Chapter#23: Diaries are important
[Jacob Seo's P.O.V.]
꧁❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎❄︎꧂
A few minutes later Clyde fell asleep on my lap. I think I need to start writing in the Diary again that Mommy gave me. Honestly, I never wrote in it since my senior high school started. I'm too preoccupied with things and I don't have time to prioritize my emotions and mental health too much—like something that Mommy wants me to focus on.
I slowly supported Clyde's head and then I left him sleeping on the sofa. I kissed him on the forehead before adjusting his position as he lay on the sofa.
I felt sorry for my boyfriend because I knew he was having a hard time handling me. I know how much Clyde loves me and it pains me to see that I'm one of the reasons why he's always having a hard time. He was there especially in my dull moments and moments when I was almost overwhelmed with worries and overthinking. He never stopped loving me even when he saw how mess-up I was.
I can't imagine myself without Clyde by my side. It sounds absurd but I think highly of Clyde that he would never left me and that we are the ones for each other. Selfish to listen to but I want him exclusively for me, I just myself to be the sole reason for him to be happy. I want to be the only one who will make him smile.
I went straight to the bedroom and searched for the diary that Mommy given me along time ago. With the amount of bookshelves inside my room, it almost took me several minutes to search for it. I've released also the yearbooks and photo albums from the shelves just to find it. All the things that I've been keeping for a long time, there are my collections of my favorite artists was given a dust off. I collect only lyrics, polaroids, photos, photocards and even stickers. I brought everyone to the apartment because I couldn't afford not to have them around me even though I didn't move them very often.
I smiled when I saw the two diaries on the side of my trophies and medals.
"So, you were just here hiding. I'm sorry you've become dusty because I didn't write to you after my mom's death," I said while wiping the diary and opening it to see if I had written anything in it.
But all of the entries here were written almost three years ago—and it's all about—how I can't let go of my romantic feelings towards Clyde.
I smiled and secretly grinned before talking to myself again, "Don't worry Jacob from 2years ago, because you managed to bring out who you really are in front of the person you want. Now you've been in a relationship for almost two years,"
I started writing in the diary while remembering the past that happened to me, and even my plan for this month…
_________
September 1, 2018
Dear my friend and only diary,
Last month was the hardest because I was not prepared emotionally for the happenings in my student life. My grades were literally dropping because of the absences and my missing presence in school's important events. I wasn't like this to start with. I'm not the kind of person that will exchange my school time for unimportant things like going to any country side trips or parties.
Last month, it was hard for me to survive because I was really feeling sleepy as always.
We've been planning to go to the psychiatrist but it was always moved to another date or for some reasons it was always postponed.
_________
After writing, I gently covered the ballpen I was using and kept the diary back to it's shelves …
"What is really happening to me?" I said to myself as I stretched out on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
"Is my brain too corrupted, so I'm being like this? I really should stop watching netflix or BL Thai Movies this instance. It has no good feedback to me," I said to myself and annoyed as I tossed and turned on top of my bed.
I was rolling on the bed for a few more minutes when the door of my room suddenly opened.
"Babe, you left me in the living room alone. I thought you were the one kissing me, but it's Dandelion," Clyde seemed to say to me with a frown.
I laughed at what he said and offered to give me a big hug.
He climbed on the bed and then hugged me very tightly. He jokingly sniffed me and kissed me on the neck.
I stopped him and cupped both of his cheeks. I giggled as I stared at him for a moment before saying, "So, I guessed you just wanted a cuddle but instead you put the blame on Dandelion," I said and kissed his forehead.
He pouted and fell to lie down next to me.
"Babe, I remember that one moment in our team building," he said and arranged to lie down in front of me. He put his right arm on my head to serve as a pillow then he took my right hand to intertwined our fingers.
"Which one?" I asked and looked up at him smiling sweetly.
"You were so real to yourself back there. I was very happy to see you like that. I didn't thought that there was still a side of you that I hadn't seen yet. Your courage to show your real self in front of our teammates was so amazing. You literally gave me butterflies that time when you did stood up for me and give Mar Eun a real slap on his ego back there," he said while stroking my hair gently.
I smiled as I looked at him… I also remember that moment... It was the boldest moment I have with those homophobes.
__________
One week ago…
It is our day 2 at a resort here in Jeju. The coach gave us a reward that we—soccer team could all relax. Well, it's not about bragging, but for several years alreadu—we have been champions in the division competition of all schools in Seoul. The coach said he gave us this reward to relax and bribe because we still have the next competition. Maybe we'll get angry with him if he doesn't give us a reward. Maybe we would give our best, he's still echoing, he knows even if he doesn't say that his players are great.
Clyde and I are here in the Jacuzzi area of the resort. We're literally only wearing tight trunks. I grinned and stared at Clyde. His load was scratched which was the reason why I was so jealous. I also want a big load but Clyde seems to have claimed it all. I get annoyed every time he teases me small because he is 3 inches bigger than me.
"Why are you staring at me?" he asked suddenly and quickly kissed me on the tip of my nose.
"Looks like you have a naughty plan inside your head for me, Babe," he said and touched my thigh that was under the water of the jacuzzi.
"Eyy! Who among us has a bad plan?" I said and stared sharply at his hand which made me nervous because it might go to my precious part. I'm not ready yet. I didn't shave! It's embarrassing.
"So, here are our two gay members. The stare melts, no wonder the water is green because there are two fishy ones here" Clyde and I turn to look at the one who spoke behind us.
I felt Clyde remove his grip on my thigh and grasp my hand tightly.
"Pardon?" I said to Mar Eun who spoke earlier. His hair is dark blue and you think his jaw was literally outgrown a face. He's white but he doesn't really look human.
To be continued….
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