When I'm outside I'm still shaking.
(omg Candice, you're so pathetic. Why I had to freak out that way? He's just a man)
I reach the street and sign for a taxi, I try to clear my mind. There's nothing I can do now, I kissed him, it's done. I try to convince myself it was not a big deal.
When I'm inside the taxi I got a new message on Amanda phone. I instantly feel the cold shiver down to my spine.
**You shouldn't ignore me.**
(Shit... the mysterious person again.)
I need to find out soon who is sending these messages and if is it for Amanda or for myself.
When I get in home and show the message to Josie, she tries to calm me down again. Josie really thinks this is for Amanda, still it doesn't make anything easier for me.
Maybe I should reply and see what happens, there's no way I could go to the police or tell Jackson. The words are not clearly threatening, only I can tell this person have bad intentions.
Later I'm playing with Jax when the phone rings, since the messages started it makes me jump every time, but thankfully this time is just Randy. I'm distracted on the phone while Jax is playing on the floor.
"OMG Amanda! You saw that?"
Jackson voice scary me up, I didn't see him coming, he's on his knees phone in hand. Then I realize what he's recording, Jax is walking by himself for the first time. He walks to me and hold my legs with the brightest smile.
I leave the phone down, I don't even care to say bye to Randy.
"OMG baby!!! You're walking!"
My heart is exploding with happiness, I'm so proud of him now. My baby boy is growing up, I'm so glad I'm here to see this precious moments of him.
My eyes are watering, I really love this little boy like my own son.
I start to think about this little child that smile to me thinking I'm his mother, this man in front of me looking so happy thinking he's starting to rebuild his family. I'm living a lie, I didn't plan anything of this.
"Are you ok, Mandie?"
I didn't notice the tears falling on my face.
"Yes... yes I'm just happy."
I try to smile, I hope he doesn't notice the real motive.
(I can't stay here anymore. It's time to leave)
Later that night I put Jax to sleep in his bedroom and I'm ready to sleep too, still I don't think I'll have any sleep this night.
I made my mind, I'll stop pretending, I'm leaving this house as soon as I can.
I feel bad for her son and husband, but it was her fault not mine. She left them, I just delayed the reality staying here.
Now I'm too attached to my nephew and feel very confuse about my brother in law. I need to leave before things get out of control. Jackson is a great father, baby Jax will be fine with him.
I check the baby one last time before leave his room, for a moment I think if Jackson expects me to sleep in his bedroom like yesterday.
(No... last night was different, he was tired and stressed. He's better today.)
I decide to go to Amanda bedroom but I meet Jackson who is walking to his own room.
"Hey, not coming?"
I don't know how to answer his question.
"I... I was just checking on Jax."
"Sure... I'll let the door open."
(This is probably my last day here, I could make him company one last night.
I walk to his room, Jackson is laying in his bed. He look up at me and point to his side, I join him in the bed.
(It was easier this time, we can just lay here together and sleep. Tomorrow I'm leaving him.)
Jackson put his book aside and lay closer to me, I don't feel so uncomfortable anymore when we're that close.
"Good night."
To me this is more like a goodbye, I take a moment to look at his face. I'll never see him so close again, my heart is in pain but I know this is the right thing to do. Jackson deserves a real family with someone who really loves him. But I can't be that person.
"Night..."
He say to me, but there's something different in his eyes. I was wrong, tonight is not like yesterday, Jackson doesn't want me just to make him company at night.
For my surprise he leans over to kiss me, it supposed to be just a goodnight kiss.
But when his lips touch mine he doesn't pull back. First the kiss is soft, teasing, sweet. Then his hand travel down the side of my body. I don't know why I don't try to stop him.
When the kiss get deeper Jackson roll on top of me. His body is so warm and strong, I'm caressing his back, then my hands are beneath his shirt.
Jackson takes off the t-shirt and I can take a glance of his amazing chest. I bite my lip to suppress the urge to touch him again, he look at me and smile. He knows I'm trying to hold back.
Jax leans down again, but this time he doesn't kiss me. He bite my lip in the same spot I was biting before, my heart skip a bit and I feel that right between my legs.
Jackson scoffs and smiles against my lips, is almost impossible to resist this sexy and playful version of him.
My mind is cloudy, I'm lost in a mix of sensations. His hands on my skin under my shirt feels like pure fire.
When he reaches my breast I'm really close to lose myself completely.
Suddenly he breaks the kiss, his hand still on my breast. I open my eyes and Jackson is staring at me.
His eyes are locked on mine, he looks confused. He cups my face stopping me from look away.
"It was... it was never like this before."
I don't know what he means, I know it was probably better with Amanda.
"I really feel when we kiss, you are..."
He's trying to find the right word, I'm even more confused than him now.
"...You are here with me. For the first time I feel you really want me back.
Tell me I'm not imagining this. Do you want me?"
"...You really want me the way I want you now?"
His voice is husky, pleading. I can't answer that, the truth is I never wanted anyone like this before.
"I ...want"
The words come out of my mouth before I could stop it. I can't finish my answer, Jackson kiss me again, this time harder and I don't want to stop him, but I have to.
"Jackson..."
"Jax... please."
I need to stop him now, I don't know how much time I can resist him. His body, touch, skin, smell... everything is so perfect.
"Jax, no!"
Jackson immediately stops, he looks confuse.
"What is wrong? You don't want?"
(Oh no... he's disappointed.)
He looks hurt now, I can't let him think there's something wrong with him.
"I want you, you have no idea. But I'm not..."
I don't know what to say, how could I explain. I can't stop this without making him feel unwanted?
"I'm not feeling well..."
"What do you mean? Are you worried with something?"
"No, is not..."
(Shit.. just say something, Candice.)
"I think I have some problem, I had some cramps. I'm afraid it could... hurt."
The way I sound so nervous and embarrassed, I'm sure it's convincing.
"Oh! ok, don't worry. Did you saw your doctor?"
"No, not yet. I didn't have time."
"Amanda you should be more careful about your health, I'm taking you to the doctor tomorrow."
"No, you don't need..."
"It's done, Amanda. I said we're going tomorrow."
"Ok..."
He looks really worried, but I'll not be here tomorrow anyway.
"Come here, I think I'll have to wait a little longer."
Jackson hold me into his arms, I never thought he could be so sensitive and sweet.
(I'll miss him)
The next morning we're still together, this time he didn't left for work early. He's sleeping peacefully still holding me, he looks so beautiful.
"Are you watching me sleep?"
Jackson is still with his eyes closed, his voice is calm.
"I'm not...."
"Yes, you are. It's creepy, you know?"
He smile, that beautiful smile that warms my heart.
"Not going to work today?"
"Trying to get rid of me already?"
My heart sinks, he have no idea how right he is.
"I'll leave soon, don't worry."
After Jackson leaves for work I think it's time. I check Jax one last time, he's still sleeping. I'm devastated for leaving my little boy, but I can't keep with this anymore. I know Josie is already here, she probably is changing her clothes. I make sure he'll not be alone, but I can't see Josie now. She would try to convince me to stay, I'll call her later.
I take a last look around before I close the door behind me. I never felt this pain before, not when my mother left, not when my beloved grandma died.
I wish I could delete this weeks from my mind, I don't know what could be worse, forget about them or never seen them again. I walk some distance looking for a cab.
"Mrs Redgrave!"
I don't know if I'm already hallucinating, but I could swear I heard someone calling me, not me of course, her.
"Amanda, wait!"
I try to find where the voice is coming from, I see a man walking fast in my direction. I never saw him before, the good thing is I'm not Amanda anymore I don't need to talk with him.
"I'm sorry, you must be confusing me for someone else."
"I don't think so. You're Amanda Redgrave, right?"
Before I could dismiss the mistake the man introduce himself.
"I'm Detective Lucas West."
"Detective? I'm sorry but I dont have time to talk now, you can call later to set an appointment."
(If he can be able to find Amanda.)
"I'll not waste your time ma'am, I just need to make a feel questions about your husband."
"Jax? Is everything ok with him, he left this morning for work."
I feel my stomach getting sick when I hear his name.
"No, is not that. I need to talk about his business."
"Oh! You could have said that first."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scary you."
"Well, I don't know how I could help you. I know little to nothing about Jax business."
"I insist we should talk anyway."
(Oh, come on! what's wrong with this people? The drama never stop following them?)
Could you please just tell me if you recognize this man?
I take I look to the picture and I instantly recognize the man.
(It's the same man from the pictures I found inside the hidden box.)
"As I said detective I'm afraid I can't help you. I'm not who you're looking for."