"I made out with who now?" I stared at my cousin in disbelief. A small snort escaped me before I could stop myself from laughing. It was just that hilarious.
"Okay, Kir, I know I was blacked out drunk but at least I wasn't a hallucinating drunk." I joke as I finally let out the tense sigh I'd been holding in since we entered the room. I didn't fuck up big time after all. Kir was just… drunk.
Wrapping an arm around his neck, I tried to tussle his hair like I had always done in our childhood years when I was still a smidge taller than him. Now, I had to tiptoe to even reach his neck. I didn't let that stop me though. Old habits die hard.
Kirrigan bristled at her gesture but didn't really make an effort out of the hug. Instead, he flicked my forehead where he usually does each time I do this and says, "I'm serious, Nabi. I can't believe you let a dare pull you down that low!"
At this, I frowned. "A dare? What do you mean?" A sinking feeling caught at my throat and I quickly dislodged myself from him to look him straight in the eyes. "I don't remember anything about a dare."
"That's exactly what I'm saying!" Kir crossed his arms and let out his own big sigh. "It all started as a pissing contest— you challenging Luka at who can drink the most shots in under a minute. It was the usual shenanigan for you and I figured I could just haul your drunk ass back home when it's over so I just let you be…"
"Okay…?" Memories flashed in my mind as I slowly started recalling this part of the night. "Well, that wasn't so bad. I mean, I know I can hold my liquor… so…"
"Yes, that's what I thought so too. So, I decided I could go grab myself my own drink while you continue the dumb pissing contest. I swear, I just turned my back for a couple minutes or so but when I returned, a crowd had already gathered and you were already on the pool table… locking lips while on top of Luka fucking Sinclair."
I clenched my fist because sober, I would never have let herself get caught making out with any of the Sinclairs. They were all part of the upper echelon of the pack too but I hated their guts because they once voted to get me exiled out of the pack after both my parents abandoned me. It was a vote that never really flew with the elders if only because many of the fellow elite families owed one thing or another to the Vanderbilts.
"I--- ew. That's gross!" I wiped my mouth like I could still feel his spit on me. "Gross! Gross! Gross!"
Kir took a deep breath and continued. "Except, that's hardly the worst part. He dared you to go a level deeper and you let him. He fucking.. " Kirrigan's nose flared as he tried to recall the happenings for me. "He touched you… in inappropriate places… while in public. You let him slip his hand underneath your shirt and… I think you might have even moaned for him." The last part seemed to anger him the most.
"Of course, I didn't let it fucking pass that. I quickly dropped my drink and dismantled the two of you from each other but by then it was too late. Someone had already taken a video and posted it online. I'm afraid the principal and even dad will hear about it pretty soon enough."
My face blanched. It's true— I was a pretty wild child especially when drunk. But I knew my limits, didn't I? I would never have done something so inappropriate in public and especially not with a Sinclair, if only so I don't embarrass the family that had taken me in when no one else wanted to.
"I… I don't know what happened. I've always… always… known my limits before… Kir… I--- oh my god, Gerard's gonna hear about this… I… I'm gonna get expelled… and maybe… maybe even exiled! Oh my god, Kir!"
I like the feeling of alchohol in my veins. It made me feel powerful and brave, like I could be just as strong as any of the pack members who could shapeshift. When I'm drunk, I could do anything and be anyone other than the kid her parents despised and abandoned.
And maybe I liked making out too, with men who whispered sweet nothings into my ear. Because if only for awhile, the warmth of their skin on mine somewhat reaches the chill that had always been in my bones ever since the night my own mother tried to strangle me. So yes, I was definitely no virgin but I had never been openly scandalous like this. It's how I managed to stay off Gerard's radar and kept my freedom on the weekends. Because they knew I would do crazy things but nothing ever too crazy— like a public scandal that would likely get my school's super religious ass on me.
But now… I have broken that trust, perhaps, irreparably. People can whisper about things you do behind doors but that will always be it— just baseless rumors and words nobody can really back up. But now… there's a video of me somewhere… moaning.
I slowly crumpled in on myself as I slid down the floor of my own bedroom. I wrapped my arms around myself and rubbed at my skin like I could scrub off the shame that was slowly building up there, like a sticky film of slime that just wouldn't rinse off. I have done it now.
If the vote for exile gets brought up again, Gerard might not even vote for me to stay.
No, not anymore.
Not after what I have done.
Wouldn't you look at that? Looks like the Sinclairs got what they wanted after all even if it took years to happen.
Even if I made it happen.
I fucking did this to myself.