He opened the door with a determination that could crumble the entirety of ancient Rome. The focused gaze in his brown eyes stared silently at the family picture hanged on the hall wall.
'I'll do you proud, father,' he whispered.
Behind him lay a battlefield of Borito bags and a pyramid of Bountain Bew and Bipton Iced Tea that'd make Giza jealous. As a chilly breeze failed to move his oily, jet black, shoulder length hair, the only person who could dare to speak to him asked:
'K-Kuno, y-you're out of your room…!' she said, carrying a basket filled with laundry, ready to be folded.
He turned to her with a fierceness that reminded her of her late husband. 'K-Kuno-?'
'It's time, mother!' he shouted, in the middle of this fall afternoon. He lay his hand on her shoulder, causing dozens of crumbs to rain on the just vacuumed floor. His eyes teared up, his mother noticing the goose bumps covering the arm on her shoulder.
'After two and a half weeks… I'm finally gonna take this dump…'
Moving past her, he wiped his teary eyes with his forearm. 'This agony will finally be over.'
'Ok… but, Kuno-,' she said behind him.
He continued on. 'That a man like me can be placed in such a pitiful position…' he said to himself.
'Kuno, you can't-,' his mother said.
He stopped and turned around, raising a fist in front of his limited edition Bossfire Min graphic tee with mirror print. 'No worries, mother. This isn't a false alarm… I can feel it deep within.'
'No, Kuno, I'm trying to tell you-.'
'Enough talking,' he said, steadily moving forward, until the shocking revelation.
'Kuno!' his mother shouted. 'Your sister is in the bathroom!'
Shattered, he stood there, until falling on both arms and knees as tears and mucus dripped from his face. 'The injustice… the horrid injustice!' he whispered, carrying a boulder in his bowel. 'Hurry up, Aiko!'
◊◊◊
Eight minutes, thirty-three seconds, and 484 milliseconds later, diligently counted by Kuno's precise brain, honed by his proud achievements of 10k+ hours in both Bossfire, Legion of Champions, and Street Biter, she exited the bathroom.
'I was doing my make-up!' she said. 'That's what you get for sitting on your ass drinking nothing but soda!'
He would've verbally obliterated her by explaining that the Bipton he drinks is not carbonated and therefore, although it is a soft drink, isn't classified as soda, but he had more important matters to take care of. He shoved her aside, causing her to pinch the bridge of her nose as she got a whiff of him.
'Are you sure you didn't go already…?'
In a smooth and swift motion, he closed and locked the door, lowering his sweatpants as he glided towards the already down toilet seat, a lifesaving benefit of being the only man at home.
The next forty-five minutes contained a degree of bone chilling horror which can't be described by words, only rivaled by the orgasmic relief following it, like a double rainbow after heavy rain. Good thing he was well hydrated, for the entire seat, along with a good portion of the floor, got covered in a shiny layer of sweat. If this was a game, he would soon be racing a giant penguin, like Super Bario did in Cool, Cool Bountain. This made him realize he shouldn't be wasting his time, now that his mind had healed from the past event.
He pulled out his phone. 'Hehehe,' he chuckled. 'One more level and I got it, baby.'
Bing Bing Bing, his game of Summoners Impact opened up. On the top right, his level showed: 49. And after a quick dungeon, easily cleared by Kuno's perfectly crafted composition of Harpy girls and Occult witches, equipped with just the right runes to finish the dungeon in close to record speed, he leveled up to 50.
Congratulations! Reward: 50 gems + 400 spirit dust!
Kuno couldn't care less, quickly logging out of his account and typing a different username on the login screen: DumptruckDaddy4427
'Hehehe, here it comes!' he said with an ear to ear smile. 'Who needs to refer friends when you can just create a hundred accounts and level all of them up to 50 to get that sweet, sweet Five Star Fairy Queen Scroll!'
When the game opened up, the right corner showed: Lvl Max! And within ten seconds, his reward popped up in his inbox.
100 Referrals REWARD! He didn't even have to read it, the signal to press the redeem button arriving as a reflex.
'Let's go!' he shouted, his mother turning her head to the door with a melancholic look.
'Twenty-two… I guess I can give him another year to get his act together… I must be patient with my child…' she said to herself, entering Kuno's room in a hazmat suit.
He spammed the summon button, eyes focused on the summoning circle. 'Demon Fairy Queen, Demon Fairy Queen. Come on, come on!' he said, almost diving into the screen. An incoming email notified him by popping down from above his screen:
Congratulations! You've been chosen as the last member of the 22nd generation of-
'Fuck off!' Kuno said, swiping the message to the right. 'I thought I turned notifications off during games. Can't play any games with all these spam emails coming in from all the surveys I filled out to get gems…'
The summoning had finished:
«««««Fire Fairy Queen
'Damn it!' he shouted. 'Another duplicate! Oh well, I can get a lot of dust for it, at least.' And without another thought, he dusted the pathetic five star Fairy Queen he already got four times before.
Pressing the pressure button to his right five times to reach the maximum bidet strength, he thought: 'My ass is getting sore, I should get off the pot soon… can't feel my legs.' Resting his elbows on his legs had numbed his nerves to the point he didn't even feel the infamous pins and needles sensation.
The bidet blasted his ass clean as he reached for the toilet paper to wipe it. After wiping and dropping the paper, he felt the corner of it still touching his butt. Looking down, he saw the absolute monster he had birth. 'Holy crap…' he said, followed by 'pun intended,' as if someone else but him could hear it.
He had a feeling pressing the flush button wouldn't be wise, but the size of this turd made him see it as a challenge.
'Feeling lucky, punk?' he said. 'This toilet and I have been through a lot… I've remodeled it to handle my mundo dumps, and with I, I mean: I made my mum get a plumber to do it. You don't scare me… I made you!'
He pressed the flusher with all his might, and as the cyclone surged, he peeped through the gap in his thighs, seeing the poop travel down surprisingly easy.
He raised his chin: 'Damn righ-.'
Before he could finish his sentence, the toilet bowl sucked him in ass first. 'Oh God! What the fuck is happening!' he shouted, magically disappearing into the hole.
In a dark room, Kuno fell on his back amid a faintly purple glowing circle. His pants were gone, but he still had his prized graphic tee, so he didn't care all that much.
'Ouch… What the, where am I!?' he said, standing up straight, only to slouch a second after doing so.
'Who did this to me! Is it you, OppaLovingWaifu16!? If I'm late to my dungeon, I swear to God, I'll get my whole guild to report you! I already told everyone you're a guy, so don't go counting on that!'
A bright spotlight hit Kuno's face. 'AH! The light, it burns!' he cried out, falling on the ground, writhing from left to right with his hands in front of his eyes.
'Silence!' a voice shouted from above. 'You're in the presence of the highest order in this realm!'
Kuno stopped, looking up at the voice. 'Bencent Holdings?'
A few whispers of confusion could be heard from above, after which the same voice spoke: 'No.'
'Bagex?' Kuno then said, the voice responding fast: 'No, we're-.'
'Thank God. Then who are you? Glizzard Entertainment? If this is about the boosting accusation, I already proved I own the initial eight accounts and my mom owns the other eight. You can't ban me for that! If you're wondering about how I get the money, I'm scamming people on DuneScape, but Bagex already banned all my accounts, and it has nothing to do with you!'
'Will you shut the fuck up, Kuno!' the voice shouted, echoing through the room. 'Damn!'
Kuno didn't speak a word. He cupped his dick and balls, the fact that he's naked from below kicking in. 'This guy knows my IRL name?'
'We're the High Order of the Kingdom of Regnum. You've been summoned to join your kin and aid us against-.'
The voice stopped, seeing Kuno manically pressing his palms against the sides of his head.
'What are you doing?'
'This must be some VR stuff… I don't want to play this game, you hear me! I don't know how you forced this helmet on my head as I was taking a shit, but take it off!'
'Fucking hell, this guy… Just turn the damned lights on!'
The spotlight grew in size until the whole room was lit up. Kuno looked up and saw eleven people sitting above him, looking down sternly.
'Say EMA, it'll help me explain.' the voice in the middle said.
Kuno chuckled. 'Yeah right, you're just going to say 'Eat my ass' or something. I wasn't born yesterday, chump.'
'SAY THE DAMN WORD, DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE, BOY!' he said, lunging forward with a blood lusting rage in his eyes.
Kuno flinched, seeing the middle-aged man shouting at him. He was quiet buff, substantially more than the average human being, especially impressive after getting a gauge on his age, noticing the gray hair and beard.
'Fine, but it doesn't count,' Kuno said, before saying: 'EMA.'
'Electronic Management Assistant, Online,' a female robotic voice spoke as a semi-transparent screen appeared in front of him. The screen had his name, age, height, weight, and every other detail about him on it. With a special section of Class grayed out with the text: To be determined on it.
'You're in an alternate, vastly more magically and technologically advanced world, summoned here by us,' the man said.
Kuno didn't stop doubting the situation. 'Alright, I'm pretty sure this is a game… but I must've put on some kind of equipment before I went to the toilet… but when. Or maybe this is some advanced game that changes my memory… Things are getting out of hand in the entertainment industry, that's for sure.'
'You and dozens of others have been brought here to aid us in our battle against the Soji Empire. I'm afraid you have no say in this, as we are in desperate need… Your ability will be determined, together with your rank, and you'll be placed with your peers in a group to go on various expeditions.'
Kuno stared at him with a half open mouth, before saying: 'Ability? Rank? Are you serious?'
'I am. There will be a lot of explaining, but experience has showed us those others from Terra One are best equipped to teach you about this world of ours, since we are still lacking a lot of information about our sister realm.'
'Sister realm…?' Kuno thought.
Two guards, completely covered in a dark blue colored armor, picked Kuno up from under his armpits and carried him away from the circle.
'Hey, let me go!' Kuno yelled out as he kicked the air, the guards completely unhindered by his struggle.
'The guards will bring you to the Class Teller. Resistance is futile, so please spare your energy.'
'Hah!' Kuno said, trying to do a back flip in a sorry attempt to wring out of their grasp. 'Resistance is futile, my ass. These noobs are wearing mithril armor!'
'It's Skoupidia armor,' a guard said.
Giving his body a big swing, Kuno said: 'Whatever. You guys underestimated my skinny body, with a big ol' spin, I can escape from your weak-ass clutches! Screw you guys, I'm going home!'
Getting enough momentum, his body flew high, and as it spun, he quickly drew his arms in to free his wrists from the guards grasps.
Sadly, the guards simply tightened their hold, leaving Kuno's lower body to fall back, cracking his shoulder, almost dislocating his arms, if it wasn't for the mercy of the guards, who allowed his body to reset in place before he hurt himself too much.
'Touché, boys… touché,' he said, giving up.
Seeing as resistance was actually futile, he looked around him, trying to map out the place. They moved through a hall, completely decorated in gold and marble, with steel doors all having a window up top, carrying a symbol: a circle within a circle inside the lead glass.
'EMA,' Kuno said, making his stats appear again. Examining more diligently, he noticed the top right said: Level: N/A. The top left said: Menu, but being held by the guards made it impossible for him to click it.
'This might not be all that bad… Whoever made this game seems to have put quite a lot of time in it. I hope I get a badass class. Something aggressive would suit me, preferably ranged, like a mage or something that can summon familiars…'
The guards stopped in front of a steel door, placing Kuno's hand against it.
'Kuno Gesuido,' the door spoke and opened, revealing a tube like machine.
'Get in,' a guard said, and Kuno complied. The guard closed the door behind him and the machine continued to speak.
'Welcome, hero.'
'Alright, this confirms it. This is a game,' Kuno thought.
The machine seemed something similar to a shower cabin. A transparent tube, but instead of a bathroom, behind it lay a complex system of machinery with gears turning and thousands of colored wires lying around.
'Please, raise your arms so we may determine your Class.'
'Oh boy, here we go. Damn, this is getting exciting.' He raised his arms. 'Come on, baby, big rolls, big rolls!'
The colors on the machine turned green as, from the sides, two small hatches opened. When he turned left to take a look, the whole tube got filled with a glowing balloon, as if he just crashed a car and the airbag exploded.
'Mwhatthe!?' he said, his face and rest of his body completely smushed amid the balloon. The balloon began pulsing, causing Kuno to panic, since he didn't have any pants on, and the guards were probably waiting for him outside. 'Oi! S-Stop it!'
The balloon gave a swift white flash, after which it deflated.
'Class determined, please open the Electronic Management Assistant.'
Kuno leaned against the tube, 'I need some pants, stat…' he said with a sigh. 'Anyway, EMA! Come on, show me the money!'
The screen appeared. Kuno's eyes immediately focused on the Class section. The tube spoke out the class at the same time Kuno read it:
'Class: Digestive System – Intestines.'
Kuno read it a dozen times, before a small exhale left his nostrils. 'What the fuck is this?'
The tube answered his question:
'You are able to rapidly produce feces through magical means, together with the ability to change their properties within certain boundaries.'
'You gotta be shitting me…'