"Come here, Theia." Ocean eyes slither down to savour the fullness of my flesh, the passion of his fingertips that skim affectionately across my aching skin wills me with a breathlessness that one cannot put into terms.
His words seem to reverberate past me, the room we lay in ours by the ocean. A home free of barriers barren of windows or doors to bring forth the comforting scent of the waters. The saltiness of it I can taste on the tip of my tongue. Crisp white curtains sway gently to the summer breeze that kisses our bodies. We are in paradise. Our paradise.
Lips as creamy as melted butter embrace the mark that lies upon the surface of my neck, his mark. He gazes down at me lovingly as if I were his universe cherishing my being. His deep and firm voice offers that unique sweetness with every word that slips out his mouth, he is tender but solely with me.
"Phobos." I beckon my male, as I glow up at my moon blessed. My arms open wide for him whilst he grins at my need to hold him to me.
Bare flesh hovers above me whilst he lies at my side to infiltrate the space I produced for him. Calloused palms stroke my waist to haul me to his heat, his nose nudging my cheek only to chuckle with a fondness and present it with a nip.
"Good morning," I whisper, my fingers driving upward through his thick hair as he hums binding his orbs indulging in the feeling I provide him with. His right palm is needy to grab my wrist and draw it to his mouth to deliver a playful bite to my finger. Mischievous male.
I laugh at his antics, not any laughter but one that makes love to my soul saturating me with remarkable contentment and warmness. Each of my fingers he kisses demonstrating his adoration for me as I nestle into his side lazily tossing my leg around his waist.
Settling my cheek against his beating heart I drowsily smile as I try to tune in my own with his pace. I want our hearts to beat as one. His nose dives into my locks as he breathes in my essence, relishing in it whilst I place my lips mildly upon his naked chest.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
"Undeserving." He murmurs as I flinch and grimace with confusion peering up at him, his words not fully registering for they were muffled and faint.
"What did you say?" I question raising my face to meet his, staring up at him from beneath my lashes.
"I said you are undeserving." He replies smiling widely planting a soothing kiss upon my forehead, a frightful disturbing variation of his words and actions agonizes me.
"W-What do you mean? Why would you say that?" The world around me dissolves into oblivion, the summer breeze manifests into a biting snowstorm clawing into my skin with a stinging rawness. I am thrust into a den of darkness as I stand with him in the core of an open field whilst his once devoted globes twist evilly and shift to one of disappointment as he regards me. No, do not look at me like that.
"You are undeserving, Theia." He takes a firm step forward towards my shuddering flesh as my heart cracks to that vile word he spits uncompromisingly out his vicious mouth over and over again.
"Stop it, Phobos. Do not say that, i-it burns when you do." I shake my head in denial, voice suffocating in misery whilst my steps falter as I try to escape his cruelness.
"Undeserving. How shall I call you my female when I cannot even stand you? You are a weakness, Theia." He roars mercilessly, sharp canines descending as though he craves to tear open my neck as I scream aloud blanketing my ears that bleed to his violent painful words with my trembling palms
"Stop it, Phobos. Stop it!" I wheeze tortuously gripping my torn chest as I swiftly arise upon my bed, panting frantically my chest heaving as I stare at the void wall in front of me. My eyes take in my surrounding with a fearful need to do so that propels me from within.
The bold four walls of my room comfort me acknowledging what I witnessed was not the truth but a vivid dream I lived through. My flesh is smeared with my sweat as I sorely clench my jaw locking in the emotions that bound me every night.
The clock reveals to me the time of my mourning. Three early in the morning, an ideal time to be awoken and to be shoved down into the hell of loneliness.
The silence is severe, but what is more brutal is that he is not present to comfort me post horror. To hug me and love my terrors away. Why must the one whom your soul seeks never respond? Why must he reside in that endless stillness that cuts you and lurk behind towering cliffs knowing you cannot climb?
As my fingertips brush across my cheeks to rub my perspiration the circumstance converts to a more gut-wrenching one for I discover what my cheeks endure is not sweat but my tears.
I had wept again.
Shifting towards my right I pick up the cloth I keep set by the bed desk every night for awakening, sweat glazed from nightmares has become a frequent occurrence. Wiping my flesh I gulp down the sting of my heart that wishes to deliver a further harsher strike to his thought that lingers.
Peeking to my left I find it is excruciatingly empty as it has been for the past years. Why do I hope that one night when the full moon consumes the dark skies he shall somehow lay by my side to perhaps surprise me when I awaken? Why do I yearn for him despite the ruthlessness he flung at me that night he vanished without a fight? I am obtuse. So utterly stupid for I chase him stubbornly despite his barbarity.
I lay back down the weight of my heart fastening me down and more burdensome than the one of my mind. Drawing on my blanket to stay beneath my chin I hug myself in an attempt to support my soul that grieves.
My body trembles to the chilliness despite it being not wintertime yet. Grievous tears flow down my cheeks whilst I weep inaudibly glancing up at the moon cursing her for the life she has damned me with.
It seems to be colder than ever tonight. I do not wish to awaken tomorrow for I do not wish to bleed anymore.
"Theia. Theia!"
I wince at the mild ascent in his voice and scrutinise him who sits at the head of the table. "Yes, Cronus?" I seek him meekly as he glowers at me with concern.
"I have been calling you for over a while now. What is on your mind?"
"I apologize, I was lost in my thoughts." I sigh wearily picking at my food with the fork, my appetite erased as I distinctly remember last night's nightmare. I scoff pitying myself, perhaps I would be the first in the entire world to possess one consisting of their mate and not a ghost.
"Why are not eating?" He asks again chewing on his food his eyes sharp and questioning as they penetrate mine. I swallow firmly burying the nervousness that engulfs me to his inquisition.
"I am not really hungry."
"Why so? You love to eat. Moreover, have you been resting, Theia? Your eyes seem too dull and you possess bags beneath your swollen orbs." He mutters wanting to drag out my truth from my sealed lips. He detests it when I conceal things from him, it infuriates him.
But this is a secret I shall take to my grave; I do not wish to apprise him about Phobos. Of whom he is to me or what he regards me as and why he has refused to claim me as his. It will bring forth a severe war among the four of us and I do not desire that. We embrace a warm past; I do not wish for it to be tainted with malice and blood because of me.
"I am fine, Cronus. You are merely over doubting me, you know I would tell you if something is wrong." I feign a smile of contentedness as I admire him for his endless consideration towards me whilst forcing myself to take tiny bites of my meal. Put on your mask, Theia. No wolf needs to be aware of your suffering for it is yours to deal with. Wield your strength.
"If you say so." He acknowledges sipping on his black coffee yet I see his suspicion that lingers beneath the surface.
"Theia, have you found your male yet?" Mother asks me softly holding the next spot of our conversation seated opposite to me by father's right.
"Why ask me the same question every morning, mama? You know my answer shall not be any different." I murmur amidst the pack's boisterous booming chatter.
"We never know Theia. You may find him accidentally somehow; the moon shall lead him to you." She defends giving me her sympathetic smile of encouragement. She keeps saying I shall find him abruptly and romantically as we witness in the movies or as some of our pack wolves met from the passionate stories they tell us of their very first meeting. It does befall.
The real world is nothing like the fairytales you fed me, mother. Rather it is a rigid slap in the face that compels you to wake up from your fantasy.
"We are aware that your male is not from our pack, but numerous others from other packs enter and leave our lands every day. I am incapable of grasping how you have not found your male?" Father grumbles of his upsetness as he wants for me to meet my moon blessed soon, he craves to be a grandfather to many pups.
I wish they would stop unknowingly poisoning me with this topic every morning. I understand, I am not eighteen anymore. I understand, my wolf is now alive and active within me and that itself should be a stepping stone towards my male. But my male does not need me! I want to scream it out to them and sob upon my mother's bosom but I cannot.
My storm is mine and mine alone, it shall add to my weakness if I seek solace from others.
"I hoped it would be one of Alpha Ares's males, they both are quite remarkable. I adore them equally." Mother sighs with her disappointment whilst father chokes and coughs to her past expectations for my potential mate.
Cronus chuckles with a shake of his head to mother's words as though he found her wishes truly amusing. "Deimos would rather leap off a bridge than fall in love and Phobos-” I hold my breath as his name is called out all of a sudden.
"Well, Phobos is...Phobos. I have gathered infinite news of him, his pack and his wolves and that is one of the reasons I chose not to visit him along with the long-distance travel of course. He is different now; his pack has moulded him into a barbarous beast. You know he has always been dreaded among others for his uniqueness, and packs now fear us because of the close-knit relationship we possess with him. Theia would never survive there. And you, Theia must keep your distance from him do you understand?" Cronus utters leisurely whilst wiping his mouth with his napkin.
His words are silver-coated arrows that aimed deep within my chest. A need to gag erupts, a need to empty the bare contents of my belly. The magnitude of what he said, I-I cannot handle it. It is as though he is agreeing with Phobos's truth.
"E-Excuse me," I whisper, my voice a cry in the silence as I rise briskly eager to wrap my distress whilst the chair screeches loudly against the marble tiles as I propel it backwards.
"Theia, what is wrong?" Mother inquires tenderly her eyes drowning with uneasiness to my antics as I run up towards the protection my room grants, a small panic attack surging. Keep my distance, you say it as if it truly were easy to do Cronus.
Sealing the door behind me I sink to the floor writhing towards the feet of my bed, sobbing softly banging my fist over my hammering heart striving to soothe my misery. I wouldn't survive? These terms of his are so similar to the ones Phobos inflicted upon me that fateful night. In other words, I am undeserving to be his female for I am weak and perhaps if I were stronger or if I were a warrior I would be worthy. All this Alpha blood running through my veins is worthless.
Locking my knees to my chest I weep silently as mild hiccups quake my flesh, I miss him. So much that it is gravely depressing and leaves a distasteful sense of vulnerability within me.
Our past memories are like briar vines that immerse deep into my body to leave me immobile where all I can do is reminiscence of him or perhaps imagine how things could be different between us. In a loving mate bond where my bed shall not be cold and void anymore.
A faint knock frees me from my agony as Cronus peeks in my chamber, his amber green orbs softening as they land on me. He takes a gradual deep breath and saunters towards me closing the door behind him. Stooping down he takes his seat upon the ground to my left quietly his eyes unwavering from mine.
Hoisting his right arm wrapping it delicately around my shoulders he draws me to his chest as I cry feebly. "I shouldn't have said that, I am sorry." He sincerely apologizes as he shifts to place a tender kiss of comfort upon my forehead.
"I know how important he was to you growing up, I did not respect your feelings at the table. Forgive me, Theia."
"It is all right. What you said was true." I murmur, my voice is tremulous and timid.
"If you are worried about not finding your male, do not be so concerned. He shall come to you when the moon thinks you are ready to have him. Look at me, I am an Alpha and I am obliged to claim my Luna as soon as possible but I am not hunting for her." He declares wiping my tears with the heels of his palms pushing a loose strand of my locks behind my ear.
"D-Do you not miss her?"
"I do. She is all I yearn for with every breath I take. But it is that loneliness that burns me, I am frightened I might fall for another. One who is not my moon blessed for that is how desperate I am." He responds tipping his hand upon my mattress staring up at the ceiling with a tired sigh. I know of his desolation; I live it every day. His throne must be frozen and barren as my bed.
"I understand."
"I know you do. But I need you to be strong, Theia. I need you to rise up and smile until the day he comes for you. And then you shall be submerged with delight. Well, not just you but mother, father and me. Your brother. I shall be the happiest of all." He grins as he tilts his face to the right to greet me.
"Why? Just because you may become an uncle and mother and father shall be grandparents." I beam at him teasingly as his eyes broaden to my words.
"You got me." He chuckles as he ruffles my hair whilst I giggle to his fantasies. Yes, that would be wonderful to expand our family. His orbs engrave my laughter as he tenderly regards me. "I do not wish to see you crying, Theia. You must always be happy for you are kind, gentle and compassionate unlike none other. Do not harm yourself."
"Okay, I won't," I declare giving him a curt nod of my trustworthiness.
"Good. Now, how about some ice cream to make that smile on your face grow wider?"
"It is early in the morning, Cronus!" I chuckle peering up at him as he gets up to stand striding leisurely towards the door to open it.
"There are no such things as an allocated time for ice cream, Theia. You know this." He smirks glimpsing back at me with his teasing.
"All right, I shall have some. Wait I will come with you." Whilst I arise to accompany him he halts in his steps to turn around and consider me with doubt.
"You do not possess any feelings for Phobos, yes? That was not why you were crying, yes?"
Silence consumes us as I stare at him caught off guard by his direct inquiry. I swallow achingly, my throat throbbing along with my heart.
"Yes, I possess no feelings for him. Do not worry." I mutter with a smile glancing away from his scrutinising globes whilst I step ahead of him down the stairs.
He does not probe further about it, perhaps he has gotten a sense of my soaring tension towards the male he discoursed of. Feelings? I neither possess any mere childish feelings for Phobos nor is it an infatuation. It cannot be love either for how can you love another if you do not recognise their soul? How can you love another if you haven't heeded them for years?
How can you love another if he does not love you back?
I do not wish to be a part of unrequited love, that is another burden my soul cannot withstand. How shall I lead my life from here onwards? Shall I go elsewhere for a while, to the place I envisaged last night? A small home by the ocean where I can be content with myself or would that home be another place of torment for me as my mate will not be there to warm it?
It is becoming disturbing for me to linger and witness mates in love, the way they regard each other eyes glimmering with affection limbs safely fastened around each other whilst the females bear their pups. If perhaps Phobos had left me some hope, that he shall return to me or at least strive for me then maybe I wouldn't feel so lost with life.
It is as though I am wandering in a darkened tunnel with no exit, I cannot discern my future only my past. He is the only future I know. How can you breathe without half your soul? Why do I feel it is simple for him to do so? Does he not dream of me? Does he not ache for me?
So many questions and the only male who can clarify them has dissolved into the shadows, he has forsaken our past and the bond we possess. I was mistaken about him all along; how much more naive can I be?
"Here you go, Theia." Cronus hands me a minute glass cup consisting of two scoops of vanilla ice cream.
"Thank you." I beam at him whilst I shovel some in my spoon placing the cold treat upon my warm tongue savouring the way it melts to slip down my throat.
"Why is it so?" He questions clemently as I meet his beckoning orbs.
"What?"
"Why are you not smiling despite your favourite thing in the world? Why does it seem to me that you are drowning and why is it that you won't tell me your truth?"
"Because it is my fight, Cronus. One I need to vanquish on my own." I peep down at the kitchen counter a dispirited smile upon my face.
"You do not need to battle alone; I am your brother Theia. Let me help you."
"You cannot."
"I can. There is nothing I cannot do for you."
"This is something no wolf can help me with but myself, Cronus. So, please. Please leave me be." With quivering lips and blurry eyes, I peer up at him pleading as he tortuously regards me.
"All right, Theia. Calm your storm and if you cannot I shall be right there with you." Arms coil around my waist he guides me to his chest whilst I nuzzle into his warmth, his familiar scent nursing my wound.
"I-I wish to go away for a while. Being here all I can recall is of my suffering."
"Then why don't you go stay with Deimos for a while. It has been a year since you saw him has it not? Would you like for me to arrange it, shall I speak to him?"
"No, I shall converse with him. We aren't pups anymore; I cannot simply barge in." I chuckle as I stand on my tiptoes to give a parting kiss to his cheek.
"Very well, off you go then." He beams down at me lightly driving me towards the living room as I flee to call the male.
Dialing his private number comes with a speed for I had memorized it as I called him frequently the year he left here to claim his throne. But over the years I did not summon him as often for I did not wish to disturb him. I see the difficultness that comes with the crown with Cronus and I know it is the same for Deimos as well.
A few rings pass for his deep-toned voice to resonate through the speaker. "Hello, Theia." He is calm and seems emotionless as always but I know he is truly not that way; he is for sure smiling right now. He is aware if he receives a call from this number it is me for Cronus has his own.
"Deimos." I greet back bringing the receiver closer to my lips.
"How are you?" He questions cordially carried along with the fleet scribbling of a pen over paper.
"I am very well and you?"
"Good. Why the call?"
"I missed you." There is no shyness that appears from uttering these words to him for I regularly do say it when we engage after a prolonged time. It is my truth; I miss our fellowship.
"I see."
"What is that response? Did you not miss me as well?" I fabricate a bewildered gasp laying my palm over my mouth as though I found his words to be unbelievable. I am certain he is aware that I am playing with him.
"I have. Rather I possess no time to miss another, my mind is steadily occupied."
"I see." I parody his gruff male tone attempting to impersonate him.
"Is that the best imitation you can do of me?" He chuckles amiably as I snicker merrily at his words.
"I can do better would you like to hear it?"
"I'd rather not." I laugh harder.
"Deimos," I whisper his name as I close my eyes preparing to visualize whom I wish to. Ocean blues come forth within my mind and I smile warmly welcoming his presence.
"Hmm?"
"I wish to come to visit you."
"Of course, you know you are always welcome here. When?" I wonder how it would feel like if my moon blessed were speaking these words to me instead.
"That shall be a surprise." He groans with exasperation, he does not like surprises much. Just like his brother.
"As you wish, I know I cannot fight you." He chuckles once more. I miss you, Phobos.
I wish I was chatting to your brother instead. Is it wrong that I sometimes imagine you are him? Is it wrong that I use our friendship this way to relieve my grief?
"Alpha, you must come now. Rosewood has rescued her male from the dungeon." Ragon heaves with tension from the other side interrupting our call.
"What?" I hear the commanding surge in Deimos's voice and I myself get intimidated and terrified by it though I wonder who Rosewood is. She truly possesses the guts to go against him does she not?
"What is happening?" I question, my voice faint and meek.
"I apologize, Theia. I must leave now. Know that I will be waiting for your arrival."
"Okay, I shall see you soon," I murmur as he promptly ends our call, his duties summoning him.
Sighing I sink back on the couch an immediate weary draining my heart to the thought of Phobos that never ceases to expire. Spending time with Deimos feels nice but it is also challenging for he nurses me to breathe but the closeness of his looks to Phobos chokes me.
"Phobos," I call his name out loud my lifeless orbs adhered to the ceiling.
"Phobos."
"Phobos."
Evil selfish male. My first kiss, the first time I was held by a male, the first time I felt the flesh of a male beneath my trembling fingertips. He stole all my firsts and faded without a mark neglecting me to be gut-wrenchingly haunted.
~~~
A/N
Hello, my little wolves,
It truly is a bitter chappy, little by little you shall understand her character.
There are still two more chappies left until the beast shall come for her! It will be an emotional rollercoaster from there onwards, I have it all planned. Stay tuned, my little wolves.
Don't forget to,
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