Later that night, Josh and I were busy putting drinks and food out, along with all the other things we do. He spent so much money on just the tree. He rolled one for us for when we finished, which we almost were. Alice was too busy the whole time on her phone. Texting and clicking away. She comes up to me as Josh leaves to use the bathroom.
"So like why are you so jealous about Alan?" She asks with her phone in her hand and her eyes squinting in her good cop way. She's clearly suspicious and I've given her ammo. It's so hard to hide emotions when your monthly heightens them.
"Because you deserve better." I give myself a pat on the back for lying so well. Truthfully, Alice deserved someone who needed to be bossed around or demeaned. A beta. Maybe that's not nice to say about her but the way she treats people behind closed doors shocks me. I once caught her slap her younger sister just for borrowing her lip gloss.
She laughs. "Seriously, I need to know." She stops laughing and gets all serious. "I just find it suspicious that Josh had to side bar you. Did you fuck him when you went to South?" Her eyebrows raise.
"Listen." I sigh. I think about telling her everything but that really means the end for Alan. Despite seeing him with Katie, he owns my heart. It aches for him. "He's not who you think he is. He totally played some of my friends back then and from what I heard, now."
"I have options too though," she winks, "plus I'm only really hurting myself in the long run. Can't you just support me like a best friend should?" She uses puppy eyes me.
She's right, I should support her stupid ass decision to date and fuck whoever she wants. Her body, her life, her choice. I let out a heavy sigh.
"You're right. I just think my monthly is getting the best of me."
"Awe Ari." She hugs me tightly. "I love you too." She walks away to sit down, tapping on her phone as Josh walks out.
"Who's ready to lighten up?" He grins and walks over to the table the rolling tray is on.
"Us!" Alice and me say at the same time and we all walk outside.
We sit next to the pool like earlier and he sparks up.
He plays some Chase Atlantic and we vibe. The rotation goes him, me, and then Alice.
As it's my turn I notice there's a message on my phone. It must've been sent while we were getting the house ready.
I guess I'll c u tonite, we should talk
After passing to Alice, I show Josh in a subtle way while Alice puffs with her left hand and types with her right. Josh and I are now texting as we all sit there, listening to music and passing each other the joint.
J: holy fuck what are you gonna do
Me: telling her is out the equation, she already asked
J: i guess you can use my moms room, I'll give you the key under one condition.
Me: condition?
J: this is the last time. He's clearly digging our Ali. We don't wanna hurt our bestie, do we?
I just nod in agreement.
Nine o clock rolls around and people have already started showing up. The house was well on its way to being hotboxed. Everyone who wanted to swim in the pool gathered and were drinking. Someone brought a keg as well and it was set up right in between the chairs, like the perfect L shape wrapped around the pool. Music was booming inside and outside. I wish I didn't have to talk to Alan. I just wanted to party like normal. Maybe guilt is eating at me too.
Around nine forty Alice is all dolled up walking in, crossed arms with Alan who looks mighty fine. His hazel eyes shine with the chandelier reflecting light on them. He out gel in his hair for the curls to stay in his dark curly mop and he looks tanner than I last saw him. They walk over to Josh and I. Fake smile. Fake smile. Fake smile.
"Guys! This is Alan." She smiles big. She's actually happy. "Alan this is Josh and Ari." He shakes Josh's hand and just looks at me.
"Ali, a word?" Josh says giving me my final opportunity.
"I'll be back with some drinks babe." She gives Alan a kiss on the cheek, leaving some of her pink lipstick on him, before her and Josh walk off. I wait for them to be out of site.
"Babe, huh?" I scoff. I'm disgusted and an idiot.
"Erm," he scratches the back of his head awkwardly. "We should go somewhere private."
"So you can keep boning me in private?" I almost want to hit him.
"You know why." His tone changes, almost cruel.
Flashback:
I was walking home one day after school my freshman year. Headphones in, world shut out. Katie and I would usually walk home together but she left early since she had a dentist appointment.
Alan, the footballs quarterback, comes up to me tapping my shoulder. I take my headphones off.
"I've never seen you on this route alone." He grins.
Alan was in my English class and he sat behind me. He'd sometimes joke around with me and this guy Anthony we sat next to.
"Maybe it's because you never look." I flirt back.
"I'm looking now. What's good with you?"
"Well considering my mom basically has me on house arrest, nothing. You?"
"Girl I'm on the football team, I'm a real pimp out here." He jokes.
I laugh. "You need a good woman to keep you in check I see." I grip my book hard, I feel my heart beating a little faster.
"You offering?" He has the biggest smile plastered on his face.
"Perhaps." I smile back.
"Tonight at seven?" He asks, not providing anymore information on his idea of a date.
Sketched out but caught off guard by the cutest guy in school I find myself agreeing and exchanging numbers.
That night he picked me up in his tiny blue truck. He starts driving and that's it.
There was no date, he was just taking me for a drive. It was kind of sweet.
We talked and talked. He told me all about his childhood and how much he adored his mother and idolized his father. I told him all about my mom and how I never knew my dad. I told him I had a sister and he had one too and a brother. He told me his favorite color was blue and so was mine. We bonded over our love of food and music. Finally we're parked and I can tell he's going in for the kiss.
He leans in all nice and slow. My palms are sweaty. I'm so nervous. I don't know how lucky I got to get into this guys passenger seat. I close my eyes and start to lean in so we can meet halfway.
He stops about midway and my luck fades.
"Before I kiss you which I've wanted to do for a while now there's something you should know," he sort of half whispers and makes me even more nervous but he continues, "I'm not allowed to date. Therefore I don't want to put a title on anything and we have to stay a secret."
"Really?" I say, a little suspicious.
"Yes. Plus there's also Mandy." Ah, of course. Head cheerleader. Who doesn't want the prettiest girl in school?
"But if you're not allowed to date why are you with her?"
"Well you know.." he scratches the back of his head, clearly not wanting to say what I think he's going to say aloud. "Mandy is the head cheerleader, pretties girl in school, potential prom Queen material. And you..." he gestured up and down with his hand. "Nobody really knows you or sees you."
Ping right in the chest. Ouch.
"So then why do you want to kiss me and why did you ask me out?"
"Because I like you. I really do. You're the only girl I can actually sit down and have a conversation with. I can just imagine something with you. It all seems so perfect." He reaches for my hand and squeezed.
Me being the dumb bitch that I am, believes this was a sweet gesture and leans in for the kiss.
~
We head upstairs to Josh's moms room. I lock the door behind us. As soon as the door shuts he pushes me back against it and slams a kiss on my lips. I push him off.
"You just showed up with my best friend. Who doesn't even know we fucked!" I shout and wave my hands in the air.
"Don't you think you owe me some for absolutely wrecking my car?!" He shouts back. "Now come here!" He yanks me by the hair and pushes me on to the bed. I managed to kick him back and open the door.
"Oh you don't think your little whore gave you enough last night?" I ask with anger boiling my skin.
He looks confused and then it clicks. I cross my arms.
"Yup that's right. I knew you were banging Katie when you said you'd text!"
"How did you—"
"Oh her dad confirmed. I just had speculated. Once I knew I sure stuck that jolly rancher!" I shout the last part.
"You fucking bitch," his hand rises and just as fast it hits my cheek.
He slapped me so hard I fell to the floor. He had never hit me until now. Sometimes we would have sex while he would push it on or when I really didn't want to. I never knew how to say no. But now, I'm on the floor, seeing red. I get up to hit him back but instead he pushed me back down. He then proceeds to pick me up and throw me on the bed. Alice walks in.
Two drinks in her hands. Shocked expression on her face. I beg she sees my face and sees his huge hand mark but she doesn't.
"I can NOT believe you! I fucking asked you if you fucked him!" She shouts. She's mad at me? The audacity.
"He was the one who was forcing himself on me!" I defend myself as he's still in front of me. His belt unbuckled and fly open while I'm just laying on the bed, fully clothed. "Don't you fucking see!?" I ask gesturing to his area.
"Baby, it's not like that. She dragged me up here, talking about she needed to warn me! She even tried to lock the door!" He defends and grabs the keys out of my pocket. He moves out of the way and I stand up.
"Ali, please. I can explain everything. I am not the bad—"
She pours a drink on me, cutting me off.
I gasp in shock and anger.
"Slut!" She yells and runs. Alan chases after and I'm left alone in this room with a drink all over me for almost being forced?
I started to cry. I didn't even care if anybody heard me or saw me. I just hated myself. For Not ever being good enough or pretty enough. It should've been me.