Chereads / Lena's Adventures. / Chapter 55 - Lena and herself.

Chapter 55 - Lena and herself.

Lena has dragged Octan back to their current 'home'. He was surprisingly light so it wasn't much of an effort. She had regained back quite a bit of muscles after meeting back with Octan, so now carrying luggage and people is as easy as it used to be.

She places him on the bed she has been using up until now. She stares intently at his sleeping face, and wonders. Just what has this person been through? Not in the last 5 years, but his whole life. What does he stand for and why. His predecessors? A made perfect mana flow? Utterly destroying the Demon lord which has been terrorizing Humanit- terranity? for the last who-knows-how-long years.

Terrans, humans, demons. Humans. The superior, Sir hero. Just what is all this. Lena has never once cared about anything ever since she was a child. As she lived in that dark desolated block called home, she realized that as long as she minded her own business she was going to live. Staying in that room thinking about absolutely nothing, and then her meal will arrive for her to feast and continue the cycle.

To her that was living.

That letter, that story. It made no sense. There was someone indeed in her mind that she had always seen as a silhouette, but did such a person really exist? Or was that a figment of Lena's imagination. After all that's all she could do, sit down and run her thoughts around, so it wouldn't be weird for such a thing to exist.

That letter, was it really written by someone that took care of Lena? and then where are they? dead? are they dead too? Just like her mother, father, and friends? If so, then what are they supposed to be to Lena? They begged for credit. They begged her to live. They begged her to remember. It made her want to live, so wasn't that a bit too convenient?

Couldn't it just have been something fabricated by all the villagers? Maybe they wanted Lena out, but felt too bad kicking out a child? So instead give her false hope, a false lineage. Give her legs so that she can walk away from there. Well, if that was their plan. It sure has worked.

'Hell, now that I think back to it... That letter just made absolutely no sense... So much pieces felt forced... something only a child would believe...' A tear flowed down Lena's cheek as she stared at Octan.

"haha... Look at me... who Thought I would cry over such a... such a.... u-useless... thing-" Lena Broke out in tears.

'God damn it. God damn it. God damn it. God damn it! GOD DAMN IT!' Lena didn't want this.

She didn't want any of this.

She hates thinking for herself.

The last time she did it people ended up dead.

The last time she did it she ended up killing people.

She just wants her life back, a life where she shuts off her brain and lives.

If it means following Octan then so be it.

She doesn't want to think, she doesn't want to realize.

So why did this happen? Why are people making her think?

Why are people telling her to act herself?

'Why's everyone so selfish? Why don't they think of what I want?' Lena's head was filled with negative thoughts as she bowled her eyes out.

But even then, the moment she had trusted everything to one person, even then she was betrayed.

The incident 7 years ago, she was taken away and never brought back. They never went back for her so she wondered if that was really what she had wanted.

She was allowed to "continue living" So she didn't hate it as much, all she hated was the neglect she felt from that person.

And their meeting a year later only improved on it. It made her want to stop depending on others.

Deciding as such she found herself yet again depending on others.

Choosing her way of life, choosing her way of fighting, and choosing her future. It was all after those she had learnt about.

But she hated it. Living for herself, having to watch her friends die, having to kill others. She didn't want that, she didn't want any kind of responsibilities. All she wanted was to live.

So she escaped back to the person.

And yet, now that she had finally got her way back, they ask of her to live for herself.

Why? Why does no one think about her?

She hated herself.

She hated the little her who did nothing.

Her older self who did absolutely nothing.

And her current self that continued that march towards this fake life.

She hates everyone.

She hated the villages who cared for her.

She hates the woman in the letter.

She hates her parents who died.

She hates kouko who ruined her trust.

She hates her friends who died.

She hated her friends who lived.

And she hated Octan who slept so peacefully in front of her.

She didn't want a house.

She didn't want nice cloth.

She didn't want good meals.

She didn't want a future.

She wanted to live.

That night she cried.

She cried worse than when elstat died.

She cried worse than when Pator died.

Worse than when she heard of kouko's death.

Worse than when she lost the kid following her.

Worse than she had ever lived.

No... It was her first time actually crying.

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"...I..." A distant voice calls to Lena.

The voice continues as it shakes Lena "..Oi..".

"Wake up already..." The voice then places it's warm hands over Lena's head patting it.

"*sigh* we will be leaving tomorrow, so come on wake up. Let's enjoy what little time we have here." Octan says rubbing her head.

Lena didn't know how to feel. Ever since she had met Octan again, she hadn't felt the same about him. She was used to the old version where he cared about absolutely no one, but this time around he is a lot more friendly, though still has to improve with the stranger treatment, Which makes her somehow uncomfortable.

She would've never guessed that out of anyone she has ever met, Octan, would pat her head like that.

At some point while crying last night she had slept with her head resting on the bed, Octan, was using.

"I'm awake." Lena says without raising her head and only opening her eyes.

For the first time in her life. She wanted this, she wanted this moment to continue.

So she stayed like that for a while.

Octan had a pained expression on him, but Lena tried to pay it no mind.

Because after all, that's what she wants. To not realize.

"Come on, Let's get ready. I will show you some cool places here..." Octan said as he getting up himself.

With a slightly dejected voice Lena submits "Ok...".