*TRIGGER WARNING*
I don't know how I feel about this chapter but I thought it might be okay. Idk... I don't like the idea of everything rn but I think it's important sooooo I hope you enjoy!
Ambers POV
I look at Carter already staring at me as I start to shake. "Carter!" I yell anxiously like I'm about to throw up. He grabs me and hold me tight. "Nobody can hurt you baby, I'm here, I promise you're okay. Shhh..." He comforts me as I have a panic attack from all my trauma. I scream, cry, punch, kick, hyperventilate. He hold my arms and legs by hugging me tightly, he kisses my head and rubs my back. They usually only last a couple second but they are the worst and most scary couple second I've ever felt. He holds me even after I'm done. He holds me to make sure I'm 110% before letting me go and kisses my forehead.
It starts happening more often. I can feel him getting impatient with me. Wanting me to recover faster. I feel like such a burden at this point. I bought a journal to write my thoughts in, hoping it will relieve some anxiety so I don't have to rely on Carter so much.
Day 1 of my journal:
I had another panic attack today but Carter was in his office so I tried to be quiet, even through my attempts to shut up he heard me. He came to me and comforted me without question. He's so amazing, he doesn't deserve this burden.
Day 2 of my journal:
My panic attacks are getting stronger and longer. They have gone from a few seconds to around a minute (give or take). I have little ones all the time that last hours, but the ones I'm writing about are the bad ones that make me unable to move. I hid away from Carter today cause I was in little space a lot and I didn't want to bother him any more.
Day 3 of my journal:
Even though Daddy and I never talked about the rules, one of them are that I'm not allowed to hate myself or say bad things. Even though it's a rule, I can't stop my mind from thinking them. My self confidence has gotten so low. I've been getting more anxious and depressed because of it. Around daddy I smile a lot and I don't act little so I don't burden him anymore. I'm so useless in his life, I shouldn't even be here.
Day 4 of my journal: Carter asked me if everything was alright today. I couldn't help but just laugh and assure him I'm fine. All I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry. While Carter worked today I "played" in my room. I couldn't slip into little space at all today. My thoughts were too dark for my little self to understand. I went to the bathroom, locked the door and ran the shower. I pulled out my eyebrow razor. I took it apart. I couldn't help but give into my old pleasures. I couldn't help but feel relieved. I couldn't help but feel better. My right hip is completely fucked now.
Carters POV
I notice Amber slowly getting more distant. She plays alone in her room, I hear her having panic attacks but it's obvious she doesn't want me around. Maybe it's because I'm frustrated and I keep taking it out on her. Maybe it's because I'm spending too much time working and she thinks I'm avoiding her. I know she needs me the most right now, but she keeps pushing me away. I hear her panic attack go on for a couple minutes when I hear her walk to the bathroom to have a shower. The shower run for about 30 minutes when I hear her walk to our bedroom probably to get dressed. She's sniffling. Was she crying in the shower? I walk up the stairs to our bedroom and see her jump when I touch her arms to pull her in. She quickly slips on her biker shorts as if she wanted to hide her ass or something. "Why are you being distant baby girl? You haven't been little in a couple days, at least not around me. You've been having panic attacks alone and now crying in the shower? You need to talk to me baby." I hold her close wrapping my arms around her waist to meet her stomach. "I'm here for you." I whisper in her ear. "I'm okay, I promise. I've just been tired. Don't worry about it." She's tired? That's her excuse? I spin her around to meet my eyes. Hers are puffy and red. Still dripping with tears. But she looks away and resists. I grab her hips and pull her close as she tries to move away. She bites her lip but not the same way she usually does. Is she in pain? I release her hips and grab her waist instead and she drops her lip. "Why didn't you call for me when you were having a panic attack earlier?" She pushes me away. Successful this time. "I didn't have a panic attack. Even if I did, you were busy working so it wouldn't have mattered. I'm tired so I'm going to sleep. Night." Her tongue was sharp. Like a god damn knife. I couldn't even speak. She's never been so cold. She crawls into bed before smiling at me. She bites her lip and lays down. I get changed and get into bed with her. I place my arm around her and kiss her neck. Maybe she just needs some attention? I start to trace my fingers along her arm and her back. Kissing her neck eventually turning her on her back to have more access to her chest and her lips. She pulls my head in to kiss her. I can feel her cheeks against mine. They are wet. How is she always so quiet when she cries? I hold her tight to me and kiss her softly. Pulling away I ask her. "What's in that book?" I point to the one that was poorly hidden under some clothes in a pile on the floor. She pouts and turns away from me. "Princess, please, you need to understand how important it is to communicate with me. Without communication our relationship isn't going to work. I love you baby, I really love you. No matter what I'm here for you. Even if I'm working, you come first!" She looks at me with tears in her eyes. "It's my journal..." she whimpers. "See princess? It's okay, if you don't want me to read it I won't. Okay? You just need to communicate with me." I smile at her while she tries to smile at me. She can't. She can't even try. Her face is just numb. Tears falling but no emotions. I ask her if I can read what's in her journal and she nearly starts having another panic attack. "Baby, shhhhh. It's okay. Please don't worry, I won't read it. It's okay baby... shhhh..." I don't know what the hell is happening. I'm so terrified for her mental health. "I'm sorry I'm such a burden on you..." she cries. I'm in shock at those words. "A burden? Baby what the hell does that even mean??? Baby! I-I-I don't even-..." I cant think. How could my little girl think that? "Baby you're never a burden on me. I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I'm sorry. I'm here for you. That's my job, okay? That would never be a burden on me." I rub her cheek. She smiles at me. Then jumps into my arms. "Daddy I've missed you... if I tell you the truth do you promise you won't leave me?" She's on top of me in bed now hugging me. "Oh course baby. I'd never leave you. Ever!!" She pulls away and looks me in the eyes. "I know I smile a lot, and I know I giggle and have fun with you, but recently..." she hesitates. "It's okay baby, just tell me the truth." "Recently I've been really sad, and anxious. I've been playing in my room alone because I don't want to bother daddy when he works, with my anxiety or with being little. Since I haven't been happy I've had some weally scawy thoughts, and... I haven't been able to follow the rule of no being mean to myself. I've said mean things and thought means things... I wrote about it in my book... and... I guess if daddy wants he can read it. I just don't want you to be mad at me when you read the last thing I wrote..." she seems so disappointed. "Thank you for telling me baby, I'm here for you and I promise I'll help you get better okay? We can go to the doctors if you want, maybe they can help you. I never want my baby to feel alone or like she's bothering me okay? I'm here for you because I'm your daddy and I love you. You never bother me. Not once!" She giggles as I blow kisses into her neck. It's nice to see her smile again. Really smile. I ask her to bring me her book. I read it with her sitting on my legs facing me looking away and shaking with anxiety. I rub her back reassuring her it'll be okay. My eyes fill with tears as I throw the book to the side and grab her and hold her so tightly as I cry into her chest. "Baby, please, you can't do that. You can't. You can't. That's so horrible baby, I don't want you feeling that way. You're not useless in my life. You're the only reason I smile. I need you. Please don't hurt yourself baby. Please..." I pull her to my chest when I hear her start to cry. I hold her all night until she falls asleep. I couldn't sleep a wink. How am I supposed to go on knowing everything I love falls apart? Knowing as soon as I love someone, they get hurt. I don't know what to even do. Do I take her to the hospital to get her checked into a psych ward? Do I take her to a doctor to get meds? Do I call a therapist? What the fuck am I supposed to do?