(flashback)
Grandma, I want that teddy bear! me too.. me too! Eun ae my little cousin sister joined in but the teddy bear that we wanted was a single piece. minutes later we began to fight for the toy, Eun ae started to cry leaving me no choice but to give up.
my first ever sacrifice!
laughter filled our compound while the sunlight kisses down upon us. grandpa pushes the bicycle while grandma supports the weight making sure Eun ae not hit the ground. she giggles happily and attempts to ride with her little legs creating the best moment of her life.
I want to join them but they look perfect together that I fear I might disturb their little moments.
So, I was there standing right at the front door watching their laughter not having the slightest bit of courage to join them. maybe I was too jealous to even smile.
my first ever jealousy!
when Eun ae was 5 years old, half her face got burned by acid and she was in a coma for 3 months. our families were in chaos during that period and nobody believes she would survive but surprisingly she recovered because God never left innocent ones.
Eun ae was treated delicately like she was a piece of glass that could be broken anytime if not taken proper care of. her face, her health everything about her became so pitiful that she was showered with love by everyone erasing all the misfortune memories.
maybe this was the start of everything!
I was literary okay being ignored because I had everything I need but years later when I turn 11 my parents got divorced. my dad soon married leaving me all alone once again. I became half pitiful child like my cousin and unlike her, I was treated the same as it used to be. will it be better if I got burnt like my cousin? it's funny imagining impossible things but that's not going to happen because I am me not her.
as time passes on, all the dissatisfaction, disappointment that I buried deep inside my heart consumed my light turning me into a stone-cold person and I was letting it.
(end of flashback)
...
7/06/2020
finally, I graduated from high school, I was very happy to embrace the next step in life. on that very special day, I was expecting their presence and wanted their acknowledgement, their proud faces congratulating me with flowers in hand. anxiously my eyes roam around the crowds only to find one person I.e, my dad.
I watch my classmate proud faces lovingly embraced by their loved ones as they filled the school campus with their laughter. one again I was there standing alone between the crowds watching other happiness with pain in my soul. later on, I heard from my dad that Eun ae had surgery so my grandparents failed to attend my graduation. I came to realise that love can't happen through work it should come naturally so I bid farewell to the old me who works harder than anyone just to receive love.
I couldn't stop having expectations!
when I thought I've finally moved on from my past I was diagnosed with a brain tumour 1st stage in my 1year of college. my suffering was beyond repair that there were no tears left to cry so I laughed at the poor me. it's been months since the report came out but I didn't dare to tell anyone because nobody would care anyway.
after some checkups, the doctor told me that surgery is necessary as soon as possible, he said I only have one year and if I didn't go on surgery within this given time things may get worse. but I went with the pills instead. the selfish me wants a family to rely on, wants a person to comfort, love me and a place to call home but I don't have any of that and I am tired of being alone so leaving this world doesn't bother me anymore.
my mom, dad has their own family to look after so they wouldn't care if I die. it's pathetic to leave without an ounce of happiness in 20 years of living and how funny it seems that I don't even know what happiness is.
but this stone-cold soul of mine won't leave quietly before seeing bloodshed.
1/01/2021 (new year)
like usual I sat at the corner of the couch with a mug of hot coffee in hand watching their uninterested drama.
they said when a person has a great day in the new year, he will be lucky throughout the year but I don't enjoy one bit.
Maria, what do you think about Eun ae looks? isn't she beautiful? grandma asks me stroking her silky black hair with so much adoration. after months of careful checkups and care Eun ae took out the bandage. yes grandma she's very beautiful I said excusing myself going to the washroom.
plastic beauty!
we celebrated our new year party at our grandparent's place. to describe the event; nothing special happen but noise pollution caused by my 4 half-siblings, 5 cousins and some annoying neighbour kids.
noona! Heechul ( eun ae's younger brother)calls me, what! I gave him my cold shoulder because this kid is very good at reading peoples minds. I have great news he said blocking my path. you mongrel! I am not going to buy your stupid trick and I am financially broke so move.
I walk past him after destroying his left ear. noona, I heard Jaehyun is returning he shouts still winching in pain. my foot stops just by hearing the particular name turning back with arms cross I replied, that's great news indeed and my lips curls up forming a devilish smile. what good timing to start my mission.
Jaehyun was the guy who disturb my every move to fight back against Eun ae. he was the sole reason why Eun ae got everything she wanted during junior high and also a guy whom Eun ae loves most. he called me a witch and accuse me of bullying Eun ae. he said I was jealous of my cousin's beauty and his misinterpretation makes my junior high a living hell.
after junior high, he went to London and being the heir of the cubic company ( one of the renounce companies in South Korea) he doesn't have time for leisure. rich with thousands of responsibilities! serve him right!
and he's coming back but I am going to flip the table this time.
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05/03/2021( eun ae birthday 21birthday)
I remove the bloodstain under my nose with a tissue as the fucking symptom started to show.
nosebleed!
no girl! you have to look beautiful today, it's your sisters birthday. applying cherry colour lipstick I look at my outfit one more time. black mini dress pairs with a black combat boot, tying my hair in a bund showing off my brand new tattoo on my bare neck almost makes me like the witch from sleeping beauty going to spoil princess birthday.
and yes black suits me better!
(at the party)
it was a grand birthday celebration with many guests, relatives and friends. Eun ae is just 2 months younger than me but due to her health, she skipped school for one year after our junior high. it would be an underestimation if not mention my grandpa's occupation well, he is a retired aeroplane pilot so he is well known.
it's been 20 minutes but nothing special occurred so far, I became impatient because it was so unlike me to be here more than 10 minutes as I used to leave after just showing my face.
because I was waiting to meet someone!
oh! hi unie long time no see! Eun ae minions sarcastically greeted in which I reply them with the same tone. ah hello, girls! you all must have aged a lot I was confused for a moment I said enjoying thier reactions.
while we were having a cold war, a round of applause welcomes the birthday girl. many people were mesmerised seeing the beauty descending the stairs with a gown as white as snow, she was no different than a princess but what caught my eyes wasn't her it was the man on her right.
as dramatic as it sounds I swear he is the most handsome man I've ever seen. they look so perfect together! the minion's squeal with excitement bringing me back from zoning out. but I can't avert my eyes from him like I was enchanted, at that moment I can't wait to take out my plan.
tonight, I mumbled sipping the red wine,
I'll make you mine.