"If I had to choose… I would have chosen not to meet you."
Those words were directed at me, but back then- No... Even today, I don't understand the weight of those words.
While crying, you just walked away without looking back, leaving me alone in that park.
I remember it rained a lot that day and I loved the smell of rain, but I can't remember what the rain smelled like that day.
I wondered if we should go back in time or maybe just give each other another chance, but it's hard to put into words what I'm feeling...
Do you remember when we first met?
It was also raining heavily that day and I was lying alone on the college lawn.
So you showed up and covered me with your umbrella, but I wanted to be bathed in the rain and I rolled away from you.
Even so, you insisted and continued to protect me from the rain, we fought and we both ended up wet and covered in mud as we laughed at each other.
It wasn't love at first sight, much less friendship.
After that, the two of us just spoke again at a recital and then we started seeing each other more and more.
To this day, even ten years later, I remember the strawberry taste of our first kiss as we lay in my mother's backyard.
The day seemed to glow brighter and your smile held me in a way I couldn't escape, but it wasn't all flowers, we were so different and so alike at the same time... I miss our random arguments.
I remember that sultry summer day when we went with our friends to a mountain waterfall and I got drunk because of a silly game.
The way you took care of me and stayed by my side... I still smell the sun in your tanned skin and a light citrus scent of gin.
Do you remember when you asked me to stop smoking and I just didn't want to? Then we had a fight and I asked for some time to think about what I wanted? I still feel like you shouldn't want to change people but, even so, I want to apologize.
Today I see that you were right and that you only wanted my well.
Today it's been ten years since we've been together for the last time and I want to tell you something I've hidden all this time.
I wasn't a good person, neither before nor after I met you, and I knew if we stayed together, I would ruin your life.
Remember that show I went without telling you? Where I say I got drunk and had sex with someone else? That was a lie.
Erica and I planned everything to make you hate me, but don't be mad at her, I'm the one who insisted on it because we know you'd never leave me otherwise...
I was hurting you while it was hurting me to hurt you.
I didn't want to change and I haven't.
That was the only lie I told you.
I know you suffered and hated me, but I swear it was for your own good and today when I see you smiling in the photos, I know I made the right choice.
Anyway, Kess, I want you to know that you were the only person I ever loved and that I continued to love to the end.
Unfortunately this is goodbye, but I want you to be happy.
If this letter ever gets to you, please forget all I did wrong and read it while remembering our happy times.
I'm not asking you to forget about your resentments, just think of some reason to miss me and when the time comes, just forget me in a happy side of your heart with our memories.
With love, your Alexandria.