Have you ever wondered about what you want to be in life?
I have. And I had deeply thought about it for many years.
When I was in high school, my parents would always nag me about what I wanted to become.
I would always tell them that I haven't decided yet.
I would always be happy and smile despite me knowing that I haven't paved out my future.
But I knew that all it would take was for me was to choose a path
Yet I can't
Was it because I cannot do so? Was it because I think too much?
No.
I simply lacked the motivation to do so.
I never wanted to try hard.
Why?
Because when I do, everything falls down.
I tried to become the best, yet everyone failed me.
But when I did nothing, everything seems to be right.
That's why in the end, I didn't choose anything.
And before I knew it, I just became someone who couldn't try to do anything higher.
It was because I was scared at my own failure
But that was fine.
My family still loved and supported me
My friends were always there for me
But even so in the end, I could not aim to be higher.
And before I knew it, I became stuck like this for years.
I was an office worker. My company wasn't that bad either. It was just simply average.
My performance was also average at best. In other words, I was average.
Did I aim to seek higher? Not really.
Too much work, Too much politics, Too much time wasted.
That wasn't meant for a lazy person like me.
I go to work at 7 am and I leave at 6 pm. When I go home, I always stop at the grocery to buy ingredients and cook for myself and go to sleep.
It wasn't sad nor happy. Just satisfactory.
At break times, I'd always watch anime or read manga. In other words, I was an Otaku.
But it's not like people care either. I don't even openly admit that I was one.
In my holidays, I would often see my friends and hang out.
And a girlfriend is out of the question.
For me, it was a good life. I didn't see that high nor stoop low.
Just in the middle.
It didn't bother me that much nor did I think deeply into it.
But I have to admit that I'm a boring person. And that's something that I am even proud of. No annoying colleagues who acted like I'm a pushover, No women who tried to flirt with me (and I think that no one would ever do that)
No one will approach me unless they needed something from me.
And that's precisely the reason why I died.
One snowy day, we went drinking with my colleagues at a local bar and found myself very drunk. On these days when work was tough, I'd always treat myself with liquor to relieve my stress.
And today was one of the worst.
I left early because I wasn't feeling well that much.
Then when I realized it, I was already here at the bridge.
Why exactly am I here...?
When I looked around, I saw no one.
I must have passed out huh?
And then when I tried to reach for my phone that was dropped on the ground,
My foot slipped.
I fell on the ledger and my back received the blow
I tried to regain balance but I was too drunk to realize what happened afterward.
My back bent over the ledger and I found my whole body falling off the bridge.
I couldn't comprehend what was happening in front of me.
I knew that I was going to die.
When they say that your life flashes between your eyes, you'll remember the most memorable moments you have.
I didn't have any.
Was it because I was normal? No.
It was simply because I never tried.
With that thought on my mind, I felt a sharp pain in my head.
I fell down and hit my head. Fortunately, my head didn't twist. It happened very fast.
My head was now bleeding and I knew that there was a large crack on my skull.
It hurts very much that my tears try to fall down.
Yet on the cold hard ground, I could feel my consciousness losing.
It was the end for me. No exaggerations, just the end.
No one would come looking for me.
But at that time even when I was dying,
I was upset at myself.
That flashback that happened opened up my old wounds.
And for the first time in my adult life, I began regretting something deeply.
I regretted myself for being a coward.
If i had just tried myself then I wouldn't be someone who's afraid of failure.
At that point, I was looking blankly at the winter sky.
I couldn't move my body.
But at that time, my mind was determined.
I don't believe in things like reincarnation but...
If it does exist, then I hope that I could live a life where I tried.
Because at the end of my stupid life, I have never tried to do anything. That's why I'm a failure.
I want to try and I'll never run away from my regrets and failure.
"As if that would happen..."
And those were the last words I have uttered before I perished in this world.