'You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel.'
In her first year of high school, Akiko was still a young girl, with dark hair and dull eyes. She was an ordinary schoolgirl, but without wanting to be, she was notable for most of the guys who were crazy about her. The other girls weren't too attracted to this arrangement, and over time Akiko began to notice the keen eyes of her classmates around her more and more often. The girls' gloomy, judgmental eyes that stared at her every move drove the girl into an abyss of thought. Akiko had no luck with her school and her society, where gossip and human creepiness reigned supreme.
She was looking for a support person who could help her in difficult situations, and cheer her up when necessary. Her hidden search is crowned solid failure, because the girl did not know how to talk to such bright people, and what topic to start, to seem even the slightest bit interesting. At the time she thought that only with such people could she communicate and feel open. It made her uncomfortable to realize her unimportance, but the girls didn't care, because she was being stared at by unintelligent, faceless guys.
To dispel her fear, the young teen listened to relaxing jazz combined with the sounds of nature and space, as well as sonatas by Austrian and German composers. Mimicking the pianist's hands affected her inner world, as if she were actually playing the piano with her fingers, pressing every button. The music of tranquility played in her mind.
One day, she was summoned to an empty office by a teacher, from whom there were many rumors that the man was a lover of schoolgirls. That day the girl's ears rang with the music of horror, as if trouble had caught up with her vicious soul, dissolving every hope of humanity among men. The vile teacher threatened the silly girl that she would get bad grades in his subject, resulting in Akiko's ineligibility for admission to the next school year.
The teacher demanded that she do a humiliating act that teenagers should not do or even think about doing with their years. The filthy man grabbed her fragile shoulders with his stiff, chubby hands and forcibly pulled her to his ungroomed, fat body. He said that her parents had let her into the school for a reason, and it would be oh so bad if Akiko failed.
Akiko's mind went blank. The shocked girl couldn't think of such an abomination that could happen to girls her age. The teacher who had always supported her previously rotted away in the darkness in the girl's devastated eyes.
The key-locked door swung hastily open with a loud clang, scaring the teacher away and cooling Akiko's hopelessness. A student, slightly older than the girl, appeared in the office.
"Bastard, how dare you?" gritted his teeth at the furious stranger, piercing the teacher with his sharp, brown eyes.
"W-what are you d-doing here?" fumbled the fat teacher, who was thrown into a fever. "The office is locked!"
The student drew a spare key to the study demonstrably from his pocket, and twiddled it with his finger. The teacher wondered how that could have happened. From that second on, his career and quiet life were over.
The guy defended Akiko, discouraged by his actions, leaving the rest to both the principal and the emergency police. Soon, they were standing in a hallway empty of people's glances, propped up against a wall. Akiko's downcast eyes seemed cute to the boy, but he never got around to introducing himself to her. As the sun set bitterly beyond the distant horizon, he thought it was about time.
"You're the one… the one who walks around with the students all the time… the womanizer," Akiko began the dialogue, which made the young man grab his stomach and laugh heartily. His bright face represented good-naturedness and incorruptible sincerity, and his eyes sparkled with joy. His feat Akiko worshipped as never before.
"Is that really what the people around me think of me? Ha ha! Whatever the case, I'm happy I made it in time. You can call me Kinoshita. That's my name, aren't you?"
"Akiko…"
"What a beautiful name. It suits you perfectly, Akiko-chan."
"Th-thank you…"
This was Akiko's first time talking openly to a peer who cared about her. From the look on Kinoshita's face, the girl made sure that the ground of this guy's acquaintance was not a desire for profit, but only pure interest in her new friend. Harmony reigned around them, carefully soothing Akiko's heart from all troubles. They became friends, and she found the man she could call a support. But soon, Akiko's frequent presence around Kinoshita alarmed the young man's close friend. Her eyes blurred into stern nonchalance as she spotted the new acquaintance along with her old friend.
One day, unwilling to endure any longer, the stranger prevented their intimacy by blocking their way in the middle of the school break. Akiko remembered instantly that this girl was the idol of their school. It was understandable by her excessive cleanliness and grooming for beauty and image. She was known throughout the school — Nanami-chan herself approached the inconspicuous Akiko and her tall friend.
"Kinoshita-kun, let's go," she stated imperiously, but there was no will to dominate in her voice. Nodding with a smile on her face, Kinoshita involuntarily dashed after her, leaving only a bottle of unfinished juice on the wall. Akiko was absorbed in the questions, standing there wondering why the young man left in a flash without saying goodbye. Nanami's face only gave off a look of pity for Akiko.
A few days later, Kinoshita let Akiko into his social circle, which consisted of three stylish guys and three other girls. They had been friends since kindergarten, and their inseparable closeness was shown by their open actions toward each other. Nevertheless, all but the silent Nanami were loyal to the new acquaintance. Akiko thought that she would never become as close a friend as they were, and it was hard to fit her into the conversations. This fact was illuminated by an event in which she and Akiko gathered together on an overcast day at a karaoke club in the middle of an intersection of narrow streets.
In the middle of the time, when the guys were in full swing at karaoke, Akiko and Nanami sat on the couch, quietly looking at the guys singing along to the rhythm of a modern song. With indifference Nanami looked at Akiko, and the girls' eyes met.
"Do you know what 'Inseparable Shadow' is?" asked Nanami, breaking the silence around the two of them. "Everyone should have one to make them feel alive. An inseparable shadow is the closest friend you can trust with your life, giving every last drop of yourself in return. My Inseparable Shadow is Kinoshita, this is the truth. And you, Akiyama-san, who is your Inseparable Shadow?"
Akiko, after the girl's strange question, wondered to herself if she had such a person. Without realizing it herself, as the question began to worry her, she was unable to give Nanami an answer.
Some time later, on Nanami's whim, she and Kinoshita and stepped out of the karaoke bar for some fresh air.
"Kinoshita-kun, I'd like to talk to you," Nanami looked out into the dim street, hiding her face from the young man.
"Tired we are, I suppose, for the day," Kinoshita pulled up, straightening his back. He simply let Nanami's words pass his ear, making her wince.
"Yes," snapped Akiko's fingers, cheerfully.
"Hey, Akiko-chan," the guy added again with an interested look, "Come again with us sometime?"
Suddenly, Nanami turned sharply toward the young man, raising her angry and sad eyes. She was clearly jealous from her quivering lips.
"Kinoshita-kun, will you stop already?" announced Nanami, desperately. "Can we stop with Akiko-chan already?"
"Hmm? What are you talking about, Nanamine?"
"I don't understand… Without looking, maybe I've made you angry somewhere foolishly? Why don't you notice me?" fluttered the wind in her hair, exposing the despair in her thawed voice. "Most importantly, with the appearance of Akiyama-san, you... became unhinged. It's as if you've begun to withdraw from us…"
"No… How come, I would never—" Nanami interrupted the young man's aggravated sadness.
"I'm getting tired of this schoolgirl walking around with us!"
Akiko's mouth fluttered open in a breeze. A harsh, unkind song rang in her ears, encompassing the frightened girl's mind.
Hoping Kinoshita would finally come to her senses, overpowered by the hatred in what she said, Nanami continued:
"Who would you choose, me, or Akiyama-san? Kinoshita-kun, who is more important to you...!"
"Nanamine? What are you talking about…"
"I didn't mean to give such an ultimatum because it's wrong, but… the way you started looking at that schoolgirl… I don't think Akiyama-san is worth your attention."
Tears flowed out of Nanami's eyes, soon turning to actual crying, and barely holding them back, the girl's legs trembled. Seeing the sight of her, the boy's eyes darkened and his face transformed into a lifeless carcass. Kinoshita was stunned.
"Akiko-chan," the boy said slowly, listening intently to his close friend's every cry, "She's crying because of you," he added, impassively.
Akiko took her breath away from the sudden stress erected by the order of factors that arose after the harsh accusations. The guy's frozen gaze made her heart squeeze, and what he said shattered something important inside Akiko that she had kept to herself. Remembering the dead coldness in the guy's voice, a shard of her soul shattered, leaving only hatred and contempt behind.
Nanami groaned in remorse, and the guy finally moved. The other guys ran out of the karaoke club building in excitement, and cheered Nanami on, encouraging her with warm, friendly words.
"Akiko, get away from us," muttered Kinoshita quietly, following up with the others. Seeing Nanami's eyes wide in remorse, the young man embraced her frail body. Then, without waiting for a frozen Akiko, they left on their way back to the bus stop.
The girl's saddened face, the boy's hard look, and soon the face of another girl looking back at Akiko standing behind her revealed a filthy, wide grin that made Akiko shudder. That nasty smile seemed utterly paradoxical, with the effect of condemning and oppressing the person it was intended for.
Once Akiko couldn't understand why she had been treated so harshly, feelings inside her felt hopelessly dulled. What to do in such situations? Moan with grief? She felt like a piece of slag that had been thrown into a basket with the rest of the rotting slag.
"Why did Furukawa-chan look at me like that, like garbage…? She must have hated me before," Akiko muttered aloofly, looking at her feet. "But she seemed friendly to me before. How did her gentle smile turn into this horror? Did they dislike me a lot? Were they secretly saying nasty things about me? Could it be because I deserved to be treated that way?"
The lazy bright glow of the yellow sun peeked out from the scant clouds, capturing some of the gray sky with its white rays. The darkened gaze of a dim Akiko haunted her for much longer. Melodies of absolutely every negative emotion played in her ears, thickening her head without end. Eventually, Akiko surrendered to these negative emotions, removing the resistance from her goose-steeped body.
"Do I really deserve this kind of treatment?" she repeated over and over again, wordlessly.
Her nerves were fraying with each passing moment, rendering distress to her current state of mind. Akiko regretted her existence, wickedly accepting the theory that she was hated because she looked insincerely beautiful. A theory invented by the boys at her hated school, who self-servingly stared at her with lewd looks.
"Well the hell with it, I don't care!" she laughed nervously at the top of her voice, opening her eyes. She grabbed her face with her hand, wanting to tear it off. Through her eyes her sharp, cat-like eyes were visible, foreshadowing cruelty. "I've been treated unfairly… cruelly."
She adopted a hysterical look, and ran wherever she could see. As she ran, her legs involuntarily moved to repeat the waltz, and Akiko spun, dancing with herself. In her ears she heard a restless piano melody with harsh and sometimes inappropriately placed chords, expressing her broken inner world. With awkward movements she echoed the movements of the dancers from a certain waltz that she remembered.
"The whole world is spinning around me! So why do I worry about silly things? Forget all nonsense, Akiko, for it no longer matters!" she exclaimed with joy. "The whole world is against your existence. You are forbidden to feel alive! So why swim in this current among the mindless, faceless creatures?"
When she reached the intersection, Akiko stopped abruptly and stood in the middle of the empty road. Lifting her head, bright sunlight streaked through the scruffy hair that covered her gloomy eyes. The open daytime sky reigned over her in all its glory, shining directly on her.
"After all, you're here. Here and now," she lowered her husky tone of voice. She began to speak slower and clearer, enjoying every word she said. "This will be the day of judgment. I will have my revenge, for every pain I have caused. I will avenge every unrequited love. I will avenge every wish that will never come true because of you! Revenge!"
At that moment, she dreamed of her glass heart shattering to pieces, with no possibility of remaking itself. Sadness gripped her soul, and a frozen cold crept inside the girl was the point of non-return for her.
"I will have my revenge," she muttered slyly in her sleep, lying in bed the next day.