It's been 40 years.

40 years since I lost that kid I loved, 40 years since I couldn't tell him.

Of course, it was all an accident. A spooked horse, bad weather, tired eyes.

No one ever said it. But I thought I knew.

I knew it was my fault.

I should have been watching him, I was the one with experience, he was just a city boy on the farm for the first time.

For 20 years I couldn't let myself live with it. I tried to end it all, but father stopped me before I could. For 20 years, I lived in the darkness.

Then I met her, the lost lady with the butterflies.

Helena Gaia. The one who pulled me out of that darkness.

She was a short girl, silver-purple hair, deep blue eyes, a cute little smile.

She was exactly how Greg always said she was.

That idiot, he never even realized he has the same grin. It's oh so obvious they came from the same home, even if they look nothing alike.

But leave it to Greg to stay ignorant to the obvious.

Helena, the woman I had heard so much about, is just as caring as her brother. I know it isn't very fair to compare them, they certainly show it in different ways.

She was kind a beautiful, and didn't think twice before she pulled me back from the bridge. Her first instinct was to tell me it was all going to be okay in the end. Such an innocence may not be believable from a child, but she put my heart at ease. We ended up talking back at the house, pa was at the store, so we were alone for the rest of that night.

She taught me so much in those few hours. She made me want to live again, to make Greg proud. I didn't have the heart to tell her about him though, it's one of the few things I still regret. She told me 'Be thankful for all the time you had, you can cry, but he would want you to live happily without him, to find someone else that makes you feel the way he did.'

She disappeared later that night, just before pa came home. I left the room to make her tea, and by the time I came back she was gone without a trace.

Of course, it didn't all make sense to me that night. Even at 34 I still didn't understand, looking back at it now I can't believe how childish I was only 20 years ago...

But that changed. I met Emanuel.

Greg was my first spark, my first crush, but Emanuel was my first love. He understood me, my grief, and even asked his father, the local carpenter, to build a shrine for Greg.

He cared for me, it was obvious. He was horrible at hiding his little grins when I was working in the fields and he had to pass by on his morning routes, or when he would deliver a package to father, he would always show up conveniently when I was home alone. It's amazing how much two 35 year olds can act like kids.

It wasn't long before it was official. We skipped a few steps, and father was angry, but he would have been angry if we hadn't married for 20 years together. But we both knew we were in love. Married at 36, late for a woman like myself. It's our anniversary today. 16 years by each other's sides, 16 years since I learned to love again. Our son, Richard, will be 12 next week two, and pa got enough together so we can send him off to the academy to get a proper education, the wild and wacky adventures of his uncle Greg got him into magic, and we promised he could learn from a professional if he didn't destroy anything before he was old enough.

I still remember Helena's words, to be thankful for the time I had. I'd like to think she would tell me, or anyone else for that matter, to be thankful for all they have too. Whether it be to God, King, or even just each other, to remember what it's all worth.

So when you read this, Richard, remember everything you should be thankful for.

With all the love in my heart,

Mom