I must have been about six when I first got a taste of the world.
It was a fancy dinner party from Dad's work. They dressed me in my nicest clothes and told me to be on my best behaviour. It was the first time I was going to an event like this. Apparently Dad's boss told everyone to bring their kids so they could play with his daughter.
The lights were too bright, the air was too hot, there were too many people. I hid behind Mom.
"My, what a cute child!"
A woman tried to pick me up, but I moved away, terrified. Physical contact was rare in our household, for as long as I could remember. Plus, her perfume stank.
"Be polite, Jenny. Greet the nice lady."
Mom's tone was nicer than I had ever heard, and I obeyed, like always. I said hi, I swore I did, just in a really low voice. They laughed. Mom didn't react, I didn't know anything was wrong.
We went around to greet everyone. My feet were tired, I was hungry, I wanted to go home. I tried to put on a smile and be polite, I really tried.
The food was awful. I devoured a bowl of rice to keep me from starving and managed not to throw up anything else. I thought my expression was perfectly neutral, even more pleasant than I felt. The adults talked and laughed, and I stayed quiet, like a good little girl.
A wail came from the other side of the room. A girl my age in a pretty puffy dress was stomping her feet and crying and screaming. People crowded around her, cooing and offering treats.
"I wanna go see the fish!"
Her wish was their command, and instantly someone picked her up. They went out to the lobby, where the fish tank was. I remembered that one of the people was Dad's boss, and the girl was his daughter. She looked like a princess.
The adult wouldn't stop talking and I stared into space. When there was a short pause in conversation, I tugged Mom's sleeve gently.
"Can I go see the fish?"
"You just stay put."
So I did. I wanted to make them proud. I thought I had succeeded, even on the car ride home. Mom and Dad didn't talk, but I thought it was just because they were as tired as I was. I didn't know this would be a warning sign.
At home, I didn't pick up anything wrong with the tone they spoke in. When Dad came to my room before I went to bed, I thought he was just saying good night.
"You were rude today."
Dad never yelled. When he got mad, his voice raised, but it wasn't yelling. It was worse.
"You didn't greet any of them. They'll think we didn't teach you properly. When you act like that in public, you're making us look bad."
"But that girl was worse!"
"How can you compare yourself to the boss's daughter? We aren't rich or powerful like them. You should know better!"
Tears rushed to my eyes and I sniffled. He continued.
"You're six, people won't excuse you just because you're a child anymore. You have to be more mature! Who knows what they're saying behind your back! People won't like you if you're like this. You have to be nice to people, because you'll need them later on."
"W-why d-didn't that girl have to?"
Dad laughed coldly. It scared me.
"The boss might not have taught her well, but I hope I did for you. And she doesn't need anyone, her family has enough power to do that."
Couldn't I have that power? Why did I have to play nice to people? It wasn't fair! I wanted to be like her, on top of everyone else. They would have to look up to me instead. Praise me, worship me, love me. Through my tears, I knew I wanted all of it.
Then it was a different time, a different place.
"Bring out the villainess."
Hands dragged me roughly. Every part of my body was in pain, my heart most of all.
He stood up there, with her. She clung to him and he looked at me like I was some disgusting animal. I must have looked like one.
I tried to call out, to beg for something. I didn't know what. Why was it that when he would finally look at me, it was like this? If I could have the saint's power, if I were a princess, if our family was just more powerful…!
I couldn't hear the words they spoke, condemning me. A knight held a sword that reflected the bright sunlight. The crowd jeered at the sinner.
The blade swung.
I woke up with a scream, in a cold sweat. My hands flew to my neck. It was still intact.
I panted, and felt blindly on my bedside table for a glass of water. I drank all of it, the coolness soothing me and bringing me back to reality. It was just a dream, it wasn't real. It was the middle of the night, and I was in my room, in Avington's castle. I was safe.
Slowly, my breathing calmed. My scream hadn't been loud, so no one came rushing. I was grateful for that.
The first part had been a very real memory. It was the first time I cried myself to sleep. Why hadn't my old parents actually taught me how to be nice? They just told me to do it, how was I supposed to know how?
I learned to pretend, though. The fear of disappointing them again was greater than the fear of greeting strangers and the exhaustion of putting on a smile. I made sure no one would say they were bad parents, because I loved them, and they loved me. I knew they cared about me, because as they told me many times, they wouldn't have bothered if they didn't.
That thought should have comforted me, but it just made me sad. I thought of all the car rides home, my heart in suspense as they gradually switched from the mask they wore in public to the people they had to be to raise me into someone they wouldn't be embarrassed of.
I never knew if I would be reprimanded. Was the silence merely the quiet before the storm, or were they satisfied with my performance? I just held my breath and hoped for the best.
'Stop thinking about it. I am Lady Valentina Avington, daughter of the only Grand Duke, and the Saint of Orilon, if I want to be. No one can hurt me.'
It may be in the past now, but what about the second part of my dream? I was a reincarnator, not a regressor, so it wasn't my memory. It could have been a memory of the original Valentina from the novel, but I wasn't sure how that would work. Most likely, it was a creation of my own mind based on my knowledge of the novel.
Already, the scenes were fading from my mind. All that was left was a chill to my bones.
This was why I had to become queen. I needed to be more powerful, to make my family proud, unlike I couldn't do in my past life. I needed to protect myself and my family.
That ending would never happen to me, I would be next to the prince. But a wave of uncertainty washed over me. This was the first time I actually fully considered the fact that if I failed, I would die, and my family would likely die with me.
'And that letter from the royal family…!"
Earlier today, we had received a letter from the royal family. They congratulated us on the discovery of the diamond mine, and requested that we prepare a large one to send as a gift for Princess Elizabeth's birthday. It was the boss's daughter all over again.
The letter also came with an official notice that there will be an increased tax on diamonds. Mother read both with disdain, and I caught her murmur to Father.
"It's a reminder. They're warning us to remember our place."
If the royal family really wanted to, they could destroy our family in an instant. We could put up a fight, but if it were sudden, we might not have the chance to do even that.
It was so ridiculously complicated, and I was only nine years old. Perhaps I bore the responsibility for the future of House Avington with my knowledge of the future, but right now, I just wanted to sleep.
I got up. I knew I wouldn't fall asleep easily again after that scare, so I made my way to Mother's room. I knocked and she told me to enter.
"Mother?"
"Darling, what are you doing up so late?"
She was in bed, but reading. Just the sight of her reassured me, and I went to her side.
"I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you tonight?"
"Oh, of course, my dear. We wouldn't want you to lose any beauty sleep."
Mother smiled and kissed my forehead. I climbed into the bed and curled up next to her.
"Good night, Mother."
"Good night, darling. I love you."
"I love you too."
Mother stroked my head gently. As my eyes closed, I knew what I had to do.
No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifices. I was fine with getting my hands dirty and becoming a real villainess if it meant that I could make my family proud and become queen. I would bring glory to House Avington.
I had to, and I knew I would, or I could die trying.