'Again, I have failed.'
Facing the warm bed, Akiko had no desire to move. Being in meditation, her thoughts shortened that sense of her unfitness that the girl tried to hide both from those around her and from herself in order to have a reason to keep moving forward. But now, she was only in the depths of her own smoldering thoughts, falling into the center of a dark whirlpool.
'What is my weakness?' wondered Akiko to herself, and through her long lashes looked out eyes that were about to cry. 'Just then, my life became a succession of failures as I joined the literary circle for my desires. But why did it turn out that way? Am I wanting too much?'
She remembered the early days of her meetings with Ryou and Yumiko, and how Tomoyuki and Glenn joined in after them. Of all these people, Akiko was glad to meet Ryou alone. Only, why did she have to go so far, since she was disgusted with almost every member of the club? Did she have faith until the last that they would prove suitable for her close association with Ryou, who only a few months later began to turn his attention to Akiko?
'What was the foundation of my thoughts?' she closed in on herself, delving even deeper into the temple of her hidden thoughts and desires classified from prying eyes. 'Especially, for what did I work so hard to entice Ryou-kun, since it didn't work for me to begin with?' she muttered, followed by a memory of the brown-eyed girl's face. 'That's right, it's all because of her presence. By her existence, she was preventing me from getting a grip on Ryou-kun.'
Her mind lit up with anger toward Yumiko. Her unparalleled brown eyes in the bright lights made Akiko furious, causing the girl to immediately grind her teeth. In her opinion, she was also hindered by Glenn and Tomoyuki.
"And anyway, my main dream was to date Ryou-kun, re-educating him," she immediately cooled down in impunity. Her thoughts were only of the guy, and she proceeded to recall every moment she had with NishRyou ida when she got close to him. "Ryou-kun, why are you so far away from me, even though you are a few steps closer? How is it possible that I couldn't attract a guy to me? It used to be so much easier. Your pretend love with Yumiko-chan for profit pissed me off initially, but after looking at you, I realized that it would be better to take you in. To shelter you with me."
But she apparently did not succeed. One mistake she made in thinking that Ryou would be an easy target was that Akiko failed to consider that the thick-haired guy has an opinion and is not at all as vacuous as the other guys Akiko had seen earlier. Especially since Ryou himself couldn't fully accept his own identity, having doubts about the correctness of his own thinking.
Youngsters like Ryou were popularly called "troubled teens", or incomplete teens, whose goals and ideas in life were clouded and whose character was not well built. Akiko didn't understand that kind of person; to her, they seemed strange, unintelligent, and mere children.
"Why the hell would I even want this guy…?" muttered Akiko, and then pressed her lips together, covering them in shock. "Where did such thoughts come from…" she couldn't believe her thoughts, mired in contradiction. Maybe she misspoke, maybe she didn't, and her words were just the beginning of accepting her real self, which she had been hiding in every way. Even Akiko didn't know for sure. "Maybe I misspoke… I love Ryou-kun. He's my main target. What a fool, just blurted out nonsense by accident."
***
Early in the morning, Akiko arranged to meet Tomoyuki outside the square, where few people were gathering at the time. After waiting for a short time, the girl's eyes glanced back at Tomoyuki, who was approaching with a backpack on his shoulder with a carefree look. He was dressed in a dark shirt with a white T-shirt inside, and against the chilly wind he was walking in darkish jeans.
"What do you have in your backpack?" wondered Akiko as the guy got in front of her. Rolling her eyes, she headed indifferently toward the entrance to the plaza. The guy only scratched his head.
"You don't seem to be in the mood today," he reeked of slight positivity. The couple walked along the empty path inside the flat square. "After last night, I suppose?"
"We're going to the sculpture fountain."
"Hold on a minute! What is this, a date? With the very idol of my school?! What honor."
The speechless Akiko just frowned. It seemed to the guy that she wasn't giving it away, but something was really bothering her. Something she had been telling herself, presumably since this morning, and wanted to tell someone.
"Which of the ten statues do you like better?" quipped Tomoyuki to the silence around the couple.
"Dolphin."
"Really? I, on the other hand, like the bunny statue better. Shy and small, but agile, gifted in its essence to run away hare."
The youths reached the center of the square and stood near a long fountain with iron statues covered in dark paint, from whose holes water spurted out, forming fountains, surrounding the large fountain in the middle. They stood beside a sculpture of a dolphin, Akiko's favorite since childhood, and sat on the tiled curb. The girl in the skirt crossed her bare legs and rested her head on her arm.
"I'm lost in my ideals," the girl raised her eyes to the sky. "I am troubled by my reluctance to free myself, though I realize that I may be deeply mistaken in my reasoning."
"There's nothing I don't understand about you, Akiko-chan. You seem very concerned."
"Yes, I just… I don't know what I want. What do I want? Lately, I don't realize what I'm doing myself."
"Akiko-chan. I won't understand if you keep communicating in riddles."
Akiko hung her nose and looked at her thin hips and closed her eyes bitterly. Soon, she replied to Tomoyuki:
"How do people gain confidence? And patience, caution, wholeness? These qualities become alien to me each time. I begin to forget my principles and the habits that have made me here and now. Why does this happen?"
"Hmm? Since when did you have your first suspicions?"
"Since, at the Fireworks Festival. Maybe even earlier, when I became a member. I don't know for sure, but since the summer I've been bothered by the same thoughts."
"Thoughts about a loved one?"
"About wrongdoing."
With his head up, the misunderstood Tomoyuki took in a breath of fresh air, and so much so that his head ached. After cooling his thoughts, the guy turned soft and said: "I don't understand."
"Bygones," the girl leaned back from the curb with indignation and faced Tomoyuki and put her hands on his waist. "And how are your days going?" she asked, nonchalantly.
"Let me think," he lifted his eyes, in thought. "None of the things that torment you have ever happened."
"Huh? You're a real scoundrel. Rascal!"
"Oh, stop that. Better let me finish. About how people gain confidence. I can tell you from my own example — I have the will and the drive to finish what I start. Once I'm comfortable, I shouldn't relax because threats are coming from everywhere. You may consider every step you take right or wrong, it makes no difference, just don't you dare deviate. If you start, finish. If you fail, do it again. Even though there is no hope, believe in yourself."
"Ah, I see… Tomoyuki-kun, it doesn't suit you to look gloomy."
"Not for you to judge," the boy said, scratching his neck. With a jerk, he abruptly bounced off the curb, and stood behind Akiko, looking at the dolphin sculpture. She waited until hard water flowed from his open mouth.
"I won't chase anymore," Akiko stammered in impatience.
"You never came in handy."
"I know, because I'm useless," she pressed her hand to her chest, not removing her warm smile. "I can't help it. But I've lightened up. I'm not going to be bothered by thoughts like that anymore, because they're not going to get me anywhere. I only get worse by continuing to brood over them."
A primal silence closed over the area, which made the ears of Tomoyuki, who had never heard silence, feel the arrival of anxiety. Turning slowly toward Akiko, he noticed that the fountain had stopped flowing, and that the people nearby, sitting on benches to the side, had fallen motionless silent. The lull was ended by a woman's lips, from whose humble lips it slowly announced:
"Right now… I want to see the fountain."
The fountain finally emitted sharp jets of water from every crevice, creating a perfect symphony of flowing lines. Akiko's eyes shone in spiritual delight at the sight. The sight reminded her of her childhood, when she was always asking her mother to go to the square together. She blurted out a childish, joyful smile.
Seeing her pleasure, Tomoyuki erupted in disdain. The guy clearly didn't want it to end on that note. Akiko should not find deliverance this way, he plotted in his thoughts. His ruthless lips quirked as the pair immediately felt a sharp gust of cool wind that straightened their sleek hair.
"I hate you."
"What?" she turned to Yamasita with a questioning face. She couldn't hear the guy's quiet words over the wind.
"Forget it."