I woke up quite late, all things considered. I normally wake up at around the same time as Kiaran, but I woke up a fair bit later than him. The only two who still haven't woken up yet are Azariah and Inell, and they're used to staying up all night.
I guess I really shouldn't let it get to me. I start my day by doing some basic stretches and praying to Kari, Adad, and Florian. I make sure I get along with all of them as much as possible before I attempt it again today.
Oh Dear Seshat, Mistress of Libraries, Court Mage during the Earth God's reign, oh Deep One, who has peered into the depths of magic deeper than any man or monster, this child of yours is praying to you once again. I speak to you once again to see if I have earned the honor to gaze upon even the surface of your soul.
I have honed my magical skills for Kari, demanded power from Adad, and looked towards the future with Florian. Oh Deep One, is this enough to get but a glimpse of your power? Have I yet sacrificed enough for your honor, oh Lady Seshat? Do you seek yet more from this child?
I hold my hand out. "Dawn of The Soul: First Light of Revelation!" I scream. I try my best to imagine the endless cauldron that is Seshat's mana pool. I pour out all the mana necessary for the spell and imagine the spell taking form, yet nothing happens. I focus with all my might and no spell is cast, just wasting huge portions of my mana. Yet another failure.
Nothing could make this child happier than a connection with your oh so deep soul. In all my years of studying and practice, even now I have not felt so much as a glimpse from you, oh Deep One. I swear to you, I have the strength of will to pass whatever trial you give to me. So please, if you would do this sad child one act of kindness, please tell me what I must do for a connection with you.
I end this tirade here. Doing anything more after this would just be a waste of time.
"Hey Freware, are we about to leave soon? Should Inell carry Azariah to the carriage again?" I ask, quickly switching from magic mode to normal person mode.
"Inell's still asleep. We'll leave after he gets up. Huh?" Freware looks in surprise. "Oh hey Azariah. Aren't you up a bit early?"
I turned around and yeah, Azariah just got out of her tent. That's really surprising, she normally sleeps until noon and here she is, walking around at just a few hours after dawn. More than that though, she seems a bit out of it.
"Hey Azariah? Are you OK?" Freware notices it too.
"I'm fine." She says.
"Are you sure? You look a bit… concerned." I say. Azariah's normally really unexpressive. There was that time yesterday where she looked like she was having the time of her life when we were practicing Adad's spells, but now she looks kind of scared. That honestly really worries me.
"I had a bad dream. I'm fine."
A bad dream? Would that really cause that sort of reaction from Azariah?
"What was it about?" I ask, legitimately curious. Azariah just looks at me, changes her expression to one of guilt, then quickly looks away.
"It's… nothing…" She says, not even bothering to look in my direction. "I'll be riding next to the driver again today. I'll wait there until we leave."
Azariah proceeds to just walk off, without saying anything else. Freware and I just look at each other. She looks just as concerned as I do.
"Should we… do something about that?" She asks me.
"I don't know. Maybe we should tell Aubrey or Kiaran? They know Azariah better than us, they should be able to help more."
"Yeah, I agree. I'll go and tell Aubrey. You just go back to doing whatever it was that you were doing." Freware goes and runs off after Aubrey.
I wonder just what kind of dream she could have had to get her to act like that? She looked really guilty when she looked at me. I wonder if anything happened to me in the dream? Or if she did something to me she normally wouldn't do? I don't know, it's really hard to tell just what Azariah's thinking.
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The tension within the cart was kind of intense once we had started going. Azariah wasn't inside with us, preferring to ride next to the driver outside. Aubrey seemed to be in a bad mood, and Kiaran seemed kind of concerned. They were both fine earlier. I'm assuming Aubrey's bad mood is a result of Freware telling him what's up with Azariah, and that AUbrey told Kiaran, which is why he's also concerned.
"So…" Aubrey begins, cutting the tension. "You two say that Azariah said that she had a dream which woke her up this early."
Well yeah, when you go around phrasing it like that, it really sounds like something's up.
"That's an issue. Freware, Cesre, are you sure that Azariah didn't say anything about that dream of hers?" Aubrey asks.
"I'm afraid that she did not." Freware says
"Same here. She just said she was fine." I say.
Our responses seem like they've only made Aubrey worry even more. I'm concerned too, but I can only say that Azariah didn't tell me anything.
"Inell," Aubrey starts again "Do you think we should tell them?"
Hm? What do Aubrey and the dragon tamer know that we don't? I guess it makes sense, since they'd know more about Azariah than Freware or I, but Kiaran also seems confused so that can't be it.
"I'll leave that up to you, Aubrey. You've been with Azariah longer than I have." After Inell speaks, Aubrey seems to grow even more worried.
"OK, what are you guys talking about? I know Azariah better than either of you, and I still can't quite get whatever you're getting at." Kiaran asks. He seems just as confused as Freware and I, which doesn't make any real sense to me.
Aubrey sighs. "Look… you tell them, Inell."
"Huh? Are you really trying to make me do everything for you? Alright then. Listen, Aubrey here has been super paranoid and asked me to ask Azariah what she had been up to the other day during our trip.
Basically, she told me that she had a dream which she believed might be some sort of entity reaching out to her and was reading a book about what to do about it. That's the book she's been reading during our entire trip."
Oh. So Aubrey's thinking that she had another one of those dreams and isn't saying anything. For novice magicians, that can be really concerning, but Azariah seems to be being really careful about this sort of stuff. I'm not sure what Aubrey's so worried about here.
"Entity? What does that mean exactly?" Kiaran asks.
"Magic works either by forging connections to other entities or by drawing power out of your own soul. It's what I've been teaching you to do with the Archons Diana and Proteus. In some rare cases though, it's possible for an entity to try and make a connection to a person that catches their interest and grant them some of their power." Freware concludes her answer, but Kiaran still doesn't seem to get it.
"I don't understand though. Wouldn't that be a good thing? That's just proof of how far Azariah's come, right?"
"Not necessarily. There's no telling what an unknown entity could be trying to do. It could easily want to forge a connection with you to drive you into ruin. That's why it's best to act cautiously and only forge a connection when you know exactly what the entity is and what it wants out of the connection."
"Alright, I think I get it now. Thanks, Freware."
"So yeah, basically because of that and this dream Azariah's had, Aubrey's been absolutely freaking out."
"You make me sound like some sort of conspiracy theorist…"
"Come on, you've asked so much from me, I feel like I'm allowed to tease you a little."
"Moving on, Freware and Cesre, are you absolutely sure that Azariah didn't say anything about the dream?"
"For the last time, she didn't say anything." Freware says, annoyed.
"My answer also hasn't changed." I say.
Aubrey appears to slump down further in his seat. "Inell, tell them what Azariah saw in her dream."
"Me? Again? Seriously?"
"It'll be better if they hear it from someone who heard it first hand instead of second hand."
"Alright, I guess I agree with you there. Listen, here's what Azariah told me."
Inell goes on to recount an absolutely strange dream with a pitch black river, and a colorful, starry sky. He goes on to mention some sort of entity in a boat, and the fact that Azariah said that she couldn't speak or even feel any sort of emotions during the dream.
In all honesty, my main thoughts are "What a strange dream! I wish all my dreams were like that! I'm really jealous! How do I attract entities like that to me!" Of course, I wouldn't go around forging connections with all the entities that enter my dreams, I'm not an idiot, but I still really want one to influence my dreams like that.
"Not feeling emotions is really terrifying if you think about it. I mean, could you imagine being a sociopath?" Is Kiaran's response.
Oh, that's right. I was so overtaken by the strangeness of that dream, I didn't think at all about how, according to Inell, Azariah couldn't feel any emotions during the whole thing. She looked really guilty when she looked at me, maybe she did something bad to me in the dream? I also would feel super guilty if that happened to me.
"Yes, it's concerning me too. I'm really worried about Azariah's well being, but I'm not sure what to do." Aubrey says. Don't worry, I'll be sure to help you out there, Aubrey!
"I, for one, really doubt that this will have any lasting effects on Azariah. I think that she'll be fine in the end, and if not, she'll go to me for help."
"And what makes you think that, Inell?" Aubrey asks. There's the faintest bit of detectable anger in his voice. Whether or not the dragon tamer noticed it as well, I don't know.
"A certain reaction she had while I was teaching her to fly. Also how she acted around me after that little event. If I had to guess, she probably imagined doing something she would normally think was disgusting to some of us while not being able to feel any sort of emotional reaction, and then felt guilty about it when she woke up.
That isn't the best sure, but I'm sure Azariah will manage to bounce back eventually. There's also the fact I had asked her to come to me for help if she ever needed it. I believe that she'll listen to me and ask me for help if something really bad happens."
Aubrey doesn't react at all. "A certain reaction? That little event? Would it hurt you to be just a little bit clearer?" He asks.
"I'd rather not say, because I don't think that Azariah wants you figuring out about what I did, or especially how she acted because of it. So I'll leave it at that. If you really want to know, ask Azariah how I taught her to fly, and she'll decide whether to tell you or not."
Aubrey seems to back down after this.
"So is that the end of the discussion? Just leave Azariah alone for now and act when we get more information?" Kiaran asks.
"If you're really that concerned, I'll ask her what the dream was about later, bringing this up. I'm the only one who can ask though, because she told me not to tell anyone else."
Um, what? Why the hell are you telling us then? Freware and Kiaran also seem to be pretty annoyed about this.
"Don't look at me like that. Blame Aubrey, he's the one who told me to ask in the first place and he's the one who told me to tell you all about it. If you're that annoyed, then I just won't say anything more."
"So does that mean that this conversation is over? Mr. Illeanes?" I ask.
"Just Inell. Don't call me that."
"Right, so Inell, does that mean this conversation is over?"
"I suppose. Unless Aubrey wants me to take care of any more of his worries."
"I don't."
"Right then, the conversation is over I guess."
"OK then, there's something I wanted to ask you." Inell just looks really annoyed when I say this.
"What is it now?"
"Oh, nothing, I just wanted to know if you really taught Azariah to fly."
"Azariah? Oh yes, yeah I did. Why?"
"Could you teach me to fly too? You both use connections to Kari in order to achieve that right? I also have a connection with the Archon of Wind, but even with all my studying I still can't seem to figure it out."
"Oh well- I'm not quite sure if you'd be OK with the method I used to teach Azariah. I seriously doubt you'd be able to pick it up as easily as she did, given Azariah's… um… disposition towards what I did."
Everyone else just looks confused at what the dragon tamer said. I am too. Just what is he talking about here?
"Um, Inell? Just how did you teach Azariah to fly?"
Inell stays silent at first, like he's trying to figure out what to say. "I taught her the way I was taught."
"And how were you taught, exactly? I heard dragons teach their young by dropping them out of the sky. Did they make an exception for you, since you were human?"
Aubrey and Kiaran start glaring at Inell. He seems to be getting nervous.
"They wanted to, but my mother kept them from doing so until I was old enough to use magic."
"So you learned by being dropped out of the sky? And you taught Azariah the same way?"
Inell stays silent for way too long as he glances towards Aubrey and Kiaran. "No comment." is his final response.
Kiaran's sheer shock and horror, as well as Aubrey's anger were quite fun to watch. Aubrey shouting at Inell while he was desperately trying to defend himself was absolutely hilarious.
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We eventually had to stop for lunch, and the dragon tamer took the opportunity to separate himself from the rest of the group for a bit by going to ask Azariah about her dream. She didn't want to eat with any of us, which has only caused Aubrey to worry about her even more, but it does allow us to keep talking in secret, so that's good I guess.
It isn't long before Inell makes his way back to where the rest of us are having lunch. "So, I talked to Azariah. I managed to get her to admit that she had the same dream again." Aubrey looked dimmer when he said that. Hm, I guess this does confirm that some sort of entity really is going after a connection with Azariah.
"What did she say about it?" Aubrey is the first one to ask.
"She said everything was the same as the last time, except this time the hooded figure actually talked to her. She also mentioned trying to say a bunch of things, but the only thing that wound up coming out was a request to form a connection with it. She assured me she's going to be cautious about it though."
Hm… well that really isn't good is it? The only thing that she can say is to ask it to form a connection? That couldn't be anything other than bad news.
"She doesn't have a connection with it right now though, right?" Freware asks. I'm the mage, so maybe I should've been the first one to ask that.
"She assured me that she doesn't. I even reminded her what a connection feels like and she still didn't say that she didn't feel anything."
"I see then. Is that it? Would she really act how she's been acting, just from that?" Aubrey asks.
"Of course not, this is Azariah we're talking about." Inell's response sounds really disappointed. Aubrey looks really upset when Inell says it too.
"What happened then? What's the cause of this?" Aubrey asks.
Inell sighs. "Trying my best to keep the stuff Azariah wants to keep private, private: She started thinking about doing a lot of obscene things to the people she knows in an effort to try and feel any emotion at all during the dream. She's been acting like this because she's been feeling really guilty about the whole thing."
"Ah, so it was because of the whole not being able to feel emotions thing!" Kiaran says. Aubrey looks even more upset for some reason. Seriously Aubrey, what's wrong.
"I think that it will be better if we just forget about this. I can personally assure you all that Azariah is handling this just fine. She just needs time. She can handle this on her own. If anything, she'd probably start taking it worse."
"And you… you got all of that from one conversation?" Asks Aubrey.
"And my prior experience with her, yes." Inell responds.
"Alright… I understand." Aubrey doesn't seem any happier. What's wrong Aubrey? Isn't this a good thing?
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Lunch ends soon enough and we're off on our journey again. Once dinner starts, Azariah starts to eat with all of us again, all though she's noticeably more nervous. You were just imagining doing stuff to us, right? It's not like you ever did anything, and you'd definitely not do anything now. I'd be happy to forgive you.
Eventually dinner ends, with Azariah only having shared a few words with Inell. I could tell she was trying her best not to look at me. Was what you thought about doing to me really that bad?
This all causes great surprise right after dinner ends. "Cesre… I want to talk to you… alone for a bit…" Azariah asked me to talk in private. After all of that, you want to talk with me?
"Well let's talk then. Follow me." We head a bit into the forest where the others can't hear us. Azariah appears to be super nervous.
"What did you want to speak about, Azariah?" I ask. I resign myself to helping Azariah with whatever she asks.
"Cesre, I…" She begins but trails off. "Have you… have you ever had anything try… to make a magical connection with you?" Oh? She's asking me for help?
"No, sorry. Nothing really seems all that interested in me, so I've never experienced anything like that." I wish I could say yes, but I don't want to lie to Azariah and start speaking about a topic she thinks I understand way better than I actually do.
"Oh… I see… I'm sorry for bringing it up then…"
"Just because it's never happened to me doesn't mean I can't give any advice on it. You can still talk to me."
"A- alright…" Azariah then proceeds to explain everything that Inell had already told us, just in clearer detail. Everything up to having the same dream last night and managing to ask the entity if it wanted to form a connection with her.
"I only asked that question because I was trying to ask every question that came to mind. I also kept trying to feel any emotion whatsoever and I also eventually succeeded. It seemed to be really happy about that. I just wanted a second opinion."
"I see." I say, trying my best to pretend that Inell hasn't already told me all of this. "What emotion did you feel then?"
Azariah immediately breaks eye contact and looks off to the side. "I… I don't want to talk about it."
There's the guilt that Inell was talking about then. She probably won't say anything about it no matter how much I pry, so I shouldn't bother. "Well, figuring out how to feel any sort of emotion in an environment like that is still really impressive. Do you know why you were able to feel that emotion?"
Azariah stays silent again for a while. "Well… I have two theories. The first is that it's an emotion that it wanted to see from me. The second is it has to do with the intensity of how I normally feel that emotion…"
"Oh? Meaning?"
"I could be wrong but I think it may have something to do with just how much and how intense I usually feel that emotion in my day to day life. It's not something I'm proud of, but I have to consider it. There's also the possibility that it wanted me to feel that emotion, like with that question I had asked it.
I don't think that's the case given some of the things that it said to me. It said… well… I'd rather not say… I'm sorry for being so vague about this…"
"Don't worry about it. This must be super hard for you. I'm pleased that you've come to me for something like that, Azariah."
"Really?"
"Yes, it means you trust me. I'm really happy that you've come to me over the dragon tamer on something regarding magic."
"I've already spoken to Inell, I just never asked for advice…"
"Well, that's fine too. If you're coming to me for help, then I'm happy. So, is that all you wanted to say? Do you have any questions for me?"
"Well…. I wanted a second opinion. But I think I'm being too vague for you to give me any sort of meaningful advice…"
"That isn't entirely true. Sure, I don't have much information to go on, but I can still help where I can. Is there any more you're willing to tell me?"
"Um… it mentioned being very curious, and it… it wanted to know whether that emotion of mine was greater than its curiosity…"
"Hm… well, given what you've seen from it so far, do you think it's nefarious in any way?"
"I haven't gotten any kind of feeling like that from it. I don't think it has any sort of bad intentions, but I'm not sure if it has good intentions either. Ultimately, I think I want to stick with my teacher's advice and stay cautious…"
"Alright, that's good. In that case then, I think I'd recommend growing your strength for now, and getting further into the depths of magic. I think you should stick with the magic of the Archons for right now and only think about a connection with this entity when you have a better idea of what you're comfortable with."
Azariah looks like she's just made a huge revelation. "I… I see. That actually clears up quite a lot. Thank you, Cesre. I really mean it."
I mean, that was just some pretty standard advice, I'm not sure what Azariah's getting so worked up about.
"Say, Cesre, can you please continue teaching me?"
"Of course. You don't even have to ask that question."