I'm meeting with Kiaran at a nice restaurant in Heafdes. We're sitting outside as we eat, where only a few other people are eating. It's honestly quite scenic.
"Ah ha… skipping out on my congregation… to go on a date with a boy… this is amazing."
"I'm glad you're having fun, Azariah." Kiaran says, almost taking pity on me.
"I'm sorry…" I say under my breath, but that only appears to make him even more upset.
"Don't worry about it, seriously… This is a date, right? I want to hear more about you.I mean, you're still kind of a mystery to me, I didn't know you could draw that well, I don't really know what you get up to everyday, and I'm your boyfriend."
Huh? Kiaran's asking about me? What do I even say?
"Um… well, I've been studying magic pretty hard recently…"
"Yeah, I know that. I'm talking about the things I don't already know." Kiaran looks around for a bit. "Like your childhood, and interests I haven't seen yet. How did your life go before, well, you know?"
I understand what Kiaran's saying and it instantly puts me in a bad mood. I don't want to think about that, much less talk about it.
"I don't… want to talk about it…" I say, Kiaran clearly notices my mood.
"Sorry. I guess you did mention that you didn't really like your past life."
"Huh? When did I say that?"
"The first day, remember? When you suggested we change names?"
Oh, right… I did, didn't I? I can't believe that Kiaran actually managed to remember that so easily… Man, he's really impressive.
"Why are you surprised? That's the entire reason we're all going by what we're going by now. I really liked that idea of yours, you know. Even if I haven't made much progress with that…"
He seems kind of upset. I can't have this! I have to support my boyfriend! "What's wrong?" I ask.
"It's nothing." He says before switching back to a cheerful expression.
"That just makes me even more nervous." I say, truthfully. If I show that I'm worried, he should definitely tell me what's bothering him, right?
"Well… Azariah? Can you answer a personal question for me?"
My first thought is that he's going to ask me something sexual, which gets me excited. But given the context, it's probably not that.
"Yes, ask me anything." I say, preparing for the worst.
"You said you fell in love with me because I kissed you, right? Is there anything else you love about me?"
Oh no, this sounds important… I feel like I can easily mess up really badly here. I need to pick my words carefully.
"Of course. There's your cute appearance for one. Your eyes, your hair, how short you are-"
"Yeah, I know, but that's who I am on the outside. Is there anything you love about me on the inside? Is there any reason you like me except your own personal tastes?"
"Uhh… of course! You're adorable and sweet to me. You're strong and capable, too. When we had that duel, and I lost, I was so ecstatic because of how much further I had to go. You proved to me I had so much more left to learn, and that was legitimately amazing. Not to mention how you comforted me about Olen, and said you'd always comfort me. I love you because you want to make sure I'm happy, Kiaran."
I kind of wound up talking way too much, but I think I got my point across. I can't believe I actually said something so lovey dovey… Ahh, I love it. But how does Kiaran feel about it? Looking at him, he looks like he's thinking about it.
"Yeah, yeah, I guess there would be some people who would see you as disgusting after that little monologue… I guess that is something I did correctly…"
"Yes! And I love you for that. Telling me that I'm normal, and then… ah ha… thrusting deep inside of me…"
"Alright, that's enough of that. Doing that is something any guy could do… you also mentioned liking women too, that just makes all of that even less special."
"Huh? Do you want to be special, Kiaran? I'd gladly make sure you feel that way."
"No, no. It's less about feeling special and more about being anybody, really. I mean, you're a woman who breaks her body and soul to get to the things she wants as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, and Aubrey's an iron willed soldier who cares about the lives of the people around him. Compared to that I'm not really anybody…"
"W- well that isn't true, though. You're an amazing person that cares for everyone around you."
"Yeah, that's everyone though. Aubrey wants to do anything to keep us all safe and supported, and you want to study magic relentlessly. Compared to that I'm not much of anything. I don't really know what I want.
Back in my old life, it kind of felt like everyone was leaving me behind, becoming their own unique people while I just got left as an empty shell, trying to figure out just what's supposed to be filling it. I've been struggling since I came here to figure out who "Kiaran" is, and I've not really made that much progress. It's kind of frustrating, honestly."
"I'll help you!" I yell out. This is getting me excited, and not in the usual lusty way.
"A- Azariah?"
"You made me feel so cherished that night, so I want to help you back. I'll help you figure out just who Kiaran is, no matter what. I really want to, so please! Let me help!"
"Uhhh, what are you even going to do?"
"I've been thinking about this for a while, but since I've been covering so much more distance in such a short time with my wind glider, I really wanted to fly around the country, looking for a place for both of us to live.
Let's go separate ways for a while, exploring the country. It should give you some time to collect all your thoughts, and then when either of us find a good place to settle down, we'll move there, and I'll help you figure everything out to the best of my ability. I swear!"
Kiaran looks at me surprised, but then it turns into a bit of a smile. It isn't much, but I think it's the most genuine smile I've ever seen on him.
"Alright, we'll do that then. Thank you, Azariah."
><><><><
I walk through the Figment Library with my uniform on, like always. I put books back where they're supposed to be, like always. I constantly listen out for anyone asking me for help or to do them a favor, like always. This is my job, this is stuff I always do. Yet an air of nervousness hangs over me.
Lucidna's essentially my boss. She was the one who interviewed me when I first came here, and I'm usually the assistant that's by her when our hours line up. That would probably mean I have to go to her about quitting, right? Oh that makes me so very nervous…. How do I even bring that conversation up?
I turn a corner and see Lucidna helping another assistant put a rather large book into place on a display pillar. Mana Detection picks up her sending pure mana charged with Adad's connection into the pillar but I don't know why. It looks important so I decide to wait.
Eventually she finishes up whatever she was doing, her and the assistant exchange a few words and walk away from each other. Lucidna just walks up to me, causing me to panic.
"Assistant Azariah, what is it that you want?" She says to me.
Oh God, how do I bring this up? This is so awkward… it's been so long since I've been so nervous I've gotten nauseous…
"Hm? What's wrong?"
I need to say something, but I don't know what. Oh God, how do I even start this conversation? Maybe I should have asked Kiaran what to say. Too late to be thinking about that now though.
"Azariah, I can not read minds with a reasonable degree of accuracy. If something is wrong you need to tell me." Lucidna's glare almost looks like it calms down a bit.
"Um…" I start to talk, but I fear that I'll stumble over my words "Speak with you…" is all I can say.
Lucidna remains silent… "Come to my office."
Lucidna starts walking away towards her office, clearly expecting me to follow her. Oh no, she's clearly expecting this to be much worse than it actually is. She's going to be in such a worse mood when I tell her I want to quit. Oh God…
I keep stressing the hell out as I follow Lucidna all the way to her office. I wind up sitting down in her desk way quicker than I had bargained for.
"Now hurry up. There's clearly something bothering you. Knowing you this is either headache inducingly trivial or a matter so urgent it's second only to life or death, and absolutely no inbetween. I would rather not take chances with such a gamble, so you're going to tell me what's wrong before you leave here."
Eh? She's expecting that it's nothing at all? Am I really that useless to her? No, this is my chance. She probably… hopefully won't get angry that I made this such a big deal. Even if she does, this is Lucidna right? She's sure to switch back on a dime… Hopefully…
"Um… you know how I went into adventuring… and I started getting kind of popular?
"Yes, I am aware."
"Um… well… it's just that… well, I'm making quite a bit of money off that, and…"
Lucidna has an extremely slight reaction. A bit of surprise that dies down the moment it pops up on her face. I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't paying a whole bunch of attention.
"Well, and I also got that wind glider… and now I'm able to fly so far in just a day… and…"
Lucidna sighs.
"It appears this is the trivial side of the coin. Let me guess, you've achieved such a high rank in the guild already you're able to produce enough to support yourself off of that alone, and since you're now able to cover so much distance you want to explore wherever you can.
It would stand to reason then that this job is getting in the way of that. You've already learned quite a bit of magic, and you're in a position to support yourself, so you have no reason for this job any more. What you've been struggling to tell me then is that you want to quit, yes?"
I practically melt in my chair. "Y- yes…"
"Alright then, I'll prepare the paper work right away. You probably won't even have to show up tomorrow."
"Huh?! It's that easy?!"
"Shhh! Yes, it's that easy, what were you expecting to happen?" Lucidna looks angry now.
I don't know what to say, so I just stay silent.
"Here, I'll write you up as leaving early after 3rd shift ends, and if I can't get the paperwork done before tomorrow, I'll write you up as having that day off. Come over on Adasday to get your full paycheck, but other than that you can leave."
"H- h- hey… this all seems really impersonal. I mean, thank you but it seems just like you're eager to get rid of me. I… I at least want to say bye…"
"That's what it's like for you then? Don't worry, you'll be back."
"For my last paycheck."
"Yes, but that's not what I'm referring to. Knowing you, you're going to fly to every last inch of the country over the next couple of months or a year. Eventually you'll start heading to other countries to go sightseeing and to learn and even dangerous places in Uclait like the Ulfur Forests and the Emednes mountain range.
You'll likely be quite an adept mage at that point, so it's unlikely you'll die doing this. Then when you've explored all these areas and the nations surrounding Uclait you realize you need more. You consider exploring the Demon Lord's territory before realizing how horrible of an idea that is. Then you consider heading over to Monster Country.
You read up about the flying city Aeracrest, the capital on the lake, Dragon Lord Crysis, legions of demons, and are ecstatic. You want to head off right away. Across some of your research you look through the Figment Library. Then you remember that there's a whole unexplored world of all sorts of spatial anomalies in here and hate yourself for forgetting that.
Then you use your new magical power to try and become a librarian here and try to track me down to write a few words about you."
Ehhhhh… Lucidna knows me scarily well, all of that sounds exactly like something I'd do.
"You already would have forgotten all of that if it wasn't making Mana Location go haywire constantly. You're like a moth heading to flame after flame, forgetting the last as soon as you move onto the next. It's quite a problem of yours. I'd recommend keeping a diary."
"Y- yes ma'am…"
"Besides, you're much too kind. And annoying. I'll bet you come back to visit me constantly, as well as bugging me the moment you need help regarding anything to do with magic."
"Um…"
"Do not worry, you are more than welcome to. It would be an affront against magic if I didn't assist such an aspiring student. Honestly, you learn so quickly that it's fairly astonishing. In a few years, I could honestly see you becoming a court mage, albeit a very minor one."
Um… I'm not sure what that means, but I'm going to pretend I do.
"They're mages that work from the royal castle and assist the king and his advisors personally. They're the ones who got sent to the monster congregation."
Ahh… Lucidna knows me way too well. Anyway, does that mean that Iryis and Runicez are both court mages? Probably, they are widely considered the strongest in the kingdom, after all.
"Um… Lucidna? Do you think I could get on par with Iry-"
"Hah, absolutely not."
><><><><
I knock on the door to Noelle's room. For the first time in a while, I'm actually nervous. "Noelle, it's me." I say.
The door opens quickly and Noelle's there to greet me, a huge smile on her face. "Kiaran! Are we going to train now?!"
"No, Noelle. Look, we need to talk." I say, completely monotone.
She seems to get the message immediately as the smile disappears from her face. "Alright, come in."
I walk into her room and grab a chair to sit on. She closes the door behind her and sits on her bed. She looks me in the eyes, trying to get ready for whatever I'm about to say.
"Well, I've never really been the kind of guy to bounce all around a topic so… Noelle, what am I to you? Why do you like me so much?"
Noelle looks shocked at first. "W- well… you're a good friend, Kiaran. You're that idiot who called me by name when we first met. You're the one who kept being friends with me even after you knew who I was, and everyone was telling you to act professional around me."
"A friend, then? Someone who treated you how you wanted to be treated?"
"Well, yes…"
"That could have been anyone though, I'm not special."
"Well I wouldn't say that! Um… you know father's spoiled me all my life? He's always done everything he could to keep me safe, only allowing me to speak with people he's approved of and even then what they could say to me and how they could treat me was kept really strict.
So, I kind of started reading and got really good at it since there was nothing else to do. No one would talk to me out of fear from my father, anyway. Eventually, the Emednes really caught my eye, or Pitiful's domain, rather.
She wanted to make an Uclait where the nobility didn't really exist, and that made me so happy. I tried to convince Father to support her for the royal selection, and surprisingly it actually worked. This is where I started to realize that as long as I acted the right way I could get him to do whatever I wanted.
Then I started meeting a bunch of people from Pitiful's domain who didn't care about my father's stupid rules! They didn't like me much at first but as I talked with them more and more I got along with them really well. It was honestly the most fun I had in my life!"
"I see. I know why my casual attitude got your attention so much then, but it could have been anyone from Pitiful's domain…"
"You didn't let me finish, Kiaran! Yes, I did meet a whole bunch of amazing people from that domain, but you're even better! See, they treat me like a person, but also like a kid! Well, that might not be the right thing to describe it, but you do treat me better than they usually do.
They kind of take pity on me, you know? Like some sheltered noble kid couldn't possibly understand what's really going on, or be trusted with anything important. But you do! I looked up to their way of life so much, and I kept asking and asking Ruse and a bunch of others to train me like how they train but they wouldn't budge!
I read about so many cool adventures I wanted to go on, but even working with people who hated nobility and the position I was in never got that dream any closer. I want to get strong, I want to swing a sword, I want to use magic, I want to be useful to somebody! That's what I want, and no one would let me do any of that, no matter how much pressure I put on Father or what I said to Ruse.
And then some stupid moron showed up who had no idea how to act. He called me by name, and not only that he even asked me to read stuff to him because he was too stupid to be literate."
"Noelle, I think it would do you good to be a bit nicer-"
"And then you actually started asking me to do things. When I was asking around about that magic stone for you, I was so legitimately excited. Thrilled, even! It was like when Pitiful's men started warming up to me all over again.
And then you had me go look for Ruse, get father on your side, and even let me help track down that stone. It honestly felt so amazing. Anyone could have done that for me, but you were the only one who did! You're special to me, Kiaran!"
I'm honestly quite surprised that Noelle's describing me like this. I knew that she liked me but I never knew I had an effect on her like this. Am I really that important?
"Hey, Noelle? You want to be an adventurer, right? You're sure about that?"
"Of course!"
"Yeah, you know absolutely what you want to be. You know what you are. I… I don't. Sorry if this is confusing for you, but I don't really know who Kiaran is… I don't know what my aspirations are, I don't know how I think. I just look at what others do and kind of copy whatever others are doing. I don't know who I really am."
Noelle watches me, clearly trying to pay as close attention as possible. "I think I noticed that. When you came back from the Ulfur Forests… you were a whole lot quieter, and… tame I guess? You had a whole different aura around you. So that was… copying Pitiful's men?"
"Copying how they acted in danger, yes. Before that it was how I thought people my age were supposed to act. It's like two different people right? I can switch between the two so easily too. It's because deep down, I'm not really anyone."
"I… I see… is that what you wanted to talk to me about? You want me to help figure out who Kiaran is?"
"Well… not really. I wanted to go on a journey. Just me and Shirley, and maybe a few people we pick up on the way. I don't know where I'm going just yet, but I want to try and discover who I am that way. Just me and my thoughts, you know? Of course that means I'd have to leave and I don't know just when I'm coming back so I wanted to say goodbye."
Noelle just stares at me blankly. I go to say something but she cuts me off. "Alright then, I guess it can't be helped." She says, crossing her arms.
"Huh?"
"I can tell, this is something very important to you, Kiaran. It would be really selfish of me to tell you to stay here with me. Don't worry, I'm smart, I can figure something out."
"Are… are you sure?"
"Of course! Take as long as you need! Do whatever it is that you need to do! Just promise you'll come back, alright?"
"Well… Alright, I promise I'll be back, Noelle."
"Then, I'll be waiting. Bye, Kiaran. Good luck."