Flashback
"Ari?" Anne says to me as I'm laying in my bed silently crying and facing the wall.
"Yes?" I manage to hide crying very well, it's a skill really.
"Why do you love Alan? What's so special about him?" Just her 15 year old innocent mind trying to comprehend her sisters problems.
I wipe my tears and nose really quick and face her. My eyes are probably bloodshot, they feel like they're burning.
"One day, there were these boys calling me really mean names like slut and whore. This one guy in particular said I was easy." I sigh, I can still feel the pang in my chest Tommy Ricks left when he said that. "And this guy, Alan, jumped into their conversation and defended me. From that day on, he would meet me at the empty school library and would spend lunch with me."
"But if he was so nice then why is he such a jerk now?" She says almost judging me. "I mean I understand that one day he was a hero but just because a guy does one nice thing, is that suppose to outweigh the bad things?"
I almost want to tell her to fuck off but instead, "Is there a guy you like who's like Alan?"
"No," she looks down and I can tell something is wrong. Awfully wrong.
"What happened Anne?" I sound overly concerned.
"Nothing Ari, but I just wish you knew how much better you deserved sometimes." She gets up and walks out the room, closing the door behind her.
~
The next day I wake up almost at two in the afternoon. I can tell Aunt Cheri just cooked something with chicken and potatoes in it. My stomach growls. I look down and I realize I went to bed in white sheets. What an amazing start.
I walk into the kitchen and I see Aunt Cheri sitting on the table in the dining room facing me.
"Good afternoon," she says and takes another bite. "Your mother called."
"Lunch smells delicious," I pretend like I didn't hear that second part.
"She says she misses you and she wants to see you, talk to you." She pushes.
"I have nothing to say go her so let's just drop it, thanks." I grab a plate for myself with some water and sit right across from her.
"You know, our mother died too. I hated her too for what she did and you know what? I regret not talking to her for two decades just to find out she left before we got to make amends. I don't want that for you Ariel."
"I wasn't the one who never chose her children." I sigh. "I'm not ready to talk about Anne."
"Ari, it's been two months." She reaches for my hand and squeezes. "I love you honey, you're the closest thing I have to a child."
"I love you too Aunt Cheri."
We eat our lunch in silence.
Flashback:
It was late, almost midnight. Alan and I had just finished hanging out. He dropped me off right after he told me he still wasn't ready to be in a public relationship with me yet. He said I wasn't the only girl he had feelings for. There was some other girl, apparently I knew her so he wouldn't tell me who. I told him I was done, that I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want me. He said he understood and would let me be and that he would still want to be friends because our bond is strong. I told him I would need some time to think about it.
My heart felt like it shattered, tears were hot behind my eyes the whole ride home across town. When he finally pulled in front of my house I ran out of the car so fast. He called out my name but I didn't turn back. Deep in my heart, I wanted to be done. I wanted to face forward and leave him behind. I wanted so badly for him to never look my way again or breathe my air. But I knew I was too weak to let the only love I've ever known forever.
I run straight to my room, I wish it had a lock. I didn't want Anne to come in here again and give me her opinion on how he's bad for me or I'm too good for him or that I'm too blind. Unfortunately for me though, she walks in anyway.
She sits next to me on my bed and rubs my back gently as I silently sob into my pillow.
"Ari, I hate to see you this way" she sighs, "I wish you knew-"
"Knew what? That you think I'm too good for him? That's he's Satan himself?" I scoff. "Guess what? I know. But I don't care, wanna know why? Because I love him, love ruins you."
I can feel her getting sad with me too.
"We always take the love we think we deserve." She sighs, "this guy, Charlie, we dated for like six months, he just didn't want it to be public so it was all secretive."
"When did you—"
"Two months ago it ended, that's why I wanted to know. We're both equally fucked up." She interrupts answering the question I didn't even get to ask. "Every time I said I was going with my friends or to study, I would go over or we would go for a drive. It was all so lovely. Until the new girl Riley showed up with her long brown hair and perfect shaped ass." She sounds so disgusted.
She had only just turned sixteen, coincidentally two months ago and I wondered if it was on her birthday. I don't dare ask , it could be traumatizing. Instead I say nothing. I just wipe my eyes as tears still fall. She pushes my hair back and proceeds to rub my arm.
"Can you promise me something?" She breaks the silence.
"Depends on the promise." I say with tears and a cracked voice.
"Promise me you'll find someone better." She hands me a water bottle.
I finally turn to face her and snatch the bottle, chugging it down. She wipes a tear from my left eye.
"One day, I promise." I toss the water bottle at her as she gets up. She throws it back at me.
"I love you, cry it out." She walks out closing the door behind her.
~
Summer is coming to an end. I decided I would spend my time in Josh's pool, unfortunately Alice was also here.
We were all friends, always hung out, ate lunch, walked to class together. I guess it all started when I was new to our school. We all happened to have the same AP U.s. history class. I had transferred from the schools rival, they made it seem like such a big deal since it's a constant battle for the football team. Our bond has always been tight except Alice wasn't always the best person to be around. Alice was a cheerleader, popular, pretty blond thin girl who was really into being prom queen this year. She could be such a bitch sometimes though. I remember a guy from the band tried asking her to the prom a few months back and she smashed an ice cream cone on his head. Maybe there's a back story but pretty effed considering people were watching.
Josh on the other hand was a quiet nerd boy mixed with a little emo. He was kind of cute though, his Justin Bieber 2009 haircut was doing it for him and his beanies. He clearly worked out but he kept to himself, mostly. His good looks got him a lot of attention, both from girls and the guys. The wrestling team and the football team would pay him to do their homework. He would probably be our valedictorian this year when we graduate.
Josh was the one who came up with our nick names "Ali and Ari" so we called him (and by we I mostly mean Alice) "joshy-kins". She claims he just need to get to know her and he would fall in love immediately. Unfortunately, we had no idea if he even liked anyone yet alone dated. I was really started to question his sexuality at this rate. Fortunately for Alice, she had set her eyes on Alan, my very secret boyfriend or fling or whatever the hell he wanted to call himself this time.
We were all laying on chairs in the backyard. Josh had a headphone in on his left ear next to Alice. Alice was "working on her noneven tan" by laying on her stomach. I was busy writing all my secrets and feelings in my diary. Like last night.
"So what did you guys do last night?" Alice asks us.
"You know me, game all night, sleep never, live off espresso," Josh laughs.
"Just enjoying my lovely monthly companion," I sigh. I wish I would've told her about Alan before she met him. It's too late.
"I linked up," she sings and does a fist pump.
"YOU LINKED UP WITH HIM?!" I ask almost angrily.
"Wait who did she link up with?" Josh asks, removing his headphone.
"I met this guy, Alan." She grabs her phone and shows us a picture.
Josh's face drops. He knows. He also knows I failed to mention that they've met. And that she still doesn't know.
"He doesn't even look like your type." He quickly looks away and puts the headphone back in, this time in his right and he doesn't even look at me.
"You're so right. Usually not but my god can his tongue speak languages!" She exclaims. I wonder if they went all the way. I remember he was the one who gave me my first out of the two guys before.
"Just his tongue?" I try not to care.
"Unfortunately," she sighs. "He had to go to this dinner with his friends he forgot about."
If dinner means Katie, then sure.
"So you just totally ignored my warning?" Looks like anger can't hide as well as I need.
"Not much of a warning, just a hypothesis," She giggles.
I roll my eyes. Her way or the high way.
"What's your problem? As my bestie it's your obligation to be happy for me." She fake frowns.
"I would be if you listened for once." I wish I could just tell her how much of an asshole he truly is.
"Well maybe you should get to know him like I do," she smiles again, clearly pondering on last night. Why am I so jealous? He's the one who can't commit.
"If I did that, you and I would stop being friends," I say under my breath.
"Ari! A word?" Josh says pulling out his headphones and standing up. He yanks my hand before I can even say no.
"What is your problem?" He asks me. "You didn't even have the decency to tell your own best friend after you found out?" His volume is low enough for Alice to not hear but loud enough for regret and guilt to combo my stomach.
"I caught him with another girl last night," I whisper, "she was my best friend when I went to South."
He gasps. He's shocked. He smacks my arm.
"Why wouldn't you tell her?" He puts his hands in the air. "No way are you ruining our awesome trio, I'm telling her. NOW!" He turns and I grab his arm.
"Please don't." I beg.
"Give me a good reason why."
"Because I still love him." I sigh. I can feel my eyes getting watery. I'm disappointed in myself. I wish Josh knew how much.
He looks at me with an apologetic gaze. He rubs my arm.
"Joshykins!!" Alice shouts, "can I invite my new boo to your party tonight?"
Our "party" was supposed to be our end of the summer get together. Apparently Josh had one every summer. It was just a select few people but somehow this years turned into a whole district blow out.
He looks at her then me and back to her.
"Yes I'd love to meet him."