Katie
The next few days go by in a blur. Between updates from the medical examiner, collaborating with Rick's parents, and meeting with the funeral home, it has been quite a roller coaster ride. To my surprise, the guys have really stepped up, and have been providing Hayley with a strong support system, making sure one of them is with her constantly. It has been hard, watching Hayley suffering through such a crippling loss. Avery took some time off work, not only to help be there for Hayley, but to help with Adrian so that I can provide support to my friend. Before the planned funeral, Rick's family, Hayley and I go to Rick's apartment. The apartment superintendent is being extremely compassionate, allowing more than enough time to go through his place, but I know this is going to almost be harder than every other step that has had to be taken in this process. Listening to the muffled sobs from Rick's mom and Hayley, I struggle to keep myself together. His mother and Hayley are going through his closet to decide what they want him to be buried in. I leisurely walk around the apartment, taking in what is left of his life. I reach his desk, and look down, tears suddenly pouring from my eyes. Sitting there, waiting for the appropriate time, are his written vows. I tenderly run my finger down the top page, slowly sitting in the desk chair. Consumed with emotion, I read through the words he has written professing his love to my best friend, words that will never actually be spoken by him to her. I am scheduled to speak at his funeral, knowing now what I will be saying. Maybe it will be too hard for her to hear, but I suddenly feel like I owe it to Rick to make sure she hears his words.
On the day of the funeral, I stand in front of the bedroom mirror, taking in the sight of myself in the black dress, customary for these things. With my head tilted, I find myself wondering who decided funerals were to be void of color, deciding it must be because of the void the deceased has left in our lives, and boy has Rick left a huge one. I know that Leo is currently at Hayley's, his turn on the schedule to be there with her. I can't even begin to imagine what getting ready for this day must be like for her. I allow myself to imagine what her loss must feel like, allowing thoughts to enter my mind of what it would be like if something happened to Avery. Suddenly, crippling fear and sadness consume me, panic rising in my chest as I fall to the floor sobbing. Avery quickly enters the room, sitting with me on the floor, drawing me into his embrace. I cling to him, like there is a real chance that I could lose him, uncontrollable emotion taking over. He just holds me, running his hand down my hair, whispering reassuring words, and selfishly, I am so thankful that it wasn't him.
Standing in the front of the church at the podium, I take in a deep breath, knowing I need to be strong for Rick, so I can make sure Hayley hears his words about how he felt. I look over at Hayley, giving her a sympathetic look, her eyes are swollen, tears falling unceremoniously down her face. "As you all know, Rick planned to marry my best friend, Hayley, this weekend." I hear Hayley's loud sob as I pause, looking over at her again. Leo is sitting with her and Rick's family, offering what comfort he can. I look back out at the faces who have gathered today, "I know losing Rick has affected us all. I could stand up here and share memories with you or talk about the impact he had on different lives, but I'm not. You all already know those facts. What you don't know is what he planned to say this weekend. I had the honor of finding Rick's wedding vows." I pause again, looking over at Hayley, who is now clutching the lapel of Leo's suit jacket, sobbing uncontrollably. I allow her a few minutes as I unfold and straighten the pages that contain Rick's profession of love. "I feel like Rick would want her to know how he felt, so if you will all allow me to, and be patient with me, I would like to share them with Hayley now, in the place where he intended to say them, here at the front of this very church." I pause again, clearing my throat. "Hayley, I would like to start by saying I love you. I know you didn't always know this because I didn't always treat you the way I should have. You do need to know that I always have though. You are the most beautiful, smart and generous person I have ever known, and I promise always to respect you. With kindness, unselfishness, and trust, I give myself to you in marriage. I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you, to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle." I pause again, looking over at Hayley, understanding the significance of that line in this situation, then I look back down to continue. "I promise to love you in good times and in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard, when our love is simple, and when it is an effort. I promise to cherish you and always hold you in the highest regard. I humbly give you my hand and my heart as I pledge my faith and love to you. I promise to love you, to be your best friend, to respect and support you, to be patient with you, to work together with you to achieve our goals, to accept you unconditionally as you have me, and to share life with you throughout the years." I pause again, this time choking back my owns sobs. "I want it all with you, Hayley. I have since the first moment I met you and will continue long after I'm gone." I look up at Hayley once more, allowing the tears to now tumble down my own cheeks, slowly folding the paper back up. I walk from the podium and over to Hayley, leaning down to hand the paper over to her. She jumps up and pulls me into a hug, sobbing into my shoulder. I am not sure how long we stood there when I felt Leo as he encouraged Hayley to sit back down, giving me a sympathetic look as I return to my seat next to Avery.
Avery
What a shitty day. The thought of how I wasn't this emotional at Troy's dad's funeral comes to mind as I feel like my heart is being torn from my chest. I watch helplessly as Katie reads Rick's wedding vows to Hayley, drowning in my own thoughts and fears, thinking of the ring that is hidden in my dresser drawer at home. How selfish is it of me to mourn the loss of being able to offer Katie that ring anytime soon, instead of focusing on the loss of Rick? Although my heart is broken over his death, hearing Katie read his vows only reminds me of the fact that I will have to wait longer to propose and to be able to recite my own vows to her. I know that makes me selfish, but I can't help how I feel. Katie returns to her seat next to me, and I put my arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to me, seeking the same comfort from her that she seeks from me.
As the service ends, Troy, Wayne, Kevin, Leo and me, along with Rick's brother, rise as pallbearers to carry Rick to his final resting place in the cemetery behind the church. To the song "Jealous of the Angels" by Donna Taggart, we all stand graveside solemnly watching as they lower his casket into the ground. One by one, we grab a handful of dirt to drop on his casket, signifying our reluctance to say goodbye. We all vulnerably watch as Hayley falls beside the gravesite, irrepressibly sobbing into the ground. Katie goes over to her, sinking to her knees, offering unspoken support. Our core group stands there long after the other attendees have gone, refusing to leave until Hayley is ready. Unsure of the amount of time that passes, Katie is eventually able to encourage Hayley to her feet, pulling her reluctantly away from the grave.
The customary tradition of getting together for the post-funeral reception follows at Rick's apartment. We pick Adrian up from the sitter after the funeral, joining everyone there. This is the first time we see Hayley appear as if she just may survive this whole ordeal. After Rick's untimely death, Hayley was struggling just to function, causing Katie quite a bit of concern. Each of us guys saw it as well, as we took our shifts with her, insuring she wouldn't be alone. But now, she occasionally smiles, especially any time she interacts with Adrian. Katie was fearful that Adrian would cause Hayley heartbreak, knowing how badly she was ready to start a family with Rick, but it appears his adorable little face is lifting her spirits. He is crawling around and giggling, clearly drawn to Hayley, as if in his own way, he understands how badly she needs him.
Once Adrian begins to show signs of nodding off, Katie and I make our excuses to leave. I know it is hard on Katie leaving Hayley after recent events. It is hard during times like this to focus back on life again. Sadly, the sun will still come up tomorrow, life will still go on, despite the bad hand it has dealt us. We arrive home, get Adrian to bed, and retire to our room. It has been an exhausting week. Katie is quiet as she stands in our bedroom, looking lost and unsure. I take her hand, leading her into our bathroom. I start filling up the tub, adding her favorite bath salt, and lighting the scented candles she has adorning the side the of tub. I help her undress as she looks blankly off in the distance, aiding her as she lowers herself into the water. I kneel beside the tub, letting her know in a glance that she has been strong long enough. I hold her hand as she falls apart.
We lay in bed, facing each other, as Katie whispers, "I don't know what I would have done if it had been you." I pull her into my arms again, holding her, understanding how she feels. After watching as Rick's eyes had turned lifeless, all I could think about was Katie and Adrian, and how thankful I was that I wasn't the one who left them. You never think about how vulnerable life is, until there is a loss of one. Katie pulls back from my embrace, her eyes searching mine, seeking some type of reassurance from me. I won't lie to her. I could tell her that nothing is ever going to happen to me, but in my line of work, that is never guaranteed.
"I love you, Katie." I gently place a kiss to her lips.
"I love you too." She whispers, closing her eyes, allowing her forehead to fall to my shoulder.
There are no guarantees of what the future has in store for us, but I do know that it depends on what we do in the present. Today, I will hold her tight and love her. I will do my best to keep the same promises to Katie that Rick promised Hayley in his vows. In the future, I will propose, I will marry her, and I will build a life with her. I will raise Adrian with her, hoping to add to our family. But today, today I will simply hold her and love her.