For a long time I have suffered.
Day in and day out.
To be grown yet constantly told that everything I do is never good and never enough.
It takes a toll on the weary spirit. Oftentimes it feels uncomfortable to work, uncomfortable to play, and frankly uncomfortable to do anything at all. I am just too drained to feel like there is anything of worth in the world. The only thing that is present is this pain in my chest. Well, more like an ache. It's hard to describe. Maybe like a horrible feeling that something is wrong, probably because something is wrong. It's a suffocating, clinging, hurting feeling that I just can't seem to get rid of.
It feels like I haven't really had a day off in years, and yet somehow at the same time I'm being told I haven't accomplished anything at all.
And perhaps I haven't. Perhaps what really makes the world feel so busy and so tiring is the constant droning of the voice that says "not enough".
Sometimes I wish the voice would leave. For a day, a month, a year, or maybe even forever. Maybe the absence of the voice and its entailing consequences for a while would let me look objectively at my life, and let it not be shrouded by this cloud of anger, despair, and melancholy.
Wishful thinking though, the voice is not going away. There is nothing that can be done about it.
Optimists say I should learn to live with it and thrive on my own, but it's really not that simple. You can't just ignore the voice, as it drains you whether you want it to or not, and the consequences of listening to or ignoring the voice are both very real and terrible. Most just haven't experienced it so they can't understand what it's like. It's difficult to talk about this with people too, as it's either just too much of a touchy topic, or I just get some cliched answer that blows off the problem entirely like "everyone has their own struggles" or "you're not the only one who has it rough, you know?" I may be guilty of giving some of those lines to people I know are suffering themselves though, so I guess it comes full circle. Suppose I'm a hypocritical bastard at my core.
Sometimes I wonder whether its worth going on.