I layed flat on my stomach, phone in hand as I typed. A knock sounded on my door that caused me to look up from my phone.
."Come down for breakfast." My sister called out from the other side.
"Hmm." I muttered back.
A few minutes later I was downstairs and seated at the dinning table. My parents were the type to leave early before breakfast and come back late at night after dinner. They were of course exceptions like in days I needed to go somewhere or National holidays and things like that. It was neither of those things so I was utterly suprised when I saw both of my parents seated at the table. I was curious as to why they were there but I won't ask them.
After a few minutes of silent eating my mom decided to make some small talk. "How are your classes coming along Kaiya?"
"It's fine."
"I hope you're reading?" She gave me a knowing look that I had seen one too many times.
"Yes."
That was the end of it before she turned to my sister to ask her the same question.
"School's okay. Everyone's great except this one guy, he's a transfer. He's tall, broody and had a tattoo. He doesn't really socialize much. Can you believe..."
As my sister chattered on about her life in school my phone vibrated in my pocket. I secretly pulled it out of my pocket, trying to be as descrete as possible.
I looked down at my phone screen, a notification lit up the phone. I clicked on it, automatically opening the message. It was from Izumi. He had sent me a sticker of some type of tall green frog, which weird but strangely funny. It made me smile.
"What are you doing?" My mom asked.
"Um, just..." I waved my now switched off phone in the air. "Playing game."
She squinted her eyes at me before looking away. "No phones at the table."
I nodded, dropping my phone on its back so the screen was facing upwards. Almost immediately a new message notification popped up causing the screen to light up.
I quickly pulled off the table before Misumi could see the message before turning my phone off.
A while after dinner, I layed on my bed, my phone beside me. Izumi wasn't online so I couldn't talk to him. The boredom that came with having no one to talk to was familiar yet strangely foreign and I disliked every bit of it.
A knock sounded on my door and shortly after Misumi walked in.
"Hey what's up?" She jumped on my bed right beside me.
"I'm bored. I want to talk to someone." I groaned.
"Talk to me, I'm here."
I turned to look at her. I did want to talk to someone but the thought of talking to Misumi didn't see to fill the longing in my chest. "I want to talk to someone else?" I admitted.
"Like who? Izumi?"
I sat up straight, turning to face her. She had a frown on her face. How did she know that he and I were talking? She must have seen the message earlier. I expected her to tease me but what came after was something different.
"Why are you talking to him?"
"Um, what?"
"How did he even get your line?"
"I gave him."
"Why?"
"I just wanted someone to talk to." I said defensively.
"You don't need to talk to him or anyone else you already have me." Misumi walked over and attempted to take my phone away. I reached out and held it behind me before she could.
"What are you saying, that I can't talk to anyone else besides you? That I'm not allowed to have friends?"
"Yes. Friends can't be trusted completely, friends can hurt you, friends can leave you." She took my hand in hers, looking straight into my eyes as she spoke. "I'm your family, you can trust me, I would never hurt you and we can never be apart."
I pulled my hands away from hers as fast as possible, standing up and putting distance between us.
"I really appreciate you Misumi but just you isn't enough for me. Weren't you the one who wanted me to get out and meet new people, make friends?"
"I did say that but I didn't expect you to do it so soon and become friends with Izumi of all people."
"What's wrong with him? He's a good person."
"He mad seem like a good person now but one day he'll hurt you, just like they did."
Her words struck a cord in me, a time in my life filled with nothing but bad memories.
"Get out." I said softly.
"Kai... I'm just looking out for you. I don't want you to get hurt again."
"Please just leave Misumi." My voice wavered. I was holding on to my pride, that was the only thing still keeping me on my feet and stopping me from bursting out in tears.
She got up from my bed and left without saying a word. I walked over to the door, turning the lock even though I knew that my door could still be opened either way. I walked over to my bed stopping just beside it before falling to my knees. I hugged my knees to my chest as my body shook. Salty tears poured out of my eyes as whimper after whimper tore from my mouth.
My mind drifted back to a time when I was at the edge of my life, a time filled with nothing but pain and depression. I squeezed my legs tightly. I didn't want to go back, I never wanted to feel like that ever again, that pain, that feeling of emptiness, that suffering, I never wanted to experience any of that ever again. I thought I was getting better, my therapist thought I was getting better but there are still times when I feel like this, like nothing's changed, like I'm still like that and I'll always be like that no matter what.
I try to move on and forget what has happened to me. I try to go to out, to go to school like a normal kid and here I am trying to make friends again but I can't deny the fear in me, that what happened before would happen again. I tell myself that things would be different, Izumi is different, but yet.
My phone lit up again, the sound of a new notification filling the air. I held my tears back and reached for my phone. It was a message from Izumi, it read 'hey. I know you don't know me well and you're probably skeptical about me but even though, if you ever want to talk about anything, no matter what it is, I'm here for you. You don't have to tell me everything bothering you but I hope that one day you'll be able to trust me, until then I'll do my best as your friend.'
I smiled at message, before replying back. 'You are so weird. But thank you.'
I dropped my phone down and climbed into my bed. I'm still scared of the past repeating itself, but for now I'll like to have faith in the future and in Izumi and in myself. I want to continue moving forward and not cower away in fear at the thought of possibilities.