The week rolls by quickly it's Saturday before we know it. Celeste says she wants to be designated driver. Josh plans on drinking his liver away and smoking a lung out. Meanwhile all I care for is a good quality puff and some shots.
Josh is wearing a dark blue beanie and a shirt the same color. He follows it up with a pair of blue denim jeans and black sneakers. His hair is all soft and smells like mint mixed with cologne. It sticks out a little underneath his beanie. I will admit that was the first time I ever checked him out in a light that was sexual. I wondered if Celeste was right. I wondered if he ever talked about me to her.
Meanwhile Celeste was going on and on about how she wished she didn't see Andrea. She finally mentioned it to Josh while we were driving over to the hosts house. The host was Jeremy Louis, basketball and baseball player for four years and one of the hottest guys Rosemond had.
When we get to the party it's just a few people. I felt like losers that showed up way too soon. There's music but it's not too loud but more of background noise. Josh goes and gets us red cups while Celeste and I sit on the couch.
Jeremy comes up to the both of us.
"Sup." He nods his head at me. "Cel, thanks for coming girl." He fist bumps her with his empty hand. She fist bumps him back.
"Thanks for the invite. Sorry we're here early." She apologizes.
"No probs bro." He takes a sip out of his cup on the other hand. "Wanna come tokey toke out back with me?" He turns to me. "You too." He smiles. Celeste looks at him then at me then him.
"We'd love to." She practically jumps out of her seat and grabs my hand, pulling me up. "I'm gonna get Josh." She disappears into the kitchen.
"So," he says, clearly nervous. "You liking it so far?" He brushes his hair back. He has long dirty blonde hair. He clearly uses conditioner. "I mean Rosemond."
"It's okay so far. Celeste is a great friend. Definitely glad I met her." I say. I try not to smile but I do so I look down.
"I knew Anne…" he begins to say. "You guys look so much alike. She was a total sweetheart." He paused. "I'm sorry…" he begins to say. It looks like he was about to cry. "I didn't ever want to sell her any pills."
"You sold her pills?!" I say almost loud. People start to glare. Where the fuck was Celeste and Josh? I'm about to bitch slap this guy so hard he won't wake up until next Saturday.
"She would always bring up your dad… I had a soft spot for her and shit. My mom died of cancer…" he starts to look down. "I'm sorry.." he says and takes a swig out of his beer. "She never chose me over Charles." He softly chuckles. It's more of laugh to himself.
I always knew Anne was well liked around school. I just never knew about Charlie or the drugs until it was too late. My heart cracks a little. I felt a little betrayed, untrusted. Maybe she didn't want to hurt me. Maybe she didn't trust me. I would never know.
"She never talked to me about any of this…" I begin to say. Celeste and Josh finally show up. The drinks had chamoy around the rim. Celeste had two drinks in her hand. One for her one for me. Josh has his in his right and he decided to give Jeremy the other one. His beer was almost gone anyways. He thanked Josh and then we all followed him out back.
He had a pre roll that was a light pink and a lighter that was almost the same shade.
Josh played some music I didn't even listen to. Nothing but beats it was like music you dance to.
I felt so awkward. I shoot Josh a text about what Jeremy said but he never picked up his phone after setting it down. They were busy being boys talking about school and where they wanted to go to college and for what. Josh wanted to follow in his moms foot steps. Becoming a male nurse and he wanted to go to community college for the first two years to stay close by for a while and save money. Jeremy wanted to be a pharmaceutical scientist so he could create drugs basically.
Celeste snaps me out of it
"Little Mermaid! What is going on with you?" She says worried. "You're not having fun are you?" She asks me, she looks disappointed like she wanted me to be here for her and have fun together.
I look at Jeremy and he shoots me a "please don't" look so I don't.
"I think I have to go home." I sigh. "I'm so sorry but I just miss Anne." I whisper into her left ear.
"I'll take you after the sesh." She says with apologetic eyes. Meanwhile I don't smoke simply because it's Jeremys and I feel like a line has been crossed.
-
ANNE
Every Wednesday I would go over to my plugs house. His name was Jeremy Louis and he went to Rosemond which was the high school for rich kids. It was a private school. He told me how amazing it was and how he wishes I went there. He says we'd hang out everyday if I did.
It was clear Jeremy had a thing for me and although he was a good friend I could never. Charlie had my heart. Charlie only came a few times, he didn't mind that Jeremy had a thing for me. In fact he encouraged me to go over there alone so we could get hooked up more.
I rang the door bell. He opened his door in just a few seconds.
"My favorite druggie." He says with a huge smile on his face. "I want you to quit but I don't want you to quit coming over." He smiles.
"Guess you have a serious dilema." I smirk.
I walk into his home and go sit on the couch while he closes the door behind him.
He runs upstairs and then back downstairs in a span of four minutes. My favorite color: green. In his hands.
He sits down across from me.
"Before I hand it over, there's something I want you to really think about." He begins to say and pauses for my response.
"What about? My dad?" I ask him. We had bonded over losing our parents so young. He also watched his mom die of cancer in the hospital while he was thirteen.
"No." He shakes his head. "Your sister. Your aunt. Me." He gives me a half smile that's kind of sympathetic.
"What about you guys?" I'm confused. Just spit it out Jeremy. He always did this.
"We would all miss you if you didn't wake up…" he tries not to sound so depressed and disappointed but I can see it written all over his face.
Besides the drug slinging, Jeremy was a really sweet guy. He always cared about people more than himself. This was not the business he should've been in and honestly I didn't need another person telling me what was wrong with me or try to therapise me. If it was an issue gather the "people that care so much" in a room for intervention and send me to rehab.
I never told a soul but I wish I died when my dad did. I wish life wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I had a purpose or meaning but even if I stuck it out, I would never be truly happy. In fact, if I make it to eighteen I'll buy a pistol with just one bullet and aim it straight through my skull. The thought of dying is the only time I felt true joy. But the Xanax, the klonopin, and mary they all made me feel more than suicidal. They sparked joy, relaxation, and happiness. I couldn't function without them at this rate.
Jeremy snaps me out of it.
"Are you really that selfish?!" He looks furious now. I guess he could tell that the people around me weren't a factor or something I considered while I got high.
"How does that make me selfish?" I say sounding disgusted.
"I obviously have so many feelings for you and you're just going to let that loser keep on dragging you down!" He shouts.
"You're literally a drug dealer…" I try to not sound too rude but it comes out wrong.
"Until you fucking die…" he mumbles. "It's sixty for the whole thing."
I put down the cash on the coffee table between us and take the drugs. I let myself out. He follows.
"Stop doing drugs with that loser Charlie before I have to tell your sister or aunt." He threatens from his door while I'm opening the door to my car.
I drive myself straight to Charlie's home right after I finished crying down the street from Jeremys house. Of course I cared about Ariel and Aunt Cheri. I just didn't care about myself.
When I text that I'm here he just tells me to walk in. He doesn't open the door for me or do nice things like that.
Charlie and I weren't serious. I just wanted someone to keep me company. He started screwing Alice again, Ariels best friend. I guess she was the kind of girl who wanted you to tap it then quit it. He told me about it. They had an on and off relationship. Once they were together we wouldn't hook up but still do drugs together. When he was single, we would do both. I told him several times I didn't want to hear about his encounters but he didn't care. He told me it all anyway. I guess it's because when we did do stuff I wasn't really into it. I always felt numb like my presence wasn't doing much and we were always high together. To be fair his whole sex game was boring. Who wants to do missionary every single fucking time?
When I walk into his house his mom is in the kitchen pouring the rest of the wine bottle into her glass.
"Oh hi honey!" She says to me as she tosses her bottle into the recycling bin in her house.
"Hi. How are you today?" I ask being polite. I think she's already drunk it's pretty late in the day for an alcoholic.
"Great. Charlie is waiting for you upstairs. The blonde girl is so rude I'm not a fan. I like you better. You guys better make it official soon!" She teases. I was right clearly. I just awkwardly laugh and head to Charlie's room.
He's fixing his bed putting new sheets on. I sit on the recliner he has in the corner. It smells in here. I do him a favor and spray some of the perfume I have in my bag.
"Gross." He mumbles.
"Smells better than the tuna you just had." I tease him. I never liked Alice.
"Hush now." He says. "I need a favor."
"Ask and you shall receive." I say and throw him the pill bottle.
"Yum!" He says examining. "How much did he charge you for this big ass thing?"
"Only 60." I brag.
"Although the favor is to go pick up some yay." He says.
"Okay but I don't want any!" I make sure to make it clear that I don't want it. The last time I did it my nose burned for a week and it was super runny everyday.
"Just a bump please baby?" He says with puppy eyes. He comes closer to me and brushes my hair behind my ears. He grabs my face and gives me a sweet passionate slow kiss. No tongue.
"Still a no." I say. "But thanks."
He laughs "bet."
"I'm serious." I say.
"Whatever." He drops it. He whips out two fuego drinks and opens up the pill bottle. He drops one in each of our drinks. They're blueberry.
I chug mine and he drinks his slowly.
Pussy, I think to myself.
I grab another one and chug some of his drink.
"Ready when you are." He says putting on his shoes.
"Ready." I say and get up.
We go in my car and I head over to some house I've never been to. I stay in the car for safety reasons and Charlie goes to the front door. It's a pretty small brunette girl and she hands him a tiny bag and Charlie hugs her then walks off.
It was already ten at night and I wanted to go home and take a nap.
When Charlie gets in the car I let him know and he looks disappointed.
"You gotta at least take a bump." He insists.
"No thank you," I say, never letting my eyes leave the road. Even with the bright lights beaming at me. No Rainbows plays in the background.
"Take one." He dares me.
"No." I scoff. "I'm driving."
"You better take one. Cost me $80."
"You wanted it, it's for you. I said no Charles!" I roll my eyes. He's so annoying.
"You dumb bitch!" He shouts. He grabs my phone from the aux cord and throws it into the backseat.
"What the fuck?" I looked away for a second and I was slightly over the lane so I swerved hard back into the right lane. Someone honked at me too.
He grabs his tiny spoon for powder and pushed into the bag. It's mostly rock. He immediately tries to shove it up my nose and force feed it to me. I try to fight him off with my right hand but he's distracting me too much. He drops it all over the floor but unfortunately I lose control.
Panic sets in and I fear that this is it. My big ending was a car accident no overdose. A truck hits the front left of my car and I spin out. I hit another car.
As the cars lights shine towards me I feel the hits. My back was hurt very bad. I think that's what broke first. I felt myself slipping away into the dark abyss and there was nothing but peace waiting for me.
I think about my Aunt who saved me from the hands of my mother. My mom who favored me when I was a kid. She would always brush my hair and put it into cute pig tails with the cutest hair ties. They had bows and beads and came in all colors. Then my dad, who I know would've never wanted this. He would be so disappointed and crushed to see his youngest go. Then Ariel. Oh sweet Ariel who always looked up to me even though I was younger. She was the one person I didn't want to leave behind.
I closed my eyes really hard. Almost like I didn't want to see my life leave me behind. I travel through the house I called home. It's like the room is spinning and I'm being forced out. It starts with being in my room then a force moving me out into Ariels room. She is sleeping. She wakes up and my aunt is at the door. They both have watery eyes and my heart breaks. I'm screaming but no sound comes out.
My mind is full of regret and then I'm welcomed into my dads arms.