As much as Vivian hated to admit it, it was still bothering her as the day wore on. In fact, the fact that she didn't have any hobbies was just gnawing a bigger and bigger hole in her mind.
While Vivian was washing the dishes in the kitchen with Dessi that evening, she could see that the older woman was thumbing through some book that was sitting on the counter nearby as she waited for Vivian to pass her a dish to dry. Vivian wasn't exactly that chatty with Dessi, but she had found that nowadays the older woman didn't make her bristle so much anymore. So as Vivian continued to silently pass Dessi dishes, she couldn't help but wonder about the book that she was reading. Was that a hobby of Dessi's? Did Dessi even have a hobby? She couldn't be the only one without one, could she? In an effort to ease her mind, Vivian spoke up.
"What are you reading?"
Dessi looked up from the book to glance at Vivian, almost with a bit of surprise to be spoken to.
"It's a cookbook the lady picked up for me that supposedly has recipes from the far continent. They're certainly exotic enough to be from somewhere else: some of these techniques I've never even heard of."
Vivian fell back into silence as she passed Dessi a dish. Vivian's brow was furrowed though because she was struggling with whether she wanted to bring her dilemma up with Dessi. Why was it Dessi that was the one that was so good at listening to problems and helping them? … Then again, if Vivian was to tell all these things to her peers she felt like that would be more shameful. She'd be effectively telling them that she didn't like anything, and that just seemed sad. It was sad even to bring it up with Dessi but at least Dessi had already seen her sad and pathetic and Vivian didn't have as much of an investment in what Dessi thought of her. So perhaps she really was the only one that Vivian could talk to...
"Interested in cooking?"
Dessi's question startled Vivian out of her thoughts, and she glanced over at the older woman before quickly turning her eyes back down to the dishes.
"No. Well... I don't know. It's never sounded that interesting, and I don't really enjoy it that much when I'm on kitchen duty."
The furrow in Vivian's brow was just getting worse, and more words slipped out to try and avoid leaving the conversation thread to Dessi. Vivian would rather be the one steering it.
"Do you like cooking?"
"I do indeed. I like how every day is different depending on what I decide to make and there seems to be a limitless number of recipes. Even if every single meal I made was a new recipe I still don't know that I'd have done them all. I don't want to just experience different recipes though, I want to learn how to do them well too. It's a never ending adventure, in my mind, one that I find both rewarding and fun."
Even though Dessi spoke fondly about her work, the good feeling on Dessi's face just wasn't echoed by Vivian. There it was again, that pang of jealousy. Instead of just getting straight to the point, Vivian continued her line of questioning, dancing around her main problem almost hoping that Dessi would figure it out herself so that she didn't have to say it.
"Is that what you do when you have free time? Think about cooking?"
"Well, think about it or practice. But that's not the only thing I do: I also quite enjoy sex."
Vivian scoffed a little at that answer and Dessi just laughed. This little bristling was such an improvement over the complete outrage a statement like that would've earned her in the past. To be even remotely reminded that Dessi has had sex with Vivian's lover was something that Vivian just hadn't been able to stand before, but now Vivian made no motion to leave. She didn't even look that upset by the comment; in fact, Vivian continued to probe much more than she ever would have before.
"Is sex really a hobby though?"
"Oh it certainly can be."
"But is it to you?"
Dessi rose an eyebrow at Vivian, but Vivian simply met the gaze with a furrowed determination of her own.
"I don't think so. Not the majority of the time, anyway. In the past it was: I would spend so much time thinking about different ways of doing things, how to make things feel the best in what contexts, how best to keep my partner's interest, how to lose myself in a long period of time with it... It was time-consuming and explorative, not just indulgent. I think sex becomes a hobby when you start putting the time deserving of a hobby into it. I don't really do that with sex so much anymore; don't get me wrong, I still enjoy it, but I think a lot of the time I was using on it has been replaced with cooking."
Dessi simply chuckled a little at that, but still Vivian was not happy. In fact, the creases on her face had only multiplied. Sex wasn't really a hobby for her then either: she didn't spend a ton of time thinking about it outside of the encounters, and she just tended to do spur of the moment things when she was spending time with Renard. She was definitely still in simply indulgence with sex.
… If her hobby wasn't sex though, then what did she want to have? Cooking didn't appeal to her, gardening certainly didn't, she'd never had any desire to care for a pet or interact with animals, and she didn't even enjoy reading that much. Where did she fall in this? What did she want to do?
Passing the last of the dishes off to Dessi, Vivian then turned and leaned back against the counter, staring intently at a nondescript spot on the floor. As Vivian burned a hole into the spot on the floor with her eyes, she realized that there really was no other way to address this than to just say it. Letting out a soft groan, she rubbed at her eyes with her hands, effectively shielding them from Dessi's view.
"I don't have any hobbies."
This came out as little more than a mumble on Vivian's part, but Dessi had evidently still caught it.
"Don't have any hobbies?"
"Yes! Don't have any hobbies!"
Vivian's louder confirmation was accompanied by a rather dramatic fling of her arms, and Vivian was practically glaring at Dessi for making her say this out loud like she was. Dessi had a slight look of amusement on her face as she stared back at Vivian, and this just made Vivian bristle even more. Was Dessi laughing at her? How could she be making light of this when it was something that was clearly bothering her! Though, if Vivian wasn't in the heat of the moment she was sure that she would also find this amusing. Out of all of the problems she could possibly have, Vivian was approaching Dessi with the rather benign wish to have a hobby.
"And I take it you want one?"
"Yes!"
The annoyance in Vivian's tone made Dessi bite her lip so as to not chortle. Vivian's glare effectively stifled whatever sound Dessi was tempted to make, and instead she carefully sculpted her expression to be more neutral.
"Well what are you interested in? Let's start there."
"I don't know."
Vivian's voice had returned back to a mumble, and Dessi very visibly rolled her eyes and moved over to where Vivian was standing to shake her a little.
"Don't you give me that woe is me nonsense; what do you have the most fun doing when you're just living life?"
Once again Vivian gave Dessi a bit of a glare to be so disturbed, and she flailed around at her until she'd effectively shaken Dessi off. Despite the fuss she'd made to get Dessi off her, she was quiet as she seriously thought about the question. When she finally spoke it was slowly, as if she was coming up with these things as the words left her mouth.
"I enjoy talking to Kyrie. Running around with Raine outside can be fun. I like to organize the lady's clothes and jewelry because they're all so beautiful, and consequently I think mending clothes is my favorite chore because I get to handle the fine materials. I guess... Maybe this is a little weird of me, but I also really like brushing Raine's hair. When we were in the Dominion the other ladies wore so many different hairstyles that I kind of wanted to try them on Raine or Lady Dandridge, but the lady doesn't like such frivolities and I didn't want to try something on Raine without her expressly asking."
"Well I think that gives you some pretty good candidates for hobbies, doesn't it?"
"Does it?"
Vivian's brow furrowed in confusion now, and before she could open her mouth to question Dessi on where hobbies were in there Dessi continued on.
"Try messing around with Kyrie's hair, she has enough for you to work with for whatever style you might want, and I can't imagine she'd mind. Then you said that you liked the lady's clothes and jewelry the most... We wear our uniforms all the time so I'm not sure trying to make clothes would pay off, but you could try your hand at making jewelry. Or even try your hand at making clothes for Raine's dolls, I'm sure she'd be pleased to have more options for them."
This left Vivian open-mouthed for a moment as she wondered at the possibilities of all this. Making jewelry? She didn't even know where she'd start with that! Making clothes seemed more feasible, but even then what was the point? It's not like any of them would ever get to wear them aside from in their own rooms. Still, if the act of making them was fun then wouldn't that be all the reward she needed?
"But... I've never done anything like trying to make jewelry or clothes before; where would I even start?"
"I would imagine that a good place to start would be asking Lady Dandridge for some books on the subjects. The clothing and jewelry ambitions might be a little more on the expensive side, but the lady hasn't said no yet so there's no harm in asking."
"What if I don't like doing any of this? I've never really crafted something before, it's never even crossed my mind; I wouldn't know what to make!"
"If you don't like it then come back to me and we can have another brainstorming session, but I suspect that once you get the material and start following the instructions of the books that you read then the designs will start coming all on their own."
Dessi laughed softly at this and Vivian pouted, but it was clear from the younger woman's evolving expression that she was beginning to come around to these ideas. Making clothes for Raine's dolls certainly could be fun, especially if Raine liked the outfits that were made. She'd only ever mended clothes though... Making them from scratch couldn't be that easy, could it? Then the jewelry...
Looking down at her own hand, she imagined a bracelet fashioned there that was made by herself and she puffed up with delight from the mere thought. She had no idea how it was done, but didn't all hobbies start out like that? There was a learning curve to hobbies, if there wasn't they probably wouldn't have much longevity; if they're not engaging then there wouldn't be something to keep people coming back to them.
Vivian pushed forward from the counter rather suddenly, and Dessi leaned back as the younger girl looked at her with a face of determination.
"Alright. I think it's worth a shot."
Vivian gave Dessi a smile that relayed the gratitude that she felt for this exchange. Vivian still wasn't at the point where she'd vocally thank Dessi for help given to her, but a smile was better than begrudging acceptance. Dessi smiled back at Vivian with an encouraging nod of her own, and the younger woman promptly exited the kitchen to go and find Mae.