ーAfter Emi and Hiroko had finished eating, they both got a chocolate chip cookie at a nearby convenience store that was in the middle of the streets, a little far from the main point in Tokyo. After they left the convenience store, they headed towards the arcade, hastily. It was around six or seven in the evening and they were roaming around the city.
"Mommy, look. It's the arcade building," Emi had pointed out. She was holding onto Hiroko's left hand and she began jumping up and down with excitement.
A few footsteps appeared from behind them.
"Hey, Hiroko, what are you doing?" Kazuo groaned. He was standing a few meters behind them, his back sloped and his hands halfway inside his pants' pockets. His hair was slicked back and it shined with the light of the street lamps and the sun that was barely visible. His eyes seemed tired, a few dark bags held onto his bottom eyelids. His white dress shirt was a little unbuttoned and his black tie was loose, nearly falling off. His black pants were in good condition alongside his black, shiny shoes. Although, his feet were a little fluid in movement, possibly because he had been walking in them all day. He then stopped and let his feet rest from what seemed like the dance party they were having. He picked up his left foot and put it on its tippy-toes, while he leaned his body towards his right, leaving all the pressure onto his right leg.
"....." Hiroko didn't say anything, she just stayed silent and tilted her head downward, not letting anyone see her eyes. Her lips shook a little, as if she were holding back some tears.
"Uh.. I bought some anime stuff, daddy," Emi hesitated and tried to change the mood a little bit. She knew that they were in trouble, and it was because of her.
"Tsk," Kazuo glared at Emi. "What the hell are you doing in that woman's outfit, kid?!" He raised his voice. His mouth hung open angrily as he shook his head to the side and then back towards Emi.
"Um.. Mom and I were justー" Emi stopped talking. She almost began to cry. She didn't want to put up with this pain anymore. She just wanted to make both her parents happy but she didn't know what to do anymore. Emi couldn't do anything to help this family. She was just too weak to actually do anything that would make a change. She hated herself for that.
For a few minutes, but what felt like hours, they all stayed silent. Kazuo glared with a scornful look at his wife, and daughter whom he wished was a boy. The air grew heavy, putting even more pressure on the girls. The sun began to fall down even more, just like Emi's endurance and ego. Her eyes had darkened and she couldn't feel anything anymore, she messed up this day. There were no people around and some cars would pass by, on the road, occasionally. The wind blew Hiroko's hair back and she stepped forward.
"Kazuo! Emi is our daughter, she is a girl!! No matter how much you want her to be a boy... she will always be our little girl!!" Hiroko screamed at her husband. She was genuinely mad because she knew exactly how Emi felt, she knew Emi was sad, depressed, and put on a smile just so she could make Hiroko happy. Hiroko truly loved Emi, and Emi loved Hiroko. She was done with all the holding back and not being able to spend time with her daughter without having to fear her husband catching them outside of the house together. She slammed her foot on the ground and narrowed her eyebrows. She clenched her fists hard and her veins began to pop out.
"Youー Like you'd ever know how I feel!! I always wanted a boy but I know that if I had one with you, you could die. And I don't want to do that to you!" Kazuo shouted as he straightened his back and grit his teeth.
"So why don't you leave me for anotherー" Hiroko was interrupted.
"SHUT UP!!" Emi cried out to both of them, tears were flooding her face and her nose was beginning to run. Kazuo jumped back, Hiroko especially. They were taken away by the sudden interruption from Emi.
"THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?!" Kazuo yelled at his daughter, clearly pissed off. He just got back from a long day at work and now he was arguing with his wife and daughter.
"I SAIDー SHUT THE HELL UP!! Every day for the past few years. Every hellish day, there isn't a single day where I can just enjoy my life and be happy with the both of you, beside me. I wake up, get ready, and mentally prepare myself for all the shit I have to put up with because of you two, especially you, dad! I can't live my life as a normal little girl anymore, I never had the chance to even try it for real. Because every time I attempt it, you're just deep in the back of my mind, haunting me, chaining me down. I can't do anything with mom. You always find out. And when you find out you hurt mom and you abuse me as well. What kind of father would do that to his daughter and wife?! We aren't your puppets, we're not dolls. We're two humans; two girls. Why can't you just leave us alone! I have to do things with you. Don't you understand how I feel or how mom feels? I thought you loved her, that's the reason why you married her isn't it? So what the hell is the problem now?! Do you hate yourself? Did you mess up? Did you do something wrong? Did someone say something to you? Do you just not enjoy the way you're living?! Because I know for damn sure that I hate myself and I don't want to live in this way anymore!! I just want you two to be happy, again. Andー It's my fault you two can't be happy in the way you used to be. It's all my fault. If I was never born. If I was never a girl. If I was never your child. Everything would be ok. So just kill me! Because I feel like I deserve it! Hell, Why wouldn't I deserve it?! I messed up your marriage, I messed up your future, I screwed up your lives. I'm just a burden. I'm just a pathetic excuse for a child. I wish I was never borー"
Hiroko slapped Emi.
Kazuo flinched back, with tears in his eyes.
"Take it back.." Hiroko began to sob, even after she swore to herself that she wouldn't anymore.
"...." Emi finally took in the words she was saying.
"Take it back! You're not at all at fault! You didn't have the choice to be born into our family. It wasn't your choice to be a girl! It's not your fault, it's all our fault. Even if neither of us wants to admit it! So pleaseー please don't ever say those things ever again. Don't talk about death. Don't talk about being a burden. You're not a burden at all. I love you the most, I love you with all my heart, and nothing will ever change that because you're my daughter, you're my child!! So take it back!!!" Hiroko screamed at Emi in the middle of the street.
The sun was fully gone. All take-backs were gone. Kazuo didn't know what to say. Emi just stood there with tears racing down her cheeks. Her lips were quivering and her body had produced a lot of sweat from her anxiety.
"It is my faultー" that was the only thing Emi could say.
"You're right. It's all your fault. If only you were never born," Kazuo took it that far. And those words were something that nobody, nothing, anything could ever fix. It was forever engraved into his throat and Emi's heart.
Hiroko fell to Emi's arms and wrapped herself around her. She cried and cried and cried. Overflowing with sadness and despair due to her daughter's shattered heart and emotions. "Screw you…" Hiroko resented Kazuo.
—After all of this, Emi's ego was mangled, she wouldn't speak or move for three weeks straight. She had relied on the nurses at the hospital to help her out. During the whole argument in the middle of Tokyo, another family had worried about the little girl, Emi, so they stood and watched for a little, afar. Then they saw how Hiroko slapped her so they immediately called for help and Hiroko was taken in for questioning. While Emi was numb in her hospital bed. And Kazuo finally was able to relax, at home, after his long day of work.
* * *
ーOne of the most important memories she had with her mom was the one when they said goodbye and never spoke another word to each other afterward. This memory was deep within Emi's heart. She had finished her recovery from the Hospital when she was nine and then she moved away with her father, not by choice.
Emi finally made it to the bathroom, she tapped on the door and then opened it some more. The moment she laid her foot on the floor, a shot of coldness flew up to her thigh. It wasn't extremely cold, but it was easily noticed. She flipped the light switch then closed the door behind her.
ーAfter finishing her visit with the toilet, she flushed and washed her hands. She struggled to raise her hand, then reached for the doorknob. She walked out as she crossed her arms and rested her hands on the opposite arm's triceps, then rubbed on them as if she were shivering with the coldness of the air. She made it to her room's door. And right as she was about to enter, she heard two voices from the living room.
"So you're sending her to school?" It was Kazuo's girlfriend, Toshiko, asking the question.
"Sure am. I feel like it's finally time for that child to go out and make some new friends with the guys at the school," Kazuo had only thought about himself and his desires. It was a wonder how Toshiko had fallen for a guy like him.
"Yep. She does need friends. I hope she does well with the boys and doesn't get into a relationship or develop feelings, for your sake," Toshiko continued.
It seems the conversation had ended or taken a pause, either way, Emi didn't want to keep on listening. So she began walking into her room, slowly. But before she did.
"You... Are not my mother," Emi scorned, with dead grayish eyes. She had opened her eyes just so she could show how much she wanted things to be normal, she hated this life, and hated her father, yet, she loved him. And she even enjoyed it when Toshiko talked to her. Emi possibly thinks of her as a friend that is older than her.
Exhausted, she let herself fall onto her bed which was oddly bigger for just her. Emi's arms stretched from corner to corner, her right leg barely being on the mattress. She sighed deeply and blinked.
"Man, I hate it here. I hate this life. Why should such a small girl experience this from such a little age and still continue to deal with it?" She asked, not expecting a response. She bit her lip hard enough to make it bleed. Even so, she didn't mind the pain. She just shrugged it off. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth, "I'll just keep 'em closed for now."