*beep* *beep* *beep* *bee-*
A loud smack echoes in a small room.
The surroundings were barren, a desk, laptop, drawing tablet, and a sketchbook was the only visible thing in his room.
He emerged under a blanket seemingly angry but soon his eyes became full of dread.
"Oh god... It's morning..."
"I don't want to go to school...but if I don't graduate, I won't be able to get a proper job *sigh* if only I could just die..."
The boy quickly emerges from his bed already stressed. He heads to the kitchen and grabs a couple of eggs to make his breakfast.
After making his egg sandwich, he grabbed his heavy wooden sword and started swinging mindlessly.
The boy was a wannabe swordsman, with no training nor any fighting experience, only his interest in weaponry and swordsmanship to back him up.
He tries to delude himself into that he was exercising but in reality, he was just acting out a cool fight scene he saw on TV.
He began to get tired so he grabbed his bag and left his apartment.
This 17-year-old boy who sometimes is mistaken as 3 years older due to him always being stressed was heading to the university he's currently attending.
"You can bear this, Himura Satō," Himura said as he walked.
*****
𝗛𝗶𝗺𝘂𝗿𝗮 𝗦𝗮𝘁ō
"Oh you got to be kidding me"
A hill going to his school was in front of me.
No matter how many years he's been taking this path to school, I still despise it.
"Whatever I just need to get through this day and go home." I arrived at the front gate already out of stamina and noticed around me that there were groups of people talking happily.
"Hah." I scoffed at myself, self-deprecatingly.
I entered the classroom without anyone noticing or acknowledging me.
'It should be Friday today, so there won't be any classes tomorrow due to a holiday.'
And soon our homeroom teacher finally arrived although she was 14 minutes late.
"Made it! Sorry class, I was a bit preoccupied with the art club."
Mrs. Aoi Suzuki, our homeroom teacher and the adviser for the art club.
She is a petite glasses-wearing woman, which causes a lot of people to not take her seriously enough to actually criticize her for being late.
"Ahem, Anyway good morning class, today we're gonn-" I immediately started spacing out, not really caring about the lesson.
"Anyway class, I want you all to start forming into groups of 4 so you can do your group project and also no going solo this time alright, Mr. Satō?"
"Huh? uh yes..." I mustered up a response, as I dread such a project.
I started looking around for vacant groups that would accept me but as expected, no one wanted me.
After everyone grouped up, I went to the last group that only had three members.
They weren't particularly happy with me but decided to let me join anyway.
The other three started talking for ideas while
He was only listening waiting for their instructions not speaking anything.
'I hope I don't get a role that takes a lot of effort.' I hoped as I listened to them.
"Alright let's meet on Sunday then, will that be alright for you all?" He asked the other two girls.
"Sure." She said in a monotone voice.
"Hmm." She nodded and I nod my head as well, in response.
At lunch break, I went to the school's rooftop to eat my lunch. It was the usual bread and juice, the student body's classic combo at lunch break.
"Goddammit, why the hell is it so sunny today?" I angrily grumble to myself.
He went to the edge of the rooftop, looking below, contemplating something but after a minute I shook my head, trying to clear my mind.
I look at my wrist more specifically at my failed attempts.
Many visible scars were on my wrist although unnoticeable because of me always wearing a long-sleeved uniform even in the summer.
*Diing* *Doong*
The sound of the school bell rang, reminding me to go back to class.
"...I...don't want to go..." Tears start to well up in his eyes.
"I don't want to go anywhere...but I can't also be left behind because either I force myself to keep up with life or I just put a stop to it."
Minutes passes. "...I'm so pathetic; I can't even make a simple choice." I smiled sadly at myself but what can I do? I wanted to kill myself but still chooses not to.
No matter how many times I tried to kill myself, I still couldn't do it.
As if something within me keeps trying to stop me. That something is still unknown to me but it makes me sad, angry, and even scared.
I want the peace that death can only bring at this point, but that unknown prevents me from getting it.
After a minute or two, I return to my expressionless self as if nothing ever happened and started heading to his classroom
After his last class ended he started heading to a certain club, the art club.
When he opened that door, he saw a beautiful expressionless girl focused on her drawing.
Cynthia Tanaka, A half-European half-Japanese exchange student. No one really knows about her other than that she was an orphan and liked art.
I silently head to my corner, hoping to not disturb her but she already noticed me.
"Afternoon." She greeted me and I greeted back. "Good afternoon."
After a brief greeting, I started drawing as well although unsuccessfully, I couldn't think of anything to draw as usual.
I silently clicked my tongue before Cynthia started talking. "Hey, Himura...How are you doing?" She asked.
"? I'm fine as usual, why do you ask Tanaka?"
"...Just asking." When I looked at her, she was looking away from me for some reason.
"Well I'm fine, thank you for asking really."
I was truly thankful to have an acquaintance like her. At that response, Cynthia's face formed a small smile
"I see...that's good I guess." She said happily.
"...How about...you?" I asked after a long pause.
"I'm fine too." She speaks with a smile on her face.
"I see." Our conversation ended as fast as it started
It's not like he has anything to talk to her about.
Although we've known each other for 3 years now, I still considered her an acquaintance.
I deeply care for her so I tried to help her in any way I can because I've grown to enjoy her presence probably because of me always being alone.
*bzzzt* *bzzzt* *bzzzt* *bzzzt*
Suddenly, I receive a rare phone call from my family. Looking at it, I start to dread what they want.
"I'll be right back," I said to her.
"Hmm," She nods as I leave the room and accepted the call.
In summary, my grandmother has taken ill and they are requesting me to go to the hospital.
My grandmother was the only person apart from Tanaka that was close enough for me to care about her, so It didn't take any convincing for me to go to the hospital.
I quickly went back to the clubroom. "Sorry I gotta go, my grandmother has fallen ill," I said with an expressionless face.
"Huh?" She speaks surprised as I started packing all of my things.
"Himura..." She speaks and I turn around and look at her. "Yes?"
"I hope your grandmother gets better." She said genuinely.
"Yeah, me too." And with that, I left as fast as I could.
I quickly arrived at the hospital. When I looked around the room, I noticed that other than my father, most of them were doing something else as if they were waiting for her death.
Before even a minute passes, my father noticed me, although he was uncomfortable at first, he quickly informed my grandmother.
My grandmother simply nodded and greeted him.
I didn't talk to anyone and just took a seat and waited, I couldn't do anything but strangely he was happy about it.
This family is a dysfunctional bunch so there have been a lot of fights between us which is why I left in the first place. And my grandmother wasn't exactly safe from their fights as well.
And that's why I was strangely happy about it, she can finally peacefully rest wherever she ends up with.
'I'll be honest, grandma but honestly I'm jealous. You will finally be granted your long-deserved peace.'
'I never believed in anything like heaven and hell but hopefully, wherever you go, you'll be peacefully resting while me on the other hand.....still have to go on living.' I said to her in my mind.
'I wish I could join you too but I'm too much of a coward to do such a thing.'
'Grandma if I told you all of this, how would you react? Sad? Angry? Disgusted?' I stare at my grandmother and waited then waited and waited until-
*Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*
A flat green line was in front of me.
The doctors are struggling to revive her, but no matter what they do, they couldn't revive her.
The doctors gave up and announced her death. My family started crying as if they have just seen the love of their life die.
While I only stood there, clueless on how to feel or react. 'Why...why are you all crying, weren't you all always fighting each other?'
I had no idea what to feel. I couldn't cry or do anything, I just still have the same expressionless face that I always had.
After all of them calmed down, they all decided to talk about inheritance on another day. Somehow, I managed to convince them that I wanted to go home.
It was suffocating for me to pretend that all is well just because somebody died.
I walked to my apartment in the middle of the night. Soon I stopped thinking about my grandmother's death and instead wondered what to do tomorrow but then I felt something behind me.
When I looked behind me there was a man in ragged clothes, his face was drooling and his eyes were bloodshot.
When I looked at my side there was a giant knife stabbed deeply in my gut.
I immediately dropped and the man happily took my phone and wallet before running away.
Although it was painful, my face didn't turn into a pained expression, but only a face of discomfort since I had an unnaturally high pain tolerance but that didn't matter.
There was no one around me so the chances of me dying was high so I simply started to the sky accepting my death almost relieved.
'This is it huh? To think I'll die on the same day my grandmother died.'
'I could probably find some help if I tried but-' no this is better, I won't be a burden to anyone after my death.'
'Hah! to think the only useful thing that I'll do is when I'm on death's door.' I laugh self-deprecatingly
Minutes passed and I tried to speak.
"I...don't want to-"
Before I could finish my last words, the boy known as Himura Satō no longer exists in this world.