A short teenager dressed in dark clothes wandered leisurely down an unremarkable street. Holding some forms in one hand, his eyes were fixed on an aimless point, as if he were mentally drowning in his own thoughts. His dazed gaze, coupled with wide-open eyes and tense shoulders, flinched now and then, letting outsiders know he was plagued by doubt. Through his dark hair, blue eyes shone through. It was Tomoyuki, fulfilling an order from Daisuke (the Social Assistance Organization).
"What am I doing here…?" he muttered, stopping and opening his mouth. "Why is this so important to me…?"
He was caught up in his own double prejudices, which eventually led him to fall into his own trap of not being able to compare his present self with his past self.
"This place, I feel like hell."
***
Isaac, who was in the hospital and could in no way graduate, was able to wish Lilia a happy first birthday. The baby's hair had only just begun to grow, and the little girl could already walk a few steps without the help of her mother or brother. The family celebrated the girl's birthday at his room.
Six months later, the father stopped regaining consciousness. The Zaleman family, who learned of this disturbing news, rushed to the hospital in the morning, and the doctors' expectations were unfortunately met. That early morning, Isaac had closed his eyes for good.
Glenn was driven to apathy, and Akina's cries could not be quieted by loved ones or the hospital staff itself. The ten-year-old son, seeing the death of a loved one for the first time, could not come to terms with Isaac's death. Being withdrawn, he left the hospital that day to get some fresh air and soothe his aching heart. Expecting to see a beautiful hospital courtyard, instead he was surrounded only by a blood-red landscape. The sun had turned red for him, and its rays scorched everything around the boy, whose expressive eyes had lost all luster. The scent of warm spring dissipated along with the extinguished soul of his father, who had gone to heaven beyond, as Glenn had hoped.
The child's worldly foundations were shattered, and his home place, ablaze in thick flames, turned to hell for him.
Isaac was mourned for several days, and quite a few people attended the funeral, including colleagues, old acquaintances, and even former patients. It was a tragic death for the whole town, for during his lifetime Isaac had a reputation as an excellent surgeon. Invisible Glenn, frozen beside the grave, gazed in despair at his inconsolable mother, ducking into the earth just scattered against the burial ground.
"Mother, was this the only way out? Was it right for you and your father to turn a blind eye to his terminal illness? Mother… you suffered more than we did, but all the time you tried to keep your grief out of sight. How much grief you had to endure — do you still have that murderous feeling of self-pity? You didn't deserve this ending, Mother.
A few days later, the mother, sitting on the couch, had not yet recovered from the emotions she had experienced and presented the impression of mild depression. At her feet lay a sleepy Lilia, already fully learning to walk freely. She heard Glenn enter the hall, and as she answered him, she saw his now detached, apathetic look again. He said he'd chosen what he had to do — he wanted to move to Japan. To a concerned question as to why there, to Japan, he replied that he could no longer endure the agony.
"For the sake of Lilia's future, Mother — our father wished for our happiness."
Watching the sleepy girl mindlessly sucking on her finger, Akina was struck by the insight that fate itself had brought to her mind. Smiling, her mother stroked the golden hair on Lilia's head.
"Mother tried to comfort me by agreeing to my every childish whim. I wouldn't say I would have been able to stay in Germany, because it put a lot of mental pressure on me at the time. Think, even then my mother understood me half-heartedly, for we were on the same boat."
Glenn, whose thoughts floated between time and hopeless emptiness, found himself in the vast dusky space he had created, where he sat on a wooden chair that seemed to have been in his father's attic. His hands held a plate with a lighted candle, which served as the young man's only source of light.
"My father told me that I had the right to choose my own path. Was this his way of explaining that I didn't have to follow in his footsteps? But what could such a decision have to do with it? For one thing, I didn't know much about my father's parents, but the more I learned about him from his stories, I wondered why he had things he kept from me."
The flame that emanated from the top of the candle danced majestically in the wind, but gradually its magnitude began to increase, and the light took over more and more of the room. Glenn's resigned face stared at the fire, and eventually his ears stopped picking up whispers and women's cries.
"How could I have misjudged you, Father, that work was dearer to you than family? My childhood memories were distorted by my own resentment toward my mother and your questionable decision — I could not grasp the essence. Father, I am truly grateful to you for providing for my family and making me happy. I can't believe you had time to take care of everything you treasured while you yourself were troubled.
Light flooded the entire space, leaving the darkness to flee in despair. The young man's sleepy eyes slammed shut as soon as he felt the lightness deep within. Everything around him evaporated, and soon, as he slowly opened his eyes again, the teenager felt some kind of weakness in his body. The boy lay in the daylight on the hospital ward and felt a glimmer of harmony in his ears unheard of before. He came to his senses and lifted his head and cast his eyes over his relaxed body.
"How many days have… gone by now?" he touched his hand to his face and pinched his cheek lightly. He was surprised at how easily he could think now, for he remembered exactly nothing from his dream except a pleasant aftertaste, as if Glenn had managed to manage the excitement that had overtaken him for a long, long time. A smile involuntarily appeared on his face as he accepted the fact that he had survived.
As the crimson sunset was already falling outside, the members of the literary club invaded Glenn's hospital room at both of their requests. All except Tomoyuki, who had announced earlier that he would not be able to show up that day. As they sat in the chairs arranged around the small room, they could not reveal a word against Glenn, who lay meekly on his bunk. How unhappy and anxious they were revealed their sad faces. The clock showed the wee hours of the evening — 6:00 p.m.
Glancing over at each of them, Glenn, frustrated by his friends' silence, quietly said: "I'm sorry," to which Ryou could not respond in a non-defiant manner.
"You're reckless!" and wiped Ryou with a tear.
Glenn silently agreed.
"Glenn-kun," said Yumiko, "please understand us. All our thoughts flew away as you fainted. How are you doing, have the doctors said anything?"
"Nothing new," he averted his eyes. "It's the same as always — they won't say anything new as long as they themselves are as ignorant as the rest of us."
"We, if you understood, were only thinking of you," Akiko added, not really knowing whether to be angry at Glenn or happy to see him awaken.
"I understand, thank you."
"Is that all you have to say?"
"I..." he put his hand to his chin, "more than ever I share your concern. Right now, it's like I'm in a bunker, unable to go out into the outside world. What news has happened and what you've been able to go through is left for me to catch up on."
"The obvious thing," Yumiko lowered her eyes. "You've been lying unconscious for about a week, after all…"
The dark-eyed man dared only nod. The heat of grief and clouds hung over the room. In the end, Glenn had to give a full account of what had really happened in the last years of his life, and in explaining every last piece of the puzzle, he didn't miss the story of how he had met Mari, the servant girl.
When it came time to tell about his illness, his shoulders grew firmer and firmer, but how surprised he was when his friends only warmly accepted his thoughts.
"From now on, Glenn-kun…" stated Akiko, "we will all share your feelings," and Yumiko and Ryou nodded. "The hardships you went through alone are of course imprinted on your memory forever, but now, rest assured, you will not find yourself alone again…" tears slipped from her eyes. "At least I will accompany you!"
"Akiko-chan, don't think you're the only one here," Ryou embarrassed, and the brown-eyed schoolgirl agreed with his words. "Glenn-kun, after all, is our mutual friend."
Glenn was amazed at their sincerity. They soon moved on to more pressing topics.
"So Tomoyuki-kun couldn't make it today…"
"Yes," Yumiko replied. "He alerted me that he wasn't feeling well right now."
The pink-haired friend also assured the dark-eyed man not to worry about paying for his treatment anymore, "The treatment, fortunately for you, has already been paid for by your significant other, so you shouldn't bother thinking too much."
"How so?" alarmed Glenn, causing Akiko's dark red eyes to open wide. "Did mother really pay for the treatment?"
"Dumbass! How many tears do you think your mom and Mari-chan have shed, just because you didn't warn them? Did you even call your mom when you woke up today?"
"No… there was no way I could connect to the outside world."
"Even the head of the Hirota clan himself came to check on your state of health! Mom was worried about you being in another country — Yumiko-chan and I had to cheer her up. God, she had barely come to her senses when she found out that the entire price of her treatment had already been paid for her, and so did we, when we were told that you could have been on the verge of death!"
"Who… could have paid for the treatment? Was it Akihito-sama?"
"No," Yumiko seemed thoughtful. "I think she asked a close relative of hers."
Glenn was perplexed as to who his relative might be. How could there be relatives in the Zaleman family if Akina had no brothers, sisters, or parents — Glenn tried to remember his father's family tree.
The next morning, by ten o'clock, he was visited by a man in his sixties, whose settling hair gave off a slight golden color, and a young man with brown hair walked with him. Remarkable to Glenn was the equally dark color of their European eyes.
"Hello," the mature man began the conversation in German, and sat down in a vacant chair. "You don't seem to remember me at all."
"Sorry," Glenn replied in German. "The nurse didn't let me know you were coming."
"You've grown a lot: you look just like your father. It's been a long time since I've seen you…"
"Do you know my father? Who are you to him?"
"I apologize for our tactlessness. I am August Weiss Zaleman, your father's older brother."
Hearing the man's name, Glenn remembered how his father used to call that name in conversations. Needless to say, his father had even arranged entire topics of conversation with his son about August, but Glenn remembered nothing.
"So you are…"
August introduced him to the young man standing next to him and said he was his son and only slightly older than Glenn.
"My name is Springer," revealed a gentle and open voice of a boy with short brown hair. "Springer Weiss Zaleman. Nice to meet you, little brother!"
"Glenn Zaleman," the dark-eyed teenager responded gently.
Glenn thanked the mature man for paying for his treatment, "I don't even know how to repay you, it's a lot of money…"
"You don't have to thank me — it's nothing compared to how happy I am that I was able to make it."
Glenn misunderstood what August meant.
"Springer is your cousin, continuing the Zaleman line, but in a different industry. So, I want to take a step toward changing the outdated tradition of our lineage so that we don't dwell on just one area of scholarship."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, I guess Dad didn't tell you. I understand him: why mush over the forgotten old stuff, so we won't either."
"I want to know more about the occupation of the Zalemans," Glenn confidently insisted, and August, unable to resist the temptation of Isaac's dark-eyed, inherited hard face, agreed to tell the most important thing (the Zalemans' adaptability to the medical field, but August assumed that this was only an excuse to praise their family name in that field because of high need, and one of the first Zalemans was a historical figure, made famous by his "golden hands").
He also explained why Isaac withheld these details from him (because of his desire to strive for the future and gift his son with independence), and also gave the reason why Isaac refused to accept treatment and continued working.
"I was sure it was because of family," Glenn reflected, and the man nodded.
"There's a second reason: Isaac wanted to make all the unfortunates happy, for the reason that he treated all people equally with respect. According to Akina, this habit your father inherited from you."
August smirked, to which the dark-eyed teenager hung his nose. He was confused and satisfied at the same time by August's answer about his father.
"But he loved his family more than anything."
The mature man's warm words and his honest assertions melted Glenn's heart, trapped in icy fetters of cold and hopelessness, and, unable to hold back his tears, he gradually wiped his eyes with his palms to hide them. The gleam in the unimpressive eyes of the teenager who had embraced the present returned as it had been before Isaac's death.
"At last," his lips quivered, "will I be able to stop wondering about this… Will this excitement disappear now, and with it all the bad things? The feelings of pleasure, of satisfaction, of sincerity… how hard it is to hide them…"
At twelve o'clock the nurse informed the dark-eyed man that Mari, accompanied by Akiko, had arrived. As she entered the office, an agitated Mari saw Glenn's slightly thinner face, and pounced on the edge of his tent, grasping his arm. She began to cry, realizing that Glenn was indeed in full health.
"I've never been happier to finally meet a man. Glenn-sama, you amaze me…"
Glenn stroked her by her ashy-blond long hair, and when he looked back at her earnest smile, he said: "I'm not worthy of your smile. Nor am I worthy of your apology, Mari-chan."
"You are not right at all, for nothing is impossible in this world. Let me think… the only way I can forgive you is if you explain to me thoroughly what you've been hiding from me, and what you've been talking to Akihito-sama about all this time."
"Ah… There seems to be no turning back."
"Of course there isn't! And there can't be, for you, Glenn-sama, made me be out of my mind as if I were worried about my own life!"
"Just tell her as it is," smiled Akiko, standing near the open window, whose hair fluttered in the wind.
After convincing the dark-eyed teenager to reveal the whole truth, Mari learned the whole picture. She learned how Glenn didn't want to cause her and Akihito any trouble by deciding to take up ordinary residence at Hirota Manor as a temporary lodger.
"Why did I keep a lot of things from you — to be honest, I did everything I could to keep you from shedding a single tear for me, for my heart grew heavy when I saw you, Mari-chan, sad. I don't seem to have succeeded in the end."
"Now I only spout tears of joy. How can I dislike you when you have changed my life for the better and given me new colors? I declined Akihito-sama's offer to continue to reside on the estate, for I considered my decision to be a path to something new. On the other hand, it was my affection for my sis that drove me to this choice…"
"Sis?" Glenn wondered, and realized that Mari was looking at the complacent Akiko at this moment. Glenn, at the sight of the pink-haired girl, wondered what a great spiritual change she has undergone lately, turning into a sincere friend.
Soon Akiko thanked him for keeping his promise to her. "You did indeed end up alive, even though you worked hard to die."
"I never break a promise, especially to an attractive girl like you."
"We'll discuss that later," Akiko smiled friendly.
"How strange… I was sure for a moment that I was going to die. So this fainting was just brought on by overexertion."
"And also a lack of awareness to your own health, irresponsibility and negligence to the surroundings. Without these factors, things would have turned out much more favorably. But why rake up the past? What's done is done, and you have to get out of your own mess."
"That's true. Thank you for pointing out my shortcomings."
Still, Glenn couldn't shake the thought of how he could have forgotten about his father's family ties, and if he had brought August into his difficulties earlier, there would have been less trouble himself, and he wouldn't have had to raise money for almost three years for treatment. On the other hand, if he had finally informed his mother much earlier, a solution would have been found correspondingly with the same outcome, but Glenn, thinking that his mother would not want to involve August in something like this, was assured that he should speak to her soon by telephone.
***
The afternoon before, at 6:50 p.m., the members had continued an important conversation, the details of which Glenn needed to know. Glenn, upon learning that someone had paid for his treatment, fell into a stupor, at which point Akiko decided to console him.
"The truth is, Glenn-kun, we paid for you, too."
"W-what do you mean?"
"The day you finally arrived at school after a month… we decided to ask Masumi-sensei. As a result, we asked her everything she might know."
"W-what are you saying?! Masumi-sensei told you about my difficulties? B-but why…"
"Because Masumi-sensei cherishes you," Yumiko retorted. "We don't know how you developed such a close relationship, but Masumi-sensei said that we, as your friends, have an obligation to know the truth."
"Oh, man…" Glenn took hold of his head. "And how much money did you add from yourselves?"
"We earned it from our job at social services. We purposely spent all our free time to help in any way we could, and we ended up making forty thousand yen…"
"So you were already working before 'what happened to me'?"
The girls nodded. Ryou stated that at least they tried, and worked desperately even after he collapsed.
"Although you dumbass couldn't ask us for help, it would have been easier to get the money together. That's why you're a jackass, because you're always worrying about others, completely forgetting about yourself."
"Thank you, Ryou-kun."
"I agree with Ryou-kun," the brown-eyed schoolgirl added. "We've always been willing to help each other no matter what. We made a promise to each other, remember? If someone was in trouble, we'd always help them through it."
"You said it yourself, Glenn-kun," Akiko said. "That's something only friends would do."
"For friends…" the dark-eyed man said, and a thought flashed through his mind that made him seem abrupt. "Did Tomoyuki-kun really participate with you, too!"
"Hmm? Certainly he was helping us, but what is it?"
Glenn's eyes shook at what he heard, and he slowly slumped his shoulders, barely coming to his senses.
"But why was Tomoyuki-kun doing this…?" he uttered, to which his friends could not make sense of what he said. "Could it be that…"
Slowly looking out the window, through which the bitter, crimson sunset was in full view, Tomoyuki's personality visited his thoughts. The crimson sun was slowly falling over the horizon, hiding among the smooth green hills and modern high-rise buildings.
***
In the meantime, confused by the passage of time, Tomoyuki was in a filthy and abandoned place, from the outside not spontaneously resembling a basement that no one's living foot had penetrated in a long time. He sat on a decrepit wooden chair, staring gloomily into a single brick that lay against a brick wall and a rectangular hole. The alienated teenager's face showed menacingness and pestilence. Both of his thin hands held a silver revolver, and he soon opened its cylinder.
"Wherever I look, I always go back," he whispered restlessly, turning to himself. "No matter what I undertake, consciously or unconsciously, my foot always treads toward the past."
There was one round in the cylinder. He put the trigger of the revolver to his forehead and lifted his head toward the dirty ceiling.
"I'm in hell."