"Are you sure you like this?"
I sighed, eyes closed as I found my little moment of peace ruined by that question. And the one asking said question promptly used my lap as a pillow. It's been a few days since that meeting with the Hokage and… I made myself scarce from chances of resuming that messy interaction. Missions-wise, I was still doing things and being a proper shinobi in that regard. I wasn't going to throw a genuine unprovoked tantrum that could have ruined my current career. Madara had been watching my actions as of recently, or at least when I was on duty and given the chance to 'make a mess'. I didn't plan to- I wouldn't have said no to a chance to do that, but it was more of a childish urge than a genuine plan.
And after what happened a bit later from that 'lecturing'? The meeting with Gura had fully shaken me off from the pedestal of might I set myself in, realizing that I had been so close to disobey direct orders and set myself in some troublesome affairs. Madara knew, he had set me up to see it for myself. I was too… angry. The talk with Hashirama riled me up, but it wasn't just that. I have been feeling disappointed in myself recently. I felt like something was missing- that something needed to be there in me to make me feel… whole.
I lacked inward balance.
My emotions were growing too unstable as of recently. I initially blamed it on early pubertal changes, but I thought those to be too 'intense' for it to be the case. No, my emotional compass had been outright screwed by what I had gone through. Did I tackle the issue a bit too late? Was I actually that unstable? The worry was piling up fast, but so did my thoughts on what I could do to try and fix it. It was feasible to think of a full recovery, but I doubted I could handle it on the spot. It wasn't something that could be solved with ease… so I embarked on a new form of training that I had been reluctant to go through as of recent times. Meditation to reach Sage Mode. I had spent months thinking if this was going to be a good idea, and I could see how finding my inner peace would just be what I needed to calibrate my inward being into a stable position. So, I asked the Clan Leader of the Phoenix Clan and received permission.
Cue me sitting down and being alone for a solid two minutes. Two minutes that passed fast as a certain individual had spotted me from afar. I tried to not get noticed by Kiara as I really needed to be alone for this one and… I knew I couldn't exactly push her away. So, I prepared my mind for what was going to be an awkward conversation.
"It isn't, but it's necessary."
A hum came from the girl as she sighed and rested for a moment on my lap. Silence resumed, but it was just a way to lull me in a false sense of security. It's Kiara we were talking about and I knew for a fact she wasn't planning to 'go down without a fight'.
"Why is it necessary?" The phoenix asked quietly. "Did something happen?"
"..."
"Danzou-kyun, are you trying to keep your bestest friend from helping you?"
"Kiara-"
"I get it, you want to meditate and be a lonely dummy, but I can tell something's up in your head and it's a big thing that's making you a mess," The girl argued, surprisingly enough hitting the target. "But I just can't ignore the fact you're hurting. Are you… sure you don't want to talk about it?"
"It's not a secret, Kiara. I'm just imbalanced. I need this to regain coherence of what I can or can't do," I replied flatly. "I… I am not trying to push anyone away, but it's been too long since I had a moment to think of myself on my own- without interruptions."
Silence reigned for a while, and this time Kiara went quiet as she allowed me to resume training. She didn't leave my side, but her presence soon became unimportant as my mind once more trailed off from my mortal coils and into what I could consider my 'inner self'. Something about this whole training just felt incredibly wrong. No- it wasn't the training. Something else about it made it unpleasant. Meditation mattered much more as I had the chance of understanding the way the Yamanaka Clan used their technique on others. Sure, none of the clan would ever tell me how exactly it worked, but due to how it was shown in the original series, I had a way to know how that feeling was meant to be represented in my mind.
A sense of detachment, of 'loss' from reality as I jumped and pushed myself off the 'ground' that was my rooting into reality. I was instantly greeted by numbness, with my body now missing from within my 'reach', and leaving me just within that state of detached understanding. I was a floating soul within the void. And as I dug deeper, I felt I was threading on the very line where the 'division' happened. I tried to find it, to understand it, and then… and then a bizarre realization struck me.
What if the division, the instability, wasn't too internal? I questioned if the strong anger I have gotten was the result of some mental issue, but what if this wasn't completely true? What if there was another element that had me lose my mental footing and… that had been behind so many problems I caused and had to solve in time before things collapsed on me. The more I looked deeper, the more I delved within that tainted part of my brain, the more I felt it. The truth. Despite the lack of a body, I soon 'woke up' into one. It was like mine, but younger- and I was wearing my old armor, the one I used to fit during the war. This… this was that war. I blinked awake once more, this time the wasteland I woke up into being a familiar green forest around the Fire-Earth border. Iwa against Konoha, the first field of war I was in. Then another blink, and we were in Kumo-owned land. More blinking and the lone battlefields became united as all screaming soldiers around me, fighting and yet avoiding me kept on adding in a confusing disposition. Iwa soldiers fighting with Konoha ones against Kiri and Kumo. Then Suna-nin fought both at the same time. Then there was no faction and it became a messy all-out massacre. And the more I looked, the more surreal the scene turned, and the more I felt… at ease. I felt at peace within that mess that is called war. And that horrified me immensely.
Do I miss war?
That had been a thought that I never considered because preposterous. Why would anyone feel that way? Why would anyone in my condition? I argued that it was just a hallucination. My PTSD was playing tricks on me, but that was dashed away as I stood up and I felt lighter. My mind felt clearer, less worries in it as I could find no familiar faces. No reason to be concerned about anyone I knew getting hurt. No reason to worry surprises, no reason to be uneasy because this was as clear as it could be. It was war, everyone was fighting and… I was part of it.
Just as I mentioned within my head that last bit, some soldiers detached and rushed at me. I stood up, shifting around and dodging their attacks before carefully killing them. I felt no restriction, this felt like a game for me as my brain called for one thing. 'Go deep and become part of it.' A greater part of it. I was the strongest, the mightiest, but also the safest. No amount of foes was putting me at risk as I felt my amusement spike before that unbeatable streak. I felt invincible, I felt untouchable and I felt endless. I was in pure heaven despite the chaotic environment I was thrown into.
But then the realization sunk deep in my mind.
The amusement shattered, the soldiers burned as a massive sun-like sphere appeared over the field, scorching everything around and leaving me alone. I tried to see if this was caused by someone around. If I had to worry… but it was just me. And the burning stench of flesh being cooked in that horrible manner. The euphoria was now forsaken as the horror reappeared before my eyes on what had just happened. I looked at my hands. They were bloodied. Same for my armor, same for my face and… same for my inner self.
Normally killing was right if within righteous reasons, but my body hadn't forgotten the forbidden taste of the battlefield. I craved it. It felt like it had been gone for too long. And as I questioned why I felt like this, the answer I got from deep within shook me to the core. It wasn't the battle that I sought, it was the brutal honesty of it. Within the field, no trickery can unfold. Everyone was attacking you, you were always in the position to be guarding yourself. To be aware that everything here could turn and become a threat. That no one was safe but those that could defend themselves. And that's where I got a bitter taste in my mouth.
This had been the first test for that training. And I failed it. Instead of disavowing fighting through those lenses, I cherished it by partaking into it. I enjoyed it, and I allowed my mind to lose sight of why I had been there to begin with.
But that wasn't the end of it.
This wasn't where I would find the closure to my training and I could tell that I would need to work on it. Many men, lesser than me, would have conceded to the sickness I was subjected to, this insane form of PTSD, but I didn't want to give up. No longer about myself, but also the others. I had people to protect. Not just from others, but myself. If I was so quick to jump into combat, if this was my favored priority… then that wouldn't stand. The next two silent hours passed just like that. Over and over again I would be meditating, the soldiers rushing once more at me, but none landing attacks on me. They tripped on me, they bypassed me by jumping or taking corners to avoid me. I was still as I let it all happen, as the noise grew louder and louder, but something else grew louder. It was a white noise that deafened anything I was hearing after a while and… while I was still lost in the unknown aspect of my mind, I felt it reach out and yank me away from that odd limbo.
I expected to find something mysterious and cryptic around the corner, but what I found was less metaphysical and more huggy. My real eyes finally opened and I found out that Kiara hadn't kept herself put during the time I spent meditating. She was sleeping, but I could say she had woken up at a time so that she could relocate to her new comfy position. Arms and legs wrapped around my neck and waist respectively, chin resting on my shoulder and her right cheek pressing onto mine. It would have been an adorable sight for sure, but I did feel restricted… but not minding it. Not because it all felt so natural to expect from Kiara, but because this all felt unworthy of any angry comment or irritation. It was a hug. It was nice. And I could tell my body needed that kind of closeness with someone.
It took me about twenty minutes to concede to the need of waking up Kiara. Obviously, she disagreed by tightening her hold over me and napping 'harder' as she put it. Which was actually her being awake, but forcing her eyes closed and snoring loud. And at this I just picked her up from the ground and started running fast left and right. She instantly 'woke up' yelping in surprise at the unexpected reaction but eventually we were playing tag together. I felt livelier than way, and I felt like a kid, free and unrestrained for laughing for stupid kids. I had the chance to enjoy the last hints of childhood left within my body, to enjoy being a kid despite how old my mind was and… I needed this. I needed to be fragile for once. Just for a moment, to feel innocence wash over my war-related sins.
And today turned into a better day than how I predicted this turning out to be. At least, for this unique occasion.
With training out of the way, I had plans to make it back home and enjoy a pleasant day with the family.
Kiara had been quite reluctant to let me leave, but I argued I had plans to share the kitchen with her for dinner. At the notion of being granted the means to prepare food without my mother taking offense for the 'invasion of her reign', she instantly squealed and pulled me in a tight hug. And I had nothing to worry about when it came to work. It was the weekend and I had no missions to do for the week as I had already gone through my quota.
I had no reason to ruin such a lovely day that offered me the chance to further explore this newfound 'bliss'. I was far from inner peace, but something about being able to walk without fearing any attack just felt… nice. It felt freeing, liberating- I was keen to explore this and much more. Even so when I stumbled upon a certain wandering demon cat that ended up tagging along for my plans of a lazy day.
"I never thought you would have been keen to enjoy a day off this nicely, Danzou-chan," Matatabi hummed in delight, happily resting on my head. "Please, do tell me you don't plan to engage in sudden training sessions. I want to sleep with someone that gives me belly rubs."
Matatabi was still receiving belly rubs from others, it wasn't like she was being neglected any way or this whining would have been a bit more demonic in nature. No, she was just that possessive on who was the one rubbing her belly or scratching her chin. And I had been skipping on that a lot due to recent events. I just could imagine Kurama was going to approach me in a similar way, except being more Tsundere than his sibling.
"I was planning for some rest and meditation. Maybe check on my puppets and add some pieces if I find anything that could be improved. Nothing too distracting."
"Hmm, sounds fine to me. Just don't meditate too long. I still need those belly rubs."
Lazy cat.
I didn't mind the attitude, and I felt somewhat less troubled by everything around me. It was a lovely day, I planned to ask if Hirotada and Reira wanted to have dinner outdoors for tomorrow so we could take some time to remember the war period in private and… try to see how they were holding about it since it wasn't a topic we would usually bring up without reason, and then maybe see if Yoshiko wanted to finally try out fishing.
Then there was medical training, and I had decided it was about time I finally started to write a lengthy book on the subject. It would be good to finally enforce a 'standard' within the way some medics were meant to work with, to introduce sterilization and other elements that were going to take much longer to develop in the medical doctrine without some push from me.
I was still going to train with other things, but I decided to put less into bashing my skull in new things to be prepared for an attack. It wasn't going to happen any time soon and more to actually enjoy life to a degree. I have been so detached from my social life that I barely had much fondness of it beyond some rare instances where I had to be there and enjoy things.
Yet I was far from that lucky from the way things were soon to turn into. Just as I was turning the corner, I found myself moving to the side as someone rushed forward and tried to land a punch onto me. At first I was confused by the sudden attack, but then I got a look over the familiar individual and found myself frowning over the familiar brunet that had just attacked me. Truth be told, I wasn't surprised by the behavior, but rather by the fact he was there when he shouldn't be there. Since when the son of a long deceased leader of a hostile nation happened to be in here?!
"Onoki?"
"Shimura Danzou! I finally found you!" The teen muttered in delight and annoyance. Turning with a calm stance at me, smiling. "And that dodge, truly impressive for someone meant to be my great rival."
Goddammit, I want a day to rest and Karma sent me a moron.
"Uh… why are you here?" I asked, confused about this odd 'first hit' move but no continuation. Was this an assault or his way of greeting people?
"Fuh! Two things actually. One, the Tsuchikage is visiting for an important meeting with the Hokage regarding the peace treaty," Onoki started to explain, adding a sense of smugness to each word he sprouted. Quite frustrating, but it gave me insight on the situation. The Hokage was dealing with the Tsuchikage. Definitely Mu, which would explain why Onoki was here and annoying me. The cheeky prick. "And I was there to challenge you to a duel. One you denied me back months ago."
I raised a perplexed brow at that.
"You mean the one where I clearly said I was in no shape for fighting?" I flatly asked, doing my best to not let this development annoy me.
"Obviously- no, wait what do you mean you weren't in no shape for fighting?! You outran me."
"There's a difference between running and fighting. Did I brawl with you, dragging a long legendary battle where we were both drawn to an impressive clash?"
"No-"
"Then that wasn't me fighting. It was me running from you because you wanted to fight me in the stupidest setting possible," I summarized with a dry tone. "It's not even about honor or all of that. You just were nagging for a fight despite the circumstances."
I saw the shadow of a pout, but he held strong. "T-That's not how it went."
…
"Look, I don't care for… our past animosity and all. But I kind of want to enjoy this free day and I would be more than happy to spar with you tomorrow. From what I know of those visits, it's generally a full week, right?"
He slowly nodded. "Y-Yeah. A week but… what kind of spar are we talking about?"
The brief stutter was probably tied to how calm I was about it. I was so chill and so at ease. I was probably putting him off by how composed I was despite how he had jumped into the matter, clearly expecting more emotion into this matter. And, if I have to be honest, I would be less diplomatic and more stabby had I not been getting my emotions under check. I wasn't going full drone, but I needed to hold back those from harming myself and others. So, I decided to keep it smooth as I had no genuine reason to be surprised. It was quite common for this kind of world to have cray-cray people, and I could say I was a nutcase myself so-
"I was thinking of one of those that happens when two sparring partners are training, but with less restrictions. We're not having a duel to the death. Not within a context which would ruin our careers one way or another," I answered without hesitation. "How about we go through… five fights? One per day, and then the one that wins the most is considered the winner?"
Onoki considered it for a while, but I could already tell I had just poked the right button in his mind. If one fight was good, then five sounded ideal. He was soon smiling and shaking hands with me, and proudly saying that he was going to trash me up without hesitation and showing me how strong he was compared to me. And just as he finished saying that, Onoki paused as his stomach grumbled in hunger. I stared at him, he stared down in embarrassment at his particularly loud belly and actually apologized about it.
"S-Sorry. I was so excited I kind of skipped breakfast today and-"
"Wanna join me for lunch? I think mom wouldn't mind an extra guest."
While that would be off-putting to many, I think I never saw a 'foe of mine' look so giddy and interested at the idea. I wasn't sure if it was because he was hungry, curious about me as his rival, or perhaps interested to see the mother-son dynamic he didn't have since his parents died years ago, but I just allowed him in. I had doubts he would do something stupidly suicidal, not when I mentioned that my 'soon-to-be step-father' would be there too. I could only imagine his face when he found out about Madara's current role, but I also had plans in case that deterrent didn't work as intended. The moment he tried anything funny, I would just castrate him and leave him to die hidden in the deep green woods around Konoha. I may be forgiving, but I was still the mean little murderer of those that tried to annoy my family. Yet, there was something else to it. I was no longer so quick to piss off, and I definitely felt 'younger' to a degree.
I feel more chill than usual. Definitely like I was before the war, but not to that degree. Not yet at least. But it sure feels good to be this calm, to be this hopeful of the peaceful days rather than expect attacks everywhere. Ignoring Onoki's sneaky attack.
Nonetheless, I had plans for tomorrow's spar. And I just had this good idea I wanted to test out my sealing skills.