I had to stop myself from staring as I climbed the walls of the massive hole I'd made, I'm such and idiot, why did I go and fuck up this badly?
it mattered but not at the moment, at the moment I was busy, these walls were slick and hard, making it hard to climb.
I'd tried an ordinary approach to climbing but it was sucking so bad that I had to give up and brute force it, shoving my hands and feet into the rock, making my own hand and footholds to travel upwards.
then it hit me.
I can fucking fly.
I almost facepalmed myself as I opened my wings and flapped free of the hole, or crater, or what was a name for large hole? AH! focus!
my wings flapped faster and faster as I climbed in the air column, my feelings of regret that I'd successfully buried after killing the only other person from earth rising back up again, we weren't friends, not even close but.....
he was essentially my only connection to earth, the one thing I could easily say proved that my earlier life wasn't a sick dream, would it be better if it were all a dream? would I feel better?
does it even matter?
I shook the thoufhts from my head as I flew, the self doubt bullshit had gotten me nowhere, not even when it should've, who am I kidding people see me as evil, might as well protect them.....from me.
ditching my hasty plan of flying towards civilization I stopped and dove headfirst into a forest canopy, the humidity and shade hitting my skin as I passed through what was almost a barrier between worlds, the sky and here couldn't be more different.
I stopped using my human form, returning to something I'd hated to admit, but something that felt natural, back then when I'd turned human I'd lied to myself, saying it was better, felt natural, it didn't.
the only thing keeping me going in the bipedal body was my previous memories as human, something I'd deluded myself from thinking for a while, too long now.
but this wouldn't be some pity party, not some grand sink into depression, it was me facing hard truths that I didn't want to.
something everyone thinks they can do, but most never actually can, at least not on their own.
I'd finally found a good tree as my inner monolog had come to its anti climactic close, a good close, but not one people expected.
my tentacles gripped as I scaled the tree easily, I had 9 limbs after all.
I'd found a good branch, the humidity up here was lower than on the ground and it wasn't too hot, this was the goldilocks of tree branches.
settling in I got comfy, letting my eye wander the scenery and onto other animals, the creatures who blissfully knew nothing of society, nothing of humans, nothing of evil itself, put here it was simply survive, nothing was good and nothing was evil, out here it was only what is and what isn't, and what isn't is me being annoyed here, peace, true peace was all around, what felt like a break from my troubles was all around me.
but my inner pessimist didn't like that, telling me it would end, it wouldn't last.
but I argue that is exactly why it's amazing, of things were always good we wouldn't appreciate the bad and how we've grown, if things were always bad we'd have nothing to reminisce or look forward to, in life there's a balance and I needed to find mine, so far I was just being dragged along one thing to the next, that wasn't balance that was going with the flow on crack, that was me being manipulated and letting it happen, I thought I was standing up for myself but I was flaunting power I didn't understand like a child, fuck! this is a good branch for thinking.
and if I'm gonna find balance I have to understand myself and how to get that balance, I can't avoid humans or society, that won't help anyone, well it might but I'd never know if I didn't try.
and try I would, but not today, today I needed to relax and truly think, that was the start of my plan essentially, it wasn't even a plan but I guess it was a start, everything began somewhere and I needed to as well, od had enough of this being dragged all over the place by people for 2 of my lifetimes, and so far it hasn't been short at all.
oh fuck, I'd been alive for 7,500 ish years but I'd only really lived an actual life for like 11 years, tops, wow!
maybe I should try to do what I had with Luan, someone to love out here with me, it was isolating sure and didn't help but maybe I could try again, modifying what worked last time, but then again nothing would ever be like last time.
that saying of everyone's unique and you're one of a kind so far had been true, mostly, people had similarities, especially in groups but no one had been wntirely like Luan, who knew I'd be comparing people to my dead ex thousands of years later, what a thing, maybe this was a sign that I truly did have a life to live, maybe I wasn't hopeless in finding that balance, that happiness, maybe I could have it longer this time.