"Never give up."
Soon he stepped through the gate into the street and, after walking a few paces, pressed against the fence in despair. A ringing quiver fluttered over his head, deafening his peace.
'I will protect what I hold dear... I will definitely... become a better version of myself,' he could not hold back his tears, and he remembered Takashi. His whole body shook with fear, and his face took on a sad look. Awkwardly wiping away his tears, he remembered the cheerful faces of Takashi, Jiahao, and Makoto when they were still alive. 'I didn't hold back... I'm sorry, I'll never be able to forget all about you.'
Pulling out a pack of cigarettes, his clenched teeth gripped the cigarette. He smoked, hoping to numb the pain that came to his soul. That way, he could escape reality.
'I can't take all the pain that's come... Takashi, do you know how hard it is for me sometimes... to look into your mother's eyes...?'