There is always a feeling of peace when the sun arrives at my window. With a single beam of light reaching into the room and brightening the small corners of my desk, I feel as if a part of my life back home is with me. The best parts.
Routinely, every Saturday, my mother would knock on my door and sit at the edge of my bed, gossiping to me about the things that happened at work and who ate who's labeled lunch. I missed that when I moved to Berkeley. Even when I thought I was ready to walk on the tight-rope of college, a smaller part of me was afraid.
That small part of me grew as time passed on. Especially now, being with Aiden. The fact was that I wasn't afraid of who he was. I was afraid of the secrets he kept – the ones that made him believe suffering alone was a better remedy than seeking help. I wondered what he was like before he decided on separating himself from the world.
The day Aiden drove me home after Aubrey invited us to dinner, things slightly shifted. Throughout the week, Aiden and I seemed to sort through the doubts and store them away.
When Myra came over on Friday to pick up her bags of clothes, she waved me goodbye and promised to be back Sunday night.
Once she was gone, Aiden brought his textbooks over and we both studied together until our eyes were sore. We sat in front of each other, stealing minute glances. He left late that night, barely able to hold in his yawns.
The following afternoon, Aiden arrived at my apartment with damp hair. His grin was wide, which was something I still found unusual. However, what appeared strange was the fact he was wearing jewellery. The silver necklace that hung just below his collarbones had a compass engraved on the pendant, and when I looked down to his hands, a new black ring encircled his middle finger.
"Good morning," He greeted me, walking by me so closely that I inhaled his new, sweet-scented cologne.
'Hi," I smiled softly, taking in the rest of his appearance.
His broad shoulders were tightly wrapped in his black shirt and his jeans were held to his waist by a brown belt. His boots were new, too. They weren't the heavy ones I was used to. These were slimmer and slightly pointier at the ends.
He managed to look like himself, yet elegant while making it seem so effortless.
"I hope I'm not too late." He said and walked backwards into my room.
"Not at all."
He nodded and shifted over to the small bookshelf nailed to the wall. His eyes roamed the titles while his index finger ran above each spine.
"What were you doing before I got here?" He asked, taking out a book from the bunch.
"I was reading."
"For work or pleasure?" He smirked.
"Pleasure." I sat down at my desk and swiveled my chair in his direction while he continued to roam the small shelves.
"What were you reading?"
"The book that Will gave me for my birthday."
"Is it any good?"
"It is."
"Well, go on, tell me what it's about." He neatened up my books before taking a seat on my bed.
I chuckled and shifted in my chair as I began to read the blurb out loud. But he stole the book out of my hands and placed it beside him on the bed.
"I can read a blurb, but I want to read your thoughts."
I started recounting the events that I had read up to that point, even going into depth about what I believed would happen next. He sat there happily, as if it were his new favorite book, as I went on and on about it.
"So, how do you think it will end?" He finally asked.
"I think they'll end up together," I told him. "What do you think?"
He picked up the book and began flicking through it. "I think I'll skip to the end and find out for myself."
When I tried to take the book away from him, his eyes began skimming over the lines.
"Oh... this is interesting." He snickered, turning to the next page while keeping it from me. He made a high-pitched noise and raised his brows, "I never saw that coming."
"Aiden!" I laughed, climbing on top of him to get a better reach of the book.
He laughed as my attempt failed, knowing I didn't stand a chance against his long arms.
"In the end," He said. "They both-"
I covered his mouth with my hand. "Don't you dare!"
His eyes closed as his chuckles vibrated on my palm.
He returned the book and unclasped my hand from his mouth. When I took the book from him, he held onto my waist with a firm grip and gazed up at me with wide eyes.
I let myself relax on his lap, holding the book close to my chest until I locked eyes with him.
"You almost spoiled my book," I said, crossly.
He straightened his back, bringing himself closer. "I would never."
He chuckled as I crossed my arms and stared down at him.
"Are you mad?" He teased with a pout, "Are you going to roll your eyes at me, too?"
His smile was unbearably contagious, but I fought against it nonetheless.
"Yes. I am mad at you." I looked away from him, lying.
"Oh, really?"
In seconds, his fingers were digging themselves into my sides. I arched my back as loud laughter filled our ears. I tried wriggling myself free from his grasp, but it was pointless.
"Stop it!" I snorted, and we both fell back on the bed as he continued to tickle me, unleashing laughter of his own, laced with the sweetest mischief.
"Okay, okay!" I giggled. "Stop it!"
"Are you still mad at me?"
"No! No, I'm not mad." I cowered behind my hands, eyeing him closely.
He pulled us both up from the bed and paused for a moment, deep in thought. "Do you feel like going on a walk?"
"Right now?"
"Yeah, the sun is just beginning to set. What do you think?"
***
Downtown Berkeley had its fair share of busy people walking around. It was a city with everything from restaurants to bookstores to parks, as well as the occasional aroma of eucalyptus. It was brimming with culture and bright lights, especially at night, when the vivid glow of each store window lit the entire street.
"I never noticed how nice the city looked at night." Aiden pointed out as we crossed over into a quieter street.
While we strolled through the streets, we fell into a comfortable silence. Our bodies would brush against one another every now and again, and even if it was just for a fraction of a second, it was long enough to set free a flock of butterflies within me.
We went down a long street lined with cheerful ribbons, passing an ice cream parlor at the lane's end. My enthusiasm got the best of me and I convinced Aiden to join me inside. We ended up with two little bowls of overflowing ice cream. Mint, chocolate chip, strawberry, and vanilla were among the flavors we bought.
I couldn't help but mock Aiden for only buying such a simple flavor like vanilla. We debated over it, crowing at each other as we moved to areas scarce of other people.
"What's not to like? It tastes great and it's always the same." He grins, thinking he's won the argument.
"It's boring! Think about it, there are over a thousand different flavors of ice cream and you pick Vanilla?"
He swiped his tongue over the plastic spoon, enlightening me with another wide smile.
He pointed that same spoon at me, accusatively. "You're just jealous they didn't have your favorite flavor."
I huffed and took another mouthful of ice cream knowing that he was right.
We continued down a small lit alley. I'm not sure how it came about, but in some way or another, we made it onto the topic of my parents and my childhood.
I slowly started to let him see the mess that had been my family – my mother. Telling him about her depression and drinking problems was harder than I thought, but he listened anyway.
I told him about my childhood house and how I grew up there with my mother and Mark. I even managed to talk about Gabriel and Barbara, what they were like and how good everything was now that I'd started working things out with them.
Aiden kept listening and nodding along. He would become sympathetic to the times I spoke about the rough times we went through with money, and he would smile when I told him about my love for literature and movies. I spoke about my plans for the future and still, he listened to it all as if he was right there with me as it happened.
"You seem to have everything planned out." He held the now empty cup of ice cream and played with the rim, running a single finger around the edge.
"I do, I have to..." I poked the melted ice with my spoon. "What about you?"
"What about me?"
"What was growing up for you like?"
His eyes, no longer on me, darted to the buildings around us.
He cleared his throat. "Why does it matter?"
I focused my attention on him, unsure of what had provoked his sudden distrust and reticence.
"What about your parents?" I asked instead, hoping to go back to his cheerful smile.
"I don't want to talk about it." He replied, distant.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't, Emma." He started angrily. "Please, just drop it."
Aiden clenched and unclenched his fists at his side, pressing his jaw shut. His hands rubbed his neck and became jittery. I knew this tone all too well by now. I knew that he was a ticking bomb, ready to detonate and implode. But, it didn't feel fair that he got to keep his secrets when I had revealed my most painful ones.
"We should head back home, it's getting cold." He looked around and led us one way with that distant tone.
"I told you everything about me and you can't tell me one thing about you?"
Aiden turned around hastily and glared down at me, his words coming out like poison. "Just because you told me about the burdens in your life doesn't mean I have to tell you about mine!"
I swallowed his words like a bitter pill and nodded, continuing to walk beside him with no remark to return.
We walked back to my apartment in complete silence, hearing every siren and car in the street. With my lost appetite, I threw away the rest of my ice cream in a rubbish bin nearby.
Entering my apartment, I took off my shoes and shuffled to my apartment, not giving Aiden so much as a glance.
I put my shoes down and slumped in my desk chair once more. I turned to my studies, hoping it would take my mind away from the current things I was feeling for Aiden.
I don't know how long it must have been before he knocked on my door.
He called my name a few times, but I refused to turn around.
"I'm sorry..." He said. "I'm sorry I yelled and I'm sorry for ruining our weekend."
The silence in the room grew larger until his soft and anxious words broke in the air.
"Are you going to leave me?"
I opened my mouth but I shut it the second I heard his words. He thought I was going to leave him?
I turned my chair to find him standing over my bed with his hands shoved deep in his pockets, looking down at his boots.
"No... no, Aiden, of course not." I closed my eyes briefly, sighing. "I'm just tired of having these arguments. I feel like you don't want me to know you – like you don't care."
"I do, I want you to know me... I want nothing more," His breathing became shorter, turning into small huffs. "You can ask me anything, anything in the world... I just don't want to talk about my family... Please, I-I can't-" He fought hard to push the words out, but his hands had begun to tremble.
In a heartbeat, I was at his side, cradling his face in my hands.
"Okay," I whispered. "It's okay. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have insisted."
He poured his dark grey eyes over mine, the panicked expression still fresh on his features.
He took in a shaky breath. "Are we... Are we okay?"
I nodded softly. "We're okay,"
It took some convincing, but Aiden slept on the couch that night. He wanted to drive home like he had the night before, but I insisted he stay, unsure whether his tremors would return.
That night, as I slept soundly, I was brought back to my dark room to find my bed empty. It was still dark, probably one of the earliest hours of the morning, and Aiden wasn't there.
I looked around my room and felt a wave of relief wash over me the second I saw him on my chair. He was hunched over, staring down at something. My eyes took a minute to adjust to his outline but when they did, I watched as his hands trembled violently.
"Aiden?" I called out to him, my voice raising his head.
"I can't make them stop... They won't stop, Emma." My heart sank when his voice cracked at the end of his sentence.
I got out of bed, dragging the comforter with me. My feet moved slowly and stopped in front of his defeated posture and fearful eyes.
"May I?" I asked. He nodded and sat back while I crawled onto his lap and wrapped the covers around us for the sole purpose of holding him close. His hands jittered against my back as he caged me in his arms, cutting off any space that remained and leaving us in empty darkness.
I made my best efforts to calm him, whispering comforting things into his ear and stroking his hair in a petting motion. Even though the tremors had eventually stopped, he continued to hold me like a lifeline.
"Thank you." He spoke into my hair, breaking the wavering silence.
In that moment of sitting in his arms and comforting him, I figured out that what I felt for Aiden was more than just caring. It was more than just enjoying his company and it was certainly more than just a warm feeling in my chest. I didn't know for sure what it was, but I did know that I couldn't ignore it anymore. I felt something for him, even if he never felt it back.