Our meetings with Pierrot gradually became destructive, like a progressing psychotic episode.
After each conversation, I experienced emotions, which were similar to what it feels like after operation – a mix of antipsychotic with endorphin plunged into my brain.
Falling asleep was similar to dying, and waking up was like being reborn.
"Life is not what you are thinking".
«Love is respect, and it comes with time"
"My life is unknown for you, Victoria, and you are just a part of it"
Those words of Pierrot were cutting my mind.
We were still socially unavailable for each other, and that was something that attracted us to each other, like magnits: officially I was still a psychotherapist, and he was my former patient, escaped from "Atlantis".
I almost killed him once, trying to find him in Wyse after the escape, and I finally met him in Gilbert's flat. He was peacefully watching TV and eating, lying on my brother's couch.
When I saw his imperturbable stare, which always destroyed my anger, I didn't manage to take out a syringe with a soporific from my clutch.
Nobody, of course, knew that I participated in the organization of escape. However, after it I had nothing to do in "Atlantis".
I became less disciplined and more emotional. I missed Pierrot: everyday work with him turned into addictive routine. Once I had a mental breakdown during session with another patient. I screamed at him and poor guy got an epileptic seizure. I was finally dismissed.
Nobody thought that my state is somehow linked to the escape of Pierrot – everybody thought that it's just a consequence of loss of my brother.
However, I never thought about Gilbert as little as during that time.
My emotional life became empty, and my feelings were cut out with invisible knife.
I lost my emotional sensitivity in many ways, such as empathy. I even became less ashamed in the situations when I usually felt guilt. To return myself dull physical perception, I started taking in chemical bathrooms, and that caused damage to my skin and burnt my black hair to yellow.
I lost my wonderful black curls and used to wear colorful wigs, but even in my unrecognizable image Pierrot found me.
It happened soon after the escape.
He recognized me in the supermarket, caught me by my sleeve and led aside.
He offered me to forget all my previous life and to be with him. I agreed.
Afterwards, life had never been so easy... For a while.